Handhold through the night please

[HenrysHome]

Feeling very low right now. 12 month old ds has woken four times already since 7 so now we're cosleeping where I never get any sleep. Massive arguement with h so haven't spoken to him all evening. He will take the baby at 1 so I'll get a few hours. Grief for my stillborn boy I lost nearly two years ago feeling very raw tonight. Feeling lost and lonely x

Hand hold for you here. I'm so sorry about your precious son would you like to tell us about him?

I know it's a cliche but sleep deprivation is torture for a reason and everything feels so much worse when you don't have enough sleep. I really hope you get some rest tonight and things feel a little brighter in the morning.

Hand hold. I think you never really get over the one you lost, although it becomes easier over time. I hope you get some good sleep tonight. Is there no way you can gently move your child so you get more room in your bed?

Thank you @Xiaoxiong 💕 he was very small, he had a growth syndrome, but he was perfect. He was too fragile to make keepsakes from his hands and feet. He was cremated in a little white coffin with a blue blanket and a teddy bear x

Thanks @Littleants. I have shifted him over the other side but he is so restless, tossing and turning everywhere and crying in his sleep. He's probably teething but he's a rubbish sleeper so who knows x

@HenrysHome I'm so sorry to hear this. Sleep deprivation is ruinous. I imagine you are feeling lots of complex and possibly conflicting emotions at the moment. Go easy on yourself..rest when you can. I have an 11 month old who wakes frequently too - the tiredness is horrendous. I'm up if you want to talk, I feel sad tonight too

I'm so sorry about your little baby.
Do you think your DS could be picking up on your unresolved grief and that's making him restless? Babies are so sensitive to even the most hidden of feelings. İ had a lot of unresolved pain after my DD was born and her sleep was terrible. I noticed that once I felt better in myself, is when she started sleeping through. İt could have been a coincidence but I truly believe our babies know more than we realise. Could you have a journal next to your bed so every time she wakes you up, you can write down some of your feelings, and see if that helps you to feel more rested?

Oh I’m so sorry about your beautiful baby. Sending so much love.
The co-sleeping and lack of sleep that comes along with it is hard. Beyond hard. We had a non-sleeper until 2 months ago at 25 months she decided she could sleep through in her own bed. It gets you down, waking up every night, even if you do get back to sleep again fairly quickly, it’s still broken sleep. It doesn’t seem like it right noe but it will get easier

Hi @DueyCheatemAndHow sorry you feel sad too, do you want to talk about it? We are definitely chronically sleep deprived, ds has never slept longer than 4 hours in a row since birth and that's on a good night. Usually we are up every 1-2 hours and h and I are bickering like mad through the early hours every night. It's really taking its toll on our marriage and I just feel like I've lost him.

Ds is very sensitive @Peppapigforlife so you're probably right. He's probably extra restless because h shouted at me in front of him at his bedtime. Good idea about the journal x

@HenrysHome it's an awful awful thing especially when you are feeling like you should be enjoying every minute.

I'm so so sorry to hear about your little boy. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a baby and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

@Icewiththat I find co sleeping so awful I hate it. I know lots of people swear by it but I am a very light sleeper so end up barely sleeping. Ds is very active in his sleep so he often thrashes around and hits me awake if I do manage to doze off. He's snoring now so I won't be able to sleep through that. I am functioning on 3-4 hours of sleep a night and you can definitely tell.

My son is 13 now but I will never forget the loneliness of the long nights with a waking baby. And in those days mumsnet used to ‘close’at around 2 not that I had a smartphone. God I sound old!!

Hand hold from me too OP

@DueyCheatemAndHow thank you 💕 not sure why it feels so raw tonight x

@ProfessorInkling I like to roll the blind up and find the moon if it's out and think of all the other mums also awake and looking at the same moon, helps me to feel less alone

Hand hold OP

I've also had a late loss. Our little boy was born and died within minutes (his death was expected). He would be 5 this year. The grief never leaves you but the waves of grief decrease over time.

Hope the night isn't too difficult.

I'm so sorry @nc4565

@HenrysHome it might be because you are so tired, but I would imagine too there is a complexity that you feel you should feel grateful for your son but you're primarily feeling frustrated and exhausted?

Sending you love and virtual hugs, OP. All our emotions are magnified at night and being sleep deprived makes everything so much worse. I’m sorry about the fight with DH but it’ll blow over. I’m sorry for your previous loss. There are no words… praying for you and thinking of you. Xxx

I'm so sorry @nc4565, there are no words.

I wish it would @NatriumChloride but they are just getting more frequent and more intense. I miss my old husband

@DueyCheatemAndHow I love ds more than anything obviously but he's not an easy baby and I'm frustrated with the toll it's taking on mine and h's relationship. We had a very tough first 4/5 months with colic, reflux etc and I often found myself wishing for my first baby thinking he would have been easier. I feel awful saying it.

You aren't awful at all. High needs babies are savage. My husband is currently trying to calm ours but I know I'll have to feed her.

I think the dream of having a baby is very different to to reality and your little boy will always be suspended in the dream. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, I don't mean it to be.

Sleep deprivation is so hard and must be even harder bundled up with grief and loss.

My dc came through ivf and we nearly lost one at birth.
But the first year was a blurry hell looking back and honestly I still don't like babies much.
It does get easier.

A hand hold here. I too have experienced a stillbirth (twins) and I know that feeling so well. Its been over 7 years for me and every year gets easier. Have you had any counseling? I find myself having it every couple of years.

I can't comment on the cosleeping as I never did it but it sounds like you and your husband need some time together. Good old quality time. ❤

Hand to hold here too.

I am so sorry about your little boy xx.

It is so so hard when you can’t sleep and desperate too. You feel like you’re the only person in the country awake! Not long now until 1 and you can just relax and let the day go and sleep.

Xx