HELP What am I turning into/ what the hell is wrong with

[Yankee63]

Didn’t know where to post, so just a general open discussion

I’ve recently been getting this feeling of like I can only describe as pent up anger ?
It’s like when say dp especially and maybe random people
When they mention something in conversation but then go on and on about it in great detail.
I start to get I don’t know like anger building up inside my body and the more they carry on the more this feeling intensifies especially with dp as he goes into great detail really when it could be said in say a few mins.
I find myself tensing up when he starts to talking thinking how longs this going to take as he goes into great detail where as I just say what needs to be said/explained
Another example is
He as hobbies what I call man hobbies that he says he’s passionate about
Motorbike, speedway , cars tennis
Like today a guy came to house to fix something
Before he’d got through the door the guy said I used to have one of those cars
Well dp started going on about the engine, how long he’d had it, how it ran, asked why he got rid of his, told him what he thought was wrong with it
The guy in the end said right where’s the sofa I come about
What should off been a relative 10 mins max job turned into a 5 min fix and 40 mins chat
With me getting wound up to the point I could feel panic raising inside me.

It’s worrying me, I know I’m not very tolerant but this is anything
I can’t seem to tolerate random people basically going into great detail when it’s not really relevant
I’ve told dp who will talk for hours and hours about his hobbies and knows I’m not the greatly interested, I will listen but I don’t want to know the ins and out of everything that’s happened.
He just doesn’t get it,I’ve tried to explain but he just gets annoyed then and say your never interested in my hobbies or what I gave to say
It’s because he goes either round and round and great detail that’s really not relevant

I do suffer chronic anxiety and this just raises it
I can’t get through to him how it winds me up how we can see somebody, conversation might include say a bike for example and the whole situation is turned into him talking about himself and his bike his car his job etc

It’s got to the point this morning when the guy was her that I really noticed myself !!
It frighten me the sensations I was getting

If you knew the boys were going to be making car chat why didn’t you get on with something else and leave them to it?

I sympathise. My tolerance got worse when I entered peri menopause, so I don't know if this is relevant to you.

Do you have anything that's just for you, any time where nobody is asking you stuff or talking at you? If not, make some. Ten minute bursts if your kids are little, but otherwise thirty minute sessions minimum. A bath, a run, a swim, a cup of tea in the garden, read a book in a cafe, whatever you would choose if you only had to please yourself.

Headphones when the random chatter is exhausting (less rude than ear plugs and nobody will know if you're not playing anything through them).

I'm trying acupuncture for perimenopausal rage, and I think it's helping (ignore if this is not your life stage).

Do you feel heard? Because that can make me feel raging! If it feels like your needs are coming last, see what you can do to re-claim some balance.

I have no tolerance for anyone anymore.

I keep my mouth shut though or I’d be a total wanker all day. But I hate everyone.

Are you embarrassed by him talking at people or annoyed that random people alongside your partner trap you into being polite whilst talking at you?

@Mariell

If you knew the boys were going to be making car chat why didn’t you get on with something else and leave them to it?

This.

I'd have left DH to get on with it and found something else to do.

Do you get like this with everyone or just DP?

Depression is often closely linked to anxiety and irritability can be a symptom.

It depends though op. You might be quite justified in finding yourself very frustrated if your DP drones on inappropriately!

And many people are feeling irritated with their others halves ATM owing to the pandemic and the fact that we have been living in one another's pockets.

I have the same issue as you op but when my husband waffles on about his interests I like listening to him so poor you! My personal issue is work based, I have a senior management team who insist on "formal business meetings" that can last 4 hours because they talk about everything except work, I've had a 90 minute soliloquy from my boss about his fungal nail, a history of his sexual exploits, a complete rundown of all his no contact relationships with his family, a speech on why he will be middle class when he becomes a doctor and a good few hours spent slagging off members of staff and accusing them of committing very serious crimes which he apparently has no intention of acting on. I want him to STFU because he makes my blood boil, I don't care about all the bullshit he spews, just do your job

I struggle with my partner talking about work. It's not because I'm not interested it's just that when he talks about e.g. putting up a shelf he will go into detail such as we got this wood, it was too thick so when I got another bit, then we started to put it in and realised that we hadn't checked this… Or we needed different screws and then we had to go to the shop and then the drill wasn't charged dadada. It's so detail heavy I find myself wondering in sentence 1 when he will stop. He sees it too and I look like a bitch. I've tried explaining but look like a bitch.

Crochet is the answer. Keeps me occupied and makes the conversation less intense and boring

Do you have a mental to-do list in your head that you want to get ticked off? Have you allocated a block of time to get something done?

I am guessing that one of your coping mechanisms for your anxiety is to mentally order and timetable your life i.e. this morning I have to:- clean the kitchen, pay the gas bill, send an email etc. If something knocks your mental plan off track e.g. your DH droning on about something you start to get stressed because it feels like your day is falling apart.

I suggest that you build some contingency into your mental plan so it can be more flexible and also leave your DH to talk and move on to the next thing you want to get done i.e. give yourself permission to start the next thing on your list before the previous one is finished.

My husband started a YouTube channel which provides an outlet for that nonsense. I just don't indulge him anymore. I say, I'm not listening to that, and walk off.

God knows he barely listens when I'm speaking about actually life-changing things so I'm not indulging his obsessions any more.

How old are you?
I hit this in my early 40's at peri-menopause.

I'm 34 and I feel like this about my DH at the minute.
He's always been a talker but recently I've noticed how much he is going into detail about things he really doesn't need to.

Sometimes I really struggle to keep awake when we're 30 mins in and he's not come up for air yet.

I feel myself dreading it every time he starts talking about something. But he's only very recently gone back to work after a year off so I'm hoping this will improve soon!

