Boys in filed alone

[2boys21]

Hi me and the ex spilt up a couple months ago . He has the 2 Boys on a Friday/Saturday night for the weekend 3 times a month. On the 4th week he just seems them for the day on a Sunday.. the boys are 5 and 6. The 6 year old has autism. (Ex does not believe he has it )

Anyway today he took them to his ex wife's house. He has adult children and they go there for a get together kind of thing. Which is fine.

The problem is my 5 year old tells me they went to the filed. I don't know this filed ds5 tells me you walk down the road a bit at the bottom you have cross the road. And then there's a filed. So it seems they can't see the filed from the house. He then tells me T went with them who's 9. When I asked did daddy go with you he says no. So then I said did any grown ups go with you. He says no.

I told him when we first split I was worried that he's never done any actual parenting. He told me he brang up 3 girls he's fine. All he's doing is proving I'm right. Other things have happend as well.

Am I wrong in thinking it's his responsibility to look after them not a 9 year old boy ?

And how do I get it sorted out so I know they are actually being looked after

How was your ex with his 3 girls? What's his relationship with them now?

Has your child been actually diagnosed with autism?

Is there an accommodation in school?

Why does your ex not believe he has autism?
Is this non belief part of a wider pattern of disrespecting your parenting and disregarding your concerns?

How does he deal with the child if he doesn't believe he has autism - how is discipline? Behaviour expectations?

I would assume so wine who doesn't believe his child has autism isn't an easy man to deal with, so you're going to have to use the court if you think he won't listen to your concerns .

Is the current visitation arrangement court ordered or just agreed between yourselves?

If it's just agreed between yourselves and you're happy to continue with it but with strict safety rules and appropriate developmental expectations, you need to go to family court, go to mediation to come up with an agreement that has the best interests of the children at heart, and then be prepared to take him back to court if you find he is letting them do too much unsupervised or with inadequate supervision.

If the current visitation is court ordered, you can go to the court and ask for a reworking of the arrangement if you're really unhappy with his care of them. It's much tougher to do this than to get an agreement in the first place.

Not believing the autism diagnosis, if there is one, is a major problem here.

@TheChip

How was your ex with his 3 girls? What's his relationship with them now?

I'm not even sure how he was. They are in their mid /late 20s now. He went on about what a fantastic father he was etc . But then little buts slip out and it turns out he never done any actual parenting.

I have had concerns for a long time though from little things. Like ds6 made bread at school his dad gos yeah load of rubbish put it in the bin. And he's let them play in the car (he's with them) and one of the ds has his head hanging out of the window with cars going past. Then in the past he's over filled the car so somone ends up without a seat belt or sharing one. Then there was a few weeks back when they went to the beach abd the sea was pretty choppy and he's let them I'm the water/Rocks . Ds 6 ended up almost up to his waste all of a sudden it took several shouts to get his attention .

This part is not ex fault but he has a tumer its not cancer or life threatening. But it has effected him heath wise. Like his balance so he can't run /rush. Or climb on uneven ground he's likely to fall. He's physically more like someone is their 70s maybe. I know this is not his fault. But it does make it harder for him.

I let him see them practically every weekend/when he wants because I was hoping when he realises he has to do the parenting side of things maybe he will. But it seems not .

@mathanxiety

Has your child been actually diagnosed with autism?

Is there an accommodation in school?

Why does your ex not believe he has autism?
Is this non belief part of a wider pattern of disrespecting your parenting and disregarding your concerns?

How does he deal with the child if he doesn't believe he has autism - how is discipline? Behaviour expectations?

I would assume so wine who doesn't believe his child has autism isn't an easy man to deal with, so you're going to have to use the court if you think he won't listen to your concerns .

Is the current visitation arrangement court ordered or just agreed between yourselves?

If it's just agreed between yourselves and you're happy to continue with it but with strict safety rules and appropriate developmental expectations, you need to go to family court, go to mediation to come up with an agreement that has the best interests of the children at heart, and then be prepared to take him back to court if you find he is letting them do too much unsupervised or with inadequate supervision.

If the current visitation is court ordered, you can go to the court and ask for a reworking of the arrangement if you're really unhappy with his care of them. It's much tougher to do this than to get an agreement in the first place.

Not believing the autism diagnosis, if there is one, is a major problem here.

Yes ds has been diagnosed.

What do you mean by accommodation In school?

There's no court or anything like that . We just arrange between ourselves. It's probably more on his teems than mine . Like he likes to have one weekend a month to spend with his adult children. Without the 2 boys. The other 3 weekends ge has them. Or if something at work comes up or what ever he might skip it but then come and take them out for a few hours couple times in the week.

