Any help with extreme "imposter syndrome"?

[Imposterish]

hi all
Have name-changed for this.....
I am basically fairly crippled by what I think is called Imposter Syndrome and I wonder whether anyone can advise as it is beginning to significantly get in the way of my career/work.
Context: I am currently having some excellent therapy which is looking indepth at this and drawing out connections with a fairly traumatic childhood, where I was always the super-star golden achiever throughout school/high school (and this continued into university etc) – in the context of a very frightening home situation where I constantly felt freeze-flight-fight and very powerless. This went on from what I can remember to be 3 to 19 and in therapy I have discovered that my mind and body have kept the score (borrowing from Bessel van der Kolk here who writes about trauma!) – and that is surfacing in what I describe below….
Anyway. I have recently been promoted to the highest rank in my field. This has occurred ridiculously early in my career, and despite having small DC in recent years. The earlyness of this promotion is often jokingly mentioned by many – admiringly I think. I also have a specific role in my very huge institution that spans multiple departments – a role in which I am expected to significantly excel.
My feelings of inadequacy are frightening at this point. I feel so “frozen” by big projects and tasks, that every email I send – usually to very senior colleagues (also at my rank, but some 20 years ahead of me and numerous more accolades) – leaves me terrified. I am developing a paralysed/frozen state of being, where my actual, creative, energetic, intellectual work is stalled – because of the feeling that I am not good enough, and more crucially – that others know this and pity me. Its best described as sense of powerlessness/helplessness/feeling as though I am “tiny” and insignificant and very small.
I am unable to introduce myself using my title (that comes with my latest promotion) as I have developed a conviction that I was only promoted to this rank, so quickly when numerous other fabulous people have had 2 + rejections/attempts – because – the institution needed to show that its senior ranks have 1) women and 2) women of colour. I have convinced myself that everyone knows this, and everyone knows that in reality I am small/powerless and will find my attempts at new, large project intitiating embarrassing really. I am genuinely convinced that I got promoted because I am a woman of colour, and the specific rank I am at is very overwhelmingly white, male.
The practical problems here are that any slightest minor stressor at work (say – pathways for future development at an appraisal where I have been graded outstanding) – is causing a paralysing sensation of “smallness”. But more importantly – I am finding myself entirely unable to do my specific intra-orgnisational role involving leading/initiating things, so intense is the feeling of “who am I? I am laughably small. Everyone knows this. This will fail.”.
Any thoughts from anyone who has overcome this? The smallness-of-me is so convincing that is making every email I send/every thing I initiate generate an intense need to become invisible, hide and just freeze.

Hopeful bump as it seems to be disappearing in 'chat' (!)

Hi OP, sorry, nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say that I've got something similar going on - so if it helps, you're not alone! Will watch this one with interest, if that's OK.

Aw thank you really appreciated. Good wishes for you on what you've got going on...

Oh my love I just want to hug you There is so much in your post that I could objectively say this isn't true, this isn't true etc but it is what YOU feel about it and what you believe is and isn't true that matters.

Are there objective measures of success in your line of work - KPIs, billable hours, etc? Can you set this up with your line manager in a proactive way, but that also gives you an objective thing to point to when you have convinced yourself otherwise?

"I think I was only hired because I'm a woman of colour but in my last annual review they told me I had hit every target so I am performing up to standard"

"I feel small and pathetic but I hit my budget target this month so that can't be a failure"

etc

As you are already having therapy (which was my number 1 suggestion) the only other thing I can suggest is a mentor in your field that you trust when he/she tells you that you DO deserve to be where you are. Do you have a mentor? Doesn't need to be within the organisation.

I am genuinely convinced that I got promoted because I am a woman of colour, and the specific rank I am at is very overwhelmingly white, male

This in particularly makes me sad, as I have always worried that D&I initiatives will have this negative side-effect of making excellent candidates doubt their worth.

I'm no expert in overcoming it, but...

What if it were true that you were only promoted because you're a woman and not white? If that were so, it is important for the organisation that you stay there or higher, that you are seen to be happy and thriving and competent. Otherwise it will backfire on them. So what help do you need from them? What do you need permission to do to support yourself, or think you need permission to do? At the seniority level you're at it can feel as though you're jumping without a parachute sometimes because you make the structure, you set the plan.

Imagine a year from now you're coming back to update us on how great you feel about work. What has happened in the interim? What have you done differently or not done? How have you spent your time, who have you engaged to help you?

