Simple plans made complicated by others

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My main group of friends seem unable to just go with a plan. Everyone has to throw their ideas into the mix and then the whole thing becomes unworkable because they are then pissed of if their suggestion can’t be accommodated. But they don’t want to accommodate other suggestions and neither do they want to get involved in the extra planning that their idea creates.

Drives me insane.

This applies to anything. Play dates, meals, weekends away.

Actually makes me think it’s a strategy to make the whole thing not happen. I often wonder if it’s because we’re not really that bothered anymore, and if we were, it would all be straightforward and easy.

Yep. Been there. Some people just never want to do anything.

I know some people like this. If you say "hey, we're going to XYZ at 6pm, would you like to come?" they'll say yes but, actually, please could we go to ABC instead and make it 4pm because {reasons}.

It’s all very odd. When it’s all hypothetical everyone is keen with “let me know the plan” and then when you let them know the plan, it falls apart.

Everyone is soooooooo busy yet wastes so much time discussing the potential variations, it doesn’t make sense. And FGS if you don’t want to come just say you’re out. The beating around the bush is ridiculous.

Another one in the group feels the same, it’s not just me.

That’s it exactly @CruCru.

Then a million WhatsApp messages later and still no one is aligned.

It really taints the whole plan for me. That much hassle just doesn’t feel worth it.

I hate this!! I am in a group where there are a bunch of people like this, but also a bunch of us who are not. Consequently those of us who are actually arsed over time have become much closer and sort of a mini group within a group too almost.

@CruCru

I know some people like this. If you say "hey, we're going to XYZ at 6pm, would you like to come?" they'll say yes but, actually, please could we go to ABC instead and make it 4pm because {reasons}.

There's a woman like that in my wider friendship group, and she drives me nuts! Wherever we all plan to meet, or whatever we plan to do, she always wants to go elsewhere or do something else as she went there last week, or doesn't like the food there, or is going there next week with other friends. There's always something. Then there's the time, always tweaking the time to suit her then she's fucking late anyway. She's very selfish and self absorbed. I've started not being as keen to bend over backwards for her lately and I've noticed others in our friendship group have been the same.

This thread has given me a flashback to standing in the Blockbuster arguing over which film to get for so long you don't have time to watch it in the end.

But that's what it's like now, with plans to do anything.

One to one is generally ok. Seems to be the group plans that get complicated. Which of course is natural when there’s more people involved, but it’s like it has to be everyone’s dream event. So then of course it’s impossible.

Beginning to wonder why I bother.

I usually meet people one to one most of the time these days. Like you say, it's less complicated than a group situation.

@CruCru

I know some people like this. If you say "hey, we're going to XYZ at 6pm, would you like to come?" they'll say yes but, actually, please could we go to ABC instead and make it 4pm because {reasons}.

I hate this too!

I know someone who always does this and I’ve just started saying ‘no, we’re doing ‘plan a’ but if that doesn’t work for you no worries I’ll see you another time’.

I can’t stand all the faffing about, and unless it doesn’t work for anyone else I try and just stick with the original plan.

Thing is, it’s not just one person. It’s everyone. And it’s like this the default for all our conversations. There is no point saying “I’m going here at X time” and being direct about it because then it won’t suit someone and then there’s side messages about so-and-so feeling left out… or even worse… parallel plans being hatched just to really make it a mess. So you have to enter into it carefully “I was thinking we could do x maybe, what do you think?” but it’s bloody futile.

As an inherent people-pleaser I find it incredibly stressful.

Eugh I have this in 2 friendship groups and at work where I often have to arrange events. A squillion WhatsApp’s or emails about Travelcards and nearest train stations (not interested, you’re on working time and expenses) or very specific sleeping arrangements- book it yourself then and I now officially have no more fucks to give.
“Let me know by X if you want to do Y it costs Z and we’re meeting at St Pancras.
TBF, and arguing against myself, Covid has made people rightly wary of investing time energy and money into planning.

Honestly I feel like it’s a sign that our friendships just aren’t that strong anymore.

It should be automatic with a smile, not debate-inducing with people inserting smileys to make their messages look more light hearted than they really meant.

