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Original poster

How involved are you in your 14/15 year old's social arrangments

37 replies

Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:16

Just that really. My teenager is sensible and we've discussed bad choices/ good choices but we have quite a friendly relationship. Autocratic is not my style at all. He has new friendships and makes plans to meet with them in the daytime at the weekend. I expect this and trust him, I've met his friends and they seem kind and sensible but I don't get involved in the intricate parts of what they are doing, I know roughly where he is. I've found the other Mums (don't know about the Dad's thoughts) on this to be very different. They don't seem to like plans they consider vague or akin to not doing anything- if you have a teenager this age how do you approach this?

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 26/09/2021 14:23

I have two boys, aged 15 and 16. I don't get involved with their social lifes at all, unless you count giving them lifts when necessary. I ask where they are going and who with and what they are doing, but out of interest, not to make judgements, and they have rough curfews.

I believe I am enabling them to grow up and discover who they are at their own pace. It seems to work well, they appreciate their freedoms and act responsibly - as in they call me if there is a problem or they are running late.

A book that helped me chill out and parent like this was called He'll be Ok, by Celia Lashlie.

daisypond · 26/09/2021 14:28

I don’t get involved. I do ask where they are going, who with, what time they will be back. But mine seemed to be relatively sensible on the whole.

timesachangin · 26/09/2021 14:30

I don't get involved but I have been told on MN before that it's neglectful to allow teenagers to just "hang out" in parks and they should only be allowed out, especially in the evening, for organised pursuits such as squash or cricket.

In my experience (my own and DD's) it's very common to wander around aimlessly for hours on end at that age.

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Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:30

Thanks for replying Strugglingtodomybest, that's the thing really, I am pretty chilled but I am sensing the other Mum's find that peculiar, their first thoughts are automatically teenage boys are untrustworthy. I just find this really bizarre, I only have a younger child who is 10 and I do make sure I know what she is up to as I am with her bit even in a park setting she wonders off with her friends sometimes. I suppose my first thought with my children is not one of distrust.

OP posts:
Itstheprinciple · 26/09/2021 14:36

I finance them but beyond that I have little input.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:37

daisypond, I ask these things but my DS is sometimes vague about the friendship group as he doesn't know himself. He will say a rough time but I'm not bothered if he tells me he is going to be late. I'd want him to tell me as I want to be aware that he is safe. When it comes to where he is he will go somewhere but then move on.

Yes, exactly timesachangin, the parks around here are pretty nice and it is a city where many people don't have gardens so they are used by all generations so even if they go to a park I'm not worried.

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Itstheprinciple · 26/09/2021 14:39

What else are parks for if not to hang around in, perhaps partaking in some sort of recreation? As long as young people aren't making it unpleasant for anyone else who wishes to use the park, I really don't have an issue with my DD spending time there with her mates. Why else would they provide a skate park and benches to sit on?

dalrympy · 26/09/2021 14:41

I do to an extent but mostly because if I didn't, DC wouldn't leave her room.

When she does go out, I only expect a vague location

Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:41

The replies appear to be where I sit in my position on this, this is quite reassuring but I think it is going to be difficult to manage the other Mums concerns when I am not really on their wavelength. I don't want to offend them but I just don't agree with them.

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Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:44

Well yes exactly what are parks for, these are not intimidating teenagers at all, I'm just open-mouthed that that is what one Mum thinks, that they could be perceived as such so they shouldn't go out. Strange to me.

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timesachangin · 26/09/2021 14:44

They change plans a lot too. When we were young (showing my age!) Plans were fairly fixed in terms of where we were going and who we'd be with whereas now they can message each other and see where their friends are on stories etc. It's not unusual to not really be able to tell mum exactly what the plan is. Plans are made whilst wandering about

BananaPB · 26/09/2021 14:44

I don't get involved but I like being told what time to expect them back. If it's going to be later than he said I expect a text with the new time.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:46

DS is incredibly sociable so it is sometimes a question of discussing with him what other stuff he has to do with his day as homework etc won't be completed and that's ashame as he will get a detention.

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Djifunrsn · 26/09/2021 14:47

Why are you going to offend them? You do what you want with your kids, they'll do what they want with theirs. I don't really see the problem.

