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Original poster

Is this really cheeky or how it should be?

77 replies

PackedintheUK · 15/10/2021 15:38

New father has chosen not to take paternity leave now, but to take it as two separate weeks later in the year. (Teacher, will attach each week to a half term holiday).

That's fine and within the legislation.

However he's also insisting he has the right to attend all midwife appointments and in these early days, they are very frequent. I think I was visited daily to begin with?

Right that he should be given the time off for them or no, his wife will have to attend alone.

School does usually allow "reasonable" time off to attend medical appointments for children, but staff don't generally ask for routine things when there's another parent at home. Maybe they should?

OP posts:

Tilltheend99 · 15/10/2021 19:40

@MrsRobbieHart

He’s being cheeky. He’s essentially asking for extra paternity leave. Not sure why his wife would need support for post natal midwife visits tbh.

I don’t think it’s being cheeky to want to spend time with your newborn baby in a country where the male paternity entitlement is pi*s poor.

Some commentators are really living in the Stone Age. Just because something is the way it is doesn’t mean it should be that way forever. We have been culturally conditioned to accept men going straight back to work and women becoming the primary caregiver to the child.

MrsRobbieHart · 15/10/2021 19:44

I don’t think it’s being cheeky to want to spend time with your newborn baby in a country where the male paternity entitlement is pis poor.*

He can spend time with his newborn baby. He has Two weeks paternity leave. That’s what paternity leave is for. Instead he has Chosen to take his paternity leave at a later date and then has asked for additional leave now. That is what’s cheeky. There is already a policy in place to allow him to be home right now. He’s opting not to use it.

Plotato · 15/10/2021 20:34

Had a baby earlier this year. Husband wasn't allowed in the room with the midwife due to covid (nor was my toddler). Pretty much all they did was weigh the baby, very very little else. Visits were on days 1 and 5 - even when my first child was not gaining weight I didn't have daily visits for a fortnight and can't imagine any midwife having capacity for that nowadays, so I suspect some pps experiences are outdated. The midwives didn't give any indication of time (which I understand but was infuriating - even with a newborn I wanted to get out for a walk!) so not sure how this man is expecting to be there without taking whole days off. I'm a teacher and just can't see how it would work without organising cover for the whole day each time, which I just can't imagine a school agreeing to.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 15/10/2021 20:38

I'm childfree and not generally in favour of extra leave being lavished on parents, but I don't think it's unreasonable for a dad to attend ante-natal appointments. People are quick to complain when fathers are uninterested and unsupportive of a pregnancy.

Chloemol · 15/10/2021 21:01

He can attend the appointments but should be working before/after with time off only for the appointment

Itstheprinciple · 15/10/2021 21:29

If he wants to be involved with the immediate newborn stuff, he should take his paternity leave now.

Aderyn21 · 15/10/2021 21:40

The dad can attend a couple of scan appointments Arblemarch but what he wants is to attend midwife appts after the birth and save his 2 weeks paternity leave for later. And really, these are health checks for the mum and baby that he doesn't need to attend since he isn't the patient and the mum is there for the baby.

Midwives often prefer to see a woman without her partner because this is an opportunity to establish that the woman is safe and not suffering from domestic abuse. If a midwife couldn't ever see a woman without her partner being present, this would raise red flags.

WhoWants2Know · 15/10/2021 21:44

I remember the early midwife visits and the father definitely wasn't present. The midwife was checking my nipples and examining the stitches for infection, so if he had been there I would have ejected him pretty quick.

ImNotDancing · 15/10/2021 21:48

Am I the only one wondering why OP cares and how it’s anything to do with her what he does

Hetty0 · 15/10/2021 21:52

@PackedintheUK

New father has chosen not to take paternity leave now, but to take it as two separate weeks later in the year. (Teacher, will attach each week to a half term holiday).

That's fine and within the legislation.

However he's also insisting he has the right to attend all midwife appointments and in these early days, they are very frequent. I think I was visited daily to begin with?

Right that he should be given the time off for them or no, his wife will have to attend alone.

School does usually allow "reasonable" time off to attend medical appointments for children, but staff don't generally ask for routine things when there's another parent at home. Maybe they should?

Are you sure he’s entitled to take it as two separate weeks? A link posted by PP says that’s not possible…

Hetty0 · 15/10/2021 21:55

Have just checked the Gov website and he’s not allowed to take separate weeks.

