Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

If your partner/husband had a vasectomy, did everyone act like they were some sort of hero?

47 replies

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:02

DH and I are in our early thirties and have two young DC.

Prior to DC1 I was in charge of contraception which involved lots of nasty side effects including bleeding 24/7, mood swings, acne, headaches, bloating and so forth. When we were TTC I had two miscarriages at 12 weeks, the first of which made me haemorrhage, go into shock, fall unconscious and need emergency surgery and blood transfusions. Second wasn’t pleasant either, I know miscarriages never are. Pregnancy with DC1 was therefore marred with endless anxiety and worry and he was born via EMCS after a lengthy excruciating labour. I breastfed him for 20 months in total until DC2 was born via ELCS. I had another miscarriage at 5 weeks between the two as well. After DC2 was born my wound opened up, became infected and I was readmitted to hospital for 3 days. I’m still BFing him now at 15 months.

Throughout all of this, I do not recall anyone ever saying how brave or amazing I was. I’ve never been revered as some sort of hero and I’d never expect that anyway. I’m just going through the same as millions of other women all over the world, usually quietly and with little complaint.

DH had a vasectomy a few days ago and everyone he’s spoken to about it is acting like he’s a brave hero. FIL couldn’t believe how ‘brave’ he was and a couple of his colleagues have said similar. DH himself said ‘not many men my age do this do they?’. I’m not sure what the average age for a vasectomy is but I’m pretty sure most men have one when they’re finished having children, which we are.

It was minor surgery, it took 5 minutes at the GP surgery. He’s still hobbling around groaning and he’s honestly being a total martyr. He ‘forgets’ to take painkillers then complains about the pain, I think if you’re in that much pain there’s just no way you forget to take painkillers.

Anyway, has anyone else experienced this? Men thinking they are God’s for taking charge of contraception for a change. I’m finding it a little annoying to say the least .

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/10/2021 09:03

Why is he telling everyone?

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:05

He said he can’t get around telling everyone at work because he’s hobbling around with a slight hunch and struggles to stand for long periods.

OP posts:

Thatwaslulu · 15/10/2021 09:06

When my dad had the snip he tried to feel sorry for himself and hobble around but my mum and gran were having none of it and told him to grow up, he wasn't the one who had to pass a watermelon through a polo mint. I was 11 (just before my sister was born) and remember it clearly

OverByYer · 15/10/2021 09:06

No not really

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:08

@Thatwaslulu

😂

I have tried to say it’s definitely not the same as having humans cut from your uterus but he claims he can feel the strain in his abdominal muscles and it must feel similar .

OP posts:

HerRoyalWitchyness · 15/10/2021 09:08

My ex acted like he was gods gift for having a vasectomy.
Completely ignored the horrors I'd been through during 4 pregnancies and 3 births. The fact I almost died when giving birth, that my DD almost died when giving birth and that I pushed a 10lb 10.5oz baby out of my fanny. I'm not brave for any of that (although for the last one the midwives did call me superwoman) but he was oh so brave for having minor surgery.

Mumdiva99 · 15/10/2021 09:09

Don't you know he has had major surgery. Don't you know that you must wait on him hand and foot. For he is a big brave man. He could have died if it had gone wrong. I think you are being VVV unreasonable. Have you informed the local paper....maybe there is a bravery award he could get?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 15/10/2021 09:09

I don't think he told anyone really. Obviously I knew, and he told his parents and work. He saw it as a logical thing as he wanted no more children.

It did lead to a medical issue being discovered so it was lucky he had it really.

blobby10 · 15/10/2021 09:11

My DH (now ex) had one after our third child - he very magnanimously accepted that after 2 emergencies and 1 planned C section, my body had been through enough so he wouldn't expect me to be sterilised! I couldn't take the pill and he hated condoms so it was vasectomy or no sex again.

Like OP, everyone thought he was a hero - he tried milking it and even asked for a general anaesthetic until the consultant said "you really don't need a general anaesthetic for an operation as minor as this one"

Theunamedcat · 15/10/2021 09:13

Oh gosh yes! He had one when I was pregnant with my third because I was adamant no matter what I wasn't doing this again his mum took a day off work to accompany him and his stepdad to have the operation she spent the entire journey trying to convince him not to do it didn't he want a baby girl? etc etc (we only have boys) then after it was over they bought him home HELPED HIM ONTO THE SOFA and told me sternly that he wasn't to move for anything I had to help him even to go to the toilet.....I told her to take him to her house then because I was 30 weeks pregnant and not helping a grown man pee for anything his stepdad had to virtually drag her away from the house it was crazy while he was having a minor operation I was walking a few miles to do the school run carrying shopping just getting on with things a day after I left hospital with our first I walked into town to grab a few bits and pieces (admittedly I took a taxi home) I had surgery and lost a lot of blood with the last baby we had I still got on with things

She rang and texted daily after his operation in comparison she rarely saw her grandchildren when they were babies and even now it's been 10 months since she has seen them and didn't text once when they had covid

Its like another world

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:13

@blobby10

Did he hobble around for ages acting like it was pure agony too? DH is driving me a bit mad with it. He’s honestly totally milking it for all it’s worth.

OP posts:

dollybird · 15/10/2021 09:14

No, almost everyone DH knows had a vasectomy (dad, brother, brother in law, blokes down the pub), so it was just the normal thing to do. We had two kids and DD wasn't a year old, but I had PND both times and it was the right thing to do.

