Page 2 | Saw a chat taking the mick out of me in a meeting

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 2021-10-19T17:16:23+00:00

Hi all, I feel a bit deflated and down. I have just started retraining and was in an online seminar today presenting an article. Someone did their presentation after me, closed the window they were sharing and a chat screen was visible for several seconds to the whole group. The person was taking the mick out of me with one or two other people from the class. What I saw was something about how I was being enthusiastic and a lot of laughter emojis and my name jumped out a few times although I'm not sure what it said further down. So, nothing horrible as far as I read but it's still not very nice that people I don't know well were taking the mick, and everyone saw. I am actually quite nervous and have had to build up over the years to being able to present with confidence and speak publicly. I felt belittled and foolish especially as I am newer to the subject than a lot of the group. I did jokingly mention the chat when it popped up so it was obvious I had seen. Personally, I would have messaged privately to apologise and say nothing malicious was meant by it but I have not heard from those involved. We haven't really been a group long and have been mostly working remotely so don't all know each other (some live in halls together but I'm older)? Would you do or expect anything more here or just take it on the chin and put it down to immaturity?

Bellyups · 19/10/2021 19:30

You would feel proud that you are now doing something well that you have had to build up to do. I also think you handled it well, by edging something that made it clear you had seen.
They sound immature and not particularly nice. Probably a bit jealous by you as well.
Ignore them, other people in the group will have also thought they were insecure and nasty, they look like idiots - not you!

Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 19/10/2021 19:38

Thanks tractor another good point but I won't see them in person for a while as our lectures are currently online (hopefully not for the whole year!). I'm actually thinking of this through the lens of my previous job as quite a senior manager. I would have come down quite firmly on this as I don't think people should be made to feel their input is being belittled. However, I'm well aware I'm not in that position anymore and they're not my direct reports so wasn't sure how well it would go down if i brought it up directly! I didn't want any escalation or bad feeling hence thinking of discussing with the group leader so she could give them a heads up rather than the direct approach which would be my usual go to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 19/10/2021 19:41

Aquafizzle and rogue that is really kind! I'm pleased I at least mentioned it even if I don't take it any further. They don't get to think 'ah well she probably didn't see'. I know they didn't say anything vicious but hopefully that will at least make them think in future!

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Original poster

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 19/10/2021 19:41

And bellyups

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/10/2021 19:50

Absolutely let the course leader know. Why hide away? It was unpleasant.
If they want to give "feedback" they should give it to people's faces and not behind their backs... this is an important part work ...to treat their colleagues with courtesy and its not something YOU should have to be ashamed of, If I was the course leader I would want to raise this with those idiots.
What these had been discriminatory remarks? It would'nt be OK then would it? but they were picking on the one person who was slightly different to them weren't they? It's unacceptable.

Also don't feel down about your presentation. Its good that you were enthusiastic. Bullies trying to single out someone who is different will pick on anything, however spurious.

Also, This is a training course, so you will be improving as you are moving forward.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/10/2021 19:55

Hi OP, as someone who used to manage a PGT course, I would want to know.

People waste so much time and energy thinking up "approaches" in scenarios like this. Don't bother. Be honest. Email the tutor - 'Dear X, during the seminar on sustainable management another member of the group accidentally shared her screen and I could see that she was having a chat conversation. I feel uncomfortable about this. Might you be able to set down some ground rules for the group about appropriate conduct? Thank you!"

No drama.

Tbh there is every chance the seminar leader has already contacted them. At our institution, this would come under student conduct policy and I wouldn't put up with it any more than I would put up with others smirking and nudging each other during a F2F pres.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 19/10/2021 19:56

Sorry having a chat conversation about me

Smashingspinster · 19/10/2021 20:01

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

Thanks for the further lovely comments!

Thanks smashingspinster it's a good point- however in terms of what I saw, it wasn't anything unforgivable but it was definitely laughing at me, not with me. They were mentioning me being enthusiastic in a bit of a snarky way. Probably more bonding and having a laugh amongst themselves than anything. You remember how kids at school would vie to appear as nonchalant as possible about the work?