I'm willing to bet that you are worthy of your position, so what needs to be true in order that you feel it too?

That is such a kind message - thank you. I am a bit befuddled about it all. Throughout my most turbulent and awful childhood and teenage if there was one thing that always was a constant, and shone bright - it was my performance at school/leadership roles/academics. Therapist's suggestion is that it shoudnt be surprising if I threw myself into that to just have some sense of control/normalcy whilst home was hellish....so all the early accolades just never built self-esteem up, as I was on constant high alert, and survival mode - so could never just relax an think "ah I am good at this. This is nice isn't it".

So no bank of self-esteem is currently available which often happens with traumatic childhoods. And now - i cannot discern anymore what is real and what is unreal about my very low opinion of myself.

@Palavah

I'm no expert in overcoming it, but...

What if it were true that you were only promoted because you're a woman and not white? If that were so, it is important for the organisation that you stay there or higher, that you are seen to be happy and thriving and competent. Otherwise it will backfire on them. So what help do you need from them? What do you need permission to do to support yourself, or think you need permission to do? At the seniority level you're at it can feel as though you're jumping without a parachute sometimes because you make the structure, you set the plan.

Imagine a year from now you're coming back to update us on how great you feel about work. What has happened in the interim? What have you done differently or not done? How have you spent your time, who have you engaged to help you?

I'm willing to bet that you are worthy of your position, so what needs to be true in order that you feel it too?

Really useful questions. I think, if I am feeling good about myself in a year's time - there are X and Y specific things I would like to have achieved. Or at least that is what the feelings have attached themselves to now - and the goalposts can change in a year if the core issues arent addressed.

So indeed right now - as in right now - as I write - I am trying to make progress towards X and Y, but each tiny step i take in that (every email, every plan) is riddled with so much crippling fear/inadequacy that it is backfiring on itself like a self fulfilling prophecy. I am trying to plod through/ignore the feelings to an extent - and send that email - make that plan public - but each step is a weighty, exhausting battle with the second guessing, freezing, petrified state - and is takkng away creative brain-energy from actually doing good work towards X and Y...

Been there, still am there to some extent. You have my sympathy. Hopefully the therapy will help. Some of the things that helped me at least get going each day.

Recognising that the way I feel had nothing to do with anything. Ignore, ignore, ignore the feelings and just turn to the job at hand. Type that email. Type the names, the first word, keep going. At some point, quite quickly, I would become absorbed in the actual thing.

Line up your successes. When the negative thoughts creep in, remember them. Then do no.1

You will work more slowly than you would un-frozen. Accept this and don’t bash yourself up. You’ll be tired. Rest. One day, it will get better. Until it does, you have to just beat your way through the discomfort.

If necessary pretend to be someone else. It helps if you are the sort of person who disappears a bit too much into the book you happen to be reading. The weirdest thing that helped me was a three volume biography of Margaret Thatcher. My hair got bigger, my voice got deeper and I suddenly got really bossy. The effect was temporary but powerful while it lasted.

And what my mum told me (it’s a bit old school, this and may not work for the lighter skinned): “Remember, they can’t see you blush. Don’t let them dare see you cry.” I still find this useful when I have to address a room full of older white men and my inner child wants to start screaming.

I can relate to you so much.
Following with interest.

Recently started a new role, I do something quite niche and technical and I'm just feeling a bit out of my depth but everyone at the company including my team keep telling me how excited they are to have me and can't wait to see what I do. I'm terrified I won't live up to everyone's expectations. I'm also a women of colour in a mainly male company.

Sorry, cross posted - you are already doing the ignoring and working through. In which case I would say that keep doing it and yes you won’t feel better for a long time but you just have to battle through.

What's the culture of the organisation like and do you experience many 'micro-incivilities / agressions'?

I read an interesting take last week on labelling women who doubt themselves as suffering with Imposter Syndrome when actually the culture could be at fault not you.

I still think I suffer from it but when looking back at my last organisation I think a lot of it was the fault of the culture which was very much a boys club, making me insecure.

If you believe it is Imposter Syndrome, I'll be waiting for replies too as I am battling it.

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but wanted to say I empathise so much with what you are saying.

It sounds as though you are doing the right thing. It will get easier with practice - you are learning new brain patterns.

Have you done any CBT?

Are you doing enough regular self-care?

