Please help me sort my life out

[Redrobin5]

Need a hand hold - feeling helpless.

I’m 25F and recently gone through a break up from my long term boyfriend. My mental health has severely declined since then. I started Prozac 5 days ago and am really suffering with the side effects. I feel quite spaced out and not myself.

After graduation I took a year out to go travelling but that didn’t happen because of covid. I applied for grad schemes in London but either didn’t pass the interview or I didn’t go due to lack of self confidence. I got through so many rounds but then just gave up at the last hurdle. I have got an okay job now, but it is not what I want to do long term and I am struggling to do it well with the depression I’ve got. It is also an hours drive away. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea applying, but I wanted a grad job.

The problems I’m dealing with;

• depression - on the ADs but the side effects are awful and I have really bad brain fog/mental blocks.

• career - I’m telling myself to apply to jobs in London like I have always wanted to. I did online tests the other day and failed miserably due to my brain fog. I could easily do them before this.

• home - I never imagined myself living in my home town. I do have some friends here, but I’m having a hard time even socialising at the moment due to feeling so down.

• family - I found out my dad is also severely depressed. He quit his job because he couldn’t deal with it anymore, and is due to start a new one but he feels like he won’t be able to do it. He should have just gone sick in his old job but he was stubborn. He’s worried my mum will leave him and we will lose the house.

So basically there are so many things happening in my life at the moment. I’m feeling really helpless and like the days are passing me by. I keep thinking of the future, and where I could have been by now. I feel i have really ruined myself, and am worried this brain fog will never go. How will I ever get a job I want? Or a house?

anyone?

You have a lot going on - it's hard to see through the fog. AD's sometimes have quite brutal side effects, especially in the early stages. They usually take around 6 weeks to 3 months to help. Are you able to go off sick to get some breathing space?

Ah OP I feel very sorry for you. As pp said, anti-depressants take at around a couple months before they really help and the side effects settle down. So after only 5 days on Prozac, do not give up. Give it time. Of course if 8 weeks in, no change for better, go back and get switched to a different anti-depressant. There will be one that helps.

Don’t feel a failure or blame yourself, there is a large genetic component to who gets depression. It’s mostly inherited like my schizophrenia or bad eyesight or asthma. So it’s an extra card we are dealt at birth and not our fault at all. So be kind to yourself and don’t compare yourself to others or a fictional “best case” you. You’ve graduated and have a job, that is a lot to be rightfully proud of at your age.

Can you access any employee assistance through your current job? Many employers provide free private therapy sessions for employees struggling with depression. It benefits them because it helps the employee before they are so bad they are signed off sick.

In regards to not liking current job due to commute, can you do any of it from home working remotely? If not, contact a recruiting agency in your career field and see about other London based jobs that do allow remote working or even a compressed schedule (ie four 10 hr days).

Life during covid has been tough and alot of people's expectations have been thwarted/delayed by it. It is very tough out there because of circumstances. You feel defeated and lack confidence but maybe you need to take a step back and look at what you do have rather than what you haven't. It might not be perfect but it is a job, you might want to be in London and instead you're in your home town but you have a roof over your head and food on the table. ADs take a while to get going. Use the time to keep yourself active, even just walking with some music you enjoy to keep your pace up every day will help. Eat the right food. Write down 2 things every day you're grateful for, even if its something simple and revisit them, train your brain to get in a more positive mindset. Focus on one or 2 things you can work on to improve or change over the coming months even if it's just your cooking skills. If you're feeling down don't think being in London is the answer to all your prayers, especially until your mood has improved. London can be great but my memories of London were that it can be dog eat dog ruthless, it can be lonely, and it involves long busy commutes which after a while the novelty definitely wears off. I'm not saying don't aim for London but nowhere is perfect. Give yourself time to settle down and feel stronger, don't rush it, it seems you're a little impatient to have everything right and maybe you're just not ready for it just right now. Be kind to yourself, you deserve that.

@Madge55

Life during covid has been tough and alot of people's expectations have been thwarted/delayed by it. It is very tough out there because of circumstances. You feel defeated and lack confidence but maybe you need to take a step back and look at what you do have rather than what you haven't. It might not be perfect but it is a job, you might want to be in London and instead you're in your home town but you have a roof over your head and food on the table. ADs take a while to get going. Use the time to keep yourself active, even just walking with some music you enjoy to keep your pace up every day will help. Eat the right food. Write down 2 things every day you're grateful for, even if its something simple and revisit them, train your brain to get in a more positive mindset. Focus on one or 2 things you can work on to improve or change over the coming months even if it's just your cooking skills. If you're feeling down don't think being in London is the answer to all your prayers, especially until your mood has improved. London can be great but my memories of London were that it can be dog eat dog ruthless, it can be lonely, and it involves long busy commutes which after a while the novelty definitely wears off. I'm not saying don't aim for London but nowhere is perfect. Give yourself time to settle down and feel stronger, don't rush it, it seems you're a little impatient to have everything right and maybe you're just not ready for it just right now. Be kind to yourself, you deserve that.

