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Original poster

How to stop my neighbours intruding my privacy?

61 replies

Earthling1 · 12/10/2021 20:02

My neighbours are lovely people.

They have 3 grown up children.

My neighbours are in their fifties.

They are lovely and sometimes bring us food over.

They are annoying at the same time though. For instance sometimes they call and WhatsApp us. If we don't pick up the phone they will climb over our garden wall ( it's low on the side we share with them) and appear in front of the living room door and knock on the glass. Usually because they want to see our 14 month old son.

I find this incredibly annoying. This happens at all times of the day, even late around 8 pm when we're relaxing, watching Netflix and settling down.

I work full time as well so need the time in the evening to wind down.

Sometimes the living room doesn't look presentable. Sometimes I don't look presentable or I am dressed in a way, which I don't want my neighbours to see.

We never turn up at their house without being explicitly invited.

For instance, the other Saturday morning they came through the garden to my living room door again. They had flowers with them to congratulate me as I'm pregnant again. Obviously lovely, but I was in my morning robe and only was wearing bra and underpants underneath. I felt quite embarrassed.

What should I do? I feel horrible because they are such lovely people and yet I'm pissed off at them. xx

OP posts:
Roussette · 13/10/2021 07:10

So unless you are told you would think it's ok to climb into a ndn's garden and look through their back door or window?? Shock

Roussette · 13/10/2021 07:11

I'm older and wouldn't DREAM of doing that

Bluetrews25 · 13/10/2021 07:21

So it's time for my favoured nuclear level response.
Next time they suddently appear at the window, when you catch sight of them, act as if you were really shocked and surprised and scream your head off. Should only need to do it once or twice. Pregnancy made you more jumpy, didn't it?

NautaOcts · 13/10/2021 07:25

I’d move house!

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 13/10/2021 07:25

Next time it happens take a deep and say. I would prefer it if you didn't come in the back garden, please would you use the front door in future.

MadameMonk · 13/10/2021 07:28

I agree that in these situations a combination approach works best.

Firstly announce clearly that your GP has prescribed far more uninterrupted rest and less physical activity (other than in the ‘Plan’- in case you like running, cycling, etc). Do that ‘telling you now so you don’t find me rude when I stop getting up for the door’ thing. From that point, any knock or windows peeping-in, you just do the palms up gesture (and go back to your activity). ‘Wish I could but I cant’. Maybe add the ‘call me’ gesture if they can see you.

Together with this, start enforcing your boundary (that you’ve now set). Fake a bit of shock reaction when they knock. Look scared and stressed. Look confused and say ‘Sorry, this is just what the doctor DIDNT order. Can you just please text and we’ll find a good time to see you?’

Mostly you need to get them out of the bad habits. Whatever it takes. So that your friendly future with them is protected. Remember that this is your goal. Feel free to say it out loud. Every request you make ‘Please don’t…’ preface with ‘You guys are important to us so we want to get this right.’ No one gets offended, but the message is clear.

The older I get, the more I think Good Boundaries are a matter of saying a couple of simple things early (and repeatedly), then making confused/surprised expressions when they aren’t respected. People will test you in life, just have one or two key phrases and expressions ready to reinforce your original message. Habits die very very hard.

Sometimes I think habit is the most powerful force in the universe. Grin

EileenGC · 13/10/2021 07:31

Why didn’t you tell them to stop the first time they did it? Stop it ASAP. It’s invasion of privacy.

As for those suggesting to move house. Really, you’d sell your home and go through the palaver of finding a new one, instead of speaking to your neighbours for 5 minutes?

Moonface123 · 13/10/2021 07:53

You will probably find they used to do this with previous neighbours, which doesn't make it right, but l had to nip this kind of behaviour in bud very early on with my neighbours. They said where they used to live they would just walk into each other's houses. (We are as different as cheese and chalk).
I told them l was very private and was happy in my own company.
I think they think I'm miserable but l don't care. I hate people invading my own space and privacy. I love my hermit lifestyle. Don't get me wrong we do chat in our front gardens etc, or outside, and help one another where possible, but they can't seem to stand just being the two them, always have to have lots of people around, whereas l find that incredibly tiring.

Pinklioness · 13/10/2021 07:56

What's their age got to do with anything? Does being in their fifties make it weirder, less weird, what?

Anyway, I agree that it's essential to be more assertive OP. They are being completely unreasonable. But you can make this clear without being unkind. Just say, it makes you feel uncomfortable/nervous/scared when they pop up unexpectedly. If you're free you'll WhatsApp them back but you can't allow them to just turn up if you don't reply. Please can they stop doing this immediately.

If they do it again, just be a bit firmer. Until they finally get the message.

Warmduscher · 13/10/2021 08:02

Don’t give them any made-up excuses about being unwell, GP suggested you rest more, etc.

Just be honest and tell them you don’t want them coming over your wall into your garden again, and you will text them when you’re free for them to visit.

If you don’t nip this behaviour in the bud right now, they will be insufferable once the new baby arrives.

