Can you ever forgive a bad childhood?

[Mycrapchildhood]

Just reading the thread about adult children paying rent whilst living at home and it’s brought it all back how crap my childhood and parents were.

I was fed and clothed but that was about it, there was no love or warmth shown, no interest in my education, no interest at all really. Still the same now as an adult. I have a clear memory of my mother standing at the bottom of the stairs screaming about my “rent”. I was 22 in my first job, not paid a great deal of money, huge student debts, a 3 hour commute to work so expensive train fares & she wanted to take money off me. She didn’t charge my 2 brothers rent of course, just me.

How can you ever forgive stuff like that and should you?

No and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve been NC now for many years.
Having my own children just highlighted more how the decisions made were all for the adults benefit and wants regardless of the impact on others.
When they turn adults they won’t stop being my children and i will never make them think that my responsibility is over on their 18th birthdays or that they aren’t good enough.

I can and have. I haven’t forgotten it but I can understand some of it now.
Was paying a quarter of my earnings to her from 14. She didn’t buy me sanitary products which was why I had to start working at 14! Nor underwear, deodorant, anything like that. God forbid I needed clothes, they were Christmas and birthday presents and nothing else.
Holidays weren’t for children and we were left on our own as teenagers while her and her partner went or she went with friends.
She was very angry most of the time, I would never talk to her about things I was going through. I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and just never told her. I didn’t think she’d be interested or bothered or anything.
We became much closer once I’d moved out and had children of my own and she’s now someone I love and enjoy spending time with. She’s not maternal, should probably never have had children because she wasn’t prepared to give up her lifestyle to accommodate their needs properly but despite that, my siblings and I are all incredibly close and look out for each other. My oldest sibling really didn’t fare well for a long time after becoming an adult.
I don’t think it’s healthy to hold a grudge, it gets me nowhere. What my childhood has done for me is that it’s given me a huge appreciation for my lovely house, my children and my relationship with dh which has given our dc a (hopefully) solid foundation and knowledge of what it’s like to grow up in a house where they’re valued.
So if anything, I’m thankful that my shitty childhood as taught me how to be the best parent I can be to my own kids.

My children have a terrible father. I don't suppose either of you can give me any insight as to when my young children will be ready to give up on him?

No I do not forgive being abused. I am constantly reminded of what it was like when we do something together as a family with my children/grandchildren and something happens to remind me how cold and horrible my mother was.
It's a wonder I am sane if there is such a thing.
I am the polar opposite of my mother. I am kind. I clearly do not take after her at all and for that I am grateful.
To not forgive does not mean you have to. You simply have to find your own way of dealing with the harsh memories and not allow them to keep on hurting you which is hard at times.

We went to the seaside this week and there were donkeys on the beach. My three year old grandson did not want a donkey ride. It reminded me of how my sister always went on the donkeys but I was never allowed because I did not 'enjoy it like she did'. It made me sad for a few minutes, but I moved on quickly or what would be the point of living ?
Swimming in the sea was always great fun but not surprisingly my sister enjoyed it far more than I being a 'water baby'.
Tip of the iceberg stuff and only a tiny fraction of the mind games that went on all of the time... aaahhh..

I had a largely absent father.
From the age of about 16 he turned into a total nightmare. I had grown up listening to my mum running him down to anyone and everyone but I gave up on him when I was about 17. He’s still in my life in some capacity, he lives abroad and we see him as little as possible, he’s a compulsive liar, a serial adulterer, it makes it very difficult to want to spend time with him. I know he’d be there for me if ever I needed or wanted him. I don’t.
We exchange messages a few times a week, he mainly sends me memes. I rarely send him anything back, maybe once every couple of weeks to engage but he doesn’t bring much positivity to my life so I don’t invest much into the relationship.
Your kids will realise in their own time.

@TheChosenTwo

I had a largely absent father. From the age of about 16 he turned into a total nightmare. I had grown up listening to my mum running him down to anyone and everyone but I gave up on him when I was about 17. He’s still in my life in some capacity, he lives abroad and we see him as little as possible, he’s a compulsive liar, a serial adulterer, it makes it very difficult to want to spend time with him. I know he’d be there for me if ever I needed or wanted him. I don’t. We exchange messages a few times a week, he mainly sends me memes. I rarely send him anything back, maybe once every couple of weeks to engage but he doesn’t bring much positivity to my life so I don’t invest much into the relationship. Your kids will realise in their own time.

Thank you. I empathise with your Mum. I dont say nearly half the thibgs id like to say about him to my kids but i do want them to know that his behaviour is outrageous.

I have a severely abusive mother (my ACE score is 8). No, I don't forgive her. It's not my responsibility to forgive someone who left physical and mental scars on a child. I was no contact with her for a long time and started speaking to her again recently, and I completely regret opening up dialogue with her again.

Kind of.

I’ve done a lot of work around my childhood. Work that is ongoing.

Part of that was understanding my parents own childhoods and how they were shaped by their own upbringings.

