Any help with extreme "imposter syndrome"?

[Imposterish]

hi all
Have name-changed for this.....
I am basically fairly crippled by what I think is called Imposter Syndrome and I wonder whether anyone can advise as it is beginning to significantly get in the way of my career/work.
Context: I am currently having some excellent therapy which is looking indepth at this and drawing out connections with a fairly traumatic childhood, where I was always the super-star golden achiever throughout school/high school (and this continued into university etc) – in the context of a very frightening home situation where I constantly felt freeze-flight-fight and very powerless. This went on from what I can remember to be 3 to 19 and in therapy I have discovered that my mind and body have kept the score (borrowing from Bessel van der Kolk here who writes about trauma!) – and that is surfacing in what I describe below….
Anyway. I have recently been promoted to the highest rank in my field. This has occurred ridiculously early in my career, and despite having small DC in recent years. The earlyness of this promotion is often jokingly mentioned by many – admiringly I think. I also have a specific role in my very huge institution that spans multiple departments – a role in which I am expected to significantly excel.
My feelings of inadequacy are frightening at this point. I feel so “frozen” by big projects and tasks, that every email I send – usually to very senior colleagues (also at my rank, but some 20 years ahead of me and numerous more accolades) – leaves me terrified. I am developing a paralysed/frozen state of being, where my actual, creative, energetic, intellectual work is stalled – because of the feeling that I am not good enough, and more crucially – that others know this and pity me. Its best described as sense of powerlessness/helplessness/feeling as though I am “tiny” and insignificant and very small.
I am unable to introduce myself using my title (that comes with my latest promotion) as I have developed a conviction that I was only promoted to this rank, so quickly when numerous other fabulous people have had 2 + rejections/attempts – because – the institution needed to show that its senior ranks have 1) women and 2) women of colour. I have convinced myself that everyone knows this, and everyone knows that in reality I am small/powerless and will find my attempts at new, large project intitiating embarrassing really. I am genuinely convinced that I got promoted because I am a woman of colour, and the specific rank I am at is very overwhelmingly white, male.
The practical problems here are that any slightest minor stressor at work (say – pathways for future development at an appraisal where I have been graded outstanding) – is causing a paralysing sensation of “smallness”. But more importantly – I am finding myself entirely unable to do my specific intra-orgnisational role involving leading/initiating things, so intense is the feeling of “who am I? I am laughably small. Everyone knows this. This will fail.”.
Any thoughts from anyone who has overcome this? The smallness-of-me is so convincing that is making every email I send/every thing I initiate generate an intense need to become invisible, hide and just freeze.

Pressed send! They are not part of me and they have their own life.

No one ever thinks I'm nervous because I masked it so well. And I sought out allies - other senior women who I got advice from. I pass this on as a mentor for younger women.

Good luck. Sometimes I feel fed up because I'm aware that I've done an amazing job with the life I had but I can't really tell people about it or they feel sorry for me (which I hate!)

One very practical thing I did when I was scared of meetings was to go into the loo just before the meeting look in the mirror and raise my arms and shout 'Rock star' (obviously check no one else is there) Or changed how I stood, how I walked, and gave me an air of confidence I think others call it the 'Superman' move?

Gosh that’s brought tears to my eyes. I am the daughter of Professor parents who warred and warred in so volatile a manner in a country where parental warring is so so taboo that not only had i this massive secret of their split to keep from everyone but also live petrified and the only way to make it was to focus on success. Naturally none of the success actually seeped in. I distinctly recall the day I took charge as Head Girl -I was petrified at volatile and out of control mum more than any joy at head girlship. Rinse and repeat for all successes.

I too worry about my own kids. They are 5 years and the baby is 19 months but I do hope I don’t pass on my things to them especially as the older one has a genuine love of knowledge and works super hard at everything.

But right now I really need to resolve how I’m feeling at work. It’s bizarre how all my struggles have come to fixate on mu work identity and work persona and my esteem and confidence has reached such shreds exactly as I have been promoted to the highest rank in my field.

I had this also. An excellent academic record, three degrees, and an accomplished senior position. I was always petrified of sending that important email or writing and sending out decisions that have an impact on people.

It did not help that for about ten years I had a highly critical and judgmental boss who would find fault if she could. I think she had a bad case of imposter syndrome too and it made her a bully.

How sad really that women do that to each other.

I think just being a woman of my age (60s) and having achieved things that were pretty much male dominated has an impact. So did my very smart but very critical and demanding father and a rather passive mother, who, bless her, did not have the opportunities I had.

I think what tended to help me is finding what I liked doing, which was training and mentoring and working at being good at that while feeling confident.

I wish I had sought counseling too!

Best of luck OP.

Hi OP, I hope you can work through this as to all of us you sound thoroughly competent and self aware. When I struggle with imposter syndrome I often find watching 5-10 minutes of male government ministers bluffing and blustering their way through their brief to put things into perspective. You worry because you want to do a good job – not because you aren’t

I had a thought, OP - you have had a massive job on your hands to be successful despite impostor syndrome and childhood trauma. That gives you, at the very least, an ability to sit with discomfort and difficulty and to keep going regardless. Not everyone has that. Lots of people have stayed more or less inside their comfort zone their whole lives. A lot of those people struggle with change. I've seen that quite often in my branch of science. People who are very bright but as soon as you go onto something that isn't their exact area of expertise they struggle. Whereas you will ace those things, because you've always had to deal with things being a bit difficult.