TheUnbearable · 13/10/2021 08:02

I’m assuming they have retired early and are bored or work very few hours. I have new next door neighbours, I made a point of catching them to introduce myself, since then we have had one hello, it’s been three weeks.

Stuff like that needs a nip in the bud, the very first time was the time to make it the easiest to tackle. Just say please do not climb over my garden wall and tell them you need rest and no visitors in the evening.

Warmduscher · 13/10/2021 08:15

tell them you need rest and no visitors in the evening.

But then they’ll assume that when the baby has arrived and you’re no longer pregnant, they can start coming again! Just tell them not to do it at all, ever. It’s rude and intrusive.

LizzieSiddal · 13/10/2021 08:20

Your baby is 14 months and will soon start climbing that low wall so you need to put up a fence ASAP!

That solves the wall issue but you also need to actually tell them it isn’t convenient sometimes for you to get to the door/phone, so if you don’t answer it you are busy.

Loudestcat14 · 13/10/2021 08:21

Just tell them that you no longer want them coming round the back through the garden for security reasons and if they need something please can they knock on the front door in future. Then invest in a Ring doorbell and screen when they come round so you can decide whether to answer or not.

If they don't respect that, put a ruddy great fence up!

statetrooperstacey · 13/10/2021 08:49

“Christ on a fucking bike neighbour Dave! Stop climbing over the fucking wall! You nearly caught me fake tanning my arse”
Be loud, be outraged, but laugh, then tell him/her to use the front door next time.
A new baby will be an accepted reason if you tell them you don’t want to be seen practicing you birthing yoga poses or breastfeeding the new baby and you will be needing more privacy in future. Tell them you don’t want them appearing at the window as there is a chance you will be sitting there half naked. I’m sure you can do this and remain friends, they just need training.
They’re like the new dog that you let in the sofa then wish you had t and have to train them out of it😁

girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 08:53

@WildfirePonie

Get a 6ft fence up asap! That sounds truly unbearable.
In their front garden?
girlmom21 · 13/10/2021 08:56

I think people are getting confused by the wall. They are coming into OP's front garden.

OP just tell them you're not comfortable with them looking in your front window as you'd like some privacy and if they message you'll let them know when you're free when you get chance.

Don't answer the door in your robe if you don't want people to see you in your robe.

MrsRobbieHart · 13/10/2021 08:59

Lose the robe and underwear. They’ll soon stop turning up Grin

Brollywasntneededafterall · 13/10/2021 09:00

Get a ddog. A great excuse to shove a huge fence all around your garden.
Or say you fear for intruders and it's for safety...
Prefer huge ddog idea personally!!
Worked for us when our garden was way too popular with the entire street..
Got a Rottweiler and suddenly they stayed away!!

DaisyNGO · 13/10/2021 09:21

@FictionalCharacter

They’re not lovely, they’re horribly intrusive and don’t respect you. If you don’t want them to get even worse when you have a new baby for their entertainment, assert yourself right now and guard your privacy, and your children’s. What they’re doing is very abnormal and rather sad. They need to find something else to do.
Agree with this. Insane behaviour. I'd have lost it with them ages ago.
AllyBama · 13/10/2021 09:39

@Roussette

My god, some of the replies in here are batshit Buy plants, buy curtains and keep them drawn, sit in your bedroom and don't go downstairs. Why do people think it's ok to change your lifestyle and/or spend your own money to stop this? The very first time it happened I would've been saying... What in EARTH are you doing in my back garden looking through my window at me? Don ever do that again
My thoughts exactly. I wouldn’t be spending a thing! Just tell them how inappropriate they’re being and to please never do it again. It really doesn’t have to be a big deal.
lescompagnonsdeloue · 13/10/2021 09:48

@girlmom21

I think people are getting confused by the wall. They are coming into OP's front garden.

OP just tell them you're not comfortable with them looking in your front window as you'd like some privacy and if they message you'll let them know when you're free when you get chance.

Don't answer the door in your robe if you don't want people to see you in your robe.

I don't read it as front garden. In front of their lounge window doesn't mean it's their front garden.
ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 13/10/2021 10:02

Could you take control of it and arrange the terms of meeting. As they’re lovely, I’m guessing you’d like to stay on good terms.

I’m thinking something like suggesting they come round for coffee at 11 on Sunday (random time) with the implication in the text that you won’t see them before then: ‘look forward to catching up on your news then’ etc.

Original poster
Earthling1 · 13/10/2021 10:13

Some really good advice on here, thank you.

The husband is retired and the wife works part time.

I think they are indeed bored, but I also think it's more than that.

They have problems in their family, issues with their children and they fight a lot as a couple.

The husband is depressed as well and is on medication.

So I think seeing my son gives them some sort of joy. Which I don't mind at all, it's just the invasion of privacy that bothers me.

OP posts:
EvenRosesHaveThorns · 13/10/2021 10:24

Stop them from getting in through your garden. Even a bit of trellis will do it or whack up a great big fence ;)