Advice about this situation please?

[Summertimehello]

Feeling a bit too emotional to put this in aibu
Need advice in a what would you do sort of way
Firstly I can’t believe this is getting to me so much- but it is.
So- I’m CV when it comes to covid and all through the lockdowns there used to be an online chat midweek with a group of about 8 folk. Had a great laugh and really felt part of the group.
Since the pubs etc have opened the online chat has moved to the pub on the same night and I’m not socialising indoors as yet.
I had put a message on the WhatsApp group to say I wasn’t keeping that well and if they ever needed a change now and again, I’d love to see them online.
But not one person responded, even with a get well message.
One of the group is having a 40th next week and while I wouldn’t have gone anyway re it being at her house ie indoors, I wasn’t invited. This has hurt me a bit.
Through the lockdowns if there were any of the group struggling, I’d send them a private WhatsApp message to check how they were etc.
Guess I’m just feeling a bit left out and sorry for myself although if it was the other way around, I know I would have said to the group; ‘ let’s do an online chat every couple of months so that x doesn’t feel left out’ etc
It’s also put me off a bit that 3 of them breached restrictions during lockdown ( not a small breach)
So… do I put a nice message on to say I’m coming out the group as I’m not going to pubs at the moment and I hope to see them online if they wish at some point? Or do I stay in the group and hope to meet up in real life at some point in the future.
As I said- this shouldn’t be getting to me but it is..
It’s a mixed group but mainly girls (who were the ones that broke restrictions)
Thanks for reading and any advice much appreciated…

Fink… yes, I can’t get the vaccine for medical reasons- I’m very wary of disclosing this now as I’ve been given a hard time online from someone ( not in that group) as I haven’t had the vaccine.
The person who is having the 40th also asked me this question a while ago and I told the truth and now I’m kicking myself for answering the question as the situation ie not getting included/ invited has become worse.
I’ll probably get abuse now on here for not getting it but I specifically can’t for medical reasons

It won’t be intentional, it’s likely they are caught up in their own issues

I am SURE this is the issue OP. I would be extremely reluctant to socialise with someone who has not been vaccinated.

I think that many people do not understand the difference between Cant . (As in your medical team have told you that your condition is contra-indicated for any of the vaccines) and Won't . (Have made a deliberate decision to refuse and therefore made it more likely that you would contract Covid in a social situation and pass it on to them )

In the first scenario I would still not want to socialise with you in person - but would have utmost sympathy for your position and go out of my way to stay in contact online.

In the second scenario - not only would I not want to socialise with you . Simply because I need to do the best I can to protect myself. (I am also CEV but thankfully vaccinated) but your stance on refusal would put you into a group of people that I would not WANT to socialise with as our view points would be too opposed.

The very best thing you could do is to find one of your group that you are close to and explain that the lack of vaccination is as upsetting to you as it is to the rest of them and that this situation is definitely not your choice .

If they are decent people - you should get a favourable response . If you don't - then honestly they are not the sort of people you should waste your time on !

Mine is can’t- I just feel I’ve lost faith in a lot of people now. I did explain to the one who’s having the party when she asked a while ago and now I wish I hadn’t as I’m just excluded even more.
I live on my own and only socialise outside so I’m far less risky than the rest.
I guess I’ll eventually come out the group then as no one has made the effort to stay in touch online
Just feel v. down about it all

Folks, I hope you can give me just another bit of advice- they are now mentioning the 40th on the main group. I’ll feel pretty crap if they put pictures up tomorrow- which they probably will.
I did put about an online chat a few days ago but most folk didn’t respond so it didn’t happen.
If I do leave the group and put a message on- how can I keep my dignity- will I just say that I can’t be included in real life just now so if anyone can message me if there’s anything going on online that would be good but since I can’t attend real life, I’ll come out the group? Or something?
Btw I’m 90% sure it’s not due to me not being able to be vaccinated- I think it’s just that the girls aren’t so nice to me but the guys didn’t respond much either as above. Please help! thanks

I would mute the group chat for the time being.

I don't think these people are being deliberately mean, just that they have moved on now that they can meet in person. Being online friends is only ever a substitute for real life friends, and a poor one at that.

Were the group not able to meet outside when the weather was nice? Could you have gone along to those meetings?

Im not sure that saying you're leaving the group is going to elicit the response you're probably hoping for if your requests for a chat have gone unanswered. I think really you need to arrange an in person event you would be happy to attend, ie outside which will be more tricky now the weather is turning, or you need to accept these aren't the friends you thought they were.

I really do understand how hurtful it is to feel like you're being purposefully excluded - like a little stab in the heart every time you see something you're not invited to. Honestly though like others have said - online socialising was fun when it first started but now people can meet face to face again they're not as into it and the dynamic has changed.

Ultimately though, I think if you keep saying no to what they have arranged eventually they'll stop asking which is why I think you need to arrange something you are happier with - a beer garden with patio heaters? A restaurant with strict covid regulations still in place?

Thanks- now that I’m happy to meet outside, I guess I could go to an outdoor event but since the pubs have re-opened indoors, the group are loving going indoors to pubs.
Yes, maybe I’ll effectively mute the group and just not read any posts at the weekend and therefore not look at any pictures.
The outdoor stuff might be trickier as the weather is worsening as above but I could maybe offer to meet the quieter guy outside initially first or something and then eventually the weather will turn again.
I guess I just thought that the girl who’s having the 40th would at least have messaged me saying I was welcome but she knows it’s prob not possible or something.

I can understand why it feel hurtful, but you’ve told them you don’t want to socialise indoors and I don’t think you can expect people to creep around hiding and not talking about the fact that they’re meeting indoors.

I agree with WhoWearsShortShorts about suggesting a venue would be comfortable with, like a covered beer garden. And perhaps you also need to focus on finding a different online community, perhaps one where staying indoors is still the norm for most of its members. Online chats were a way for people to connect with others and keep in contact when we were prohibited from meeting our friends or socialising in real life. Now that that phase has passed, they aren’t coming back, they were a poor substitute for real life contact and unless the person wanting one is a very good friend they really want to speak to, few people are interested in having them. You’re just hobby acquaintances in this group, and they clearly don’t want to specifically make an effort to have a Zoom call they wouldn’t otherwise.

I’d just mute the group so you don’t get message notifications and then unmute it again when you’ve decided you feel ready to begin socialising properly again. That way you don’t get FOMO and you haven’t completely lost touch with all the members - because if you leave the group, they aren’t suddenly in a few months’ time going to remember you and invite you back into it.

Mute the group chat and try to focus on other stuff this weekend. They’re not including you so don’t give them too much more headspace

Honestly declaring you’re leaving sounds like attention seeking. Your pissed they are now meeting in person and stopped chatting on line so want them to react to you saying you will go.

Just mute it. There’s no need to declare you want to leave.

I know exactly how you feel. I have health problems and covid actually make society far more accessible to me. Now it's going back to normal (ish) and I've been left behind again.

I think you need to accept that this group of people aren't the kind of friends who will be there for you when times are hard. They sound like fun time friends and that's OK but you need to drop the bar of expectations.

Mute the group, don't go on it until the 40th is over (I'd probably just privately message the person to wish them a happy birthday). When you're able to go out more then check back in with them.

I dont blame you for feeling hurt.