Handhold through the night please

[HenrysHome]

Feeling very low right now. 12 month old ds has woken four times already since 7 so now we're cosleeping where I never get any sleep. Massive arguement with h so haven't spoken to him all evening. He will take the baby at 1 so I'll get a few hours. Grief for my stillborn boy I lost nearly two years ago feeling very raw tonight. Feeling lost and lonely x

I am here. So sorry for your loss. Its still so raw. Be kind to yourself xx

Am sorry for the loss of your baby boy😔
Tomorrow, op, tell your husband, whether he likes it or not, he takes the baby for the day or arranges baby to be minded, you should go to bed for the day, binge on Netflix, sleep,wake and go for a walk alone and listen to your favourite podcast.
We all have low days and nights where everything looks bleak, you need this break,make it happen x

Bless you OP. I cannot add anything that isn't trite for your grief.

I can only give the sound advice that a dear friend gave me. If the baby is teething imagine if you had terrible, gnawing toothache and no painkillers. Break out the Calpol.

Try and look after your poor self. Sleep deprivation is literally torture.

Handhold. Everything seems worse on no sleep. Thinking of you

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I cracked out the calpol and he settled down a bit around 2 so Ive had a good 5 hours. I would love a Netflix day! Unfortunately I don't think h is ready to have him the whole day alone, it's taken him a long time to bond with baby. Back when ds was very colicky he said some awful things about him and I haven't quite trusted him since. He would never ever hurt D's I don't mean that but the thought of him saying something mean to him without me there to protect him breaks my heart.

Oh @HenrysHome

So many of us have similar stories of partners being total shits in the early days. For some it passes but there is support for you here if you need it.

My DP was awful when our much wanted DS arrived. He just could not cope with how the birth was, he thought I was going to die (I wasn’t but I’ve no idea how the scene looked from his perspective IYKWIM) and he didn’t bond at all at first. Whatever the case though there was no excuse for the things he said and the way he behaved, and in time he recognised that and spent many years trying to be the best he could to make up for it.

It’s so lonely though isn’t it? When you are supposed to be doing this wonderful, difficult, mind blowing thing together and they betray it. Do what you can to look after yourself.

Btw I know you said DS is 12 months. That was definitely still early days for me in terms of sleep

@ProfessorInkling thank you for your message. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one struggling with all this. He's still so heartbroken over our first baby I know that but I want to shake him that he has a gorgeous baby here who needs him. I have carried us through the last two years and need to be told what a good job I'm doing by him rather than pointing out all my faults. I had no idea how much of the default parenting comes down to the mum, stupidly I thought that that would never be us. We have a big family event today that I have been looking forward to for months and that is very important to me. It's ruined now and I will never forgive him for it