Single full time working mums... help me!

[OfNick]

So I went full time a few weeks back. I have three - two high school and one at primary. I work four days at home and one in the office. Youngest s dad helps out a bit, one morning and one afternoon school run a week. I have minimal family help and only from my mum. 13 year old is extremely difficult, eldest is on ASD pathway and youngest was diagnosed at 3. I have a physical disability, no aids needed but fatigue and fall easily. I'm exhausted. I love my job. Also love my kids but they are extremely hard work. Previously I didn't work for ten plus years but have progressed very quickly up to managerial in the last 8 months due to pure hard work and dedication. I have debts that I am paying off. That's the background. But I am struggling so much. Washing, cleaning, cooking and generally fitting it all in. I am absolutely exhausted. Going part time again is not an option, I've been given an amazing opportunity and I can't let that go. I feel like I am on the go from 6 am till 11pm and I can barely sleep even when I get the opportunity, I dream about spreadsheets nightly!!! Does anyone have any tips how to handle this? Was looking at a cleaner but I'm in my overdraft as it is so I can barely afford it. I just feel completely out of my depth. Help!!

Can you afford a cleaner once a fortnight even ? That way you have either a ‘week off’ a full clean - or (as in my case!) you have a week of untidy house to ignore before the cleaners come

Like pps clothes wash every day, and I put away a load every day too. Minimal ironing - only t shirts abs shirts here - everything else just folded / on hangers

We also get online shop every other week in one of the £1 delivery slots. This is massive help as let’s me get all the big stuff delivered like bulk washing powder, comfort etc plus easier to stick to budget. Go to supermarket in between weeks but again better as can do ‘smaller’ shop knowing the big one will be the following week

If able see if kids can help. If unable to help with things like putting their clothes away, could they do things like make their own pizzas for tea on a weekend ?

Also we have very simple easy to prepare meals. Tray bakes, slow cooker meals, have frozen pre chopped veg etc, jar sauces. Once a week we have pizza and salad, another night pasta and sauce, whole chicken in slow cooker with veg - you get it. Plenty of time for fancy recipes once the kids are older !

Oldest shoukd be able to claim UC if ASD maybe new style ESA when 18

Can you go part time run the figures OP you may be better off finically. There's no point burning yourself and crashing. You sound like your doing a wonderful job though.

You did say you had support from your Mum. Would she help doing you some loads of washing? 3 kids and a full time job is hard work.

If they are ok with stew type food then go down the slow cooker route. Chuck in and switch on before work and it’s ready when you get back. I did this a lot when working.

Iceland has great ready chopped veg if you do a shop over £25 they deliver for free. Their fresh range is very limited with not much choice but it’s fine.

Thank you all. Re slow cooker foods, no chance with the middle child. Took him to the cinema last night and he moaned about the seats, hadn't had a takeaway for a while so I grabbed one on the way home and he complained the burger bun was soggy. I've got up today and the fucking dog has eaten more of my underwear and the house is a shithole. Currently have no furniture barely downstairs to store anything in and no money to buy any. My two eldest don't even have any bedroom furniture as I spent all the available money on new carpets last months. Boxes everywhere. I've got a store card so I've decided I'm just going to chuck it all on there. Dreamt of work again all night. No option now to go back to part time in my organisation for another five months. Plus I wanted to progress for once. I'm so tired I'd like to just sleep forever. That is my rant for the day, happy Saturday everyone!!

@Ukholidaysaregreat

You did say you had support from your Mum. Would she help doing you some loads of washing? 3 kids and a full time job is hard work.

Mum does help when she can but is also nowhere near retirement age and works 50 plus hours a week herself. I just wish sometimes even a friend would say I can see you're struggling let me help you out a bit. A lovely friend did drop my youngest to school for me yesterday which was amazing of her. But I've cut so many out now because I just can't cope with them going 'oh my life is so hard, my husband cooked me dinner last night but used the dried penne instead of the fresh!' 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Congrats on the job progression! No advice really except that it doesn't hurt to have what we call a picnic once or twice a week based around wholemeal sarnies, cut up raw veg, cheese dippers, cut up fruit, mini yogurts etc. They don't have to have a cooked meal every night - call it a meal deal! Good luck.

OP, get rid of the dog--it's an expense and chore you don't need. I'd also 'encourage' your 15 year old to help with chores if possible.
Definitely, a cleaner if you can and take some AL and declutter massively.
Meal plan simple meals--even if beans on toast, jacket potatoes, etc..
Useful website:
cookingonabootstrap.com/

I have 3 kids at home (similar ages to yours), work full time.

I do one wash a day - that's it. No more. Can you do that? Why 3 washes in one day? (we all wear clean clothes -each has a day for their washing which they bring down and I do during the day, plus one for me, one for bedding, and then maybe towels another day.). I wash, fold and they have to put away - all of them.

Cooking - no fussiness allowed! One meal. Let your standards drop. Pizza and garlic bread and salad is fine. Burgers, spag bol, baked potatoes. Mine take it in turns to cook - apart from the youngest. We all eat together every day and they help to put away.