He has promised me before he will be more careful. So maybe it does have to be something more formal it's a shame because apart from this issue we are still quite close.

With the autism thing he says he's going to treat him like he's normal [*post edited by MNHQ to remove quoted disablist wording], says things like he's just a bit behind, he will catch up.

It’s starting to sound like them playing in a field is honestly the least of your problems. It’s a pattern of behaviour where he is not parenting properly or safely.

@Kanaloa

It’s starting to sound like them playing in a field is honestly the least of your problems. It’s a pattern of behaviour where he is not parenting properly or safely.

Yes. That was just another thing to add to it . He really does love the boys. But he just does not parent them. He does things like buy them lovely clothes makes sure they have a bath before bed. He wanted to take take them swimming next week. They can't swim. How am I meant to trust that he will look after them

By accommodation in school I mean an individual education plan, a TA in the classroom, involvement of SLT, OT, or any other services geared to help him succeed in school to the best of his ability.

I assume your ex has no contact with the school, no contact with the doctor who made the diagnosis, basically has nothing to do with the serious parenting of his children.

You need to put an end to this contact nonsense.

Calling his own son that awful name . I have no words...

Take him to court.
Insist that if he wants visitation he needs to parent, not just splash money around (using the children to show off his money, basically) and disregard his responsibilities.
He needs to start engaging with the professionals who are part of your children's lives - going to parent night, attending doctor appointments, co-operating with advice from professionals when it comes to dealing with the autism traits.

You should not be willing to let your children be badly treated by this man for the sake of keeping relations between the two of you amicable.

If the consequence of trying to secure appropriate treatment of the children is that he turns unfriendly, then he has all the power here, and you have none. The losers in this situation are the children who are being neglected (allowed to roam unsupervised) and mistreated (exposed to unsafe conditions like swimming venue) and called ugly, awful names.

He basically does what he likes here - has them if it's not inconvenient to him and if it fits in with his older family's schedule, and disregards their needs. None of this is in the best interests of the children.

He needs to agree to a proper visitation schedule and arrange his work around that.
Above all, he needs to engage and co-operate with all the professionals involved with autistic DS. This is what your deal breaker should be.

If he won't do that, then you need to fold your arms and end the contact.

I'm guessing he pays no child support. Hope I'm wrong.

@mathanxiety

By accommodation in school I mean an individual education plan, a TA in the classroom, involvement of SLT, OT, or any other services geared to help him succeed in school to the best of his ability.

I assume your ex has no contact with the school, no contact with the doctor who made the diagnosis, basically has nothing to do with the serious parenting of his children.

You need to put an end to this contact nonsense.

Calling his own son that awful name . I have no words...

Take him to court.
Insist that if he wants visitation he needs to parent, not just splash money around (using the children to show off his money, basically) and disregard his responsibilities.
He needs to start engaging with the professionals who are part of your children's lives - going to parent night, attending doctor appointments, co-operating with advice from professionals when it comes to dealing with the autism traits.

You should not be willing to let your children be badly treated by this man for the sake of keeping relations between the two of you amicable.

If the consequence of trying to secure appropriate treatment of the children is that he turns unfriendly, then he has all the power here, and you have none. The losers in this situation are the children who are being neglected (allowed to roam unsupervised) and mistreated (exposed to unsafe conditions like swimming venue) and called ugly, awful names.

He basically does what he likes here - has them if it's not inconvenient to him and if it fits in with his older family's schedule, and disregards their needs. None of this is in the best interests of the children.

He needs to agree to a proper visitation schedule and arrange his work around that.
Above all, he needs to engage and co-operate with all the professionals involved with autistic DS. This is what your deal breaker should be.

If he won't do that, then you need to fold your arms and end the contact.

I'm guessing he pays no child support. Hope I'm wrong.

Ah yes ds has had assments in the hope of a 121 at the moment the TA sits with him most of the time .

No he has no involvement what so ever with the autism side. last time I showed him a report he got all stroppy. So from then on I never bothered

he only takes interest when say the children are star of the week he will make a fuss of them will send a photo to nanny etc.

The reason I never set down strict times was because I did not want to be difficult and if it made no real difference to me/family then I thought what the point in making a fuss so wanted to be a bit flexible. And I did not want the kids to miss out seeing him because he had to work. So that was another reason.

It does seem to me that he wants to do all the fun bits but not the parenting side of it .

He does pay for them. He's never let us down with that side of things

How does he know how much to pay if there is no set days he has the DC, or is that an informal arrangement too?

