Unusual Parenting 1960s and 1970s . Can you help?

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

I have MH problems at the moment, triggered by recent events and possibly deep seated trauma. It got me thinking about my childhood and two things stick out and I wonder if they were normal at the time?
We were an affluent family living in an affluent area. We had good toys , good food , holidays abroad , lacking in little

My parents went out regularly, having put us to bed with no babysitter. Probably from when I was about 3 , certainly remember it when I was about 5 or 6; my 8 year old brother being in charge. They came back occasionally to check we were ok. Probably asleep.

My mum kept a stick in the kitchen and used it to hit me and my brothers if we misbehaved. It might have been a dog play thing too. Not sure . I remember where it was kept, in full sight and being scared of it.

Once , she banged my brothers heads together . I told my dad that evening , he did tell her never to do that again. But he did use his belt , not on me but once each, on my 2 brothers that I am aware of.

Is this how other children were treated then? I don’t see my brothers a lot , have no contact with one of them , the other brother dismissed another school incident ( of a child being dragged down the corridor by their hair) as “it just being the 70s” . I worry about their MH too.

We had a "whacking stick" but I remember referring to it when talking to a friend, we were probably about 7 and she was horrified. Before that I thought everyone had a whacking stick.

I also had my head banged against my brothers' heads or the wall, or the side of the bath. I do wonder if they caused any physical damage actually.

I was born in the late 60s. I was occasionally left alone for very short periods during the day. I was often poorly so I would be left in bed whilst my mum took my sister to school - literally 10 minutes up the road. We were never left alone for longer periods or at night. My mum also belonged to a baby-sitting circle which had loads of members and was very well used. I don't think my friends were ever left at home either.

Both parents would smack me and my sister if we had really mis- behaved. Being rude, or behaviour that was dangerous was not tolerated! They never used anything more than their hand though, and always on the bottom or back of legs, not heads. Again, I think that approach was fairly common among my friends.

My Aunt and Uncle used to keep a garden cane above a door lintel and that plus a wooden spoon to hit my cousin's with when they misbehaved!!!! I vividly remember then running through the house after my cousins with this cane. Scared the living daylights out of me as nothing like this went on in my house.
And my Husband wonders why I have a weird relationship with my Aunt. I didn't want to go to her house and can't get these visions out of my head. It's stayed with me for 40 odd years.

@Gingerkittykat
How were they towards you emotionally

My Dad used to hug me. Come up and say goodnight. I learnt to read ridiculously young ( about 3 ) so I don’t remember good night stories as I used to read to mine. Mum looked after us but wasn’t touchy feely with us, she was with other kids though. Now when we visit there are big hugs all round when we arrive and leave . And if one is offered by me during our stay.

I don't recognise this at all. My children were young in the 70's- Dr Benjamin Spock was very popular and many parents including myself read his books and bought or children up in this different and more affectionate way. It has bought lasting benefits when I look at the caring adults they are and the humane way they bring up their own children. He was famous at the time, so I guess many parents read his book.

They were never left alone when we went out and I never knew any of my friends or neighbours leaving their young children alone while they went out either.

Although there was a thread on here recently about a little boy being rude to his mother and some of the punishments recommended were more of a 50's time frame than a 70's.

@Bbq1 , exactly , I don’t think my upbringing was much different to any of my friends , looking back I’d say we were a very normal family .

@DuchessMinnie
Yes we called that stick the walking stick . Mum called it “My stick” as is “Where’s my stick”

Wacking stick not walking stick . My iPad did not grow up in the 60s

Actually @dogmandu I remember my mum being quite critical of Dr Spock and his ways. That figures.

We were left outside the pub in the car too I remember . With pop and crisps

Some of my fondest memories are of mucking around outside a pub with a bribe of club orange and crisps.

OP it doesn't sound as though your parents would have won any prizes (especially your DM) but they sound normal for the times which, thankfully, have changed since.

I never feel it is a great idea to get too fixated on the distant past, and things which cannot be changed. Sometimes it serves as a distraction from addressing the things that are really troubling us in our current lives, which we do have the means to address.