Yes I agree with this. Depression is really difficult. Small things count for a lot. It actualy sounds to me as if you are doing a lot.

I use a note pad every day, and actually write down everything I've achieved. That is the small things and the bigger things.

Example:
Had breakfast (fruit good)
Chatted to friend on phone
Got to work on time
Had meeting with my boss which went well...
Did my post when I got home.
Paid my gas bill.
Paid the rent.
Listening to the news to inform myself.
and so on...

you may be surprised how much this helps.
If you have a depressed moment in the day, look at the list and you will hopefully get a sense of what you are achieving.

When you are depressed it is easy to feel as if you are not achieving anything.

The list shows you that you are in fact.

@Madge55 yes I believe covid has really contributed to a lot. I just feel if I don’t apply for grad schemes now I can’t again as most say have to have graduated in the last 2 years. But I am not mentally able at the moment to do interviews. I just had so much potential and I’ve threw it away.

I dont profess to know about graduate jobs as I'm healthcare but what I do know is that your potential hasnt disappeared, it is still there and although you're finding it tough at the moment that wont always be the case. Is there anything you can continue to focus on that can keep you in the loop until you feel stronger, something a future employer can look at and see youve kept yourself up to date with ? Covid will probably have moved the goalposts for employers demands too. You are 25 and have alot of life left, life will always be up and down, but unless you become incarcerated you will have other opportunities. You sound very defeated, once you start down a road of looking at the bad all the time it becomes a habit, a well trodden and automatic viewpoint. Take some control back and start forming more positive thought pathways deliberately start small but be persistent.

there is a large genetic component to who gets depression. It’s mostly inherited like my schizophrenia or bad eyesight or asthma. So it’s an extra card we are dealt at birth and not our fault at all

That simply isn't true about depression and I don't think it's helpful to OP as it takes away her autonomy. She's down because of a relationship break up and putting too much pressure on herself regarding her career.

OP - take it from someone who is more than twice your age, you have plenty of time to make a fulfilling life for yourself. Ditch the brain fog inducing ADs and start doing yoga with Adrienne on YouTube, join the gym, do couch to 5k, join a walking group, Parkrun - get your body healthy and you'll start to feel more positive.

Look at Dr Mark Williams Mindfulness videos on YouTube. These are science based exercises to help you retrain your brain to stop negative thoughts overwhelming you.

I'd forget about "grad jobs" and look at entry level jobs in, say, the Civil Service, NHS, University sector, Housing and build a career from there

The Civil Service are recruiting all over the country so there's an opportunity to move away from your hometown if you wish. Manchester or Newcastle are vibrant cities so maybe try them rather than London.

If you've got friends, then get out with them but avoid alcohol for the time being. Are there some gigs you fancy, theatre, exhibitions? Go!

Plan some weekends away - alone if need be. Take your kindle loaded with engrossing books. Subscribe to Audible. And book some holidays. You wanted to travel, you don't need to take a year out, instead a week here, 10 days there and you can have some fabulous experiences.

And ... make sure you do the yoga and practise mindfulness so that when you start to feel overwhelmed (and you will - you're human!) you will have the tools within yourself to calm and reboot (sorry if that sounds like woo but it's true).

Honestly, OP, I'm excited for you.

All the best.

Whatever you do, don't change or stop your medication without the supervision of a doctor.

If your side effects are making your life really hard, go back to the Dr and see if there is an alternative prescription you could take.

Why older women urge younger women to take ADs is beyond me.

Hey OP,

I would not try to do too much until the ADs side effects have settled. Mine took only 2 weeks (of severe side effects) and then I felt so amazing.
Mince that fog has lifted you should hopefully be able to combat your list.

Good luck

[quote Redrobin5]@Madge55 yes I believe covid has really contributed to a lot. I just feel if I don’t apply for grad schemes now I can’t again as most say have to have graduated in the last 2 years. But I am not mentally able at the moment to do interviews. I just had so much potential and I’ve threw it away.[/quote]
OP, I haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to add a bit of encouragement here as I used to work in grad recruitment for many years across different industries. I’m not an expert on this point but am fairly sure that most employers have either now dropped the ‘within two years of graduation’ window or would have to if you requested it. Most no longer care about such a structured timeline or else wouldn’t be allowed to agree to it if asked otherwise because it would invite discrimination issues. I think if there are any you’re interested in then you should apply regardless or else explicitly ask for an exemption.

