Three year old always wanting to be carried

[WildWombat]

He won't walk anywhere under his own steam and it's starting to be a source of stress. We can't go for family walks unless he rides on DH's shoulders. He mostly refuses the pushchair or the buggy board although we sometimes get lucky. I guess I just wanted to ask other parents is this is pretty typical for a just turned three year old? We're not expecting him to walk a four mile hike or anything, but a stroll around the block without breaking our backs would be nice. We expect a bit of dawdling as he looks at things along the way, but he just sits on the path until someone picks him up. It's so stressful trying to persuade/bribe him to walk it's not worth going any more. Is this normal for this age? And if so when does it get easier?

Tried a scooter? Or a push along trike (long handle)

Just stop carrying him. You need to be more stubborn than he is.

@FlibbertyGiblets

Tried a scooter? Or a push along trike (long handle)

We're getting him a scooter for Christmas. Definitely worth a shot.

My just turned 4 year old is like this but only with me. I have tried everything - bikes, ignoring him, asking him to collect leaves etc, taking the pram and nothing works. Everyone just says to refuse to carry him but he will literally sit on the ground screaming until I carry him. The only option I can think of is to not go out but I can’t imagine how boring that would be. Sorry to be negative but hope you don’t mind me following this thread to get some tips. for you. It is hard and I sympathise.

@dancemom

Just stop carrying him. You need to be more stubborn than he is.

This is the obvious thing to do, yes. But if it's a case of 'if you don't walk we're going home' he'll always choose to go home and then everybody else loses out 😔

I'm guessing by the comment about a buggy board you also have a younger child? Sounds like he's testing the boundaries which is pretty normal for a 3 year old. Make it clear before you leave the house what his options are: You're a big boy now and you're too heavy for mummy / daddy to carry so do you want to walk, go in the buggy or ride your bike/scooter? whatever he picks he sticks with. Be prepared for the sitting on the path but you just have to be more stubborn than he is! Watch supernanny for tips, she's good at breaking this sort of behaviour.

Yeah the best answer to this is not to give in to it in the first place.

Some things I do to encourage reticent walkers-

-short walks and build up with lots of praise

• looking for something/treasure hunt
• chasing imaginary friend/animal
• how quickly can you do 10 jumps forward?
• can you skip/hop/star jump to that next lamppost?
• race you to x point
• invent an injury meaning carrying is not an option
• treat for half way point before turning back home

@Cityzen74

My just turned 4 year old is like this but only with me. I have tried everything - bikes, ignoring him, asking him to collect leaves etc, taking the pram and nothing works. Everyone just says to refuse to carry him but he will literally sit on the ground screaming until I carry him. The only option I can think of is to not go out but I can’t imagine how boring that would be. Sorry to be negative but hope you don’t mind me following this thread to get some tips. for you. It is hard and I sympathise.

Oh bless you. I'm so glad it's not just me! It must be psychological, because he's perfectly capable of walking when he wants to. He jumps and runs and plays in the playground so there's nothing wrong with his body or fitness. If I knew it was just a phase of a few months it wouldn't be so bad but as you say I can't make the whole family do everything his way i.e. carry him or stay at home. We'd all go insane!

@emmathedilemma

I'm guessing by the comment about a buggy board you also have a younger child? Sounds like he's testing the boundaries which is pretty normal for a 3 year old. Make it clear before you leave the house what his options are: You're a big boy now and you're too heavy for mummy / daddy to carry so do you want to walk, go in the buggy or ride your bike/scooter? whatever he picks he sticks with. Be prepared for the sitting on the path but you just have to be more stubborn than he is! Watch supernanny for tips, she's good at breaking this sort of behaviour.

Yes we have a 7-month old as well you normally rides in the pushchair although we can put her in the carrier and try him in the pushchair from time to time. I'd forgotten about supernanny on TV - I'll see if I can find it!

@Nanananani

Yeah the best answer to this is not to give in to it in the first place.

