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Original poster

I hate my boss and I think she knows

31 replies

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/10/2021 23:12

I’ve tried really hard to hide it. I don’t actually hate her but I do dislike her and I don’t think she is particularly good at some aspects of her job. (She’s good at some bits though).
Anyway, this morning she asked for ‘a quick word’ and said I act like I think everything in our department is shit. I don’t think that but I do think some stuff she does /tells us to do is rubbish but I would never say that and I always go as she asks but I’m not massively enthusiastic sometimes. She was clearly upset and i think this comes from her own insecurities but I’m not sure what to do.
I just want a quiet life where I can do my job and go home. She lives and breathes the job and wants me to do the same but I’m not sure I can or want to.
Any ideas how to handle this?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 19/10/2021 23:19

You sound like you CBA and she’s on to you.

Palavah · 19/10/2021 23:19

Well, clearly you've not kept aa professional a face as you think you have. So take the useful feedback there.

Why not talk to her honestly about a couple of the things you'd most like to be different.

You could offer to lead on something that you're good at that she's not so good at that (though you don't need to mention that she's not so good at it). But if you're not interested in putting in any more time/effort then this might not be for you.

If you want an easy life then put your best smile on and get on with it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2021 23:21

Unless you’re one of the the best actors on earth, if you dislike your boss, think a lot of elements of her management are rubbish, and aren’t often enthusiastic at work, it’s going to be obvious that you do t think much of her.

When I’ve felt like this about a job, and when it’s begun to be picked up in performance reviews, I know it’s time to move on. It’s not a salvageable situation because her perspective and yours are just going to interplay negatively and make you both miserable.

Meh2020 · 19/10/2021 23:25

I think you should move job. Your post reads as though you think the manager is in the wrong - they aren’t, they are calling out your behaviour. If you don’t like some aspects it’s not really fair to be negative as it will impact the wider team. Look for a role that you enjoy.

Sparklfairy · 19/10/2021 23:32

Oh dear oh dear, you sound like you have a shite poker face like me

At the end of the day shes your boss, the way she works and the decisions she makes are not your place to criticise. You're clearly giving off disapproving vibes and she feels undermined.

If you can't support her as an employee you need to find another job.

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/10/2021 23:42

Thanks for the responses. They’re useful. I do really love my job so I do need to find away to work with her because I really don’t want to leave. I’m enthusiastic about my core duties and she recognises that I am very good at them but it’s all the extra stuff - ‘let’s stay late and work on my new idea. I know you’ve already worked extra hours this week but I thought you’d want to be involved’ I’m thinking ‘no. I want to go home and have dinner with my family actually’ the wider team really won’t be impacted - there’s only 3 of us working for her and one of the others totally can’t be bothered with her. I have no idea how he gets away with it to be honest. He doesn’t even turn up to meetings with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/10/2021 23:44

Yes I have a crap poker face - time for Botox maybe! Fuck it s all so stressful and complicated. I’m so miserable about it. I need to work on my acting skills. I wonder if I could take classes.

OP posts:

BlowDryRat · 19/10/2021 23:47

May e just be honest and say that you're finding the extra unpaid hours expected too much and would prefer to stick to your core duties.

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/10/2021 23:51

I don’t criticise her but equally I don’t gush about how fabulous her ideas are. I just say ‘ok I’ll do that’ I need to learn to lie don’t I? I need to hide the resentment I feel when I have hours of extra work for no benefit. All I can think is how crap what I’m doing is and my poor dc are having to spend extra hours in childcare on her whim.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 19/10/2021 23:54

I have tried to tell her that the extra workload is difficult for me but she works so hard that I really don’t think she understands that I love my job but I also love my family. She only has dinner with her dc once a week but I want to have dinner with mine every night. She doesn’t get that my motivation and idea of work-life balance is different to hers.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 20/10/2021 00:04

I absolutely recognise that she is senior and she makes the decisions and I may well be wrong when I don’t think her ideas are good. I am totally willing to bow down to her authority but I find it hard to get overtly excited about extra work. I suppose there are some parts of the job that I do get really excited about so she sees me throwing myself energetically into some bits but not others and that is what I’m doing wrong.
Is that most other people do? Act like every new idea their boss has is amazing? Is it all about stroking egos? Before I had dc I ran a team and wouldn’t have expected blind enthusiasm from them. I actually expected and wanted them to challenge me. I recruited people who could add ideas not just follow mine. Is that so unusual?

OP posts:

BlowDryRat · 20/10/2021 09:03

It's not unusual but if you've already had management experience then use it to challenge your manager appropriately rather than acting in a way that comes across as negative and sulky. When you're handed a new idea that eats into family time, it's ok to say either 1:1 on in front of the team, 'That's a great idea. To execute it will take x hours of my time. We've spoken before about managing work-life balance so I'll need to drop a,b or c to fit it in. Which would you like me to prioritise?'

BuckyBarnesArm · 20/10/2021 09:10

Why don't you try and negotiate with her "I'll stay on x number of nights a week on these particular day/s to work on new ideas" and ask her to stick to them, and show a bit of willing that way. I think it's fine and normal to not live for your job but I think you WILL have to be less obvious about what parts you don't like, as appearing to pick and choose is unprofessional. You can have the feelings but just hide them better.

rookiemere · 20/10/2021 09:44

I think you need to have a semi honest conversation with her about your priorities. It appears to me - and likely her - that had you not decided to have a family and put that above promotion - that you could do her job - or think you could- better than her.

