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Original poster

My CM's husband has been arrested for child abuse

38 replies

GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 21:49

He's accused of sending and eliciting explicit photos to/from 14yo girls and she looked after my boys when they were toddlers so I don't really think any harm came to DC but still absolutely shocking.

The CM is an old school friend of mine. We're not especially close but still in touch and this news is all over the local news and FB groups. I just can't begin to imagine what she's going through. Would you send a message of support or leave her to some privacy?

She's a TA at the school close to where she lives now, parents are absolutely up in arms. She has teenage daughters. This is going to be horrendous for her.

OP posts:
QOD · 30/09/2021 21:50

Privacy I guess ? But maybe show support by being ‘normal’ if you see her
God knows what’s the right thing to do

Couchpotato3 · 30/09/2021 21:53

For me it would depend whether she was sticking by him - if so, I'd want nothing to do with her.

Original poster
GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 22:01

@Couchpotato3

For me it would depend whether she was sticking by him - if so, I'd want nothing to do with her.
Yes, good point
OP posts:
Original poster
GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 22:01

Although, he's not guilty yet

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 30/09/2021 22:03

My response would be wholly dependent on whether she chooses to stand by her man. If she does then I’d not speak to her again.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 30/09/2021 22:03

Safeguarding kicks in as well - her school will suspend her if not, most teachers can not be living with someone accused of certain crimes

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 30/09/2021 22:05

Slightly inaccurate title then?

Original poster
GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 22:05

@WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo

Safeguarding kicks in as well - her school will suspend her if not, most teachers can not be living with someone accused of certain crimes
That's not true. The childcare declaration rules were interpreted like that for a while but not now (I was managing this aspect in school when it was introduced, incorrectly, and when it was removed)
OP posts:
Darkautumnmorning · 30/09/2021 22:08

Are you sure about that, @GreatPotato?

But anyway, it seems she isn’t a childminder now.

Original poster
GreatPotato · 30/09/2021 22:09

@Darkautumnmorning

Are you sure about that, *@GreatPotato*?

But anyway, it seems she isn’t a childminder now.

It still applies for childminders but PP suggested it would apply to her role in school, which it doesn't.
OP posts:
Comedycook · 30/09/2021 22:12

I wouldn't contact her

Viviennemary · 30/09/2021 22:15

No. In those circumstances I wouldn't send a messsge of support. She might not appreciate it. If she got in touch with me that would be different .

Akire · 30/09/2021 22:16

Worth sending a message that she can ask if she needs anything. Usually it’s wife and kids left at home that end up being terrorised by local thugs and get windows smashed/stuff sprayed on the wall at the like When the man is long gone. She may l need someone go for few hours or a friendly face.

fabulous01 · 30/09/2021 22:21

This is really hard.

But for reasons I can't post I can appreciate her situation. She is the victim so please message her to check she is ok.
He is the guilty one so comments such as not speaking to her aren't great

But it is very scary how many girls stay with men but hopefully she makes the right decision

And this situation is very common.... and getting worse ....

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 30/09/2021 22:24

Id ask if her and her daughters.ok. She's probably feeling extremely lonely right now.

Her poor daughters will be going through hell in school.. A kind message will mean a lot.

AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2021 22:27

It would depend on whether she is sticking by him. If so then no, I wouldn’t want anything to do with her.

And while I appreciate that he hasn’t been found guilty, there are some crimes where IMO you have to distance yourself as soon as the accusation emerges. In the same way he would be suspended from his job pending investigation/trial so I think it’s perfectly acceptable, expected even, that his wife keep a distance from him and disallow any contact with his children.

If he is found not guilty then obviously she may choose to go back, but while there’s a question mark over his conduct she owes it to herself and her children to keep away from him.

antoniawhite · 30/09/2021 22:29

I would send a message. It might mean the world to her, because she'll find herself shunned by a good many people.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/09/2021 22:38

I would also send a message to see if she is okay.

Honestmary · 30/09/2021 22:40

I would absolutely contact her, she hasn’t done anything wrong and right now I’m assuming she is going through hell with worse to come. She will need all the friends and support she can get

MrsPerfect12 · 30/09/2021 22:47

I would contact her but no questions. Just let her know you are thinking of her

JetBlackSteed · 30/09/2021 22:53

I would send a message. It was him not her.
But not have further contact or support if she stands by him after proof of guilt

ginswinger · 30/09/2021 22:57

Yes I would send a message-if she feels isolated she might think he is the only person she has left and stay with him.

Last year we found out that a childhood friend of mine had been arrested for possession of some terrible images of children, over 200 of them were class A. Whilst I am absolutely sickened by what he has done and want no more to do with him, the rest of his family who we've known for 40 years, were devastated. We did contact them to reassure them and I am glad we did. He has subsequently been convicted and sentenced.

MissCruellaDeVil · 30/09/2021 22:57

I would send a message to check she is okay. It is quite possible she will be suspended, when I completed my DBS it asked if I lived with anyone who has any criminal convictions.

HomewardBound369 · 30/09/2021 23:04

I have been in this situation (changed username to post this). Her life and that of her girls has fallen apart and they will be going through hell. I was so grateful for my friends and colleagues who stood by me and did not judge. Please send her a message of support.

Brainstorm21 · 30/09/2021 23:39

There was a Guardian Today in Focus podcast about this very issue

www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2021/aug/31/the-knock-the-families-torn-apart-by-an-arrest-over-child-abuse-images?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

To all those commenting above I would give it a listen as it may change your perspective.

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