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Original poster

Advice about this situation please?

37 replies

Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 01:33

Feeling a bit too emotional to put this in aibu
Need advice in a what would you do sort of way
Firstly I can’t believe this is getting to me so much- but it is.
So- I’m CV when it comes to covid and all through the lockdowns there used to be an online chat midweek with a group of about 8 folk. Had a great laugh and really felt part of the group.
Since the pubs etc have opened the online chat has moved to the pub on the same night and I’m not socialising indoors as yet.
I had put a message on the WhatsApp group to say I wasn’t keeping that well and if they ever needed a change now and again, I’d love to see them online.
But not one person responded, even with a get well message.
One of the group is having a 40th next week and while I wouldn’t have gone anyway re it being at her house ie indoors, I wasn’t invited. This has hurt me a bit.
Through the lockdowns if there were any of the group struggling, I’d send them a private WhatsApp message to check how they were etc.
Guess I’m just feeling a bit left out and sorry for myself although if it was the other way around, I know I would have said to the group; ‘ let’s do an online chat every couple of months so that x doesn’t feel left out’ etc
It’s also put me off a bit that 3 of them breached restrictions during lockdown ( not a small breach)
So… do I put a nice message on to say I’m coming out the group as I’m not going to pubs at the moment and I hope to see them online if they wish at some point? Or do I stay in the group and hope to meet up in real life at some point in the future.
As I said- this shouldn’t be getting to me but it is..
It’s a mixed group but mainly girls (who were the ones that broke restrictions)
Thanks for reading and any advice much appreciated…

OP posts:
KatyN · 28/09/2021 07:12

I would message one individually and ask for a catch up. Not on the pub night as you’d be making them choose you or the others.
Then they might mention it to the rest of the group but even if they don’t you have one mate to chat with.

Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 08:18

Thanks- I may do that. One of the guys is quieter and I could always message him to meet outdoors or something at some point
Just disappointed that none of them messaged to see how I was etc or replied to the message I put on

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 08:30

Anyone else have advice? Thanks

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2021 08:48

Did you know the group before Covid?

Retrievemysanity · 28/09/2021 08:52

Who are these people? Friends you’ve known for a long time, work colleagues or something else? Sometimes messages can get lost on WhatsApp groups so I can understand why some might have missed it and not replied but it is a bit crappy that no one at all responded. I agree with pp, message the one you get on best with individually and see how it goes. Do you have other friends you see online/outdoors?

AlternativePerspective · 28/09/2021 09:08

Tbh, opening up has changed things for people. When we were in lockdown people haled online communication as this great thing. But in truth, for many it was just a stopgap before face to face communication could resume. And now those people are back in touch with each other in person the online world has ceased to be for them.

Sadly it also happens like this if you have an illness or are not able to go out at any other point. people rarely keep in touch if they don’t get to see you face to face, it’s kind of a human nature thing.

Perhaps contact people one-one rather than keeping to a group, that way those who want to stay in touch will, but you won’t be upset if the group is no more. Iyswim.

PlonkyWillyWonky · 28/09/2021 09:24

I'd be upset too. When you know someone's struggling and are there for them, you don't 'expect' anything back but it's a slap in the face when no-one replies
Or asks about you
I have no answer but I know you are not the only one put in this position
It's extremely hurtful
Take care of yourself @Summertimehello

Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 11:08

Thanks for responding- I’ve known the group since start of 2019. Met through a shared interest.
Just feel really disappointed that no one responded on the group or messaged. They all read the post and in fact there were actually 2 posts where I had to say something similar when they were arranging a pub etc so definitely can’t have been missed. Thanks

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/09/2021 12:28

It's probably just an "out of sight, out of mind" thing - some groups of people can be like that. If you could join them in the pub, you'd still be a valued member of the gang, but they're clearly just so caught up in being able to meet again in person that they're not especially bothering to make you feel included. I would be upset too, particularly as you obviously made such an effort with anyone you felt was struggling during lockdown. I really don't know whether I could be arsed with them in your shoes, tbh.

Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 13:49

Thanks- I’m not sure whether to leave the WhatsApp group as it would seem quite final but at the same time it has been getting me down.
The reason I knew about the 40th was that someone in the group must have posted by mistake about it saying they couldn’t make it - so there’s obviously been a separate chat created for the 40th.
Also- when another member of the group had an injury and needed an urgent procedure done and couldn’t make the pub, they all put a message on for them.
So I do feel left out. Such a shame as I previously had a great laugh with them and felt like an important part of the group

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 18:42

Any more advice please? Thanks 🤞

OP posts:
lifehappened · 28/09/2021 18:49

My advice would be don't leave the group. I've done this before and regretted it, like you say it's very final. I assume you still want to he friends and leaving is a big statement.

