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Original poster

I've just found out my close friend is close friends with the accomplice to my brothers attempted murder

37 replies

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/09/2021 10:07

And I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Without giving away too many identifiable details, the accomplice caused a distraction so the actual attacker could murder my brother. Thankfully my brother survived but only just, it's a miracle that he did. He had many stab wounds and both his lungs collapsed.

I'm not sure if my friend knows what this guy did, he's only been friends with him a couple of years and my brothers attack was 8 years ago. He didn't get charged with anything, just questioned and let go.

I have very vivid memories of sitting next to my mum in the ICU, of her holding his hand and telling him it was okay to let go and stop fighting if he was too tired to carry on.

I don't know whether to feel pity for this guy, as he is actually the attackers younger brother and was 15 at the time, he was probably just doing what his brother told him to do, maybe he didn't know what was actually going to happen. But then again, maybe he DID know?!

I have no idea. What would you feel if this were you? What would you do, if anything?

OP posts:
Suitcaseseverywhere · 27/09/2021 10:10

I would tell your friend.

Suitcaseseverywhere · 27/09/2021 10:10

I’m sorry about your brother x

NightVinca · 27/09/2021 10:12

It's possible he didn't know what he was doing. Maybe that's why he was let go. Not necessarily the case though. You could speak to your friend about it. What an awful thing to happen Flowers

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 27/09/2021 10:13

I would tell the friend and probably not be friends with them if they continued the friendship because it's unlikely you will ever know whether they really were malicious or dragged along.

It sounds awful what they did to your brother and what your family went through.

GoWalkabout · 27/09/2021 10:13

I think you should tell your friend what you have told us x

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 10:13

I would tell your friend and distance yourself from them if they continue to keep their friendship with the other person.

I'm so glad your brother is ok Thanks

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/09/2021 10:18

I would calmly explain the connection that you now know exists, without judgement or expectation of any particular reaction (like you have here), and if the link is too raw for you (sharing a friend with the accomplice is a big deal), explain that regretfully you will need to take a step back from the relationship, that you don't want them to have to choose between you so you are bowing out. This is perfectly reasonable, you didn't get justice for what the accomplice did and presumable they haven't said sorry and asked for forgiveness so that act stands between you and taints this relationship.

Weatherwax13 · 27/09/2021 10:21

I would tell your friend, who may be completely unaware. If that's the case, I'd expect him to immediately stops contact with this man when you tell him.
If he already knows, or doesn't stop contact, I'd have nothing more to do with him. You don't need further trauma after what you've been through.

SoundAndVisions · 27/09/2021 10:22

Just to echo the other posters here OP. Tell your friend and hear what he has to say before deciding on whether to end the friendship

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/09/2021 10:26

I fully believe my friend doesn't know, he is the nicest guy and actually, he's probably my oldest friend now. He's certainly the only person from my school years that I keep in contact with and see regularly. He knows what we went through back then. But the accomplice is part of my friends other big friendship group so I don't want to make things awkward for him with the others.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 27/09/2021 10:30

I would tell your friend, but I would then step back from the friendship.

As much as people say that the friend should immediately stop contact, I think there are things which need to be considered here.

Firstly, this happened when he was 15, and for whatever reason he wasn’t sentenced. There will have been a reason for this, a 14 year old has just this week been sentenced for being an accomplice in a murder, so if he was never sentenced then it’s fair to assume that it wasn’t premeditated or even that he knew what he was doing.

Secondly, he was 15. He’s now 23. We have no idea what kind of person he is now compared to then. If he’d committed this act as an adult then I would say it was simple, but he wasn’t. He was still a child in the eyes of the law, and although he was of an age to potentially have known what he was doing, we all know that 15 year olds are easily led, and that it’s entirely possible that he didn’t actually know the reason for doing what he did. Iyswim.

It stands to reason that he himself won’t have told people what happened all those years ago. He may in fact carry guilt for what happened, but even if not, it’s not the kind of thing you’re going to broadcast about yourself.

From a personal perspective I wouldn’t want any more to do with him, and I can totally see the OP’s viewpoint here given her experience. But neither would I want to harbour expectations of others to do as I feel should be done, because humans are complex, and what one sees as unforgivable is different in the eyes of another.

