We thought you would be busy/ didn’t want to disturb you nonsense!

[Peanutbutterrules1]

Does anyone else’s parents drive them crazy with this stuff? Mine constantly complain about not talking to or seeing me yet make zero effort! They are retired and have plenty of free time. I work full time and have kids yet unless I dedicate time to regularly organise social activities with them they seem to think I hate them!!!!

I have bluntly told them that I like seeing them and want to do stuff but don’t have time to organise it. They still can’t seem to cope with it. All calling and organising seems to be my job for some unknown reason! If I ask them why they don’t call or suggest activities I get “we don’t want to disturb you or we thought you might be busy “! It’s odd! They seem to be so worried about the possibility of rejection they won’t even initiate contact.

I have got to the point now where I refuse to do it anymore. This means I haven’t seen them in ages.

I suspect they are not as bothered as they make out about meeting up. They just like a moan!

To be fair I don't think 'we thought you'd be busy' or 'we don't want to disturb' is complete nonsense. If someone has full time work and a family you understand that and abide by it so as not to be a nuisance. That's how it works in our family, especially when one party is retired and free more or less any time.

You know your parents better than we do and they may well not be all that bothered and they may well enjoy a moan, but in principle I wouldn't get het up. I'd communicate clearly first and see where that got me e.g. to say we're all free after 10.30 on X day, do you fancy a trip to whatever, a good long walk, pub lunch and if so can you arrange and let me know when and where to turn up.

If your parents are constantly complaining about not talking to you and not seeing you, then you probably have made them worried that you don't have any time for them and they don't want any further rejection by arranging things you can't do anyway. If it's simply that you don't have the time to call them they're right, if it's just that you don't have time or inclination to book things you're happy to do with them, then tell them that. It's become a self fulfilling phrophecy really.

But I have told them I want to do stuff I just don’t have time to organise. I have been blunt and honest about this. They can call/ text and leave messages if I don’t reply immediately. I always call text back. I think they just take offence to doing this. They seem to get annoyed that I have a job and am busy. But this is the stuff of life I can’t help!

Have you said specifically when you want to do stuff and what would suit? if not, try that first. Otherwise it's just who they are I'm afraid and when they moan you have to point out when you've been available and they didn't take you up on it.

Yep, my parents do/ say this regularly

My Mum said, when my children were little, we don't know how to help you as you are so independent

Followed by several years of NOT helping when my children were at primary school

Imo it is them feeing guilty for what they don't do/ say

My parents do this. Although not to this extreme. They seem stuck in the idea that a text or phone call I'm not expecting is an imposition. I think it's a predigital mindset where you couldn't ignore a ringing landline. And obviously they can't text or call me to tell me they're going to text or call me, so. I've told them repeatedly that I won't answer the phone if I'm busy so to just go ahead, they are not imposing because I can deal with their message or call when it suits me. They have got better.

Glad it’s not just mine @bungabungaboo !

Perhaps I could try and give more information. They just seem to be making a simple situation so complicated!

It’s hard to explain. There is just something about the dynamics that have got so odd. It’s like the taking the initiative is somehow beneath them ? I suspect it’s something to do with their old fashioned views on women, parenting and work. They would like me to be a stay at home mum with greater availability I think!?

On the other hand I see my in-laws a lot as they ring DH, they organise stuff and we happily get together!

Same here - my parents literally never call me unless one of them is in hospital. Drives me mad. They don't complain about not seeing us (because my mum's MiL used to do that ALL the time) so it makes me feel like they're just not bothered. But they moved 200 miles to be nearer to us, so they clearly are bothered.
I'm starting to accept the fact that I will always have to make all the effort, but it does get on my tits a bit.

I can sort of empathise - my family never call me, and it feels like rejection. However, you seem to be responding in a very petty way, which means everyone loses - including your children.

Rather than planning activities for them or around them, why can’t you just invite them along to your existing plans? E.g. “we’re going to the zoo Saturday morning. Meet us 9am in the carpark if you’d like to come - we’d love to see you.” Or “we’re having lunch together at home on Sunday. Let us know by Friday if you’d like to join. Lunch is at 1pm and is roast beef.” Or even “we don’t have any firm plans next weekend and I’m too busy to organise anything. If you’d like to do something together, please make a plan and we’ll be there”.

Yeah same here. Total PITA On too a 40 hour work week. We have to invite ourselves to their house (PIL)for lunch as they don't know if we a busy or not. (which usually involves a "we laughed when you said youre coming for lunch")

Same with my DM who I am more likely to go out with but she never invites or suggests -it's mental.

Oh I get this. And it goes on and on until I get a phone call which starts passive aggressive and ends in my mother screaming at me for not paying her enough attention.

It’s very dull.

My sister does this to my parents (and to me to lesser extent). There are only so many times you call to be told someone doesn't have time to talk and only so many times you try to arrange something at weekends to be told they can't fit you in before you stop trying.

My parents are very good at not being the interfering nuisance parents/in laws and when they are continually told DSis is too busy they take that at face value.

