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Original poster

Needy grandparents and newborn

27 replies

FTMell · 16/10/2021 15:01

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not. I'm a FTM to a 2 week old baby. After a load of visitors in the first week I'm trying to enjoy time just me, DP and baby before he goes back to work as he works away during the week and we will never get this time back. My hormones are all over the place and I've been very emotional. My parents came round to see baby the day after he was born which was the day I came home from hospital as did DP's parents. My parents came round quite a few a few times in the first week but have only seen them Wednesday this week. I've had some messages saying they are quite upset as they have hardly seen baby and would like to see him more and haven't had a very good week because of this, mum has felt a bit low she said. I just feel this is putting a lot of pressure on me. We had a good relationship but I feel like this is making things a bit tense.

My mum has a lot of friends who see there grandchildren loads so think she is just comparing to what she thinks is 'normal' but I would find that too suffocating. DP is happy whatever and doesn't mind when they come over. Had similar issues with DP's mum as she was calling over without letting us know but seems to be a bit more understanding now and giving us space. Am I being too precious? How often did grandparents visit in your family in the early days? I just want to stay in our own little bubble!

OP posts:

Beamur · 16/10/2021 15:09

I think it's perfectly fine for you to want to spend some time just the three of you. You need to rest and heal too and get to know your baby.
Your Mum is being quite ridiculous and selfish. Is this her first grandchild?
In the long run, a loving granny is worth her weight in gold, so I wouldn't fall out over this.
Remember though, your baby, your rules. She's had her turn at being Mum and grandparents don't get to call the shots. It's about reasonable give and take.

Notonthestairs · 16/10/2021 15:13

I think it's perfectly fine for you to want to spend some time just the three of you. You need to rest and heal too and get to know your baby.

^^ this sums it up. I'd say please don't add any pressure right now, I've just had a baby!

And remind her that she has years ahead to enjoy spending time with their grandchild. There's no need to rush.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 16/10/2021 15:30

There is no right or wrong amount of time to spend together. But it's perfectly reasonable for you to say to them "DP, I and the baby would really appreciate spending time together alone this week as it's the only time he has off work, but after he goes back to work I would love you to come and visit as much as possible because I will really appreciate the help then".
Assuming you get on well with them I guarantee you will appreciate their visits once DP is back at work and you're alone with the baby. You'll need someone to make you cups of tea and snacks, you'll need someone to cuddle the baby when you're desperate for the toilet or a shower, etc. But be firm with this week alone together.

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Families

DILevil · 16/10/2021 15:32

Ignore their manipulation, of course you need time just the 3 of you. If they lived away they might not even have visited you yet. Nip it in the bud now before they are making a nursery room and demanding overnight stays from week 3

Fdksyihfd · 16/10/2021 15:36

My DH asked that after the grandparents met our DC could we have space for the first two weeks as with his first DC he felt he didn’t get to spend that time with her with so many visitors. I was more than happy with that and neither set of grandparents seemed to mind as there was plenty of time to see them after those first 2 weeks. I think it’s very unfair for your mum to make you responsible for her emotional well-being when you’ve just had a baby

SunshineCake1 · 16/10/2021 15:36

I'd text and say you are having some time together as a family as DP has to go back to work next week so would she like to visit on Wednesday. If she's anything but understanding and appreciative I wouldn't be inviting her over for a week or two. Emotional manipulation is just bullying.

ChateauMargaux · 16/10/2021 15:38

Mum... there will be plenty of time for you to spend with bubba and I when DH is away Monday to Friday... for now, we need this time together. I love you. .

Floralnomad · 16/10/2021 15:42

It’s up to you , although if they are local you could just pop in to see them for 30 minutes or vice versa which isn’t a great infringement on your time . When I had my babies my mum was over or I was with her a lot , we always saw lots of each other pre child and that continued up to her death a couple of years ago . However I wouldn’t have been happy to see that much of my in-laws but that’s how our family worked .

MrsPsmalls · 16/10/2021 17:21

Entirely up to you. Doesn't sound unreasonable at all. The person saying no always has the casting vote.

Original poster

FTMell · 16/10/2021 17:38

I did think it wasn't fair for her to make me feel responsible for her emotions when I've with at the moment so don't need that extra pressure. I told her the other day I wanted to spend some time just us 3 and make the most of it before DP goes back to work and then today I get these messages. It is the first grandchild yes. The last thing I want is to fall out but she really isn't respecting my boundaries.

OP posts:

DGFB · 16/10/2021 17:41

I’d say you’re enjoying your time and there will be loads of time when DH goes back to work. Are they helpful? If they come and put the washing on, make you lunch, bring over dinner then you’re going to be grateful in the coming weeks when the newborn sleepy phase wears off. Then you can’t put them down and you’re quite happy for somebody else to hold them or help!

PurBal · 16/10/2021 17:51

Your mum sounds like mine. No one visited us until day 3. Then only immediate family for two weeks. Your DC has been alive 14 days and she’s upset she’s not seen him for more than 1?! She needs to get a grip to be honest. Be strong, you’re amazing.

JaneDoe21 · 16/10/2021 17:54

Just say to them when DP has gone back to work you'll see them a bit more but for now your treasuring the time just the 3 of you.
Surely she'd understand that?
YANBU though when mine were newborns I just wanted to slob about in my PJs and have lots of baby cuddles rather than having to entertain.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 16/10/2021 18:01

I am currently pregnant and will dealing with similar.

I am already tee-ing up the "time together as a family", my plans to have a few weeks to recover and adjust, how verrry special my first mothers day which will be spent with "just us" etc.