Yes I do, and I think that even in their 20s people are often susceptible to peer pressure and wanting to fit in. Best to just slip in a comment if you can - I am going to be enthusiastic today, just warning you! - and then let them get on with it. I have been on the end of this, and I think you are spot on, it is more about them than you. I bet they didn't even really mean it. I would ignore as much as you can, it is totally stupid group dynamics.

BitterTits · 19/10/2021 20:02

For those thinking they're immature and OP should move on, out of interest would you let your DC get away with this shit? They're postgraduates but there would be consequences for my kids if they behaved like this.

Smashingspinster · 19/10/2021 20:06

@BitterTits - she has not let them get away with it - she let them know she saw it.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 20:07

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

Thanks tractor another good point but I won't see them in person for a while as our lectures are currently online (hopefully not for the whole year!). I'm actually thinking of this through the lens of my previous job as quite a senior manager. I would have come down quite firmly on this as I don't think people should be made to feel their input is being belittled. However, I'm well aware I'm not in that position anymore and they're not my direct reports so wasn't sure how well it would go down if i brought it up directly! I didn't want any escalation or bad feeling hence thinking of discussing with the group leader so she could give them a heads up rather than the direct approach which would be my usual go to.

Has your method of dealing with unprofessional behaviour always been to bring it up with someone in authority? Do you not let your staff at least try and sort themselves out first before coming to you?

Generally speaking telling someone in authority is an escalation. It would create more 'bad feeling' (if that's what you're worried about) compared to telling the person involved directly. Especially as they definitely know that it's you.

Letting people know that you saw something is enough to make them back off. Reporting it adds another layer of seriousness. It sounds like you are nervous and want the group leader to tell them off and 'shield' you. However as they will already know its you it will probably make them just be more careful next time - and continue to make even more fun of you.

YouDoIDo · 19/10/2021 20:08

I would take it as they were probably worried your presentation was better than hers so tried to put the others off you. That’s how I see things so wouldn’t worry about it I’d 100% want to work with an over enthusiastic person than a bitchy one. Good luck with your training x

chocolateorangeinhaler · 19/10/2021 20:12

What was the context?

Was it 'snoop is being really enthusiastic- good on her'

Or

'Look at snoop being all enthusiastic- know it all big head, I hate her'

You'll never know so don't pay it any thought. There is a saying that goes ' what others think of you is none of your business' it's so true.

driftcompatible · 19/10/2021 20:14

Oh that's horrible.

Def raise it with the course leader.

However I would assume it's one of three things completely unrelated to you.

They want to act above it all with each other. Like 'who gives a toss about this?' I'm sooooo not invested. Like whatever. She's well invested. Ha ha. I'm so cool in comparison
Jealously. 'Oh wow she's good. I won't be that good. I suck at things like this. I'll just make a joke about it so when I have to present or speak my friends will think I'm shit on purpose'
I have literally NOTHING to say so I'll say something random to get a laugh without any thought behind it whatsoever.

So I really don't think it would have been ABOUT you but more about them feeling so desperately insecure they needed to use someone else to build themselves up.

That's so pathetic. What idiots.

gavisconismyfriend · 19/10/2021 20:15

Presumably it is some type of professional programme if it’s a postgrad? I’d be unutterably furious if some of my students did this. I’d definitely want to know about it and would be addressing it. They may be young, but they are old enough to know better!!!

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 20:25

@BitterTits

For those thinking they're immature and OP should move on, out of interest would you let your DC get away with this shit? They're postgraduates but there would be consequences for my kids if they behaved like this.

If I found out my children were picking on another child and it was true, knowing my children, yes I would act on it. However this isn't about children. It's about professionalism. School and university no matter what people say are very protected environments.