Your health comes first but you will be in a better place soon. 25 is incredibly young in career terms and you have plenty of time to get to a better place. I’m the meantime try to recognise what you are gaining in your current role that will you an edge when you move to your next.

@Amita
That simply isn't true about depression

Yes it is, per many psychiatrists and psychologists that have treated my DH for depression. Oh, and multiple scientific studies. I disagree and think any information about why you have depression is useful. Especially since OP was literally blaming herself for having it.

med.stanford.edu/depressiongenetics/mddandgenes.html
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6065213/
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24507187/

@AmanitaRubescens

Why older women urge younger women to take ADs is beyond me.

Because the OPs doctor has prescribed them for OPs depression and they do help? We are simply giving advice without overruling an actual doctors prescribed medication.

Honestly @AmanitaRubescens your entire post is a piece of denial about depression. Telling the OP to not take medication prescribed to her by her doctor is really irresponsible advice imho.

I don't think a lot of people felt where they wanted to be after they graduated!

You are still so very young, and you will get there. Sometimes paths to places aren't straight forward and they can take much longer. Looking back on my twenties I was and felt the same, partly due to my mental health and probably having my DD so young! But I wish I understood that sometimes it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. Without the journey we don't learn, we don't have experiences and trials and challenges and this can really build you up for later life. I'm grateful (now!) for all the ugly moments and the crap I went through but at the time I wasn't. I'm still not where I want to 'be' but I know now that it's all apart of it and I will get there eventually.

I'm sorry to hear of your depression it's so difficult. It is beatable, you will get there. Prozac is a heavy drug, maybe if you are struggling its time to try another SSRI? Or stick with it and see if it gets better. Mental health isn't something you wake up one day and it's gone, it takes time to heal.

For the meantime, the best thing you can do is really focus on yourself and looking after you. Try to forgive yourself for not being where you wanted to be in your life, this is more common than you think and obviously nobody could ever predict covid it has ruined and stalled plans for many! The kinder you are to yourself, the quicker you will heal with your depression. Sometimes you just need time. And you do have time, honest

You have a mental illness. So far you're only a few days into a course of treatment (the antidepressants) which take a lot longer to work than that. You have not adjusted your expectations of yourself, so you are expecting yourself to behave as though you are well when you are still ill right now. I would give yourself 2 months for the ADs to take effect, and to just take all pressures off work wise. Just try and find the small pleasures in life again and praise yourself for everything you do. Depression is hard and whilst depressed it's not a good time to be making big life decisions. Also let yourself grieve your ex and go get over the break up. Maybe find some fun things to do that might help your dad too. Get some exercise, do something creative, watch some comedies and try to relax and have some fun if you can. For me the best way out of depression is to let my childlike side out. I play with fidget spinners and do different kinds of puzzles and games, and watch Disney movies and make crazy creations in the kitchen. And I start to get my joy back.

@MultiStorey my dad has always been a positive person. It’s only in the last few weeks he told me he is also depressed. I think I’ve always been this way.

@softplay999 which ones were you on? All I have at the moment are side effects so I hope they work soon.

@Justbecauseofit this journey is a very hard one indeed. Did you get help for your mental health?

@ThePotatoCroquette I’m thinking I don’t have time on my side. Everyone around me is moving on with their lives and I’m stalling.

Honestly @AmanitaRubescens your entire post is a piece of denial about depression. Telling the OP to not take medication prescribed to her by her doctor is really irresponsible advice imho

Far from denial, it's considered advice full of practical steps someone can take to overcome their low mood and persistent negative thoughts. OP's GP doesn't have time to do that, hence the massive ovesubscribing of ADs in this country.

We are pathologizing perfectly normal emotions such as sadness at the break up of a relationship, self doubt about one's career, uncertainty about the future.

It's seductive to think I have depression, I need pills, they will make it go away. Let's hope they do help OP.

Op I just wanted to say please don't be too hard on yourself. You are feeling very raw after your break up and that's natural.

You have absolutely NOT ruined yourself. There are a myriad of ways to reach your goals. Your route may just be a bit more circuitous than others that's all. So breathe! Relax! And take some time to assess your situation strategically.