I wouldn't be negotiating how many extra hours you work, I'd be saying nicely and politely that you absolutely want to be involved in exciting new ideas etc. etc. ( if you wanted to butter her up, say how impressed you are with her enthusiasm, but you absolutely need to finish on time to do nursery pick up and/or see your DCs before bedtime. Ask her how best you can support the team within these constraints and perhaps suggest that you thought it made most sense for you to do all the regular tasks as you have less diary freedom. If you're really good, you can turn it into her idea.

PersonaNonGarter · 20/10/2021 10:00

Unless you are clear and specific in your objections, you will be coming across as sulky and unreliable.

Honestly, wanting to leave to pick up children is absolutely fine and you should be able to handle that discussion professionally. And you should already have done so.

The other stuff, you sound vague and resentful.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/10/2021 10:08

Your updates make a lot of sense, OP, but I have to say that your first post came across as childish and petulant. If that's the attitude you are projecting at work, I'm not surprised that your boss is frustrated. If you come across as negative about everything, she isn't going to hear your perfectly reasonable points about work-life balance.

You sound as if you have got into a parent-child dynamic with her. You need to re-balance this, so that you can have an adult-to-adult conversation about expectations.

Clandestin · 20/10/2021 10:11

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

You sound as if you have got into a parent-child dynamic with her. You need to re-balance this, so that you can have an adult-to-adult conversation about expectations.

Yes, I think that's fair. You need to manage the relationship in a professional way, and to articulate your situation civilly, otherwise, yes, it does turn into a parent vs taciturn teenager dynamic.

Shoobydooer · 20/10/2021 10:27

Yes, I've been there. My boss was new to management and was a real climber, but before that we'd had very similar career paths. We were the same age. She micromanaged staff, was incredibly patronising and her way of working - creating a huge hierarchical gap between her and the team, when I guess I thought we should have been somewhat equals - absolutely ruined my confidence. She made me really depressed and it took me a long time to bounce back and believe in my own abilities.

My behaviour was not professional at times and I regret that in hindsight. I wish I could have compartmentalised. It really did come to the point for me where one of us had to go, and it was a relief when she took a promotion somewhere else (not because of our relationship, obv). It was too far gone and would never have worked itself out.

I do blame myself in a lot of ways but later realised as soon as she was gone she ditched me on all social media, so she must have hated me to be that bothered! Unhealthy all round.

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 20/10/2021 11:07

Thank you all so much for the replies. I think you are all absolutely right - I am behaving like a petulant teenager and need to pull myself together.
I have not coped well with the stress of the last two years and I can see now that the mask of professionalism has slipped.
I don’t think I could do her job better - definitely not - she has far more experience than I do - but I had naively thought that I would be treated differently, I suppose more like an equal, but that’s not really how things work is it?
I really really need to make this better because I absolutely cannot leave for financial reasons.
I don’t think I have been uncivil but I have not made the supportive sounds that she would like to hear and I need to find a way to convince her that I am behind all her ideas.
I suppose most people learn to do this in their 20s but for some reason i haven’t developed this skill yet but I can work on it now.
I need to think about how to have the work-life balance conversation. It’s really tricky because she works such long hours but also has children and doesn’t have in any way a similar approach to family life to me. Her answer is just get more childcare so you can work longer hours but I am not going to do that (for a start I don’t get paid as much as she does so I can’t afford it).
She has admitted to me in the past that she expects more of me than she does of the men because women are better at certain aspects of the job (her opinion not mine) so I also resent the fact that the two other members of the team (young men with no dc) don’t get as much extra stuff from her as I do. But I need to get over that. Accept the things o cannot change and all that.
Really do appreciate the insight from you all though. I think I need a life coach to tell me how to behave!

OP posts:

Tablefor4 · 20/10/2021 11:16

I think the life coach would support what you already know:

you want a different work/life balance to her. This is commensurate with your job levels
this is a legitimate expectation
when extra work is being put on, ask which items should be dropped instead

- at review time list ALL the extra work you do

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 20/10/2021 11:20

Shoobydooer you sound like you were in a very similar situation. Have you found a happier way to work now? Have you managed to change or did things just get better once your boss moved on?

OP posts:

Original poster

CuckooCuckooClock · 20/10/2021 11:41

I’m going to need a new personality for my performance review meeting I think.

OP posts:

Shoobydooer · 20/10/2021 12:00

@CuckooCuckooClock

Shoobydooer you sound like you were in a very similar situation. Have you found a happier way to work now? Have you managed to change or did things just get better once your boss moved on?

Think I got lucky in two ways after that - she left first, as I would never have been able to impress in an interview at that point as I was so down on myself.

My new line manager was very much more about working with people's strengths rather than making them work a certain way, and that has helped no end.

It took a very long time though to feel competent again and feel I wasn't seen as some sort of troublemaker. Like you, it feels like a lesson I should have learned much earlier on!

Shoobydooer · 20/10/2021 12:05

There was also very much the feeling OP that my personality was at fault, so I totally get that too - it was very much a matter of being expected to work in a performative, extroverted way that was completely at odds with the way I'd always gone about things - and in your late 30s that's never going to seem reasonable!

FreeBritnee · 20/10/2021 12:11

You either change you attitude or find a new job.

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