You need to keep your children well, well away from this vile person. Zero contact

He only has an interest in the kids when they reflect his own shining self image back at him.

Hence spending money on clothes for them.
Hence also refusing to accept the autism diagnosis. In his mind, his child's diagnosis is a direct challenge to his marvelous view of himself.

This man is toxic. The children need him in their lives like a fish needs a bike.

You need to end contact. Force him to take you to court if he wants to get it started up again.

He will have to defend what he said about his child and the complete lack of engagement with the SEN professionals and teachers.

Document everything that's going on now, and try to recall and commit to a memo everything he has said in the past about the autism diagnosis and how he handles DS.

@mathanxiety

He only has an interest in the kids when they reflect his own shining self image back at him.

Hence spending money on clothes for them.
Hence also refusing to accept the autism diagnosis. In his mind, his child's diagnosis is a direct challenge to his marvelous view of himself.

This man is toxic. The children need him in their lives like a fish needs a bike.

You need to end contact. Force him to take you to court if he wants to get it started up again.

He will have to defend what he said about his child and the complete lack of engagement with the SEN professionals and teachers.

Document everything that's going on now, and try to recall and commit to a memo everything he has said in the past about the autism diagnosis and how he handles DS.

Thank you. Im thinking that when he takes me to court they say he can see them/have them over night. But that does not mean he won't keep doing stupid things.

I think its very possible that this could and would be seen as a matter of different parenting styles.

@Joystir59

Filed= field? Brang= brought?

Oh. @Joystir59, where would we all be without your superb translation skills? Utterly unable to understand someone who makes the occasional spelling mistake, or uses a slightly different vernacular to our own? The horror, the horror…..

OP, what you have described wouldn’t necessarily bother me regarding the field if I am honest. My ex and I have some disagreements regarding the level of supervision my dd needs (I believe in giving her more freedom to what he does). Basically over the years we’ve had to come to tolerate each other’s slightly different parenting styles. We are both good parents, just have slightly different boundaries.

To the posters suggesting the boys should no longer be able to see their dad - really? Because yeah, that wouldn’t fuck them up or make them resent their mother, at all!

@Joystir59 back off, someone is in need of help

@2boys21 lovey, it’s abusive not to accept a diagnosis. He needs to make accommodation and allowances. It’s abusive to throw things the children have made in the bin. He is being both abusive and irresponsible. Get him to go to parenting classes. If he won’t, go to court.

@Joystir59

Filed= field? Brang= brought?

Omg have you not ever heard of dyslexia?

Omg sorry!

Can everyone please report @Joystir59. They've got form for this fuckwittery of only posting to correct someone's grammar.

@Joystir59

Omg sorry!

Course you are. As always.

[quote Gilead]@2boys21 lovey, it’s abusive not to accept a diagnosis. He needs to make accommodation and allowances. It’s abusive to throw things the children have made in the bin. He is being both abusive and irresponsible. Get him to go to parenting classes. If he won’t, go to court.[/quote]
A lot of people have a hard time accepting a diagnosis sometimes, that doesn't make it abusive.
It also isn't abusive to throw away things that children have made.

@TheChip. I disagree, do you throw your children’s things away in front of them and call them rubbish?
As for not accepting a dx, he is not taking the child’s needs into account. Whether it be through fear, narcissism or other reasons, it’s neglect and abusive. I guarantee we’re it something that can be seen, psoriasis for example, it would be accepted. This man has never been to any of the meetings regarding his son’s dx. Had he been, he would have been offered help to come to terms with the dx and been taught coping strategies for himself and his child.

@TheChip

I do agree with some bits you have mentioned . Like the diagnosis this I understand that some will find it hard to accept. And I kind of thought well I don't care if he accepts it or not ad long as the kids are looked after. The problem comes where he has to much expectation of him. Like he's still in pull ups at night. So instead of making it not a big deal. He started telling him how he should not be in pull ups at night and that he's not a baby.

No throwing something a child has mad in the bin is not a horrible thing to do gosh we would be drowning it kiddies art . But im this case ds has run out of school tried to show daddy the bread he made and his reply was load of crap / rubbish put it on the bin.

Regarding the filed side of it . A boy who is 9 has taken them . Baring in mind its a 5 year old and 6 year old . The 6 year old with autism. So he's kind of younger than his actual age . Plus the boy is looking after 2 of them. It just Seems he will let anyone else do the parenting as long as he does not have to . I wish I could show you the video of them at the beach. I don't want to put him / them In a situation where he can't see them. But it would break Me if anything ever happend to them.

I'm confused now his adult daughter is now messaging me saying none of it happened as there is no filed near by