Cleaning - TOMM is good. We all clean together on a Saturday morning. It's boring and i have to nag them, but I have a big house and can't do it alone. We do a different floor each every week.

I tidy a bit during the week - using TOMM and otherwise it gets a bit messy. (quite a lot messy).

Like you I work from home. I write a list on a Monday which has all my work jobs on, and that gets added to. I also have a home list which I work through. I find it easier to do the hardest things first as I'm tired by the evening. I go out at lunchtime every day - I walk the dogs then.

Cooking, we eat at 7, start cooking at 6. Like you I'm tired by the end of the day, and this is my biggest struggle.

And that's it really! My eldest child (now 22 and living away) also has ASD. My 16yo dd is exceptionally challenging and quite horrible most of the time.

I often go to bed by 9.30.

I find alcohol makes me feel worse. Am perimenopausal and HRT has given me heaps of energy and improved my sleep no end. (maybe worth a try?).

@Billandben444

Congrats on the job progression! No advice really except that it doesn't hurt to have what we call a picnic once or twice a week based around wholemeal sarnies, cut up raw veg, cheese dippers, cut up fruit, mini yogurts etc. They don't have to have a cooked meal every night - call it a meal deal! Good luck.

Thank you 😊 i think I do put pressure on myself to do a cooked meal, tbh the 15 year d and the youngest would love that. Middle child is going to have to!

oh and if you're not already - meal plan and do an online shop. It might help if you ask each of the kids to suggest 2 meals too.

[quote DamnUserName21]OP, get rid of the dog--it's an expense and chore you don't need. I'd also 'encourage' your 15 year old to help with chores if possible.
Definitely, a cleaner if you can and take some AL and declutter massively.
Meal plan simple meals--even if beans on toast, jacket potatoes, etc..
Useful website:
cookingonabootstrap.com/[/quote]
Ah I love my dog, he is one of the best things I've done, he's such great company even if he does eat EVERYTHING! I will try that website thank you!

It is so hard! I worked full time, studied part time but I was only raising one child on my own. We lived very much paycheck to paycheck.

I sold things on Ebay and kept on top of things by doing laundry every night and spending evenings cleaning. I took the odd day off work to get on top of the house. Like you I had promotions and I always wanted to do my masters but didnt have the emotional strength. I can remember feeling defeated some of the time.

My lovely DF used to say as long as we were both fed and not dead it was a good day.

I hope things get easier.

@OfNick, fair enough re dog. Glad he brings you joy.

@Itsnotdeep

I have 3 kids at home (similar ages to yours), work full time.

I do one wash a day - that's it. No more. Can you do that? Why 3 washes in one day? (we all wear clean clothes -each has a day for their washing which they bring down and I do during the day, plus one for me, one for bedding, and then maybe towels another day.). I wash, fold and they have to put away - all of them.

Cooking - no fussiness allowed! One meal. Let your standards drop. Pizza and garlic bread and salad is fine. Burgers, spag bol, baked potatoes. Mine take it in turns to cook - apart from the youngest. We all eat together every day and they help to put away.

Cleaning - TOMM is good. We all clean together on a Saturday morning. It's boring and i have to nag them, but I have a big house and can't do it alone. We do a different floor each every week.

I tidy a bit during the week - using TOMM and otherwise it gets a bit messy. (quite a lot messy).

Like you I work from home. I write a list on a Monday which has all my work jobs on, and that gets added to. I also have a home list which I work through. I find it easier to do the hardest things first as I'm tired by the evening. I go out at lunchtime every day - I walk the dogs then.

Cooking, we eat at 7, start cooking at 6. Like you I'm tired by the end of the day, and this is my biggest struggle.

And that's it really! My eldest child (now 22 and living away) also has ASD. My 16yo dd is exceptionally challenging and quite horrible most of the time.

I often go to bed by 9.30.

I find alcohol makes me feel worse. Am perimenopausal and HRT has given me heaps of energy and improved my sleep no end. (maybe worth a try?).

It's hard isn't it? You try and be everything and do everything. I think maybe I'm just a bit out of my depth with the adapting to this new lifestyle. Honestly, they go through clothes so quickly. Three loads of towels a week. I'm forever picking them up and constantly reminding the kids but they never do it. I feel like I'm always talking and directing them. Food wise, we do have pizzas, hot dogs etc but I'm about four stone overweight and middle child is constantly taking food from the cupboards and is now also overweight. Even if it's healthy stuff he'll eat an excess of it. If I try reminding him he's awful to me. He reminds me of his dad, it's constantly bully behaviour, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He is scathing about everything I do. I'm scared to even talk to him because of the backlash, his language is awful and persistently tells me I'm a fucking idiot, disagrees with everything I say and is always up for an argument. He was the child I gave most of my time to, bf for over two years, co slept for nearly four... I think he hates me.

@user1471538283

It is so hard! I worked full time, studied part time but I was only raising one child on my own. We lived very much paycheck to paycheck.

I sold things on Ebay and kept on top of things by doing laundry every night and spending evenings cleaning. I took the odd day off work to get on top of the house. Like you I had promotions and I always wanted to do my masters but didnt have the emotional strength. I can remember feeling defeated some of the time.

