How can I stop being a gossip?

[Lesserspottedmama]

I often find myself talking about friends about other friends/acquaintances behind their backs. I hate it so much and sometimes I think I’ve broken the habit but then I find myself having done it again and I always feel so awful about it, it’s a terrible feeling. I have occasionally lost friends and had fall outs over indiscretions in the past and live in fear of it happening again. I find gossiping distasteful in others so why can’t I stop? It’s not as if I don’t have more interesting things to talk about, I do. I grew up in a gossipy family, developed the habit early and never have seemed to be able to the kick it for long.

Glad I'm not in your circle.

Totally normal and human. I also think it's addictive so that's why it's hard to stop. You get a little buzz from it but you know the low that follows isn't worth it.

Just pause before you speak.

Nah, I don't believe that Phoenix
My daughter and closest friends for many years wouldn't.

I hope not for your sake ISpy, I have seen it happen and it is usually a very painful lesson for those involved.

No, I don't think so.

I imagine people would have very little to talk about if they didn't talk about others, so as long as it's not done in a nasty way I think it's fine. Every evening I go for a walk with my husband and I talk about/ offload the annoying things my work colleagues have done, as well as the good things. Is that gossiping ? We'd have nothing to talk about and life would be very boring if we didn't talk about others. Virtually everyone I know talks about others.

OP talks about her friend, the people she's supposed to care about and be loyal to, not the same as moaning about people who annoy you at work to a third party.

@NigellaSeed not habitually but I have done very occasionally and that’s when I feel the worst of course, even then I’m not divulging secrets or anything, I can keep confidences and I don’t say out and out nasty things. Generally it’s acquaintances I gossip about.

Think on how you’d feel being on the receiving end of gossip. We’ve lived where we do for over 30 years. Someone new moved into a house near me and felt the need to mention at the school gates that my DH left the house late at night and was rarely home, she made a little remark that perhaps he was conducting some sort of illicit affair as she’d seen him dropping a woman off before coming home at 7am. She appeared to have forgotten how long we’ve lived here.... She also clearly never thought this would get back to my ears, which of course it did within half an hour of her saying it. People that knew me smiled and nodded when she come out with this little nugget of “gossip”. I took great pleasure in walking past the school at pick up that day and asked her why she thought my DH was having an affair. Her face went numerous different colours. She ended up with a massive bit of egg on her face when I said he was Mountain Rescue and the woman he’d dropped off was my friend who was also mountain rescue. She clearly knew nothing about us yet felt the need to embellish some facts.

Gossiping is awful and it’s not something that I would ever involve myself with.

It’s not for lack of other things to talk about or for the sheer enjoyment of talking about others. I don’t seem to have learnt that discernment/guardedness/deliberation when asked about something. If someone asks me about a mutual acquaintance or they come up in conversation I just seem to blurt out whatever I’ve heard from other people, I would like to develop the habit of resisting the temptation to pass on information of this sort and just give a noncommittal/discreet answer. Even with my own business I often tend to say too much and then have a vulnerability hangover (no alcohol involved, I don’t drink).

@CottageOnTheHill oh god, how mortifying.. I know she deserved it and you probably did her a favour by teaching her a lesson but I can’t help but feel sorry for her! I’ve never speculated about people like that or made such accusations, that’s next level. But I do take your point, and I’m glad I started this thread to drive home to myself as much as I possibly can how imperative it is that I break this habit.

[quote Lesserspottedmama]@Branleuse not mean as such but passing judgement and speculating, it always feels wrong afterwards and as if I’ve let myself down. I would be embarrassed if the people I was discussing knew.[/quote]
i think youre being hard on yourself. Its completely normal to talk to friends about other people. You say it isnt the only thing you talk about. I think its gossip when youre inciting others to think badly of someone else when its none of your business, but just chatting to friends about others, thats just normal social interaction. Its bonding and its friendly

My gossip takes the form of agreeing that so and so’s child is hard work and yes it must be hard for them, perhaps it doesn’t help that they do this etc. And yes mrs C is a bit doom and gloom isn’t she, I agree. Yes I heard about M and T having a fall out, T is always a bit outspoken isn’t she but M could be more tolerant. It’s all horrid though and my least favourite thing about myself.

Add this to your daily alarm; Listen more and speak less.

This will help you to start changing and moving away from gossip. You can set up the alarm 4 times a day and then gradually reduce to 1x a day. During conversation when someone asks about a friend or a family member you and just say something really nice about them; She/he is great I really like her/him. Thats it!

@JamieNorthlife great practical tips, thank you.

OP stop beating yourself up so much. Yea rein it in a bit an try not to say anything bad about others. But it's perfectly normal and human nature to talk about others a bit.

As others have said , the whole of civilization and society is built on gossip. No need to be mean or judgemental but never to talk about others is a bad plan (and people who don't gossip are usually sanctimonious and a bit dull - I say ignoring my own advice not to be judgemental)

Its good that you recognise it and want to change. I would say, you need to get your head around being more protective of your friends. Of course my friends do or say things that I think are odd or annoy me, but I'm fiercely protective of them, no one can talk shit about my mates, including me!

time.com/5680457/why-do-people-gossip/

@Lesserspottedmama

My gossip takes the form of agreeing that so and so’s child is hard work and yes it must be hard for them, perhaps it doesn’t help that they do this etc. And yes mrs C is a bit doom and gloom isn’t she, I agree. Yes I heard about M and T having a fall out, T is always a bit outspoken isn’t she but M could be more tolerant. It’s all horrid though and my least favourite thing about myself.

Meh, your friends probably love it. As long as youre talking about peoples good points more than their bad points. People watch soap operas because we have a need to know whats going on in our communities and social groups and have been told theres something wrong with it