Oh wow thank you all so much. On the one hand I am so sorry that so many of those posting feel this way - on the other hand - misery loves company :)

It is factually, objectively accurate that people my rank who are 15 to 25 years into said title/rank, have incomparably more accolades and experience than me - who is 5 weeks into the rank and - more importantly somehow got it ridiculously early in her career.

To the PP who said accept that "frozen" me works slower than "unfrozen" me - thank you. At the minute I am literally wondering what the point is - and if i should step down from my visible role and run away from this and hide till i feel better. Because whats the point of frozen-me plodding along? But perhaps there is some point. And if i can accept that the plodding is going to be exhuasting for a while and there isnt a quick fire solution maybe that is easier....

I know how you feel and I have been there in my own way.

As you are aware it's all to do with self-esteem and not feeling enough and of course is something you can work through in time with your therapist. But, as this is so specific to your work right now, I would look at hypnotherapy, particularly Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) as it can really help you sort out this particular issue and your behaviours surrounding it, plus it may only need one or two sessions and regular listening to a recording.
Disclaimer: I am a RTT therapist but came to it precisely because it had such a profound and powerful effect on me. I am not suggesting you replace your talking therapy, I personally find there is room for both.
The other thing you could start right now is positive self-talk. "I am enough", "they chose me for this role because I'm the best person for it," "I've got this" "I can do this". Find quiet times, when you wake up/go to sleep. Visualise sending emails, talking to your peers and colleagues with ease and confidence, any of the tasks you currently struggle with, rewrite in your head with great outcomes. Write "I am enough" on your mirror.

I know this sounds quite simplistic but it really is about taking mindful action every day, little and often, to help change that inner dialogue and thought process. It may seem unnatural at first but keep practicing.
And you know, you sound bloody amazing. You really have got this! Congrats on your promotion.

One thing I realised too all those years ago was that while I was wondering whether I was a pity hire, colour and sex wise, I did meet people who thought the reverse - they assumed that I must be four times as clever or hardworking to elbow past all the others. If you recognise people feeling like that use it. Grab their belief and pretend to be the person they think you are.

I never had therapy and I never really spoke to anyone about how I felt so this is just my stuff and it may be useful or not - I hope some of it helps.

Oh and read Becoming by Michelle Obama. She talks about feeling like this. It’s really useful to know you’re not alone.

Thanks everyone. so much. One thing I wonder is whether you all also had this sensation that you genuinely believed these feelings? or found them to be "factual" and "evidence-based"? As opposed to thinking "these are sad feelings but just feelings, so I plough on". To me, and I am in the business of evidence-based thinking and writing - my convictions appear fairly true/fact-like and evidence based. So, naturally the feelings appear very convincingly believable.

Oh, I feel your pain; I suffer from crippling Imposter Syndrome too, it can be so incredibly debilitating. Becoming aware of my critical inner voice and trying to think 'no that voice isn't true, it's just the imposter syndrome talking' has helped me. Trying to 'separate' myself from it I can then try to rationally and objectively look at how likely/truthful each derogative thing that pops into my head is. Another fear of mine is making mistakes at work, I found it helped to make myself 'Idiot Proof' tick lists for common tasks, even for very easy tasks I've done hundreds of times- I tucked them away as virtual stickies on my desk top and used them religiously. It allowed me some respite from the constant freezing/beating myself up/blind panic that would handle something wrong.

Also I find the passing of time helps, just by keep turning up everyday and doing the job and not getting fired (a fear that pops in my head regularly) I have objective proof that I can't be doing that terrible a job. Try to maintain good self care and maybe try some mindfulness- I think the 'Calm' app is great. Also, there's lots of great podcasts out there with people talking about their imposter syndrome- it can help enormously to hear people going through the same struggles. When I had a promotion I tried to rethink of my panic and imposter syndrome as 'growing pains'- I was doing work outside my comfort zone but these growing pains would allow me to ultimately get closer to achieving my goals. I know you fear that you might have been promoted as a 'token gesture' but in these unsettled times no organisation would make their life unnecessarily harder by hiring someone they feared might not be up to the job- if they were just worried about appearances imagine the fallout if they had promoted you as a 'token gesture' and then had to get rid of you because you weren't up to it. They'd never take that risk if you weren't fundamentally up to the job. They see you at work all the time- and they clearly see something in you which they think means you are capable of the role you have been given. Its great you're in counselling for this- I too had a tumultuous childhood and tried to 'overachieve' my way out of it as a way of gaining some control of my situation. I think Imposter Syndrome is a very common emotional response to this situation, so you're definitely not alone.

