How involved are you in your 14/15 year old's social arrangments

[Goldenbear]

Just that really. My teenager is sensible and we've discussed bad choices/ good choices but we have quite a friendly relationship. Autocratic is not my style at all. He has new friendships and makes plans to meet with them in the daytime at the weekend. I expect this and trust him, I've met his friends and they seem kind and sensible but I don't get involved in the intricate parts of what they are doing, I know roughly where he is. I've found the other Mums (don't know about the Dad's thoughts) on this to be very different. They don't seem to like plans they consider vague or akin to not doing anything- if you have a teenager this age how do you approach this?

This is why I think I am being proportionate as mostly he will be home by 6 with his friends in our city. I just was a bit shocked at the perception of teenagers being intimidating when they look like my DS and his friends do. And guilty without charge from one of the Mother's in fact I felt a bit sorry for them.

I think in your context Cameleongirl, it sounds rational and the correct approach.

I have an almost 14-year-old boy. He makes his own plans and has done so for a year or two now. He asks us if it's okay that he meets x, y and z at Nandos/McDonalds/the park/in town or whatever. I sometimes give him a lift, if he wants one. If they're going into town straight from sports training or something I sometimes give them all a lift. I trust him and his friends are nice kids. He needs to call me if he's going to be later than he said. He's generally good about this and we haven't had any problems. We've discussed things like knife crime, county lines, personal safety, sticking together, etc.

I think my approach does sound slightly paranoid, tbh, but when there are guns on the streets you don’t have much choice.😕

Dd is nearly 15. She has to be home by dark, unless she is at a mate's house in which case we will pick her up.

I try not micromanage but will ask "who is going ?"

Not at all unless acting as taxi or banker. I like to know who my son is meeting and where he is going and he generally tells me the truth, but as to what he gets up to I have no idea. Most of his friends are fine but one or two are always involved when there's trouble (climbing scaffolding, drinking etc).
My daughter rarely goes out and I know all her friends parents really well anyway and their outings are well planned.

Zafferana, that sounds like a very similar set up to me, I occasionally give him lifts when he asks but sometimes he prefers getting there on foot or by train.

I think it must be very difficult if there are guns on the streets, I would feel differently I'm sure.

Re: other mums - there's bugger all you can about them OP! There are some very controlling parents out there, but that's not my style and it's not one I'd have welcomed from my own parents when I was a teen. The more controlling the parent, the more likely the DC is to lie about where they're going and who with!

Maofteens, yes, it may be something to do with past friendships why one of the parents lacks trust. I haven't really known any of the parents since the start of these friendships so I wasn't sure what to expect or what my input should be but I certainly think there is more expected from me..

Yes, I agree Zafferna, I don't want to ruin my DS's friendships by not conforming to their way of parenting. I'm worried they're going to think I'm irresponsible but it looks like it's ok.

I encourage her to bring people back if she wants to, but don't do anything more than stick my head around the door and let them know what snacks are where, so while I know them by sight I don't know them IYSWIM. She has an early evening curfew for just free-range hanging about, and if she wants to be out later I'd like to know that's it's something structured (bowling/cinema/at a mate's house) and who she's with.

In the next month she's going to her first unaccompanied gigs in the city. Because she'll be out in a more adult-orientated environment well into the evening H and I have agreed that she'll need a lift to the door, and home again, until she's got used to that environment.

Just walked through the door. Was with a girl I know and like and a couple of lads I haven't heard of before. They went into town and went to the beach, came home as it was getting cold. Grabbed a drink now doing her homework