That being said, you need to look after your own mental health so maybe mute for a while and text some individually, they're more likely to respond. Even if not to plan anything and just for a chat, you'll feel better when they respond. If they don't then yes sack them off as they're not really friends in that case. Hope you're ok

Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 19:52

Thanks for that response. Yes, I’m thinking I won’t leave just yet but it upsets me a bit when they’re posting photos of themselves in the pub etc
Also I kind of feel a bit pathetic in a way messaging any of them when they didn’t respond to the posts that I wasn’t keeping great.
But yes, I think it’s fair advice not to leave just yet and if it comes to it I will as I know I would be acting differently if it was someone else in the group who couldn’t join. And as I said, I am a bit hurt re the non invite to the party- but of course I couldn’t have gone anyway. Thanks for the advice and any more posts welcome- thanks

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2021 19:58

Doesn’t sound as thought they’re really your friends. Do they know you’re clinically vulnerable? Maybe you could try socialising inside if you’ve had both vaccines; things are going back to normal now- is there a reason you’re not doing it yet? Do you ever envisage going inside socially?

Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 20:12

Yes, my posts on the group specified that I was cv to covid. I will go indoors eventually but feel much safer outside just now

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2021 20:17

When do you think you’ll feel safe going indoors? I can see both sides of this really; they want to meet in person and you’re welcome to go- it’s your choice not to go

annacondom · 28/09/2021 20:20

I think you should stay in the group - things will get better (eventually!). I am in a neighbour' Whatsapp group. I caught Covid last year and have long Covid. I was feeling really shit and not one of them contacted me. I felt invisible and really sorry for myself. When I caught up with them recently they were lovely - concerned, etc. Basically they all had other stuff going on in their lives that I wasn't aware of - one's DH had a heart scare, one had big problems at work. So don't take it to heart, OP, and give one of them a ring to catch up sometime.

SandysMam · 28/09/2021 20:21

I wonder if they made a separate group for the 40th so as not to make you feel left out when chatting about it? And the chat has naturally gone over to this group so they don’t really use the main group anymore?
I’m really sorry you are hurting op, it is probably not about you at all, and they are probably all just working through their own shit. I find the pandemic has had such an impact on people that tolerance for other people’s problems is very low. Not out of spite, just self preservation.
Also Op, I am CEV and had Covid before vaccines and was rough for a few days but mostly fine. Life has to be lived as well so if you find you are completely miserable missing out, try to have a think about whether staying safe is worth it. A life half lived and all that…but obviously totally understand it is personal choice.

Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 20:24

Thanks for more responses. Agree it’s my choice to go or not, apart from the party I wasn’t invited to- but I wouldn’t have been going to that anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertimehello · 28/09/2021 20:30

SandysMan- yes it’s been very quiet on the original group so I think the chat has gone over to the other one but the person who is having the 40th is the same one who is organising the pubs and I wonder if she is enjoying leaving me out or something weird like that. That’s what I’m beginning to think

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/09/2021 20:34

She probably just thought there’s no point inviting you when you’re not going to anything

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/09/2021 20:36

If somebody had made it clear they weren’t wanting to socialise indoors then I wouldn’t keep inviting them to any events which were going to be indoors, because I’d think that doing so would come across as though I hadn’t listened to them or remembered what they’d said.

On the not responding to your group message, these people aren’t your bosom buddies and close friends of many years, but some people you met through a shared interest (which you’re presumably no longer taking part in with them.) Messages from an acquaintance from a hobby group about “not keeping well” and do they want to chat online can come across as you suggesting a bit of a moaning session - and for people who aren’t your close friends, that’s not really an attractive prospect.

I’d stay in the group and wait until you’re ready to join in with real meet ups again, but not rely on them for the things you’d expect of your good friends.

NothingIsWrong · 28/09/2021 20:38

While it was a bit insensitive of no one to at least wish you well, I'm not surprised that no one wants to socialise online now there is an alternative. For me, it was just about OK while there was no alternative but I spend so much time online for work I cannot stand another minute of it once I'm home.

DoThePropeller · 28/09/2021 20:41

That must feel really rubbish, I definitely think you should focus on other friendships.

That said, it must be hard for them to try and maintain your friendship when you aren’t having those shared weekly experiences and there is no timeline of rejoining the group.

Finknottlesnewt · 28/09/2021 21:05

I think it may be to do with the whole CV not socialising inside thing.

Shielding was paused a long time ago and I received an official communication yesterday to say it's officially ended. With this in mind - it's been perfectly acceptable to socialise inside. Now - I'm not saying you have to socialise... BUT your group may feel you are being a bit precious by refusing to join them .

Do you have a specific reason why you won't socialise inside yet ? I would understand- for example - if you were clinically unable to have the vaccination.. and if this is the case you probably need to 'leak' this to one of the group you feel closer to.

However if you are vaccinated then you probably have a choice of choosing to lock yourself away or being brave and going to the pub.