In the workplace - if somebody came to me and said 'I saw this group chat, it made me feel uncomfortable, they said something about my enthusiasm and there were laugh emojis' - I would ask them what they expected me to do. Not doubting the OP but from the point of a third party professional who has to arbitrate you need to have a solid grievance. As a manager I have had lots of this. Many people whose behaviour needed correcting, but an equal number of people who made a big fuss about nothing/misunderstood the situation.

Therefore as a professional the attitude I inculcate in my staff is they can come and talk to me about it, how they feel, I can give them advice on handling the situation etc. I will keep an eye out if suspect behaviour is brought to my attention.
However if they wanted to raise a grievance - meaning institute a complaint and have me actually speak to the other person they must have solid proof, it has to be repeated behaviour that has had a major impact. If there is indeed maliciousness it won't be just the one time.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 19/10/2021 20:25

Well they're dickheads then. There is nothing better in terms of a presentation than enthusiasm for the subject (and knowledge of course).

This would have totally thrown me and I'd be really upset too. I hope your tutor saw.

SixQuidGames · 19/10/2021 20:30

Really sorry this happened to you, OP. Something similar happened to me in a work meeting where we were all on video conference and someone shared their screen. Everyone saw it and I was really upset. I raised it with my manager at the time and she kind of dismissed it, though the person whose screen was shared did later apologise to me.

I know how you feel though, it’s a real knock to the confidence to begin with but it’s them who are lacking confidence otherwise they wouldn’t be poking fun at someone else who is actually being effective.

Motnight · 19/10/2021 20:31

Well done Op for making it clear that you saw the chat.

Tilltheend99 · 19/10/2021 20:33

I thought this was a work thing at first but then read the halls bit.

It’s not very nice but remind yourself how young and immature they are. Yeah they should probably apologise but young people all think they are the first and best to have done anything without realising a million others have come before.

They will realise what muppets they were ten years from now (if they are lucky enough to have any self awareness)

Hopefully as the course goes on and everyone sees each other more they will all seem more friendly and maybe even value the experience you bring.

Best thing you can do is hold your head high and don’t change to ‘fit in’ If for some reason it continues then report them as there is probably zero tolerance for bullying.

SuperApple · 19/10/2021 20:33

The first thing I thought was you've clearly rattled them. You've made them insecure, trust me on this. They haven't yet learnt that you don't shine brighter by dimming someone else's candle.
Now - go and practice your best projection voice in the mirror whilst having a shimmy to 'pop ya collar'

ittakes2 · 19/10/2021 20:43

I would take it as a compliment - they clearly think you are doing well and you are doing better than them so they are jealous. They are in theory taking the mickey out of you...in reality hiding the fact you make them feel inferior. I think you handled it brilliantly letting them know you saw it.

Nibblypiggotonabus · 19/10/2021 20:55

Definitely immaturity and nothing personal. They'll be at that age where it's not cool for them to be seen as interested or enthusiastic about anything, I really wouldn't take it personally, they're probably feeling pretty stupid right now.
Well done on facing your fears and presenting in front of others. Keep going and next time tell them to fuck off.

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 21:00

@Snoopfroggyfrogg

Aquafizzle and rogue that is really kind! I'm pleased I at least mentioned it even if I don't take it any further. They don't get to think 'ah well she probably didn't see'. I know they didn't say anything vicious but hopefully that will at least make them think in future!

I think you were really good! Assertive, to the point. You actually put them on the spot but with being aggressive. You gave them an excellent example of what a more mature behaves.

TrueRefuge · 19/10/2021 21:13

@SnoopFroggyFrogg (great username!)
This was so unfair but put it down to immaturity. They were probably just threatened by the enthusiasm you have; their brains are too under-developed to have the composure you do. It absolutely sucks you had to see it, but I think you've done the right thing coming online to vent rather than deal with it directly. Know that you came across enthusiastic (in any other setting that would be a positive, and it should be!), and DO NOT let this detract from the progress you've made in public speaking etc. I imagine we all get talked about all the time, and it sucks you had to see it; but it's on them, not you.

Rise above - head high, far more professional than that particular group!