So I would just tel him what I knew and would then just leave it at that.

Gncq · 27/09/2021 10:38

Holy crap I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from giving this friend of yours a piece of my mind and let him know exactly what type of people he's associating with.

He's mates with someone who's bother tried to murder your brother!

Tell him to choose between you I would. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/09/2021 10:42

@HeartsAndClubs

I would tell your friend, but I would then step back from the friendship.

As much as people say that the friend should immediately stop contact, I think there are things which need to be considered here.

Firstly, this happened when he was 15, and for whatever reason he wasn’t sentenced. There will have been a reason for this, a 14 year old has just this week been sentenced for being an accomplice in a murder, so if he was never sentenced then it’s fair to assume that it wasn’t premeditated or even that he knew what he was doing.

Secondly, he was 15. He’s now 23. We have no idea what kind of person he is now compared to then. If he’d committed this act as an adult then I would say it was simple, but he wasn’t. He was still a child in the eyes of the law, and although he was of an age to potentially have known what he was doing, we all know that 15 year olds are easily led, and that it’s entirely possible that he didn’t actually know the reason for doing what he did. Iyswim.

It stands to reason that he himself won’t have told people what happened all those years ago. He may in fact carry guilt for what happened, but even if not, it’s not the kind of thing you’re going to broadcast about yourself.

From a personal perspective I wouldn’t want any more to do with him, and I can totally see the OP’s viewpoint here given her experience. But neither would I want to harbour expectations of others to do as I feel should be done, because humans are complex, and what one sees as unforgivable is different in the eyes of another.

So I would just tel him what I knew and would then just leave it at that.

That's exactly how I feel about it, you just put it far better than I ever could. The attack itself was definitely premeditated, he even warned my brother he would kill him, my brother just laughed it off because the attacker had never even so much as been in a fight, he wasn't known for being violent. But whether the 15yr old knew what was going to happen or not, I don't know.
OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 27/09/2021 10:57

Holy crap I wouldn't be able to restrain myself from giving this friend of yours a piece of my mind and let him know exactly what type of people he's associating with.
So, even though he likely doesn’t know, you think that it’s perfectly ok to lay into someone purely because he happens to know someone with a past?

Newsflash, we all have a past. Some are less savoury than others, but everyone will have done something in their past which others will disapprove of. And really, if this bloke doesn’t know, why should he deserve to be “lain into” to be told?

He's mates with someone who's bother tried to murder your brother!
And again, if he doesn’t know, how is that his fault?

Tell him to choose between you I would. I wouldn't be able to look at him.
Well, I think that going in all guns blazing like that would make it pretty easy for him to choose, and it’s unlikely it would be the choice you think it would.

Bookmark

HeartsAndClubs · 27/09/2021 10:59

@ AintNobodyHereButUsChickens what happened to the attacker?

Bollindger · 27/09/2021 11:05

Could it the the person was used by his brother?
That it altered this person's life and they just want to forget it ever happened.
So you tell your friend, and he tells someone and by the time a week is out , this guy who changed kills himself.
Just remember you did that.

You don't see this person, so why are you going to stir up a hornets nest?
Remember your brother may not wish for this to become the talk of the town again.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/09/2021 11:21

@HeartsAndClubs

@ AintNobodyHereButUsChickens what happened to the attacker?
He was arrested almost straight away, told the police he would "Finish the job" when he got out of prison and was given 16 years inside, then will be on licence for several years afterwards, until 2034 I believe.
OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 27/09/2021 11:30

Well, given the sentence the attacker was given I would say that there is certainly more to the reason why his brother wasn’t even charged much less sentenced.

While I wouldn’t quite lay on the guilt in the same way PP before your last post has done, I do sort of agree that given you’re not likely to see this guy ever again, bringing it up might not achieve anything.

How did you find out that your friend is in the same friendship group as he is?