At what age do we start refusing to contact our adult kids?

My parents are the same, and the thing is, I have never claimed to be especially busy! I only work 3 days a week, and I only have one DC (who is 6, so fairly independent).

I have no idea what they are convinced I'm so busy with. I don't mind always being the one to call them, but it bugs me slightly that my DM makes a virtue of not "disturbing" me.

As for my DF, it will be a cold day in hell before he calls any of his children to say hi. That just wouldn't happen. And yet they are both wonderful and loving parents!

I understand both sides.

From your parents POV they probably adore your grandchildren (and you obviously). Being told 'you're too busy' to make plans could feel really hurtful. If I said to a friend I'd love to see them and they said yes but they're too busy to makes plans I'd be quite upset by that. They also might feel nervous that you will just respond 'no we have plans' when they suggest something. In a lot of ways as PP has suggested saying 'we have no plans Saturday fancy doing something? Your choice' is probably the best way to go.

On the other hand when you are busy (I know the feeling!) making plans seems like another 'admin' task that you just dont need. It doesn't need to be tickets booked 3 weeks in advance though, short notice lunch at home or a walk to a local NT place or something isn't too much to organise!

I also think you telling them you’re far too busy to organise things to do together just probably sounds to them very like you’re far to busy to do things together.

Could you dedicate, say, every other Saturday afternoon to meeting up and doing stuff with them. Then they’ll know you’re going to be free and maybe they’ll organise an activity?

Does it need to be "an activity"? We saw quite a bit of both sets of GPs when I was young, but it very rarely involved anything other than spending an afternoon at their house (or them at ours).

The same with my parents now. I go round for lunch or a cuppa. Anything else is just for special occasions.

I take on board giving it another go. To be clear I have never said I am too busy to do stuff just that I lack the luxury of time to do lot of organising. I am a woman who has no shame in reducing her mental load! My husband never asks me to organise his life, why do I have to organise my retired parents ability to spend time with us or the kids?

I do ask them to mine for lunch etc and when that happens they come. I also ask them to stuff like kids dance shows and special events. The thing that is driving me crazy is stuff like them saying “we could have done x or we could of gone to y” but it’s too late now as the date has passed. Why don’t they just ask ahead then I will do x or y! What I can’t do is read their minds and organise everything for them.

It doesn’t have to be activities but they do like to do special events and days. For example at Christmas they always express regret about not taking the kids to the panto. The problem is they don’t book the panto or ask if the kids want to go. However the excuse is always “we thought you’d be too busy”.

I think they just don’t like doing admin!!

@TrainforSpeed but I don’t say I am too busy to talk or do things. Just that I am too busy to organise everything. I don’t think that’s unreasonable? I actively tell them I want to see them. They seem to interpret me not always taking the lead (making every call and making every plan) as me hating spending time with them. It all just seems a bit silly!

I think your last two posts put a different spin on it for me and you do need to be upfront and spell it out to them.

From my perspective, with adult DCs I cringe at my own mother who just wouldn't leave us alone and even wanted us calling to check in when we were away for example. It was so intrusive. I weaned her off it and then she started on the DCs directly, calling despite knowing they'd be doing something specific. I really never wanted to be that person. These days I do mostly leave it for DCs to call at their convenience but then when we speak on the phone it's a really good catch up, so it needs to be mutually suitable. One rang this week and it wasn't a good time so I said I'll call back and they said no, leave it to me when I know I'm not going to get called away. I mostly send Whatsapp messages so they can read and respond when it works for them.

You need to get to a similar place OP, unless, as you said, they don't particularly want to do things and they just enjoy having a whinge after the event.

I’m an advocate of scheduling. Random calls and texts, it’s easy to think “oh, it might not be a good time, I’ll do it later” but if you both actually want a relationship with each other and this is getting in the way, why not make it a regular, scheduled event that you have a 30 minute call once a week or always send a message on a Friday lunchtime or whatever? Then nobody is wondering.

Nah it is indeed nonsense. My sister and her family live about an hour away from my mostly retired and pretty carefree parents and fully acknowledge that she is busy with work and a toddler etc so they'll message her with a suggestion of maybe 2/3 dates for that she might like to do something. She says yes/no and they sort it and turn up.

Your parents are either putting on a show and aren't actually arsed, are wilfully not paying attention to what you're saying for some reason or lazy.

Although none of us are phone call people, but we do have a WhatsApp group that is just me, mum and my sister where we just chat nonsense. It might be a photo of the kids or just something we've seen/through of or it might be the perennial "what is the ratio for your crumble topping again" question.

Be fair; how can they possibly "organise" anything in your very busy schedule, except with your input and co- operation.

"Peanut, we'd like to have you all over  to lunch on  Sunday".
 " Nope,  I have to take A to a birthday party and finish writing a report for Monday"
 "Peanut, can we come over and bring a cake? "
 "Sorry we're just going swimming"

My parents are like this too. It started when I very first left home to go to university.

It used to upset me but I do understand it more now.

When my kids are grown up though I will call them on a weekly basis.