Feeling oversensitive about a throwaway comment

[SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder]

I'm not brave enough to post this in AIBU, because I'm well aware that I'm being oversensitive. I was at a hobby earlier this evening, and made a passing comment about my daughter. The person I was talking to said "Oh gosh, I can't belive that you're a mum, you don't seem old enough." And went on to say "That's really shocked me." I'm sure that she didn't mean this in any nasty way. My DP said that she probably just thinks that I look younger than what I am (I'm 27, so very normal age to have a 1 year old) but I'm 5ft 1 and often get mistaken for being younger. Normally I would have taken this as a compliment, but for some reason it's really bothered me.

I do worry that I'm too quiet, passive and in various situations I'm often patronised and treated in general like I'm still very young or incapable. I'm not a very confident person at all. And I have taken her comment to mean that she can't believe I'm a mum because of these reasons. It upsets me to think that other people might look at me and think I'm not capable of being a good mum. I think I'm just projecting my own feelings onto what she said, I don't know.

I'm not even sure what I want from this post. I just need to vent, and maybe some advice about how to present myself better as a mature, capable and maternal person. I'm sick of being treated like a child

I would have taken that as a compliment and conversation starter.

Most adult women are complimented by suggestions they look younger than they are - I really doubt the person meant to suggest anything negative.

That said, I used to look very young for my age, and it got quite tiresome that people made the assumption. All I can say is eventually it'll stop happening... and eventually you'll be sad about that!

Just keep doing what you're doing... the people who matter know you're mature and competent.

Doesn't sound like they ment it maliciously, dont take it to heart. But i get it can be hard, I had it all through both my pregnancy's. Most of the time i could laugh it off but it did get under the skin after a while. The worst was a sweet looking old lady on the bus, who sat tutting at me for 20 minutes , eyeballing my bump. When i passively aggressively asked her if she was ok, she went into a rant about "kids having kids" i was 24 then 26! I've never wanted to shive my ID up someones nose so much!

Oh I remember those days fondly !
Firstly that woman probably hasn't even given what she said a second thought. Her mind has just wandered onto the next thing whereas yours has got it stuck on repeat!
Secondly I'm sure your 1 year old doesn't want you to change one bit !
Just be your lovely self and try not to worry about what others think.
I'm sure we have all (you included) said something that has played on someone else's mind but didn't mean anything by it.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus and @tobypercy honestly if she had said it on a different day when I wasn't already feeling a bit sensitive it probably would have made my day. And I definitely don't think that she meant anything by it, she's a lovely woman. But it's just made me feel so unsure of myself, and brought up my insecurities

@CynthiaRothrock that was very rude of the woman on the bus!! I get you though, I wanted to show my ID too 😅 I just said "Oh no, I'm 28 this year!" But it's silly, age doesn't make you a good mum, and I know plenty of young muns that are absolutely great with their children. But for some reason I felt I needed to justify that I'm old enough.

@whatnumber thank you for this kind reply, I'm sure you're right and she hasn't even registered that I could have taken it badly.

You wasn't treated as a child. It was merely a positive thing and you've taken it the wrong way. Do you have low self esteem/self worth? I ask as you mentioned your height as well. This can play a part in how you are feeling.

It was a compliment.

@WakeMeUpin22 yes I didn't mean that she treated me like a child, what I mean is that in my daily life (for example, at work, by my own mum, by a friend I often have playmates with) I am treated like a child. The comment that was made to me has unintentionally brought up these feelings. And yes, as I said upthread I'm not very confident anyway, and quite insecure about these things which is why I've projected them onto the comment

Playdates, not playmates 🤦‍♀️

It wasn't a throwaway comment it was a compliment. Take it !

Take this as a helpful clue.
What are you sensitive about, ?
Looking young is perceived to be good?

If your baby is only one you"ve been dealing with shift in personal identity issues in the last year.

Do you work? Has your identity become being a mum and so "not looking like a mum" gave you a jolt.

You are going to your hobby which is a good thing for your sense of your self.

I think we can all slightly over identify with motherhood to begin with because it is so all encompassing! You're a step a head getting back in to yr hobby!