My personal plan is to set boundaries early and hard. MIL in particular loves to be "the guest" and can generally be found hysterically crying when not centre of attention.

The good news is the power dynamic is strongly in your favour.

JustNoGP: i want to see my GC more why are you withholding them from me? Everyone else gets to do x y amd z Waaaaaaaaah!!

Me (calmly): i dont know what is going on with you at the moment but you need to stop and step back.
i am a first time mum and this is time i will never get back.
None of my plans/requests are weird or usual... even if they were, you are my mother and you should be supporting me when i am so vulnerable not emotionally manipulating me and dumping your emotional baggage on me which IS what you are doing.
I am on mat leave for a whole year and would love to spend time doing lots of lovely stuff with you and baby.
I am willing to chalk this one up as baby weirdness and want us to enjoy this time together. We can grab a coffee and cake next thursday if you want but if you insist on keeping on with this and making things unpleasant we will have a problem.

Erictheavocado · 16/10/2021 18:05

It is hard. When I was a new mum I would have agreed with you entirely. Now I am a grandparent, I can also understand something of how your mum might feel. She shouldn't be making you responsible for how she is feeling, but I do understand the 'pull' of a new, first grandchild. Someone upthread suggested you might consider visiting them for a brief while? You would have more control over timing etc.

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 16/10/2021 18:08

OP, you're not being the slightest bit 'precious'.

Self-preservation and boundaries matter, and if you & your DP want to spend time alone enjoying this special time together with your tiny son, that's what matters right now.

Many congratulations, btw!

--> [for you]

MissChievous12 · 16/10/2021 18:11

@Erictheavocado

Same here. There's a lot of excitement as well as concern for your adult child when they are expecting a baby. It's a whole new experience for your mum as well as you. I do completely agree with your need for space, and personally I would be slightly hurt but not let it show. It's a massive life change for you, but also for your mum, so I hope you are able to be understanding of her. (Caveat: this only applies if she's over excited but generally well meaning and wanting to help. If she's manipulative and toxic as a rule, then all bets are off, and of course only you know that) Congratulations

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 16/10/2021 18:18

Wow! Manipulative much? Your mum is feeling a bit low because she hasn't got her own way and seeing the baby every day because SHE wants to!!! Let her get on with it!!! You need this time for your own bonding time with babe. Also think about "infection control" as a reason. Your babe hasn't been vaccinated yet and only has passive immunity to viruses which he has got in utero from antibodies from you. There is a well documented nasty cold virus going through the UK so the last thing you need is somebody bringing that in to your house. Stick to the boundaries you have set so that you are on it from day one.

ParkheadParadise · 16/10/2021 18:19

I came home from the hospital with dd2 to a full house.
My 5 siblings, inlaws, several nieces and nephews were there.
We ended up ordering takeaway for everyone.
My sisters all live locally so they were over most days. My inlaws stay 40 mins away in the early days they came over 2/3 week.
I was happy for my inlaws to take dd out for the day or have her at their house from newborn.

Goldbar · 16/10/2021 18:21

Tell them you'll welcome their help when your DH goes back to work.

For the first few weeks, I was terrified that something would happen to DC if I wasn't watching them the whole time. So I hardly slept at night when everyone else was asleep. When DM/MIL were around (unfortunately not as much as I would have liked due to distance!), they used to watch DC for a few hours during the day so I could catch up on sleep which was so helpful. If they want to help, let them know there will be plenty to do in a week or so but for now you just want this time for you three.

Notonthestairs · 16/10/2021 18:24

But everybody is different. Every birth is different. There's nothing wrong which how the Op is feeling.

And Granny, in this instance, needs to not put her emotions front and centre.

There will be plenty of time to visit over the next few months. The tip is not to alienate or pressure their child in the meantime.

FatBettyintheCoop · 16/10/2021 18:29

Just tell her calmly and firmly that you’d like some family time, just the 3 of you to get used to your new situation.

She needs to stop being mardy and put your needs before her own. Was she always putting herself first when you were younger?

I had no family around when DS was born as all GP’s had died so I’m sure having her nearby to help out will be incredibly useful in the next few months, but only if she’s actually helping you, rather than visiting and demanding attention?

therespectablecardigan · 16/10/2021 18:38

I'm usually the more the merrier but this has really annoyed me on your behalf OP! Your mum making this all about her Tell her you'd be very grateful for her to come round, you have plenty of washing/cleaning/cooking for her to do whilst you, DH and baby spend quality time together.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 16/10/2021 18:45

Assuming you get on well with them I guarantee you will appreciate their visits once DP is back at work and you're alone with the baby. You'll need someone to make you cups of tea and snacks, you'll need someone to cuddle the baby when you're desperate for the toilet or a shower, etc.

I’m not sure it’s a need. At least I hope it’s not, I won’t have anyone to do that stuff! We’ll have to muddle on.

@FTMell I expect the same is going to happen when I give birth. We’re trying to set boundaries now and explain that we’ll be spending a week or two as a three getting used to everything; and then we’ll see everyone the same as usual, once a fortnight or so. I don’t think I can give any more than that… I wouldn’t cope.

I’m expecting the same guilt tripping, but hoping that it won’t happen.

Freddiefox · 16/10/2021 18:58

I think k your mum is being a bit manipulating and unnecessary to be honest. She may always have been like this but now you’ve added a baby to the mix it changing things.

Do what you and your husband want to do. Don’t be pressed into something you don’t want to do. It will cause resentment.

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