Glad it's not just me.

I'm another one wondering about your age because this seems to be happening to me and I'm early 40s and peri menopausal...

I’m post menopause 64 , but I feel this is now increasing!!
It’s horrible isn’t it, I feel for you too

I just tried to explain to him when he came back about how it makes me feel when he turns the subject onto himself or hobbies or anything really 🤦‍♀️ He answer was “ ok noted I’ll go out next time”
Which isn’t the answer I needed/wanted as with anxiety I can’t always deal with people because of panic. That’s just to shut me up.
I don’t know how I can explain it better as to not hurt his feelings

As the details are so unnecessary literally most of the time
I realise some subjects are his passion and I’ve even tried once going into things about the garden
That I like to look nice unnecessary information like the soil how they grow the height the colours the feed etc etc just to show him how f..... boring it is and he just says ok

Perhaps I need therapy, already on ad’s

@Mariell

If you knew the boys were going to be making car chat why didn’t you get on with something else and leave them to it?

Because she's not psychic and was expecting the bloke to get on and do what he was there for in the first place, not get into a 40 minute conversation with her husband.

@Yankee63, just to say... a few years after menopause when any remnant oestrogen has been flushed away AND the years of wear & tear settling into well-worn patterns of age have brought me a sharp sense of my own mortality & fading.

Subsequently I have no fucking patience with people wasting my precious time.

Good point raised by pp about organising/time chunking the day to manage anxiety & having this personal arrangement with self disrupted.

Make your time count.

@Yankee63

I’m post menopause 64 , but I feel this is now increasing!! It’s horrible isn’t it, I feel for you too

I just tried to explain to him when he came back about how it makes me feel when he turns the subject onto himself or hobbies or anything really 🤦‍♀️ He answer was “ ok noted I’ll go out next time”
Which isn’t the answer I needed/wanted as with anxiety I can’t always deal with people because of panic. That’s just to shut me up.
I don’t know how I can explain it better as to not hurt his feelings

As the details are so unnecessary literally most of the time
I realise some subjects are his passion and I’ve even tried once going into things about the garden
That I like to look nice unnecessary information like the soil how they grow the height the colours the feed etc etc just to show him how f..... boring it is and he just says ok

Perhaps I need therapy, already on ad’s

OP don't look for medical explanations, your OP just has an unbelievably annoying habit of talking about himself / rambling on for God knows how long for no reason and it's driving you bloody mental. It would drive me mental too. He needs to learn to shut his cake hole a bit more but he won't, which sets off your anger as you probably subconsciously see the next 20 years of rambling waffle opening up before your very eyes, and quite reasonable, you start feeling a bit rage-y!

You need to think of something that makes you happy as they talk and nod and smile. Remember to ask a relevant question every now and then. Sing your favourite song in your head, redesign your front room, imagine swimming in the sea last tome you were on holiday and most importantly- big smooth long breaths. Breathe out stress, breathe in glowing golden light. Feel your heart rate slowing and calming down. Think of the last thing that made you laugh. If you can, make a joke. Laughing will release the stress.

If the 'boy' chat went on for 40 min, I'd have left after 2 min with a cheery 'just call me when you need me'. Why did you even stand there? Just let him have his social chats with workmen.

I have a workman like this who does my boiler, he loves to chat and he tells me all about the boiler, the parts, the problems with the parts and so forth, I just smile for about 10 min but I also say things like 'excuse me, I just need to get back to my work' or 'you must be off then' and open the door when he starts up.

I think you need to be more assertive in these situations, but nicely.

As to your husband boring you when you are alone, well, that's kind of par for the course, just make sure you get your turn to bore him! Or kind of half listen and get on with other stuff.

I wouldn't stand there seething though, after 2 min of discomfort, I'd try to move out of the situation or just say 'I'm tired now, can we catch up later'. Don't stand there seething for ages.

Your working assumption is that your feelings are the problem. Yet you seem to describe quite annoying situations.

tbh I'm 30 next month and I often feel like this too... thankfully not towards my partner, about whom I could listen ramble on about his interests for hours even if I don't share them, but towards basically everyone else in the entire world 😬 I do have anxiety so it might be linked but I've always had anxiety, and my tolerance is getting noticably worse by the year. No advice but sympathy!

This has made me think of Charlotte Lucas in Pride & Prejudice:

Charlotte Lucas : Mr. Collins tends the gardens himself and spends a good part of every day in them.

Elizabeth Bennet : The exercise must be beneficial.

Charlotte Lucas : Indeed it is. I encourage him to be in his garden as often as possible. Then he has to walk to Rosings nearly every day

Elizabeth Bennet : So often? Is that necessary?

Charlotte Lucas : Perhaps not, but I admit I encourage him in that also. And when he is in the house, he is mostly in his book room which affords a good view of the road whenever Lady Catherine's carriage should drive by.

Elizabeth Bennet : And you prefer to sit in this parlor.

Charlotte Lucas : Yes. So you see, it often happens that a whole day passes in which we have not spent more than a few minutes in each other's company. I find that I can bear the solitude very cheerfully. I find myself... quite content with my situation Lizzy.

I'm feeling similar at the moment and I can only point it back to lockdown where I didn't need to deal with shit every day that I do now.

I'm normally such a patient and calm person but I'm finding myself increasing impatient and snappy up to the point where I can be nasty. No idea why? I've never been outspoken either always been a bit of a doormat really but I'm getting more and more confrontational and I hate it but it's like I can't help myself lately. Got a long way until menopause yet so it can't be that!

No advice just wanted to say you aren't the only one!

Me too! I can't bear it when someone takes forever to tell you something that would take any normal person two seconds! I blame it on the menopause!! xx