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Original poster

Grown up children are very different to us

28 replies

chaingario · 26/09/2021 14:40

We have two grown up kids, one is a doctor and the other one is a lawyer. The doctor is smart and down to earth. But our other son, the lawyer, has always been “different”. We think he’s probably autistic.

He got great grades in school and got an unconditional offer to Cambridge for law. After this he went to work in San Francisco and London as a lawyer.

Both dh and I have managerial jobs at the council but we live in a very deprived village up in the north east.

Anytime the lawyer son (DS2) comes back, he says he feels out of place. His friendship group are all high flyers and so coming home is a shock to the system. I think he looks down on those around him as being a bit thick. Obviously he is very well paid so his perception of money and ‘normal’ is very different to ours. He has very high standards.

Have anyone else got kids who live very different lives to their parents?

OP posts:
nc4565 · 26/09/2021 14:45

Surprised he was able to practice law in the US and the UK. Did he sit both bar exams?

I'm completely different to my parents. Father is deceased. Mother is a high flying oil exec. I'm a SAHM. I have nothing in common with her expect we're related, and we love each other unconditionally because we're family.

Original poster
chaingario · 26/09/2021 14:50

Yes sat both.

Interesting your mum is an oil exec, I’d always thought of that field as being very male dominated

OP posts:
MaverickDanger · 26/09/2021 14:53

I’m probably that kid. I’ve always been the most independent from my siblings and, while they forged careers locally to our hometown, I couldn’t wait to leave.

I ended up living abroad on & off for nearly 10 years & met now DH who is from a very upper middle class background.

When I go home, I just feel like I’ve outgrown the place. It’s not like it’s beneath me, it’s just not what I wanted out of life.

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nc4565 · 26/09/2021 14:56

@chaingario

Yes sat both.

Interesting your mum is an oil exec, I’d always thought of that field as being very male dominated

Yep! She was the only woman in a sea of men. This was in the 90s. She never had any female colleagues.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/09/2021 14:59

I think ds is probably feeling that a bit now when he comes home from uni to see us. He's heading to be a high flyer and I imagine he'll have a very different life to ours as he seems to have outgrown home like most of us do. Nothing wrong with that though.

Cherrysoup · 26/09/2021 14:59

My brother emigrated and I live 5 hours from my family. They definitely think I’m odd and apparently have ‘abandoned my mother like a dog’ by not giving up my job/husband/house/animals to go to look after her since dad died. Bad me. The rest of my family have all stayed local and genuinely don’t get why I moved so far away. I also lost my regional accent as I moved abroad at 18. My mum definitely thinks I should have married and stayed local. I too feel like I’ve outgrown my home town, even though it’s a huge university city.

notacooldad · 26/09/2021 15:00

I'd imagine your post is very outing for you! So much personal info in one place
There cant be many from a deprieved area in the NE that have a son wh specializes in American and Englush law, has been to Cambridge, lives in America and has parents who are managers for the council while his brother is a doctor!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/09/2021 15:00

I think he looks down on those around him as being a bit thick

Does he say this?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/09/2021 15:06

My DH is very different to his parents.

He was raised rural working class poor by 2 very young parents. They lived in a tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere. He left home for University many hundreds of miles away from them when he had just turned 18 and never went back. He's lived in London since then and didn't have children until he was 36 (the age his mother was when he left home). He has a professional job in the media and earns what will seem to them like a huge amount. We have been home owners since our early 30s and his parents still rent a tied cottage. He only sees them about 4 times a year and would never, ever contemplate living rurally not even in retirement.

He loves them to bits though!

toocold54 · 26/09/2021 15:31

I am very different to my family and they often feel like I’m looking down my nose at them.
None of my family even have GCSEs and wouldn’t go to university if you paid them and they don’t leave their home town or go too far from one another whereas I have a university degree, would travel the world if I had the money and I’m very independent.

I don’t fit in at all but I’m really glad I came from such a poor background and I would never judge them purely on their education/income.

Goldbar · 26/09/2021 15:35

Was your DC happy where you live before he went away to university? Or has he always felt a bit out of place?