With one that led to a forgiveness and starting from a different place, as friends as adults that really grew into something. To be fair they did a lot of work in their own way trying to understand and overcome their own limitations. They made substantial sacrifices later in life to make amends to me. I came to see them as deeply flawed but more sinned against than sinning. I also think they had something like undiagnosed ADHD or autism or C-PTSD that basically made their everyday world a nightmare. Still working on my feeling my feelings about how they treated me over a decade after they died. Basically they were abusive and neglectful, but they were also loving and protective to the best of their ability, which was impaired. They were physically there for me when I was growing up, even if they often couldn’t be there for me in the emotional sense.

The other I basically forgave in the sense of realising it would never be different and for me I needed to move on. I did try reestablish a relationship later in life to see do they had any insight into the situation and to see if things might be different moving forward . They hadn’t in any meaningful way. They were abusive and neglectful and they abandoned me for a better life for themselves. They were not there for me in any meaningful sense as a child.

One thing I would say is that my parents were born in the forties. One died over ten years ago and the other nearly five years ago. I would have a very different outlook for people born after say the 1960/70s and after.

There is a lot more help and information now, especially on the internet, about how to understand yourself and others psychologically and behaviourally. It doesn’t mean it was ok to be a bad person, but I think people had much less chance of undoing their own childhood trauma and bad experiences, or understanding themselves in a way that helped them genuinely grow.

I'm struggling right now with childhood memories. I'm also pregnant and I think it's made it worse, I haven't told my mum of my pregnancy.

On one hand I know she struggled, I get that, however I do not forgive the fear I had growing up, I do not forgive how she would physically assault me when she lost her temper, I do not forgive her stopping me doing things with my life because she needed money from me, I do not forgive her for taking my money.
I haven't seen her I nearly 2 years, and it's for the best. I turn into a bitch when I see her, it's almost a physical feeling that washes over me.
So I guess you can understand what happened in your childhood and if you can truly forgive and move on then I praise you, but I can't.

No. Childhood shapes the rest of our lives.

No!! All the psychology saying that they had a bad, abusive childhood themselves which made them poor parents I don't understand either because despite never having been shown love, affection, kindness ect from anybody I'm a very kind, caring person in both my professional life and as a mother. 🤷

Personally I can't and won't forgive, been NC for many years and that will never ever change. Deliberately treating one child like the runt of the litter, and finding it funny? Despicable.

Nope.

Have a look at the stately homes thread on MN, OP. It’s for the adult children of abusive parents, and there is lots of good advice there.
I went no contact with my own parents when I was pregnant with my first child, over thirty years ago. I never saw them again, did not attend their funerals, and have no regrets.
As for forgiveness- even God does not forgive, unless or until the sinner genuinely repents and tries to make amends.
Have your parents ever apologised? Accepted responsibility? Worked to try and create a better relationship with you in future? No? Then you owe them nothing. Least of all forgiveness.

@coodawoodashooda

My children have a terrible father. I don't suppose either of you can give me any insight as to when my young children will be ready to give up on him?

Children view things through children's eyes. The penny will drop. Not sure how old your kids are. But you reap what you sow.

It’s a matter of degree isn’t it. There are some levels of poor parenting which can be impossible to ‘forgive’.
Much poor parenting is forgiven once the child matures enough to understand the limitations of the parent/s involved. This can take decades and sometimes never happens.

Thank you. I hope so. I realise it is selfish but i want them to realise how nasty he was (and is) to me.

As for forgiveness- even God does not forgive, unless or until the sinner genuinely repents and tries to make amends

^ I’m leaving it in God’s capable hands (I’m not 100% sure I believe in him) if he exists and he sees that they have truly come to terms with what they have done and he forgives them, then I see no reason that I shouldn’t forgive too. Until then I am happy just leaving them be. I have seen no meaningful change in them and I absolutely believe their actions to be both morally wrong and harmful so forgiving them before they made changes would be a road to madness for me.

@Babdoc

Have a look at the stately homes thread on MN, OP. It’s for the adult children of abusive parents, and there is lots of good advice there. I went no contact with my own parents when I was pregnant with my first child, over thirty years ago. I never saw them again, did not attend their funerals, and have no regrets. As for forgiveness- even God does not forgive, unless or until the sinner genuinely repents and tries to make amends. Have your parents ever apologised? Accepted responsibility? Worked to try and create a better relationship with you in future? No? Then you owe them nothing. Least of all forgiveness.

Well said

Fucking hell, I try not to dwell on it but my Mum and dad were awful.

They fobbed me off with whatever relative would have me so they could work abroad and make good money. This started when I was four. I was told I'd be staying for Christmas with this particular aunt ( who DIDNT like me very much ) and I ended up there for 3 years. I went to Germany flying as an unaccompanied minor every half term holiday.

The next lot of uncle and aunt starved me till social services contacted my parents abroad and told them to take me or I'd be taken into care. I can still remember my Mum getting so angry with me for crying when it was time for her to leave having visited me and saying that I was emotionally blackmailing her ( I was 8 or 9 years old ).