Some things I do to encourage reticent walkers-

-short walks and build up with lots of praise

• looking for something/treasure hunt
• chasing imaginary friend/animal
• how quickly can you do 10 jumps forward?
• can you skip/hop/star jump to that next lamppost?
• race you to x point
• invent an injury meaning carrying is not an option
• treat for half way point before turning back home

Really good suggestions thank you! It seems so much effort to go to just to get out of the house for a short walk! But it sounds like it's pretty normal for a 3-year old which is comforting. DH and I find it so hard because we are big walkers. Not that we'd ever expect the children to do the sort of walks we did as a couple until they're much older, but seriously a walk of about half an hour should not be this difficult surely!?

I’d pick a day when you have time, leave the baby at home with your DH and go for a walk with him, to a specific known destination and back. Absolutely refuse to pick him up or go home or bribe him or negotiate. No interaction if he’s not walking nicely with you. Wait it out. Let him sit on a cold pavement being bored for a hour if he wants. Lots of praise and encouragement for walking when he does.

I wouldn’t be carrying or pandering to a three year old, especially if a buggy board was also on offer - he needs to do as he is told. Quicker he learns you mean business the better.

@WildWombat hopefully you wouldn’t have to do it forever, just until he forgets that’s a protest gets him carried and gets in the habit of walking. I’d say start with a 15/20 min walk max until things improve. I know it seems like it takes longer than that to get out the door but it should be worth it in the long run

Can you walk towards something exciting. So to the playground or take foam aeroplanes that can only be thrown once you’ve got right spot
With ds I’d just wave and walk off a couple of steps and he’d jump up and follow. Dd it doesn’t work she just ups the tantrum.
If all else fails but him in the buggy and if he has a tantrum tough. He has a choice in buggy or walk

We had this issue in various lockdowns. My back was in tatters. I was seriously starting to think I would be carrying her in to school every day! Now she doesn't want me to carry her I miss holding her that close to me 🤣

Perhaps you need to set up some traps, OP. For example, talk enthusiastically about a nice walk to the woods/park/anywhere that he loves going.
Set out with him, sibling(s), and DH. If he sits on the pavement and refuses to walk, say “Oh dear, you will miss all the fun at the park. Ok, daddy will stay here with you on the pavement, while the rest of us carry on. Bye bye!”
Then head off and leave him. He can tantrum all he wants, with dad keeping watch to maintain safety. My bet is you won’t have to do it too many times before he decides refusal is a mug’s game, and starts walking.
It’s important to be in control at this age. If they don’t respect you and think they can call the shots by throwing a tantrum, it’s exhausting and awful for the whole family, including the little shit darling himself. Small kids need firm boundaries and the reassurance that their parent is in charge, to feel safe.

For mums with younger DC who dread this scenario - get them out of the buggy much younger, and used to walking. Praise them for being a “big” girl or boy, tell them buggies are just for babies. I had my DDs climbing hills here in Scotland from 16 months. It never occurred to them to refuse to walk - walking was as taken for granted as breathing.

My DS was exactly the same at this age. No interest in scooters/bikes and refused the pushchair so me and DH were often knackered from lugging him around.

It didn't last particularly long in the grand scheme of things, perhaps around 6 months (but I know that probably feels like a lifetime when carrying a 3 yr old around). We would carry him for a bit but then insist that he walked for a bit too, and take it in turns, to encourage some movement from him!

@Babdoc

For mums with younger DC who dread this scenario - get them out of the buggy much younger, and used to walking. Praise them for being a “big” girl or boy, tell them buggies are just for babies. I had my DDs climbing hills here in Scotland from 16 months. It never occurred to them to refuse to walk - walking was as taken for granted as breathing.

All well and good in rural Scotland but when you live in a city with busy roads and insufficient crossings you often can’t take risks with a non-compliant child.

I presume OP that his shoes fit properly and any nutritional or physical problems have been ruled out? Vitamin D, flat feet, pinching shoes, all make walking horrible.