Adults get to choose where they live, children don't. One of the great things about being an adult is being able to build a life somewhere you feel comfortable and accepted.

ISeeTheLight · 26/09/2021 15:43

Your DC who dies law sounds like a spoilt brat tbh. Sorry. My DP has a very similar background and situation but doesn't think he's too good for the area he grew up in.

We lived in London for years; DP also in law and high salary. We moved back to the North East a few years ago (I grew up abroad). Love it here. And with the high salaries we're a) happy we can easily afford a beautiful large home and b) we can give to the community by buying local. And our DD loves being near family.

ISeeTheLight · 26/09/2021 15:43

*who DOES law

trappedsincesundaymorn · 26/09/2021 15:47

@Chicchicchicchiclana

My DH is very different to his parents.

He was raised rural working class poor by 2 very young parents. They lived in a tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere. He left home for University many hundreds of miles away from them when he had just turned 18 and never went back. He's lived in London since then and didn't have children until he was 36 (the age his mother was when he left home). He has a professional job in the media and earns what will seem to them like a huge amount. We have been home owners since our early 30s and his parents still rent a tied cottage. He only sees them about 4 times a year and would never, ever contemplate living rurally not even in retirement.

He loves them to bits though!

DD is the same. She left rural Somerset to go to uni in London. She'll never come back to live here it's just too quiet for her.
riotlady · 26/09/2021 15:54

It can be tricky when you feel like you don’t fit in- I remember feeling like I stood out at home for being too posh and at uni for being too poor.

ShrikeAttack · 26/09/2021 15:55

Maybe he does feel out of place, but that doesn't necessarily translate to 'looking down' on people.

When people reach a certain level of income it's very easy to become slightly detached from a more modest upbringing, it doesn't mean you have contempt for your background or the people in it.

It may be that you son felt quite different and 'othered' growing up, your reaction to his success may suggest that is the case, you don't sound especially thrilled about how well he's done, more that you can't understand that in some ways he's moved beyond what you expected.

I suspect the fault may be that you find it difficult to relate to the man your son has grown up to be rather than any failing on his part.

Original poster
chaingario · 26/09/2021 15:56

Sounds like it’s a fairly common feeling to hold.

He says he could never live here as people are too prejudiced. His wife is from Cameroon.

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 26/09/2021 16:04

My husband is the only one in his family who moved away and 'went up in the world'. He would never move back to where he came from, but he loves his family and likes visiting them. He doesn't think he's better than them, he just wants something different.

It was the same for my mum and dad. They're both from working class backgrounds, first ones in their families to go to university and leave their home towns. Neither wanted to go back, and their families understood why.

Innovationstandard · 26/09/2021 16:07

Yes has to be the most outing post ever if it's all true!

grapewine · 26/09/2021 16:12

Very outing post as also not very kind about the son.

What's wrong with high standards and not wanting to live around people you believe to be prejudiced?

grapewine · 26/09/2021 16:13

*and

Goldbar · 26/09/2021 16:15

He says he could never live here as people are too prejudiced. His wife is from Cameroon.

He might have a point - only you will know if this is true. Some of the threads you read on her about rural/small-town racism are heartbreaking. Why would you want to subject someone you love to that?

Some places aren't worth returning to.

Iwonder08 · 26/09/2021 16:37

Surely, you must be very proud of him?! It must be a good thing he is successful and open minded?

Clearlynotmyname · 26/09/2021 16:41

nc4565 do we have the same mum??

My DCs aren't grown up but I'm v different to my parents - high flying oil exec mum, both parents "traditional", think telegraph reading, Tory voting, borderline homophobic etc.

They must feel quite bewildered that their only child turned out to be such a bleeding heart lefty who quits her job every 2 years, married to someone the same Grin

ShrikeAttack · 26/09/2021 16:51

I occasionally read the threads on Black Mumsnetters (I don't post), having lived in very rural places and having been friends in one place with a woman who wasn't white-british and also had the temerity to have a child with special needs, I can quite well believe that your son does not want to bring his Cameroonian wife home.

If this is real, obviously.

It's a very particular set of circumstances.