Single full time working mums... help me!

[OfNick]

So I went full time a few weeks back. I have three - two high school and one at primary. I work four days at home and one in the office. Youngest s dad helps out a bit, one morning and one afternoon school run a week. I have minimal family help and only from my mum. 13 year old is extremely difficult, eldest is on ASD pathway and youngest was diagnosed at 3. I have a physical disability, no aids needed but fatigue and fall easily. I'm exhausted. I love my job. Also love my kids but they are extremely hard work. Previously I didn't work for ten plus years but have progressed very quickly up to managerial in the last 8 months due to pure hard work and dedication. I have debts that I am paying off. That's the background. But I am struggling so much. Washing, cleaning, cooking and generally fitting it all in. I am absolutely exhausted. Going part time again is not an option, I've been given an amazing opportunity and I can't let that go. I feel like I am on the go from 6 am till 11pm and I can barely sleep even when I get the opportunity, I dream about spreadsheets nightly!!! Does anyone have any tips how to handle this? Was looking at a cleaner but I'm in my overdraft as it is so I can barely afford it. I just feel completely out of my depth. Help!!

You've e gone full time and have done so much to square your debts but realistically if you are so exhausted already something's got to give.
If you can get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week it will take the urgency out,
One load of laundry in to machine each day, one load drying. So each day you put one load in, hang up the previous load, fold the load before that.
Simplify cooking. Make a three week plan with nothing taking more than 30 mins mon-fri. Precook/batch cook for the freezer if you can. Super simple cheap foods at least 3 days a week.
A 10 minute joint tidy round with your two eldest either first thing or last thing every day.
And remember, you are already doing 2 full time jobs so having an immaculate home isn't at the top of your list. Go a bit easy on yourself: you are doing really well.

As above - you can’t do it all.

@ODFOgrinch

You've e gone full time and have done so much to square your debts but realistically if you are so exhausted already something's got to give. If you can get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week it will take the urgency out, One load of laundry in to machine each day, one load drying. So each day you put one load in, hang up the previous load, fold the load before that. Simplify cooking. Make a three week plan with nothing taking more than 30 mins mon-fri. Precook/batch cook for the freezer if you can. Super simple cheap foods at least 3 days a week. A 10 minute joint tidy round with your two eldest either first thing or last thing every day. And remember, you are already doing 2 full time jobs so having an immaculate home isn't at the top of your list. Go a bit easy on yourself: you are doing really well.

Thank you so much for replying. So currently doing around three loads of washing a day. Stupidly bought a heat pump drier when my vented broke and it just takes HOURS to dry. Coats pennies though luckily!! Tried gousto while we had the discount... made spag Bol tonight but the middle child stripped so badly, I got called an idiot, a noob and a boomer?? Meal plan sounds great though, maybe I can do a meal plan, and involve the kids too. I am really trying my hardest. I know eldest won't be doing sixth form or college so tax credits and child benefit will stop in 18 months and I'm trying to prepare myself for that. Don't get any maintenance for my two eldest as it was £31 a month and it wasn't worth the abuse. I want the best for my kids but feel a bit defeated. I mean I won't give up but I'm just on the edge at the moment.

Be kind to yourself! Don't hold yourself to unrealistic standards - if the house cleaning slips, it slips - at the moment your focus is quite rightly on getting through this intense period of starting your new job.

Ask for help. Friends - maybe even your eldest child? Let them know it's really hard for you to manage everything and that you would love help. Maybe you can suggest specific things they could take responsibility for (especially if it's things to do with them that you currently do, like their laundry or preparing snacks).

Joint tidying and getting ready in the morning - I remind my two that we need to work as a team to make everything run smoothly.

Cooking - batch cook at weekends, freeze, reheat. Lower your standards. For example our vegetable during the week is always a plain steamed veg that requires minimal prep, or a simple salad. Eat more easy meals - I love stuff like plain cous cous (super quick) or microwaved sweet potatoes, either can be eaten with a protein like a chilli on top and a veg on the side. Pasta is fine too! We probably eat it more than we did before I took on more hours at work. I am also not above the odd frozen pizza as a treat etc.