My lovely DF used to say as long as we were both fed and not dead it was a good day.

I hope things get easier.

Thank you, I hope it gets better too. Good idea about as long as everyone is fed etc. It's a really great thing to keep in my head.

Ahh op I feel for you so much, reading that, your children sound like a proper handful and so ungrateful! Hopefully one day they will wake up and realise everything you have done for them. It's just relentless by the sounds of it.

Can you ask for help with your son? Early help, or CAMHS?
I have a similar thing with my DD, no where near as bad, but she can be pretty horrible. DS is waiting on assessment, DD is going to have to have private assessment as we aren't getting anywhere with the NHS. Both showing signs of add/ADHD/ASD or maybe just anxiety..🤷
But I'm so lucky to have help from family, plus their dad, whilst fairly wet and a bit useless as a parent, does at least stump up the cash and has them a couple of times a week. We get on fine, and although I'm so much happier without him I've questioned my choice so many times when I've got 20 quid left till payday a week away and the kids are driving me mad. I'm a teacher and need to take an extra day next year for the pay and to take on the mortgage, I'm only just keeping my head above water on 4 days and with the holidays, I can't imagine how hard it is working full time, hats off to you though, you sound so driven!
I think you're doing all you can, food wise I'd say use an instant pot or slow cooker to make things like stews, i make a super cheap sausage soup, just root veg and bratwurst chopped up in tinned tomatoes and seasoning, plus some stock, it's a meal in a bowl, good with bread...my youngest won't touch it, but I just say, you've got this, or fruit and toast, that's it.
I use teamtomm too, although I need to get back in the habit.
We always have freezer meals once a week, just chicken nuggets etc chucked in the oven, I'll make myself an omelette.

Hang in there, ask for help, I can't imagine any of your friends would listen to what you've said above and leave you to struggle. You're doing an amazing job!

The DLA and PIP is there to buy whatever you need in relation to your disability and your child's disability, and you'll be getting a considerable amount of money from the actual disability benefits and the extra premiums related to the tax credits. That extra is for all the extra costs so can you not use it for extras like getting a cleaner, ready meals or meal kits if needed to make life easier?

Work full time. One challenging DD and no support from ex DP. I do have good friends but tbh I don't expect them to help as they have their own families to contend with. I do have a helpful DM though.

My main tip is to lower your standards. I make sure bathroom clean once a week which is basically using bacterial wipes and swishing a mop over floor. The hoover is always out and I tend to do spots in the morning before school run. Empty/load dishwasher while waiting for coffee in the morning. Unless clothes have stains or smell they get worn again. Do a couple of loads a week and try and dry most of it in the garden.
Dog gets main walk on school run.
Lots of quick easy meals as DD has hot dinner at school. Most things are pasta based. DD real fussy eater so I let her stick to her fairly basic menu but will always serve veg and fruit every evening to assague my guilt.

Biggest tip though is that I go to bed at around 8pm with DD! I appreciate you have older children. You don't say anything about older kids dad but could they be struggling because of this? Would your son benefit for some counseling. DD has low self esteem and I have accessed lots of free resources which has helped plus she gets support at school.

It's really hard. I appreciate your kids have SEN but try and find ways that they can help eg I can get DD to do a couple of specific tasks and we stick with those. Anything is better than nothing (plus stops you getting bitter).

Good luck.

It sounds v similar to me OP. I have one child who overeats too. another who just reminds me of their (abusive) father in the way they sometimes talk to me.

Anyway, I think standards can drop! I don't wash towels very often. (They're not dirty but not washed every use either). I grab them once a week from the bathrooms, otherwise the kids bring them down with their washing.

There are more carbs in the diets than I would like for myself.

I do get up early and exercise which makes a lot of difference to me - I love the time in the morning before any of them are up. I drink coffee and do some exercise and it's really nice. I also make time for a dog walk at lunchtime - getting out of the house makes a difference too.

Hi OP

Also single parent, two DS, one with ADHD/anxiety who is very challenging and can be aggressive to me - I know how hard that is. Also no family so just me and work full time.

It’s a bit depressing but the best thing I’ve done is to go to bed by 9 at least 3 nights a week. Even if the house is in a state. I do feel slightly more human as a result … Have also cut down on washing ( all still clean) and I’m trying to force myself to meal plan ( eldest doesn’t like any ‘wet’ foods) and do a weekly online shop. It makes the evenings a bit quicker and less stressful ( although have to force myself to do the meal plan).

Hope things start to feel a bit easier for you soon and lots of luck

I really feel for your OP - I totally get it.

Just thought of a few more easy meals that could work - frozen falafel that I heat up and then we all make our own falafel wraps with tortilla wraps, houmous, beetroot, salad veg. You can use anything this way - grate a little carrot etc.

We also used to enjoy a very quick meal of eggs, baked beans, toast and fried tomatoes (I don't make this any more as we have boiled eggs for breakfast already - but this was a super easy favourite).

A tinned vegetarian bean chilli bulked out with green veg is also nice - adding something like steamed brocoli, cauliflower or kale makes it a lot nicer.