From Wikipedia

Spock advocated ideas about parenting that were, at the time, considered out of the mainstream. Over time, his books helped to bring about major change. Previously, experts[citation needed] had told parents that babies needed to learn to sleep on a regular schedule, and that picking them up and holding them whenever they cried would only teach them to cry more and not to sleep through the night (a notion that borrows from behaviorism). They were told[citation needed] to feed their children on a regular schedule, and that they should not pick them up, kiss them, or hug them, because that would not prepare them to be strong and independent individuals in a harsh world. In contrast Spock encouraged parents to see their children as individuals, and not to apply a one-size-fits all philosophy to them.[citation needed]

My Mum was definitely from the old school with feeding , crying, and probably hugging.

We were left while dad fetched mum from work each evening about 10pm for half an hour or so. The neighbour across the road was supposed to be keeping an ear out but I remember waking up once and crying, shouting for the neighbour through the letterbox, but of course they didn’t hear.

We weren’t hit though.

Yes, my parents use to go out in the evenings leaving us on our own without a babysitter from as long as I can remember. My mum also regularly dropped my brother off to nursery while I was home alone in my first year of life. She didn't hit us, but was very cold and unavailable for emotional support, prides herself in doing the controlled crying, didn't help with school projects or career choices... I only realised how bad a parent she has been when I became a mother myself. I find it very hard to be around her now and never confide in her or want physical contact with her.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

It is whether this contributed to “trauma “ or was “ trauma” in respect of being treated now. I know I can’t change the past . And I do generally still have a fairly close relationship with my parents.but see my other post in Aibu

I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, my sister and I were never left alone in the house at night, there was a babysitter on the rare occasions. However I know that my mum occasionally left me alone in the house to pop down the road to go to the shop ( it was about 5 minutes each way), this was before I started primary school, though she denies that this happened. She used to tell me, that she was locking me in, not to go into the kitchen, not to touch anything and not to answer the door. Also from reception class, my mum used to walk my sister and I up to the bus stop where she would put us on the bus and the driver used to tell us when to get off. My sister would have been in Y3 at the time. The bus used to stop directly outside school. I was smacked on occasion, but never without a very good reason, and it was as a last resort. I was never left outside pubs, but my parents rarely went out in any case.

Mine left me in a holiday apartment in Portugal to stay out at night in the bar. Apartment wasn’t secure and someone broke in and attacked me. I still remember that when we got home they still went to the pub on a Saturday evening leaving me home alone. I was scared anyway being left but being left after what had happened ramped it up somewhat! I was 11 so not really young I suppose. I’m
Not sure what their thought process was though.

i was brought up in a village in east mids. 70's childhood

so much was different

I remember babies and other children were quite rare to find, not as many about. was fussed over A LOT

I would say I’ve pretty much parented the same as my parents , which must be some sort of endorsement , the only thing I’ve done differently to my mum is not nag about doing revision for exams . I’m fairly sure revise was her favourite word for a few years when one or other of us was doing O or A levels .

My parents were strict, this was in the 70s and 80s, but this was about the standards of behaviour expected from us. This wasn't enforced through smacking and beating. We weren't left alone when they went for nights out. I remember them being horrified by a family we met on holiday where mum and dad drove to fancy restaurants where they ate fabulous meals whilst giving the kids a sandwich and telling them to go off and play for a couple of hours. Being a family meant we did things as a family. That said, we went off on our bikes locally and just had to be back by a certain time. We also let ourselves in after school from a relatively young age and mum would be back around an hour after us.

I believe recurring issues in adulthood often stem from how we are treated as children.

Years ago I used to beat myself up thinking Why am I like this? and basically just blaming myself. Then certain things compelled me to reassess my childhood and I realised my issues stemmed from incidents in my childhood. I could then work through it, deal with it, and move on.
What happened to you was more usual in those days but it wasn't right, and is likely to have affected you as an adult.

@WeAreTheHeroes

My parents were strict, this was in the 70s and 80s, but this was about the standards of behaviour expected from us. This wasn't enforced through smacking and beating. We weren't left alone when they went for nights out. I remember them being horrified by a family we met on holiday where mum and dad drove to fancy restaurants where they ate fabulous meals whilst giving the kids a sandwich and telling them to go off and play for a couple of hours. Being a family meant we did things as a family. That said, we went off on our bikes locally and just had to be back by a certain time. We also let ourselves in after school from a relatively young age and mum would be back around an hour after us.

Yes my parents always took me with them - if they couldn't afford for all of us to go to a nice restaurant, we went to a cheaper one. Or if it was a place that wouldn't allow children we didn't go at all.