Make time for yourself too. Take a bath with some bath salts in it. Remember the old saying "you can't pour from an empty cup" - it really is true!

I find that mindfulness exercise and breathing exercises have really helped me to stay sane when I feel like I'm at the centre of the storm. I've also replaced my bus commutes with cycling as it really helps my mental health - I don't know if it's being outside or the actual exercise but it's really improved my mood.

I don't do any fancy meals any more (except sometimes at weekends) and honestly it has saved so much time. I'm vegetarian but I reckon my basic ones could easily be meaty. My favourite time-savers are:

• gnocchi, panfried and served with ready-made pasta sauce and steamed veg - I usually add sweetcorn to the sauce for an extra protein and grate cheese on top. This literally takes 15 minutes.

• cous cous with chili on top and salad on the side. If I was really desperate I would buy tinned or ready-made chili, but as it is I try to batch cook at weekends so I have it ready in the freezer.

• easy cheese omelette with steamed potatoes and a veg on the side, could be salad or could be broccoli or something

• sausages, ready-made mashed potato that I just heat up in the microwave, gravy, peas, tomato salad

• one-pot stews served over rice - the kind of thing where you literally just throw everything in a casserole dish and either cook on the hob or in the oven. For example last night's was from the new Ruby Tandoh book and was a gorgeous tomato and coconut broth with butternbeans in it - it did take an hour to cook but the actual prep was about 5-10 minutes.

Just some ideas for things that could save time. I use a lot of frozen peas and sweetcorn, veg that requires minimal preparation, tinned beans and pulses, ready-made things like sausages or gnocchi or quiche to make life that bit easier on busy weeknights.

Are you receiving DLA for any of your children? Two have additional needs I think you said?

Getting DLA for eldest DS helped me out a lot.

@unim

I don't do any fancy meals any more (except sometimes at weekends) and honestly it has saved so much time. I'm vegetarian but I reckon my basic ones could easily be meaty. My favourite time-savers are:

• gnocchi, panfried and served with ready-made pasta sauce and steamed veg - I usually add sweetcorn to the sauce for an extra protein and grate cheese on top. This literally takes 15 minutes.

• cous cous with chili on top and salad on the side. If I was really desperate I would buy tinned or ready-made chili, but as it is I try to batch cook at weekends so I have it ready in the freezer.

• easy cheese omelette with steamed potatoes and a veg on the side, could be salad or could be broccoli or something

• sausages, ready-made mashed potato that I just heat up in the microwave, gravy, peas, tomato salad

• one-pot stews served over rice - the kind of thing where you literally just throw everything in a casserole dish and either cook on the hob or in the oven. For example last night's was from the new Ruby Tandoh book and was a gorgeous tomato and coconut broth with butternbeans in it - it did take an hour to cook but the actual prep was about 5-10 minutes.

Just some ideas for things that could save time. I use a lot of frozen peas and sweetcorn, veg that requires minimal preparation, tinned beans and pulses, ready-made things like sausages or gnocchi or quiche to make life that bit easier on busy weeknights.

Thank you so much. I'm a veggie too 😂 Kiddies aren't unfortunately and are fussy eaters, in that they'll eat a wide variety but none like the same! Batch cooking is a great idea. I might do some this weekend. I did sneak off during work hours today and have a bath and wash my hair which felt really bad but it hadn't been washed since last Friday 🤦‍♀️ It sounds awful, I'm such a clean person but my house is just bogging at the moment.

@unim

Be kind to yourself! Don't hold yourself to unrealistic standards - if the house cleaning slips, it slips - at the moment your focus is quite rightly on getting through this intense period of starting your new job.

Ask for help. Friends - maybe even your eldest child? Let them know it's really hard for you to manage everything and that you would love help. Maybe you can suggest specific things they could take responsibility for (especially if it's things to do with them that you currently do, like their laundry or preparing snacks).

Joint tidying and getting ready in the morning - I remind my two that we need to work as a team to make everything run smoothly.