Ps, in middle age myself here, i think i have forgotten that some young women in their 20s can feel they look too young in groups of mixed aged/older women. I had forgotten that deep dark memory! But yeh, i do remember feeling that they might be thinking 'sure she's still a child,'.

I think it's a fairly normal feeling.

When I was pregnant with my first an word got around at work a colleague burst into my room to tell me I was too young to have a baby. Her face was an absolute picture when I said I was 31.
After I had the baby I was buying paracetamol and the lady at the till had a trainee with her. She explained paracetamol was an age restricted product, but I was obviously old enough.
Sleep deprivation and general mum stress did for my youthful looks. You must be doing well to still have them, Op.

@QueenDanu yes I do work, only part time. But since maternity leave I feel I've lost my confidence in my ability to do my job well. At first, I found having a baby hard because I didn't feel like a mum (whatever that feels like!) I was so scared that I would do a bad job.

Backstory, I grew up in and out of care, and having a child has really made me reflect on my own relationship with my mum and how much I've missed out on. I was terrified that I would become like my mum and end up ruining my daughter. I've been going to therapy for this, and the good news is that I now do feel confident as a mum. Part of me going to this hobby was to try to push myself to be brave enough to do something I've always wanted to do, as well as have a little break and find an identity for the new mum-version of me. (I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm struggling to articulate it).

When she made the comment, I guess it made me feel like I've done all of this work on myself to be a stronger woman and a capable mum, and other people can't see it. It made me think that maybe I'm not doing as good a job as I thought I was.

@AliceinBorderland 💐 trying to! 😅 even my DP said "Normally you would have loved that!" And he's right. Bloody brains and unresolved issues huh....

@GlumyGloomer 🤣🤣 yes to mum stress, but I'm VERY lucky to have avoided sleep deprivation. When my daughter was younger, me and DP took it in turns to do the night shift, and from about 3 months she has slept through the night. (I did want another baby, but there's no way I would get this lucky again, so maybe not 😅). I think it's more that I'm very short, so people just assume I'm younger. But I do worry that I don't present myself confidently, which adds to the impression of me being younger

@GlumyGloomer also, that's wild that a colleague felt it was appropriate to burst in and let you know that they thought you were too young!!

@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder yeah, it was a bit off. She was usually lovely so no idea where it came from. At the time it was just funny but if I had been younger it would have been really hurtful. I am also a bit vertically challenged, so you may be right about that.
In the end dd started sleeping through when she was 2. Had another one thinking they're all different etc and....2 again. I just have crap sleepers. Maybe you'll just have good ones.

I’m 43 people always seem surprised I have an 18 year old! I’ve always had comments - even now it is like a little voice making me doubt my capabilities as a parent! I think people weirdly think they complement you or something as you don’t look old enough.
My Dad who has good genes he is in his early 60’s but doesn’t look much older than 50….you should see people faces when he introduces me as his daughter!
I’ve had 18 years of it - she grown up just fine - I just wish people wouldn’t say anything!

I think it’s a compliment, my mum is small and petite she’s got comments like this about her age all her life. As to work place I would wear more formal clothes - it always helps.
Also some people just love commenting, I would just ignore them.
It sounds like you are doing a grand job.

It sounds like a compliment but use how you feel to your advantage. There is obviously something there that has triggered you - you don’t feel good enough. Why is that? What’s the background? And what could you do for yourself to make you feel more confident in you and your abilities? I’m sure you are completely smashing it! X

I know exactly what you mean, it used to happen to me a lot. I found that people talked over me, assuming I wasn't a parent and that made me feel really worthless for some reason. It's hard to explain isn't it?

But in 20 years you will be loving it when you get those kind of comments, trust me!

Sorry just read your earlier post. It sounds like you are already on a self discovery path. Good for you. Also don’t underestimate how becoming a mum makes you reevaluate everything you thought you knew about yourself, your past relationships and your identity. It definitely did for me. I lost confidence (still working on that!) Keep doing the class. You sound like you are doing great.

Don't take it to heart, OP -- she presumably did mean it as a compliment, if she meant anything at all (though I personally find the 'all women think it's the ultimate compliment to be told they look young' thing a bit tiresome.

But if you feel that people around you are generally treating you like a child, and it's damaging you, then that's something you should prioritise working on, whether that's by therapy or challenging things these people say or do. Or both.