Oh yeah to genuinely believing these feelings. I have facts and evidence to prove I’m the stupidest person I know and my brain kindly lists them for me at 3 in the morning at least once a week

@Imposterish

Thanks everyone. so much. One thing I wonder is whether you all also had this sensation that you genuinely believed these feelings? or found them to be "factual" and "evidence-based"? As opposed to thinking "these are sad feelings but just feelings, so I plough on". To me, and I am in the business of evidence-based thinking and writing - my convictions appear fairly true/fact-like and evidence based. So, naturally the feelings appear very convincingly believable.

A lot of your posts resonate with me but this post in particular stood out (probably because I had almost an identical conversation with my therapist earlier today). I am also evidence-based and when he challenges some of those core beliefs, I feel like I always have the evidence to back them up. I can, for example, point to specific exams which I have failed in the past. His point was though that we tend to magnify those examples and ignore all the stuff that contradicts our views - it's our cognitive bias coming out rather than actually being evidence if that makes sense?

Again thank you SO much all.

Re: evidence-based thinking, my therapist also tells me that it is not the fact that evidence for my belief may exist - it is that I choose to cherry pick a very selective set of evidences from a conveyor belt of various evidences, and all positive evidence of how good I am is left out - and the negative bits picked out by me to say "oh look - ALL that evidence that I am shit!"......

Can I join in?

This summer after a long time out of the workforce with my kids, I've managed to land a job back in my old career. The job I have isn't as high flying as yours OP, but I seriously thought this career path was completely closed to me. I put the application in thinking it was a good choice to rule out a return once and for all because I thought I wouldn't even get an interview let alone the job, even though I was a good fit based on my experience - and then not only did they offer me the job, they basically made it very clear during the interview that they wanted to hire me and they came back extremely quickly after the interviews were over to formally offer me the job.
(I also applied for a very similar job at another company nearby, and did get turned down without an interview, so let's just take that as a reminder not to stake too much of one's self belief on job offer success! "If you can meet with triumph and disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same...")

I'm now only a few weeks from starting and, as I knew it would, the impostor syndrome is starting to bite hard. I was like this back in the day when I first started out, and in all but one of the places I've worked in tbh. I had a shitty childhood with a crazy mother, and I come from a working class background, so working among all these sort of self assured, quite posh scientists has always been a bit of a culture shock to me. It's also quite thoroughly male dominated, which I don't actually mind that much, but male scientists don't exactly open up about their feelings very much so I kind of have to expect that I will have these feelings again and I will be on my own.

I would love to have a general support thread for this sort of thing, if anyone was interested?

Regarding evidence for your performance... it's amazing how non-objective you can be. When I was doing my PhD I had one bit of work I'd been trying to get working for most of the three years, and when I finally hit on a solution, I got my results back, and I didn't believe them. I was looking for evidence of one of the various ways it could have gone wrong, and when I didn't see that, I put the results to one side to try and figure out later, and it was some days before I thought "if it had worked, what that look like?" and realised that actually it had worked! And not only that, when I looked back over previous experiments, I'd actually hit on successful conditions before that, I'd just not recognised success because I wasn't expecting it. So I would not be at all surprised if, especially given your early experiences, you find it hard to give your successes appropriate weighting in your attention.

Welcome! I think we might both be in academia - but possibly in differentish areas/type of roles. But irrespective of that - yes - exchanging thoughts anonymously like on here is SO useful. I might pop back in if i remember to name change correctly - its very exhausting having these head monsters freeze us - today I think my actual skin is feeling tender/fragile because someone in finance snapped at me when I invited him to a meeting for what I actually thought would be his wise advice ...

Hi this could have been me. I grew up in a very violent abusive house and the only way to try to avoid abuse was to not fail - because my father noticed failure and punished it. Plus my mother ingrained into us that the only way to escape that life was to get to university (not a usual path in my family). So I did, and I succeeded to get my degree and PhD and then I've had a successful career.

If I think about it then now I finally feel relatively free (at the grand old age of 53) of imposter syndrome at work. I know I'm valuable to them and I've carved out a work life where I have a lot of freedom and can do projects I like.

Home is another matter 😂I have two teenagers and I have to work constantly at not panicking if they aren't top of everything. And I've had to learn that as they are perfectly average teenagers - don't win prizes but are happy. Having grown up in a world where success kept me safe I have to remind myself that the children are not part of me and they