Unusual Parenting 1960s and 1970s . Can you help?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

I have MH problems at the moment, triggered by recent events and possibly deep seated trauma. It got me thinking about my childhood and two things stick out and I wonder if they were normal at the time?
We were an affluent family living in an affluent area. We had good toys , good food , holidays abroad , lacking in little

My parents went out regularly, having put us to bed with no babysitter. Probably from when I was about 3 , certainly remember it when I was about 5 or 6; my 8 year old brother being in charge. They came back occasionally to check we were ok. Probably asleep.

My mum kept a stick in the kitchen and used it to hit me and my brothers if we misbehaved. It might have been a dog play thing too. Not sure . I remember where it was kept, in full sight and being scared of it.

Once , she banged my brothers heads together . I told my dad that evening , he did tell her never to do that again. But he did use his belt , not on me but once each, on my 2 brothers that I am aware of.

Is this how other children were treated then? I don’t see my brothers a lot , have no contact with one of them , the other brother dismissed another school incident ( of a child being dragged down the corridor by their hair) as “it just being the 70s” . I worry about their MH too.

I was a childcare worker in the eighties. I would have called Social Services if a three-year-old was left alone in the house. Parents were prosecuted for that.
Physical punishment was more common, but hitting children with a stick was disapproved of by many. It wasn't illegal but looked at in the same way you might judge a parent giving a baby or toddler coke in a bottle.
You will have lots of people telling you it was acceptable, it really wasn't. But there was less intervention by authorities back then.

I think my parents were terrified of us being abducted! (1960s/70s). My mum told me that my dad said she mustn’t ever leave my brother and I unattended, even if popping next door. I distinctly remember them talking about stranger danger and what to do if we were approached by anyone. I’m sure their fear came from the Moors Murders and possibly other child kidnaping cases of those years. Even as I grew to adulthood my mother was very concerned if I walked anywhere alone, especially in the evening. I think during my adolescence and early adulthood I was too fearful. From what others are saying, my parents seem unusual in this respect.

@Peggytheredhen
That's interesting. I reckon my DM had read Dr Spock.

as soon as I read your post I thought 'I wonder if her mum read Dr Spock!

@00100001

not necessarily banging heads together and leaving us unsupervised.

I grew up in 80s. we were spanked, hit with sticks, slippers, shouted at etc. it was normal unfortunately :/

My older sister once banged my other sister and my heads together (and it bloody hurt). I did bite her in revenge though.

We were never left alone though and given the off swipe but never beaten.

[quote dogmandu]@Peggytheredhen
That's interesting. I reckon my DM had read Dr Spock.

as soon as I read your post I thought 'I wonder if her mum read Dr Spock![/quote]
My dad used to say ‘someone gave us the Dr Spock book - then we realised that babies can’t read’. He was quite forward thinking - he said that from day 1 babies had their own personalities and you had to parent them accordingly (as one size parenting wouldn’t work).

@Dubbin I don't think it was unusual for parents who lived in the area the Moors murderers were operating in. It totally terrified many parents.

Even though you have a boom that is widely bought, it does not mean most parents actually followed it.
I mean I can imagine future people saying we were all obsessed with cleaning and citing Mrs Hinch.

Sarah Harper was taken from the street next to my children's school. We were all scared about abduction after that. You never saw a child on their own. And very sadly, it still happens today.

Genette Tate was snatched from a quiet lane not that far from me when I was 9. Parents definitely became more cautious after that, though my mum still let me cycle around alone once I'd passed Cycling Proficiency aged 11. She said she was much more frightened though.

@kittenkong

He was so right!

My parents never smacked but we were left unsupervised Lived in the countryside and they would go to the pub a 2 mile drive away (,drink driving too)when we were at primary school and we had beds set up in the boot of the car on Saturdays whilst they were in the pub.I remember being in the beer garden at night whilst they were inside at the bar.When I was 9 they went out one Saturday night and came back Sunday afternoon!

I remember listening to a phone in on Radio 2 years ago. Would have been Jeremy Vine's show maybe. It was about smacking children.

It was so obvious that the production team expected a debate along the lines of "never did me any harm / too much coddling these days", but actually it was just call after call of tragically sad stories from middle aged and older people who were terribly scarred from corporal punishment.

I grew up in the 80s and only remember being smacked once, after being particularly naughty, in a way that actually endangered my siblings and me (as in, my naughtiness was dangerous, not the smacking). I may have been smacked on other occasions, but that's the only one I remember.

Op it sounds normal but awful and does account for a lot of mental health problems now unfortunately.

Thankfully times have changed, although we now have other problems too.

@WeAreTheHeroes that was my experience exactly, we were never fobbed off. Bikes and walking home gave a bit of independence but we were never left alone at night.

@dogmandu having read about Dr Spock I am now certain she would have read this! Like your kids we have all brought our own children up with similar approaches.

OP I am sorry you are going through this. What you experienced seems extreme to me for the time and it is really sad that you were left alone so young and made to feel frightened by your parents. I hope you can work through this by talking to someone in RL

My Mum used to bang our heads together. Not often but when she was stressed by us arguing.