YVEG · 27/09/2021 11:45

Hi, I am sorry that you and your family had such a traumatic experience and that this recent revelation has caused you in part to relive it, so many years on.
I was the victim of a crime: bigamy, and my ex's husbands family were complicit in his deceit and his betrayal because of the lies he had told them to enable them to invest in his duplicitous life. Now I know the truth of what took place I no longer judge them as they too were gaslighted and manipulated by him, and were also victims. He was 100% responsible for the emotional, psychological and financial devastation caused to myself and my children.
I share this story because you question the appropriateness of your close friendship with the brother of the perpetrator of the violent crime against your own brother. You have described this man to be your closest friend, you must trust him, confide in him, welcome his support, laugh with him and enjoy his company. Ask yourself if he could really have acted at age 15, in the way that you so fear, given all of his traits that have led you to such a caring relationship?
Please, never underestimate the power of coercion and manipulation even against those that you claim to love the most, such as brotherly love, or the disregard for the consequences and impact on the lives these individuals set out to harm: I doubt the perpetrator ever considered how his actions would affect his brother when he asked him to do whatever he did to aid his crime.
Trust yourself, you would never have invested in this friendship if you did not care for and respect this young man. I suggest you talk this situation through together, you are best friends and are in the unique position of being able to support each other. Try hard not to loose a treasured friend due to the despicable actions of his brother. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 27/09/2021 11:46

My friend often talks about his other group of friends, and I saw he was tagged in a post on Facebook by someone with the same name as the accomplice. I thought that was a funny coincidence so I clicked on this guys profile and saw who he is.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/09/2021 11:53

@HeartsAndClubs

I would tell your friend, but I would then step back from the friendship.

As much as people say that the friend should immediately stop contact, I think there are things which need to be considered here.

Firstly, this happened when he was 15, and for whatever reason he wasn’t sentenced. There will have been a reason for this, a 14 year old has just this week been sentenced for being an accomplice in a murder, so if he was never sentenced then it’s fair to assume that it wasn’t premeditated or even that he knew what he was doing.

Secondly, he was 15. He’s now 23. We have no idea what kind of person he is now compared to then. If he’d committed this act as an adult then I would say it was simple, but he wasn’t. He was still a child in the eyes of the law, and although he was of an age to potentially have known what he was doing, we all know that 15 year olds are easily led, and that it’s entirely possible that he didn’t actually know the reason for doing what he did. Iyswim.

It stands to reason that he himself won’t have told people what happened all those years ago. He may in fact carry guilt for what happened, but even if not, it’s not the kind of thing you’re going to broadcast about yourself.

From a personal perspective I wouldn’t want any more to do with him, and I can totally see the OP’s viewpoint here given her experience. But neither would I want to harbour expectations of others to do as I feel should be done, because humans are complex, and what one sees as unforgivable is different in the eyes of another.

So I would just tel him what I knew and would then just leave it at that.

I think you are right it would be a mistake to make this public. OP I think you need to gauge your friendship and decide if you could confide, to give your friend the opportunity to be discrete at least, so he doesn't inadvertently invite you to the same thing as the accomplice for instance. Or so he can just not bring his name up in conversation. It wouldn't be fair on anyone in that friendship group to put a cat among the pidgeons, especially as you say, his motives at the time and how he feels about it now are unknown. You can ask your friend to respect your feelings without publically outing the accomplice and making things awkward for your friend and this group.
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/09/2021 11:55

YVEG the close friend is not the accomplice, OP's close friend is friends with the accomplice (brother of would-be murderer).

YVEG · 27/09/2021 12:07

Thanks, CleopatrasBeautifulNose for the correction on my misunderstanding. However, the same sentiment still stands, the power of manipulation and coercion should never be underestimated. An honest discussion between two good friends is the way frorward

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 27/09/2021 13:00

definitely.

Underamour · 27/09/2021 14:00

A few things here

  1. Does seeing him trigger you?
  2. After a clear and continued threat of murder in the future is the brother keeping an eye on you and feeding information back to the attacker?
  3. how is your brother now?

I would tell the friend everything and ask him to not ever discuss you or pass information about you or your family to anyone in this group. Everyone has said he was probably scared and intimidated. Equally he could have felt tough and have a continued loyalty to his brother. It’s not safe to assume everything is lovely. Don’t relax too much.

I find it hard to be around the people who betrayed me and led to me nearly dying. The trust us gone and can never be restored. There aren’t any words that would make it OK.