My DS was like this at this age - very easily fatigued walking, but could sprint in playground etc. He turns out to have quite severe generalised hypermobility, which means he gets fatigued very easily (but doesn't stop him doing quick springy stuff). We always encouraged him to walk, but actually I'm really.glad we didn't pick a fight over it an continued to help him where we could.... they're not really old enough at this age to articulate what's going on. So I wouldn't at all recommend the stubborn supernanny approach.

Encourage where you can, do silly walks etc (both of you) to get him where you need to be, and buy a scooter or balance bike. We still used a Manduca sling to shove him on our backs at that age for longer walks, and it worked great (even though I'm really small!)

But please don't assume it's just stubbornness or attention-seeking if he can run in the playground but not walk for half an hour... It might be he's genuinely finding it hard. I am so relieved now DS has a diagnosis that we didn't override him finding it difficult. (And he can now age 10 do a six mile walk, but has a little pop-up stool for stop/start walking like museums 🙂👍)

"If they don’t respect you and think they can call the shots by throwing a tantrum, it’s exhausting and awful for the whole family, including the little shit darling himself"

Bleurgh. What a horrid way to talk about a little person.

Oh, and the whole "my kids climbed mountains from 16 months" malarkey. So did my first. But second had a disability he couldn't yet articulate. Just cos one kid can do it, doesn't mean you can bully a different kid into it.

My wee one went through a phase of this OP, bit of a different scenario as she has ASD diagnosis and a lot of her wanting carried came from anxiety about going new or busier places etc...BUT it was just a phase that I think a lot of wee ones go through. She was 3 at the time and it totally stressed me out but someone suggested looking at it a different way, WHY didn't she want to walk? I knew she loved running and playing about so what was it about walks that made her want carried? I eventually figured out for her it was she wasn't keen on new places and worked on helping with that particularly using some of the good strategies noted above eg let's walk for ten, jump for ten etc etc and took her mind off what made her most anxious.
I'm not at all suggesting this is your DS at all but the advice I was given to figure out WHY my wee one (regardless of additional needs or not) was refusing to walk was I think really sound advice and helped me. Using the positive techniques to try make walking fun rather than a more direct 'you will walk' approach combined with thinking about why it was happening worked well.
She now walks everywhere and it really was just a phase!

Totally appreciate sometimes it's VERY hard and frustrating especially with another wee one too. I'm rubbish with the psychology side of things but even a reaction to sibling getting pushed in buggy and DS not?
Hope it gets easier for you soon OP

Just coming out of this stage and you have my fullest sympathies. I had to eyeroll a bit at the "just stop carrying him" comment. Sometimes there is literally no option and what works with one child (my fairly compliant, eager to please eldest for example) is almost a red rag to another.

My DS would often complain his legs were hurting and he was 'exhausted' from about the age of 2.5 to up to a few months ago. He has just had his 4th birthday. I was often left with no option on the school run for my other children as I go by car and he would refuse to walk from the car through the school gates. There was one awful day in particular I remember the headteacher commented to him that he was too big to be carried and I got back to the car and cried as I knew it was really a dig at me. He is on the 98th percentile for height which never helped as he looks like a much older child than he is.

I gave in and put him back in the buggy and given the two options he chose buggy. I did get comments about him being too big for the buggy, which I ignored. Scooter also worked but his listening wasn't reliable enough and he would go too fast and not look out for other people etc.

I did all the things mentioned above, walking like our favourite animals, playing games at the same time and sometimes it worked, sometimes it made it worse. All I can say is, there was a sudden improvement and I haven't had any issues for a couple of months. I wonder if he just built the stamina. My advice is do whatever it takes to get you through and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

@BabycakesMatlala

Oh, and the whole "my kids climbed mountains from 16 months" malarkey. So did my first. But second had a disability he couldn't yet articulate. Just cos one kid can do it, doesn't mean you can bully a different kid into it.

True. It takes a particular kind of dickhead to think climbing mountains is even appropriate at 16 months old. Even people who live local wouldn’t let their kids do that until at least school age.

😁