Cooking - batch cook at weekends, freeze, reheat. Lower your standards. For example our vegetable during the week is always a plain steamed veg that requires minimal prep, or a simple salad. Eat more easy meals - I love stuff like plain cous cous (super quick) or microwaved sweet potatoes, either can be eaten with a protein like a chilli on top and a veg on the side. Pasta is fine too! We probably eat it more than we did before I took on more hours at work. I am also not above the odd frozen pizza as a treat etc.

Make time for yourself too. Take a bath with some bath salts in it. Remember the old saying "you can't pour from an empty cup" - it really is true!

I find that mindfulness exercise and breathing exercises have really helped me to stay sane when I feel like I'm at the centre of the storm. I've also replaced my bus commutes with cycling as it really helps my mental health - I don't know if it's being outside or the actual exercise but it's really improved my mood.

My oldest two do literally NOTHING. 13 year old is quite 'abusive' towards me. His behaviour is off the wall. He swears constantly. Have had third party intervention before but to be honest I two fold manage the kind of intervention we've been offered so it just feels pointless. I know the rigmarole etc. Ive tried everything to encourage them to help out but he is just vile. My 15 year old is a sweetheart to be honest but struggles with his own issues.

@TwinsandTrifle

Are you receiving DLA for any of your children? Two have additional needs I think you said?

Getting DLA for eldest DS helped me out a lot.

Yes so we get lower rate mobility and middle rate care for my youngest. Due to my condition I get enhanced mobility and standard care on PIP. The more I earn the more they take away in regards to tax credit though. We're lucky we haven't been transferred to UC yet. So I've basically gone from benefits 8 months ago to full time work and I'm no more than £200 better off a month. But I love working and I want to buy the house we're living in. Can't get a mortgage though as defaulted on an energy account three years ago. If I went back on full benefits life would be easier but I'd feel like I was worth nothing. My job gives me a purpose, I felt before like I was looked down on. Apparently single parenting two ALN children isn't enough 😂 I don't know, I suppose I'm ranting a bit. I even went on a date last night, first time in months and I just felt dead inside. I have not the energy or the inclination for anything. Need a small Lottery win but don't we all!!

Are you sure you can keep up with the job - honestly? It might be worth looking around for something with less hours now you have experience under your belt. Don't run your health into the ground for a job. At least have a time limit in mind for when you cut down a bit. Sounds gruelling (from another LP who realised her health was more important than her work!).

@ojojojojojjjj

Are you sure you can keep up with the job - honestly? It might be worth looking around for something with less hours now you have experience under your belt. Don't run your health into the ground for a job. At least have a time limit in mind for when you cut down a bit. Sounds gruelling (from another LP who realised her health was more important than her work!).

Sounds like you've been where I am now! So since I started I've been promoted twice. The second promotion I didn't even apply for, I was asked if I would put forward an expression of interest. My line manager is just lovely, she's been a LP herself and is so knowledgeable. I feel like she's taken a chance on me and I don't want to let her down or give up on this opportunity which I wouldn't have had without that. I really want to keep this job, I think being that role model for my kids is important too. I've had SS on the phone this week due to eldest children's father yet again. Suppose I just needed to air my troubles this evening to something rather than the walk in front of me! Really value all these suggestions.

That is such lovely motivation for getting back to work and re-starting your career. You will definitely be able to get a mortgage once the energy bill thing is off your credit footprint (I think after 7 years total so only 4 more to go) but also the longer it goes with no similar problems then I think you may find some lenders would be happy to take you on.

I found that working really helped my sense of self and feeling of being able to do something I enjoyed and that challenged me.

Weird idea but would the childcare element of your tax credits kick in if you were paying somebody for after-school care? Eg if you got somebody who has Ofsted registration to come in and help with the kids and meal-prepping before you get home? If you would get help with it, it might be worth going for even if it feels expensive.

Your 13 year old sounds really challenging. Are they diagnosed with anything? Could you potentially get any respite care for either child?

Also remember even if you aren't getting much more money every month despite going back to work, you are really investing in your career progression - you will be in a much much better position in five or ten years' time than you would have been had you not returned to work.