Our neighbours would often go out for nice meals and leave the kids in the car/in the pub car park, or at home the parents would eat steak when the kids had beans on toast (one tin of beans between 3). My parents were very scathing about this.

I was allowed to play out in the street but only within our cul de sac. Most other children were allowed to walk to the park (15 mins away!) and at primary school were walking to and from alone from the age of 6 or so (I wasn't until I was 10, which most people considered was my mum being overprotective).

My ExP moved house when he was 5 (in the early 70s) to a very large London council estate and remembered within the first week his mum saying 'off you go to play, come back when it's dark'. The expectation was he stayed out all day - from 5! (and with his sibling who is a year younger). On their estate that was pretty common.

We were never left unsupervised.

We were hit with whatever was to hand - rolled up magazines, spoons and, once, a washing up bowl. We were also smacked in what I can only describe as a “flurry”, so never one snack, but between 10-20 stinging smacks.

We also had our heads smacked together and had to sit on the floor with our hands on our heads for about 20 minutes.

I had an 80s upbringing but with parents who were older than most of my peers' so I think they carried forward some values which would have been seen as old school.

My mum worked in a shop on the high street. There was one night per week where she worked until 8pm but dad did the late shift in a factory, starting at 8pm. There would be a 15 minute overlap between him passing mum's shop on his way to work, and her coming out so he just used to drop me on the street and I'd wait for the 15 mins or so outside the shop. This probably started when I was around 5 years old. I was warned not to talk to, nor go away with any strangers and, to be fair, there were always people around so I was to scream for help if anyone tried to force me away from my spot at the shop door. It seem though, looking back, that the onus was very much on me not to get abducted than on my parents to make safer arrangements. It did end when I once sat waiting for over an hour. Apparently there was money missing from the till and the shop owner had kept all staff back to be searched and then called the police. My mum was apparently shaking and crying because she knew I was out on the street but didn't want to tell the police that - unfortunately her behavior just made her look guilty so they kept her for longer. I was packed off to a neighbour's house after that.

In terms of hitting, my mum did hit me frequently and I hated it. She never used any implement though and I was never hit by my dad. We had a well versed narrative that because he was a man and very very strong, and I often made him very very angry, if he were to smack me he might hurt me very badly or possibly kill me. It's utterly chilling, really but I not only accepted this but parroted it to other people (who never really seemed bothered, so maybe they were not as old school as I thought). My cousins (boy and girl) were belted by their dad and I remember thinking they had it much worse than me. I witnessed it happening once and it was utterly horrific. I think I cried more than they did. Then my aunt and uncle had a discussion in front of me about whether I too, was to get the belt. they knew my parents didn't like it but felt all children should be punished equally. My aunt called my mum to discuss and luckily I just ended up being sent to bed without dinner. I still remember the fear though.

I was parented in the 60's and 70's and was never treated in this way OP. neither were my friends. There always seemed to be someone home in the eveings until I was about 10 and Mum became a single parent, so she worked an extra job, but my older sister was there and her neighbour friends kept an eye out for us, and fed us sometimes, always a house to go to if you wanted. That or older kids were sent to babysit in our house.
My Dad tried the pop and crisps outside the pub (well in the kids room actually) Mum gave him hell for it. We weren't rich, council house, Mum worked two jobs, Dad in a factory. But we still had Holidays abroad and weren't hit or spanked.

I was never hit as a child in the 50's era, but my late Mum used to have a small narrow leather belt in a drawer in the kitchen, and she would make sure to tell me now and again, that she would use it on my legs, for any misbehaviour that I might have done, But I was a well behaved and a quite quiet shy girl. Talking to my Mum over the years, and kind of weighing up her own childhood, this kind of maybe punishment, was quite normal in her own childhood, always as a deterrent in older times, but never really used, so a throw back,to how children might have been treated in the old days.

We did though, have neighbours next door in the 50's, and the brute of a Father there. often gave his three young sons, a great body walloping on the back yard, if the kids were naughty. drinking his copious amounts of beer probably made him an angry loony.

Some old style policeman in those helmet hats, who walked the streets in town, very often would drag a,usually boy child,by the ear, and give him a clip round the face, if the child was up to no good in the street., and no messing about, the child would have been taught a lesson..