Is it to do with WhatsApp etc as before all those means of contact someone made a plan fairly well in advance, settled on a time and that was it. But now the opportunity to discuss it over and back lends itself to opinions which is a pain. I saw this with my teens. When l was that age we planned in school what we would do when where. Fixed plan. But with mine it kept changing. I would say: l thought l was dropping you at 6..no change of plan..its now 7.30 etc. I think it makes insecure kids more insecure as they now begin to worry they are not wanted.
Give me the secure plan any day and l do notice with my age group..60's we still stick to firm plan out of habit.
Some people just have to have a bit of control so immediately pop in with a little change of time etc on WhatsApp. No!!! Come at time already suggested!!!

I would say arrange something, say your doing it, and do it.

Other's welcome if they wish.

Not great if you end up doing things alone but easier than the constant discussion.

@CruCru

I know some people like this. If you say "hey, we're going to XYZ at 6pm, would you like to come?" they'll say yes but, actually, please could we go to ABC instead and make it 4pm because {reasons}.

Maybe better to be more assertive?; make a plan with one other from the group and then say to everyone else "me & A have arranged to go to XYZ at 6pm and we'd love you to join us"

I was thinking we could do x maybe, what do you think?”

If, maybe, what do you think? invites faffing. Don't.
"Hi all, I'm going to x on Saturday at 11am. Will be going in at the y entrance in case anyone wants to join me". "Really keen to try the new cafe on z street. I've got Thursday afternoon off. Anyone else wanna come?"
If it all doesn't suit, go on your own. And in return, any other time if anyone else makes a suggestion that you want to do, with a time that you can do even if it's not the perfect time for you, say "yes sounds great, see you then!!" to "fix" the time with weight of numbers.

I hate this. It's one of my main frustrations. At work as well. There are always people who have multiple vague hypothetical problems and no solutions.

Has helped me though to read people a bit better. I now understand that people who often allude to vague potential problems are hard work!

DSis does this all the time. Literally, every arrangement. She’d moved Christmas if she could, just to exert some control.

And if any of the "nobodylovesme" people says "I can only do Wednesday" with a sadface, say "Sorry can't do that day but you can report back and let us know if it's any good". Remember to sprinkle a few heart emojis at the video of baby nobodylovesme squashing spaghetti into his ear round the rest of the convo or How's your granny's bunion? or whatever else they had talked about in the group if you want to deflect any unfair accusations of being Queen Bitch.

You need to phrase it differently I think - if you can get one friend on board with definitely doing something at a fixed time, then as PP put, just say "we're doing X at Y, who'd like to join us?" and then not change a single thing.
We have a system where one person arranges something and then you decide whether you want to go along or not. Anyone can arrange it, and it can be anything and at any time, so nobody is ever left out iyswim. It works much much better than opening with "I was thinking we could do x maybe, what do you think" - that is just inviting different plans and opinions.

With a big group you also have to make it clear that often not everything will work for everyone and you’ll have to go with the majority.

I have a group of friends I used to work with and it’s near impossible to get us all on the same date so I started dropping that in, and now when we meet we go with the majority & remind everyone we’ll meet again soon.

This is the worst!! Can you make xxx time at yyy place, we’re all going?

‘Yes!! But can we make it zzz time at town aaa (20 miles away) because reasons..’

No. Your answer, was No, you cannot make it.

Oh god yeah. I get this. So annoying.
And also the people who say they don't want to do something (or any organising) but don't come up with an alternative and/or expect you to come up with multiple other options for them to review and give their seal of approval.
Just no. You're not the queen. Just say yes or no fgs.

I have just stepped out of the last meet up gorup I was in for much the same reasons. Arrange something brilliant and nope... reasons... reasons...

So, having tried to arrange a fabric swap in the village hall, at very little cost and the last one was great fun - we got our money back and managed a donation to a local charity - I got sick of 'reasons' and flounced with "I can see this has got very complicated. I'll sort something else out" and left the group completely. One friend has been sending me the outraged ongoing replies

Sod them. I've already agreed with the hall manager how we will continue with the original date. I can't be arsed witht the drama!