It's probably not a good idea to say you don't agree with their style. We all have to adapt our "style" to the specific child we are parenting anyway.

It's very easy to say oh yes I just let my kids do what they want, safe and secure in the knowledge that they are sensible and not about to do something stupid. I have a friend whose teen went missing (now found) and that child definitely needs more input. I know another 14yo girl who gives blow jobs in bushes.

Djifunrsn · 26/09/2021 14:48

You let him not complete his homework and get detention? That's ridiculous. Unless I have misunderstood.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:51

Yes, exactly, I had a phone in the 6th form but we wouldn't have wasted credit texting each other about a change of plan so it was pretty fixed. Then again, I used to follow my skateboarder boyfriend around with my friends watching him do tricks in various locations so we did wonder and meet up with additional people our parents' didn't know though and I can't remember them asking about it.

Yes, had to say roughly time I'd be home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:56

I am concerned I might offend them as it's evident from the phone calls I have had etc that they want me to be on the same page but I'm not really.

No, I discuss with him what other commitments he has on so homework, music practice etc and he will plan accordingly. Yes, if he doesn't do it he will get a detention, he is pretty bright and mature so he hasn't had one so far.

OP posts:
daisypond · 26/09/2021 14:57

You let him not do his homework and get a detention? Is that what you mean? Mine wouldn’t be allowed to go socialising at all if that happened. You didn’t say that in the opening post.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 14:58

That's the whole point my parenting style is not autocratic, I don't think it works so I don't 'tell' him to do things, I discuss them with him.

OP posts:
elkiedee · 26/09/2021 14:59

My DS1 (14) mooches in the local park with his friends most days. Our agreement is mostly we expect him to come back by about 7.30 for tea, he asks if he wants to stay a bit later etc. The entrance to the park is 90 seconds walk from our house, so he's a very short distance away. One evening he wanted to be allowed to come back when tea was on the table, and I said to dp, who's doing the cooking, no, but food's not gong to be on the table until 8. If he comes back by 8, that's fine. I felt that was a very reasonable deal as it really was pretty much what he wanted but not agreeing to something that would be slightly annoying - tea ready but waiting for him to show up isn't fair on dp doing the cooking or the rest of us waiting.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 15:03

No, I said, I discuss with him what he has to do with his time and encourage him to organise and prioritise his own life. So far, it is pretty effective as he has never had a detention, he produces good work and is in top group for most subjects. His reports are outstanding. It's hard to explain but he come across older than he is, he wouldn't be compelled to do stuff that he knew would lead to a bad outcome as he is very self-assured and not a sheep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenbear · 26/09/2021 15:06

Elkidee, yes, I think that is reasonable though as it's about respecting other people's efforts and not taking people for granted. I am quite hot on that as his Dad.

OP posts:
daisypond · 26/09/2021 15:15

Ah, OK, I see. What you are doing sounds completely fine. He’s on top of his school work.

Cameleongirl · 26/09/2021 15:16

DD is 16 and I’ve been getting steadily more hands-off with her social life over the past two years-although she didn’t have much of one at the height of the pandemic.😂.

I provide lifts, always want to know where she is, and we negotiate a reasonable time to pick her up. Some of her friends are a year older though and getting their licenses so I have less control if one of them picks her up, I generally text after an hour to check in on her. As long as she responds, I leave her alone until close to getting home time when I send a quick reminder to be home by 11.

That may sound like overkill, but we live in an American city with a lot of crime, plus many of her friends who drive are boys so I check in to make sure she’s comfortable with them, IYSWIM. I want her to know that I can always pick her up if she’s not. Once she’s 18, I’ll stop texting.

Hellocatshome · 26/09/2021 15:23

My 14 year old has been arranging his own social life since year 6 so 10/11. At first I gave him a time to be in and wanted to know if he was going anywhere other than the local area. Now he is 14 he goes out and I dont know where he is going or who with or what time he will be back. He has a phone, I have a phone we can easily contact each other if needed. The only time I have had a panic was when the police called me but turns out it was just to tell me DS had had his bike nicked and he asked them to call me as he was too scared to tell me himself.