How can I stop being a gossip?

[Lesserspottedmama]

I often find myself talking about friends about other friends/acquaintances behind their backs. I hate it so much and sometimes I think I’ve broken the habit but then I find myself having done it again and I always feel so awful about it, it’s a terrible feeling. I have occasionally lost friends and had fall outs over indiscretions in the past and live in fear of it happening again. I find gossiping distasteful in others so why can’t I stop? It’s not as if I don’t have more interesting things to talk about, I do. I grew up in a gossipy family, developed the habit early and never have seemed to be able to the kick it for long.

*That should read: ‘I often find myself talking TO friends about other friends’

Most people have a conscience that stops then being unkind to their friends. If you worry more about their feelings, you won't have to worry about losing friendships.

I have this exact problem and am trying to sort it too. I have found asking the other person loads of questions tends to work and help me keep off gossipy topics!! Just, how's work, how's DH/D/S, what you having for tea, have you watched ... etc. It's a hard habit to break but acknowledging and trying to move away from it is the first (and hardest) step!

Think how you would feel if people gossiped about you, I mean personal stuff.

I grew up in a gossipy family, or at least my mother was. Never was there a nosier woman on this planet and she blew everything out of all proportion.

Consequently, since I grew up I have never, ever gossiped about anyone and if I have nothing good to say about someone, I say nothing.

It’s so hard to stop. It’s not like I’m going around saying unkind things about people. But I am talking about people’s lives and doings which is not the person I want to be, I have my own interests, passions, hobbies, career, family, worries and plans - I shouldn’t want to spend time picking over who said this and who is struggling and who has got the hump with so and so. When I go home I feel full of self loathing and wonder what people must think. I will try asking more questions, I think years of sleep deprivation with babies has affected my conversation skills somewhat. Thank you for the solidarity in sharing you struggle with this also.

Just stop talking about other people who aren't there with you and concentrate on who are you with?

@Plumtree391 you are 100% right, I need to change.

When you open up a gossip topic, shut it down again! Say “oops I didn’t mean to gossip!” And change the subject.

I’ve noticed gossip happens when there’s a lull in the conversation, it’s a kind of gap filler. If you find that too, make sure you have things you enjoy talking about that are energising and interesting to you so you don’t fall into the old habit!

@Megistotherium thank you, that’s good advice. I feel like it starts by the other person saying ‘have you heard from X/ how is C/ seen M lately?’ and then I seem to begin gossiping and the horror of awareness kicks in too late

I'm similar. Just today I met a neighbour and practically the 1st words out were " and no 4 are after buying a new house and moving to Pontypandy"

I hate this side of myself

I think it’s human nature and as long as it isn’t malicious can be a way of bonding with people. I suppose the problem is if it’s your only topic of conversation. Maybe, try and think about other things to talk about?

Actually..what is the difference between sharing news about shared friends/acquaintances and gossip?

Sharing news = normal.

Gossip = judgements/ assumptions/ speculations?

@Wheelerdeeler

I'm similar. Just today I met a neighbour and practically the 1st words out were " and no 4 are after buying a new house and moving to Pontypandy"

I hate this side of myself

whats wrong with that?

if youre not being mean about people or judgy and youre not telling private stuff then I dont think talking about people to your friends is that bad. It really does depend how its done

I mean this gently but it might not be th person you wish to be but it’s who you are.

If you really wished to stop it you would. You clearly enjoy talking about people,

I do talk about lots of other things. It seems to happen after we’ve already discussed many other things and there is a lull, as someone said above. @Taoneusa yes judgement and speculation is present sometimes and this needs to change, I loathe it!

As Eleanor Roosevelt said...

I ‘gossip’ about acquaintances with friends but never gossip about friends with other friends. Is that what you mean?

I find it helps to stick the the rule that if you wouldn't say it in front of them, don't say it about them.

I wouldn't say I'm malicious, but I have over the years found myself talking about other people and then feeling ashamed of myself. Like someone else said sometimes as a bit of a filler - I am very awkward (am awaiting assessment as an adult for autism, actually) and I find small talk really hard! I also find it hard not to just say what I'm thinking about a situation or speak rather bluntly the truth. Nothing deliberately nasty, but when I think about it I wouldn't want other people to do it about me.

We had a situation the other week with the other mums in my child's class at school. Four of us have children in an after school activity and we're chatting waiting for them to finish and one of the others brought up another child in the class who, to put it politely, is a fucking nightmare. The mum is really nice though and she's been talking to me after drop off about how much they've been struggling with the child - and I went back in my head to 'how would I feel if she overheard me having this conversation?' Not good, I decided, she'd be upset and hurt.

So I just said I didn't think we should chat about other people's children really, and changed the subject.

So. If you feel like you'd be mortified for them to overhear you or be told what you'd said, then zip it. If you/they wouldn't care, then it's not gossip it's just conversation isn't it.

@Branleuse not mean as such but passing judgement and speculating, it always feels wrong afterwards and as if I’ve let myself down. I would be embarrassed if the people I was discussing knew.

I love gossiping, you just have to know the right people to gossip to.

@@toolazytothinkofausername I think I need that written on my hand or something!

I know I can fall into this habit. Another brought up in a gossipy family, I’ll hear words coming out of my mouth and think WTF am I saying that for? I find I do it more with my parents (old habits) and as someone else said, when there’s a lull in conversation. Also noticed it more in deepest darkest lockdown, when I guess there wasn’t much to talk about generally! I’m trying to be more conscious of it and arm myself with other topics of conversation beforehand.

@playinginashadow that is helpful advise thank you. I feel so much shame afterwards that it feels like self harm/ self sabotage.

If people gossip with you they will do it about you.