Notashandyta · 15/10/2021 21:58

New parents have decided how to use their parental leave. Important part of life and they've thought it through carefully from the sounds of it.

What the heck has it got to do with you? Jealous much?

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 22:05

ImNotDancing
I'm guessing they're a disgruntled colleague who thinks that people should put school above their family life. There's sadly a not insignificant number of them in teaching.

Non teachers can attach their annual leave to their maternity/paternity/shared parental leave without having to sacrifice any of their leave. The only way teachers can come close to that is to use shared parental leave to allocate the weeks of leave in a way that's best for the couple.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/10/2021 22:12

He sounds either controlling or cheeky and selfish. I feel very sorry for his wife

surreymum89 · 15/10/2021 22:23

Maybe he just needs to take her to the appointments and she doesn't drive or can't right now because of c-section or pain?

I had a midwife come to the house the next day but at day 5 I have to drive to appointment 30 mins away and to a different location day 10 and again another different location on day 12.

But yes this is probably why he should be taking his paternity leave right now because of the support he should be providing at home.

Notashandyta · 15/10/2021 22:40

Why is everyone assuming they haven't made this decision together???

Can't see where controlling is coming from

donquixotedelamancha · 16/10/2021 02:34

Can't see where controlling is coming from

He's a man. This is MN; the only two options are feckless or controlling.

Aderyn21 · 16/10/2021 07:48

He may or may not be controlling - people think it's a possibility because not being able to see a woman without her partner present is one of the things an hcp would be concerned about.
No one is saying he shouldn't take his paternity leave - only that he shouldn't be asking for more time off on top of that leave because her prefers to save the leave for a more 'convenient' time. It isn't additional holiday entitlement, he's supposed to be using it to support his wife, to idk, drive her to appointments?

Notashandyta · 16/10/2021 08:06

But alot of women prefer support a bit further down the line, when baby awake a little more. Perhaps she has her mum staying at the beginning?
I still don't understand at all this thread why this decision is any of the ops business. A very strange thread

redsky21 · 16/10/2021 08:12

@Notashandyta

But alot of women prefer support a bit further down the line, when baby awake a little more. Perhaps she has her mum staying at the beginning? I still don't understand at all this thread why this decision is any of the ops business. A very strange thread

Maybe she's his boss?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/10/2021 08:15

@Notashandyta

But alot of women prefer support a bit further down the line, when baby awake a little more. Perhaps she has her mum staying at the beginning? I still don't understand at all this thread why this decision is any of the ops business. A very strange thread

The point is you don't get to choose to wait to use the leave whilst also then demanding to take extra days off to support your wife. If she has support from another relative then that makes it even odder he wants to be there for the midwife visit.

Presumably the OP is frustrated as she is the one having to cover her colleagues work.

Frlrlrubert · 16/10/2021 08:29

For me, if he's choosing to take his PL later he's choosing to miss those first two weeks. If he wants both he should use the shared parental leave instead for the later weeks.

ememem84 · 16/10/2021 08:35

Where I am (jersey) the father gets 6 weeks leave. I thought that was the norm in the Uk? (Our laws usually follow the uk’s).

A colleague of mine recently became a father. So he had all of august off. Then is taking another 2 weeks in a couple of weeks. All at full pay.

When I last had a baby laws were different and DH was only entitled to two weeks at full pay.

Prior to this it was the day baby was born and the day baby came home as standard. Anything extra at employers discretion.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/10/2021 08:38

@ImNotDancing

Am I the only one wondering why OP cares and how it’s anything to do with her what he does

I'm presuming the Op is one of the people in the school who has to decide if this is fair or not. The one who has to put cover in place each time he takes time off to go home. As posters have said midwife could drop by any time so be very difficult to time that leave so very difficult to work out how to cover the class. Sounds messy for the school so Op is trying to be reasonable . In my experience in schools teachers try to minimise disruption to their class as much as possible but this guy isn't too bothered about that. And for those saying it's good fathers are interested..he has paternity leave and midterm and Christmas holidays he doesn't need more time off.

superram · 16/10/2021 08:48

He either uses paternity leave or he doesn’t get to be at the appointment, or he takes the time unpaid-simples! If he was in any other job he would take paternity leave or holiday. I don’t have a problem with him moving the paternity leave but he can’t have the extra too.

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