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Original poster

If your partner/husband had a vasectomy, did everyone act like they were some sort of hero?

47 replies

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:02

DH and I are in our early thirties and have two young DC.

Prior to DC1 I was in charge of contraception which involved lots of nasty side effects including bleeding 24/7, mood swings, acne, headaches, bloating and so forth. When we were TTC I had two miscarriages at 12 weeks, the first of which made me haemorrhage, go into shock, fall unconscious and need emergency surgery and blood transfusions. Second wasn’t pleasant either, I know miscarriages never are. Pregnancy with DC1 was therefore marred with endless anxiety and worry and he was born via EMCS after a lengthy excruciating labour. I breastfed him for 20 months in total until DC2 was born via ELCS. I had another miscarriage at 5 weeks between the two as well. After DC2 was born my wound opened up, became infected and I was readmitted to hospital for 3 days. I’m still BFing him now at 15 months.

Throughout all of this, I do not recall anyone ever saying how brave or amazing I was. I’ve never been revered as some sort of hero and I’d never expect that anyway. I’m just going through the same as millions of other women all over the world, usually quietly and with little complaint.

DH had a vasectomy a few days ago and everyone he’s spoken to about it is acting like he’s a brave hero. FIL couldn’t believe how ‘brave’ he was and a couple of his colleagues have said similar. DH himself said ‘not many men my age do this do they?’. I’m not sure what the average age for a vasectomy is but I’m pretty sure most men have one when they’re finished having children, which we are.

It was minor surgery, it took 5 minutes at the GP surgery. He’s still hobbling around groaning and he’s honestly being a total martyr. He ‘forgets’ to take painkillers then complains about the pain, I think if you’re in that much pain there’s just no way you forget to take painkillers.

Anyway, has anyone else experienced this? Men thinking they are God’s for taking charge of contraception for a change. I’m finding it a little annoying to say the least .

OP posts:

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:39

@politics4me

We are not all like this, Why talk about it?

He’s told everyone who has asked at work because he’s hobbling around with a hunch so they’ve asked why. I honestly think he’d tell staff in a shop if they asked though, he’s really proud of it and is treating it like a badge of honour.

OP posts:

Bearfrills · 15/10/2021 09:40

Tell him you're really worried that he doesn't appear to be improving in his recovery and that you've arranged a babysitter so that you can take him down to the walk-in for a check over. Usually the suggestion of this is enough for DH to miraculously turn the corner and start feeling a bit better.

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 09:41

@Bearfrills

Across six pregnancies I've had HG, early mc, late mc, breech baby, transverse baby, baby with a 99th centile head, stitches in places no one wants stitches, secondary PPH, retained planeta, sepsis, emergency section, planned sections, a stuck baby who had to be shoved up and maneuvered around before he could be pulled out leaving me bruised from the bottom of my ribs to the tops of my thighs, and all the associated postnatal recovery stuff. DH was packed off for the snip when our youngest was a few weeks old.

He came home walking like John Wayne and I was sympathetic but by day three of him shuffling about in his dressing gown and whinging every time someone so much as looked at him, my eye was going the stress-twitch thing. When he looked me in the face, completely serious, and told me that "I know how you felt after your sections now" I was ready to hoof him in the nuts. Around day five he developed a very minor skin infection on one of the incisions and needed three days of antibiotic cream a couple of time a day. "Did you feel this rubbish when you had sepsis?" were the words that came out of his mouth.

DH was like John Wayne too, I sent him some John Wayne GIFs to make him laugh. I also had sympathy for the first couple of days but it’s wearing thin now. He has tried to claim he can feel it in his abdominal muscles therefore understands how I felt after my c-sections but I’ve definitely given him a stern telling off.

OP posts:

Bearfrills · 15/10/2021 09:43

DH wasn't hugged enough as a child, I think being spectacularly shit at being in pain or unwell is a hangover from that. Do what I do, give him a reasonable about of tea and sympathy (two days tends to be my limit) and then tell him to stop milking it

mydogisthebest · 15/10/2021 09:47

DH had it done when he was 29. We didn't want children and wanted to make sure we didn't have any accidents.

He drove himself home from London to Kent after having it done and went to work the next day (manual job). Didn't make any fuss about it at all but then he never makes any fuss when he is ill which is rarely.

We only told a couple of people and they just said it was a sensible thing to do

dollybird · 15/10/2021 09:50

Notahero that does sound annoying. Maybe buy him a badge 😉 I think I'm one of the lucky ones, in that DH doesn't make a fuss about anything if he's ill etc, just gets on with it. Although he does have a tendency to go to the opposite extreme.