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:19

@dollybird FIL and a few of DH’s colleagues had one but they’re still acting like he’s some sort of hero. He’s totally milking it for all it’s worth as well, he hobbles around like he’s in agony but ‘forgets’ painkillers which just doesn’t make any sense. He wants my sympathy I think but I don’t recall him being all that sympathetic when I had my c-sections, he was back to work after a fortnight and I had to get on with it.

OP posts:

Florencenotflo · 15/10/2021 09:19

Oh god. We are having the same discussions at the moment. I've had 2 pregnancies ending in c sections plus to recovery and struggles to breastfeed etc that come with having babies. Plus a miscarriage at 12 weeks which was frankly horrific and badly managed, leaving me with lasting depression (and quite possibly ptsd).

I've also managed all contraception for the 15 years we've been together and all the same horrendous side affects you mention. Depression, unpredictable periods/bleeding, acne, weight gain or increased appetite leading to weight gain meaning I am constantly watching my diet.

But DH doesn't want a vasectomy because it makes him feel funny the thought of someone cutting his ball sack

When we started talking about this 2 years ago, I respected his decision not wanting one, it's his body after all. But as time goes on, I must admit it's starting to really wind me up, and I've probably lost a little bit of respect for DH. He's quite happy for me to keep sacrificing my own mental health and physical health to stay on contraception because he doesn't want a simple op. I appreciate there are side effects but come on... compared to everything above.

But if he did have one and started acting like your DH, I think he'd be given short shrift and told to fucking crack on 😂 I was back driving 3 weeks after my second c section doing nursery runs, looking after a 3 year old and newborn because he was back working away.

You really need to start just giving a blank stare when he complains, don't even respond. 😂

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:23

@Florencenotflo

They told him not to lift for 4 weeks although advice online is extremely conflicting and some websites say you can lift after a week. This means he won’t lift our DS’s so I’m doing absolutely everything while he just sits there. Ok so he went back to work but he doesn’t move around much at work so isn’t like he’s super active. That’s all he does, at home he’s doing nothing at all because ‘he can’t’. He’s driving me mad.

OP posts:

Florencenotflo · 15/10/2021 09:23

And no, it's not normal to be hobbling around like he is. Does he usually milk simple colds etc? I bet he has a dressing gown of doom doesn't he!

For what it's worth, my dad reckons he had his done on Friday afternoon, went for 1 pint that night (medicinal purposes of course) but was back on a building site Monday.

FIL played rugby the next day. Although he does admit it was a mistake because he was in a fair amount of pain but he couldn't miss the match 😂

Florencenotflo · 15/10/2021 09:24

But him a cape and a pair of underwear to go over his trousers 😂😂😂🦸‍♂️

DumpedByText · 15/10/2021 09:29

Ah but is he wearing the dressing gown of doom! 😂

Foolsrule · 15/10/2021 09:33

At least he’s had a vasectomy. Mine refuses! So condoms or no sex I’ve lost a lot of respect for him given my experiences of tears, emergency c-sections, various complications over the years with various births.

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:33

Dressing gown of doom 😂 I might buy him a white one and scrawl DOOM across the back. Definitely going to tell him to wear his undies on the outside of his trousers and buy him a cape for work then everyone really will know how much of a superhero he is. ‘Vasectomyman’.

OP posts:

NewlySingle2021 · 15/10/2021 09:34

Yes my soon to be ex H had one (at his own decision with very little discussion, I was open to more children) and acted like I should nurse him day and night. My pregnancies were awful, births not much better, but y'know poor little man having to cope with a few days of pain. He was fine within a week but still milking it. Yet I have to have regular colposcopies and laser surgery for gynae issues and am supposed to just lump it and get on with things and endure the pain and bleeding without a word of complaint. Still moaned about it on and off a few years on actually, apparently he could still feel 'something' at certain times. Thank god I don't have to listen to that anymore!

politics4me · 15/10/2021 09:35

We are not all like this, Why talk about it?

Bearfrills · 15/10/2021 09:37

Across six pregnancies I've had HG, early mc, late mc, breech baby, transverse baby, baby with a 99th centile head, stitches in places no one wants stitches, secondary PPH, retained planeta, sepsis, emergency section, planned sections, a stuck baby who had to be shoved up and maneuvered around before he could be pulled out leaving me bruised from the bottom of my ribs to the tops of my thighs, and all the associated postnatal recovery stuff. DH was packed off for the snip when our youngest was a few weeks old.

He came home walking like John Wayne and I was sympathetic but by day three of him shuffling about in his dressing gown and whinging every time someone so much as looked at him, my eye was going the stress-twitch thing. When he looked me in the face, completely serious, and told me that "I know how you felt after your sections now" I was ready to hoof him in the nuts. Around day five he developed a very minor skin infection on one of the incisions and needed three days of antibiotic cream a couple of time a day. "Did you feel this rubbish when you had sepsis?" were the words that came out of his mouth.

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:37

acted like I should nurse him day and night.

Yep, my DH is like this tbh. I’ve cooked all week, he hasn’t cleaned a thing and because they said no lifting for 4 weeks he won’t help with DC even though everywhere online says a week. Really wearing thin.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/10/2021 09:38

No because we didn’t tell people. Why would you, it’s personal?

Flip

1 2