Fwiw, I think the years 22-27 are very, very hard when you have finished studying and focusing on the theoretical and making the transition to the realities of employment. This is the first time when you are truly independent and its very tough. It is also the period of your life where you are defining who you really are. Much harder than adolescence but it isn't acknowledged as such and people assume you are having "the time of your life" when in reality the early to mid twenties can be full of angst and uncertainty. It is for a lot of people anyway so please don't worry. And it's even harder during a pandemic!

In terms of your career, how about reaching out for support to someone in the job that you want to be doing, rather than your current job? Maybe offer to take someone out for a drink and pick their brains? A female mentor maybe? Most people like to talk about themselves and their career progression.

As for the other issues, give the ads a chance to work and reach out to a student or work based counsellor or even the Samaritans or a friend?

I am really sorry to hear about your dad's depression and I hope he can work through it. I understand you are worried about him, but equally, he is not your responsibility.

In summary op. I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but you are young. It's OK to be not very confident about jobs or training schemes yet. And it's OK to feel shit after a break up. And frustrated about not being able to travel. And lacking in motivation, as many people are, post pandemic.

Many people are struggling so give yourself a break. Good luck to you.

PS And its very important indeed that you don't compare yourselves to others. Keep the faith and just focus on yourself. You do have time on your side! One of my siblings completely retrained and changed careers aged 37! It is wasted energy focusing and comparing yourself to others. Invest that energy in to yourself x

@Redrobin5 sertraline 50mg

[quote Redrobin5]@Justbecauseofit this journey is a very hard one indeed. Did you get help for your mental health?

@ThePotatoCroquette I’m thinking I don’t have time on my side. Everyone around me is moving on with their lives and I’m stalling.[/quote]
I did yes, after finding the right doctor (very important!) who took me seriously. I also realised that a lot of the responsibility relied on myself to get better - a doctor, counsellor, psychiatrist couldn’t fix me, but i could. I know it sounds cliche but I went through everything that I could to put in place (having a one drink limit because I couldn’t cope with how anxious I felt for days after alcohol), went on a self-discovery journey, cut ties with people in my life who made me feel worse, started meditating and even joined a Buddhism centre which played a major role in the inner change I had for accepting my mental illness and learning to forgive myself. Years down the line, I still struggle and I know I always will (bipolar disorder, by my depressive episodes tend to linger!) but it isn’t half as bad with the support I have in place, the right people in your life can make a whole lot of difference and the tools i learnt to look after myself I have these. Now rather than being in despair when I am depressed, I kind of embrace it if that makes sense? Because I am confident that it will not end, everything is temporary and I might as well try and use the time when I am down to really look after myself and use it as fuel to change things I am not happy with. Some of the best times of my life has followed after my depressive episodes because it’s come from me letting go of jobs that didn’t serve me, quitting relationships, being more in nature to improve my mind state etc and although I never ever see this at the time - depression is horrendous - they have all been small blessings.

I remember quitting my job with nothing because I was so very struggling and having regular panic attacks in the bathroom and I was drinking heavily to fix this. One day I was too deep in it to care and I just walked out. No job, no home at the time (long story) I was living in my mums mouldy flat with my child and by leaving it meant I really would have had nothing! The act gave me the biggest sense of relief ever cutting myself out of a toxic situation, I had no money, nothing to do but escape from the house and it ended up with me having 3 months off writing a book, eating healthier as I couldn’t afford lavish crappy meals, minimalising my possessions, finding a job that was better suited and less stressful for me, and with the time midweek exploring some wicked nature places which eventually lead to my current passion in mountain climbing. Having nothing and being at rock bottom was humbling.

It’s cheesy as F but you know that saying “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain?” Well it might look like just another quote on the wall but it’s so true. Depression keeps you down and sometimes you exhaust yourself tirelessly trying to scramble out of a pit that can’t be scrambled out of. Until you have no choice to accept that you ain’t going nowhere and you eventually make camp in that pit, you build yourself a little life until one day you realise it doesn’t feel like a pit anymore!

Sometimes you just need to be there to realise you can rebuild your life, even if it feels like it’s rebuilding it from scratch. It helped me not thinking about the future as it can be daunting, but by taking each day as it came, using each day as a ‘blank page’ of your life- you wake up and you write what you need to write, and do what you need to do. Then before you know it you have wrote a better chapter than you had a few months ago and you are on your way. You will get there OP you really will. You are in the best place now to make the best changes for your life. Your future isn’t ruined because it hasn’t happened yet. I hope this helps some

Life has a habit of throwing a tonne of shit all at once. My life was a mess in my early 20's, with time things did eventually fall into place for me. I'm sure it will for you too but sometimes it does just need time.

Do you have to take a graduate job? Can you just try something easier to start with whilst you're struggling with the other things in your life?