She is now 82 and lives with myself and Dh. She is old, doesn't leave her room really and very disabled. Her mind is still sharp though - she loves the Daily Mail and is a bigoted nasty person. She can't see it, she just can't. She thinks she is a really kind person.

None of my other half siblings speak to her, there was some awful business with my older half brother and a family member that was a Peadophile ... when I write it down I just can't believe I still have anything to do with her.

I feel proper guilt if we fall out - a case In point being today.

She was scoffing nastily about BA who said they aren't going to say ladies and gentlemen anymore and said it was to make the trannies happy she is perfectly aware that my 26 yo son is Transgender and has been for 7 years now.

I don't actually like her, I feel sorry for her. I can't imagine being that kind of parent. It wasn't just her, my dad was crap too but he's been gone for over 20 years and you forget kind of.

I'm so sorry for anyone else who's had such a shitty childhood, it fucks you up for the rest of your life doesn't it?

I was starved by this particular aunt and uncle, i ate and ate and ate until I was over 18 stone and stayed that way until I was 45 years old. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food even now, the cupboards and the fridge have to be full at all times. I waste a lot of food.

I think 70's parenting wasn't the best but with regards to forgiveness I suppose I have - you just don't ever forget do you?

Like another poster has said upthread, it made me into a different kind of Mum. My children are so very loved and cherished. Like all children should be.

Personally No!
As the eldest of 4 by a fair bit and basically forced into parenting and trying to protect the younger 3 I never forgave neither 'parent' (mother and my step father) for our dysfunctional, disruptive and damaged childhood's.
All 4 of us have suffered MH problems, all 4 have been in abusive and shit relationships because we weren't brought up in a normal loving family where you are loved and cared about.
We are all old enough now to understand and realise why we chose what we chose when we became young adults (think groomed, left home young, became parents very young etc) and today we all strive to live our best lives still close and supportive to one another.
I went NC with step father many years ago so his fairly recent death did not affect me in the slightest.
When our mother became terminally ill I personally put aside my feelings from childhood and moved country to be supportive and care for her (siblings also helped) I supported, protected and cared for her and held her hand as she died so she knew she wasn't alone - then broke my heart because she'd never afforded me the same comfort ever.
I will never forgive her, even in her death.

Nope. I haven’t forgiven my parents for abusing me, or the wider family for turning a blind eye to it.

No you should not. You were a child. They were adults and parents. You can (virtually) lay the blame at their feet. Some things are unforgivable!

My childhood was chaotic. Mum and dad divorced. Mum married again, divorce. Married dad. They never resolved their issues. Regularly screaming at eachother into the night until I called family members to come round.

Mum's mental health wasn't the best and she threatened my dad with killing herself and us, if he tried to see us when they were together. She was sectioned a couple of times. While we got shipped around different family members

Wider family claim to not know it was that bad.

I don't know if I have forgiven but I have made peace with it. Though I can't be 100% sure that I am not just very good at compartmentalising it.

I did manage to say my piece to my parents, twice, about 10 years ago when they went through another rough patch and were discussing divorce. Mum admitted she wanted to punish him for leaving, which was over 30 years ago.

I told them both they ruined my childhood between them. I also told Mum (who claims 'but we love eachother' that love isn't trying to punish someone for something they did 30 years ago and make them miserable for the rest of their lives. I told them they were pathetic and if they couldn't get over things that happened last time, they should have never remarried in the first place then at least I wouldn't have spent most of my teens stressed and exhausted. They both sat their like naughty children. Mum did go to therapy on the back of it and then they went together.

They seem alot better in recent years. The therapy seemed to have helped and let them air their problems and move past them.

I parent in a very different way. Which Mum wasn't a fan of. But a recent situation with my daughter that I handled my way was resolved and she admitted that she actually admired how I handled it and played the long game.

Again tbe therapy seemed to really open her mind to the fact that her way isn't the right way.

Unfortunately, I am now guiding both kids through issues with their dad. Him letting them down and not being stable, jumping from woman to woman that he insists on introducing to them. Dd has stopped seeing him, ds is going less and less. I have learned to not let them see my anger or my disgust at him. And just support them.

I actually have a decent relationship with my parents now. I speak up when Mum starts being arsey. Her latest is that my generation has it so much easier than her. But now it's a discussion where we both try and see eachothers sides.

I have come to a point where I think it is what it is. Mum grew up in a family whose dad was abusive, her mum never recovered from the death of mums brother as a baby and she has her own trauma. Dad was definitely neglected to a large degree and had an alcoholic dad.

At this point, I think most people causing trauma have some trauma themselves. I concentrate more on making sure mine don't get passed on to my kids.

@Arghlife I feel for you. I was in a similar position 2 years ago and somehow the mix of hormones and wanting to be the bigger person etc got the better of me and I made contact to let my 'd'm know I was pregnant so she didn't find out 2nd hand. It was truly awful and ruined a chunk of my pregnancy. Being pregnant and then having your own little one really puts things into perspective about your own childhood and not always in the nice way people go on about. It also brings into sharp focus that you don't have that same support many assume will be there