I got smacked - not often but it did happen.

I don't recall being left home alone.

I remember boys mouths being washed out with soap and water at school and being really shocked. We were smacked a home occasionally but never beaten. I have friends similar ages to me and they were regularly hit with whatever was to hand especially the boys.

I was born in 64.
My mother was old school and whilst I don’t remember being left home alone, I was walking to school on my own from 5, allowed to play out all day - in the street/local park/fields and stream/round friends houses/go to shops, etc. She would not have known exactly where I was.
I was left to my own devices in the house most of the time, and if I was (extremely rarely) off sick, was left home during the day. I was an only child. My friend and I were allowed to get the bus and cross quite remote/dodgy fields to go the swimming pool - I was 10, she would have been 9.
Regularly left outside the pub with crisps and a fizzy drink by my dad.
Whilst my mum wasn’t horrible to me, she disciplined with smacks and shouting for being naughty and there was very little physical affection. Manners, speaking “properly” and being quiet and well behaved were deemed important.

I became extremely independent, resilient and prized having friends.

I don’t know if normal is the right word but yes it was typical. However, even if this was common in every single household and most people “grew up ok” it absolutely does not invalidate your trauma OP. You are absolutely allowed to be experiencing trauma about this now, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

There’s a really good psychologist who writes about this called Nicole LePera. Her book is called How to do the work but her IG feed is the best place to start @the.holistic.psychologist

I remember parents being prosecuted by the police for leaving children at home late at night or overnight. Maybe it wasn't that uncommon, but it was illegal.
Being unsupervised was more normal. Kids out playing as a group. But the difference was that it was a large group of kids and if anyone got hurt, one of the kids would run and get your mum.
Smacking occasionally for really bad things was normal too, but not using implements.
Latchkey kids became a thing in the eighties as more mums went out to work, but there was little formal childcare. But there was a lot of media concern about it, it was not uncommon, but it was talked about the same way as obseity in kids is talked about now.

Pretty common in the 70s, it was the same at home, at school and with the neighbours, if it was not the belt… it was a shoe, or whatever they had on hand. Surprisingly we all laugh about our experiences with the shoe when we get together these days.

We were babysat by a 12 year old when my older sister was 4, we certainly stayed in our own since my older sister started secondary school, but we were travelling on our own across the city for music classes much longer than that, we would be left alone by 6 if my parents were in close vicinity like with the neighbours or during holidays.

But those were other times, society were far more involved than before, Unlike children these days, we grew up on the understanding that if we were in trouble we could ask ANY adult for help. Adults were more willing to help as they wouldn’t have a mother getting paranoid or defensive. We also had the understanding that if we were misbehaving any adult could tell us off and our parents would give us a second tell off as soon as they learned about it.

It sounds horrible today, pretty much as we feel about early generations sending kids down the mines or up the chimneys. It is not ok, it shouldn’t happen but was part and parcel of growing up back then.

I am 100% against smacking as it didn’t serve any purpose, I remember the pain and the humiliation but I don’t remember why I was smacked so I don’t think I learn anything out of the punishment.

You also need to keep in mind that before it didn’t carry the emotional weight in the way it carries today, it is not a excuse but as it was happening to everyone it was not such a big deal.

I wasn't left unsupervised but I do remember dgm was really critical of dm's mollycoddling of us. Exh was left without babysitters from being 3 years old with just his five year old sister bith whilst his parents went out at night but also whilst his dm went into town shopping/to have her hair done/to see a friend. I was smacked once by df, my brother was smacked more often, we were sent to bed as punishment quite regularly. I don't think how you were treated was that ususual back then but it doesn't make it right nor something that you shouldn't struggle with either OP.

80s childhood
Hitting/smacking seemed fairly common, based on friends’ experiences. OH remembers being hit, once he was caught by his mum’s ring, which left a scar. Nobody spoke of being hit with a belt or stick though

My parents were totally opposed to smacking and my mum was horrified when I was smacked by an adult who was caring for me, to the point that she cut off contact

My older half siblings were left unsupervised in the 60, the youngest of that bath was tied to his cot, the eldest expectation assume the role of mother. This was abuse, normal or not.
My headmaster at primary school in the 80s would bang heads together/ against a metal door handle and cane or slap children. I was slapped by the deputy head in 1985.

I would say that hitting with a stick was NOT normal. My parents were lower middle/working class. Considered strict. Probably smacked occasionally but NEVER hit with a stick. A girl I knew had a mark on her leg from a stick that her father used and it was a bit of a scandal - my parents informed the school. None of my friends were hit, other than an odd smack.
I remember watching a TV drama about a father beating his child, it was presented as child abuse.
Being left alone at that age also not considered acceptable.

My sister and I were born mid 60’s and I can remember being left over night while our parents went to parties. We must have been at primary school because she left our DF when I was in the last year, so 9 or 10. It happened a lot because I can remember we slept in their bed.
I can remember our mum slapping us too but not our dad but he did threaten to bang our heads together. They both also threatened to put their heads in the gas oven when we were annoying them.