Can you outsource laundry to a local service wash? I found that a life saver.

@unim

Also remember even if you aren't getting much more money every month despite going back to work, you are really investing in your career progression - you will be in a much much better position in five or ten years' time than you would have been had you not returned to work.

Absolutely, I'm trying to shift what I have at the moment which is a loan and a credit card but I'm finding living expenses so much I'm back in my overdraft again. It's a bit bad but I haven't notified tax credits yet that I've started this new role as I know they will knock £150 a week off my TC straight away so although I know I'll have to repay it when I do tell them after payday, I'm kind of treating it like a temporary interest free loan. Bad choices with ex's got me into this place so I'm just wary this doesn't knock onto my kids, though when they're walking round in their top notch stuff while I'm in my holey primark I do think arghhhhh!!! That's what being a mum is though, we all make those sacrifices ☺️

Yes, exactly the same! I know have a sense of self, I needed this. I finished my top up degree year at uni in 2018 but again, the irony is I'm now starting to pay back the student loan 😂 It's so frustrating. I work with some of the most vulnerable in society yet can see the barriers and often feel extremely hypocritical.

We had childcare previously when I was at uni and they got ejected from that basically. CM couldn't keep up with the youngest. Breakfast club is an option... will explore that and it's free too!

13 year old hasn't no. He's very, very intelligent but has no motivation and sits around screeching or basically acting like his father used to, which is awful to observe. I think he's depressed, covid situation didn't help him. Got help in his last school, who were just fantastic, but he really didn't settle and wasn't happy so have moved him into the local (crappy) state. But he's happier so 🤷‍♀️

@AmandaHoldensLips

Can you outsource laundry to a local service wash? I found that a life saver.

Great idea. But again it's money!! I probably sound very defeatist. I try not to be as this is a great suggestion but it's kinda like being between a rock and a hard place!!

Do you have an option to get a lodger in one of the rooms who can help with housework and pay a bit of money to support you guys? Maybe on reduced rent?

@kokokokokokokokoko

Do you have an option to get a lodger in one of the rooms who can help with housework and pay a bit of money to support you guys? Maybe on reduced rent?

This would be a great idea but I'm currently sharing a bed with the youngest so that the two eldest can have their own bedrooms! She's as happy as Larry though so that's something!!

Could you afford £48 a month £12 an hour, two hours twice a month for a cleaner? It makes a huge difference. Try and get the older two involved in cooking, just because they have sen doesn't mean they can't cook. Have you made sure you are claiming all the benefits you can?

Sounds like a weird suggestion but one night a week can you got out for a morrisons meal to avoid cooking and washing up etc. Children's meals are free/two for one.

Can you pay the kids to do certain chores?

@gogohm

Could you afford £48 a month £12 an hour, two hours twice a month for a cleaner? It makes a huge difference. Try and get the older two involved in cooking, just because they have sen doesn't mean they can't cook. Have you made sure you are claiming all the benefits you can?

I think I need to make sure that this money is available as I think it'll take a bit of the stress away? When I first started working I had a cleaner in but they kept leaving early and I wasn't very happy with that. If I could just get rid of this debt life would be easier. I'm working on it though!! I will keep going though and trying to act on these suggestion! We've got this far, no way are we giving up!!

@Keepitonthedownlow

Sounds like a weird suggestion but one night a week can you got out for a morrisons meal to avoid cooking and washing up etc. Children's meals are free/two for one.

Not weird at all actually! We're literally right opposite one and the food is alright! I like this idea! Try paying the kids to help but it ends up being more than a professional would 🙈🙈

For the debts have you downloaded the debt plan spreadsheet from money advice service? I use it at work to help people get on top of things, we look at which to pay off quicker etc. because they have higher interest rates too

@gogohm

For the debts have you downloaded the debt plan spreadsheet from money advice service? I use it at work to help people get on top of things, we look at which to pay off quicker etc. because they have higher interest rates too

I haven't no and I should know about this 🤔 I'll take a look now, sounds like it would be helpful!!