DeadButDelicious · 15/10/2021 09:56

Yup. Never have I known anyone to feel so sorry for their balls. He hobbled around like John Wayne, with his little bag of frozen peas for the first day or so, I think he was secretly disappointed that by day 3 he felt essentially fine and couldn't continue to act like he was mortally injured. He kept on calling it 'major surgery' as well. That was annoying. Especially as I'd had a section.

And yes, he is the proud owner of a dressing gown of doom.

stalkersaga · 15/10/2021 09:56

DH had the snip about 18 months ago. He booked the day after off but honestly he said he could have easily worked. He had one tiny scab on his balls and took OTC paracetamol for a few days. He was back to all normal activities after the first day.

Oh and nobody's treated him like a hero, not in front of me anyway! Most of my female friends have asked for the details so they can discuss it with their partners. He walked to the surgery, it took about twenty minutes, he took a cab home. He said the smell of the cauterisation was the worst part just because it was really weird.

Also a vasectomy doesn't go near your abdominal muscles so I don't know why someone would be complaining about those. They literally make a tint incision on the ball, do both tubes through it, done. Even those who get complications have pain in the testicles, not the abs.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 15/10/2021 09:59

That would infuriate me.

And I would tell him why, exactly as you've laid it out here.

He should be ashamed of himself, frankly, for thinking it in any way compares to the hits you've taken for the 'team'.

wizzywig · 15/10/2021 10:00

Yep married to a dressing gown of doom, snip merchant. He had his whole family come for the operation. Me? I had to get on with birth and life

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 10:05

Also a vasectomy doesn't go near your abdominal muscles so I don't know why someone would be complaining about those.

He told me it feels like someone has kicked him in the balls which makes your stomach hurt and makes you feel nauseous but ‘you wouldn’t understand how that feels’ .

OP posts:

Original poster

Notahero · 15/10/2021 10:06

@itsallgoingpearshaped

That would infuriate me.

And I would tell him why, exactly as you've laid it out here.

He should be ashamed of himself, frankly, for thinking it in any way compares to the hits you've taken for the 'team'.

I will do. I definitely hate the way he’s almost lording it over me like he’s done me a massive favour because it means I don’t need a coil/implant/pill again.

OP posts:

stalkersaga · 15/10/2021 10:07

@Notahero

Also a vasectomy doesn't go near your abdominal muscles so I don't know why someone would be complaining about those.

He told me it feels like someone has kicked him in the balls which makes your stomach hurt and makes you feel nauseous but ‘you wouldn’t understand how that feels’ .

Oh FFS. What a twat. You have my full permission to stumble and "accidentally" elbow him in the stomach yourself.

Peanutsandchilli · 15/10/2021 10:09

My husband won't. Maybe knowing that people will tell him he's a hero will convince him...

DigOlBick · 15/10/2021 10:15

Mine has offered to get one because I’m so shit at being pregnant

He will be ok. He went and had a circumcision just to prove a point to his brother who had had one and had to take two weeks off work. He was back at work the next day.

Harlequin1088 · 15/10/2021 10:28

@Thatwaslulu

When my dad had the snip he tried to feel sorry for himself and hobble around but my mum and gran were having none of it and told him to grow up, he wasn't the one who had to pass a watermelon through a polo mint. I was 11 (just before my sister was born) and remember it clearly

Yes Mum & Gran! 🙌🏻

MinnieMountain · 15/10/2021 10:37

Nope. And he was back playing hockey the following week.

He discussed it with his cousin as we happened to visit them shortly after DH and cousin had both had theirs, but it sounded more like a general comparing notes.

The strongest reaction has been a friend telling me she’s annoyed that her DH still hasn’t had it done (our DH’s are also friends):

Livpool · 15/10/2021 12:36

He should be hoisted on someone's shoulders and paraded like the zero hero he is - that would probably hurt though!

Hen2018 · 15/10/2021 13:32

No, because we didn’t talk to other people about the most private parts of our life.

bagsofbats · 15/10/2021 13:45

Unfortunately dh had his done the one time in my adult life I have been bedridden with flu. He just has to get on with it and our two small dc at least he could remain upright (which I couldn't at that point) . He has a manual job and went back to work a week later.

Can't be doing with man-child carrying on, it is deeply unattractive.

Bobsyer · 15/10/2021 14:03

God, YANBU.

My husband had the snip a few years ago, and tbh he was fine. He’s never treated it as anything other than something very minor that had to happen as he didn’t want more kids, and as a fair trade for me having done all the hard work.

But everyone else - bloody hell. You’d think he’d gone to war for us - add that to the fact that he’s a SAHD and honestly it’s like people want to give him a medal for it .

Blurp · 15/10/2021 14:37

DH came out feeling "wobbly" and took to bed for 3 days. He had it on a Thursday, so took the Friday off work, and had warned them he might not be in on the Monday.

He wouldn't tell anyone he had had it done, thankfully, or I'm sure he would have been insufferable.

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