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Original poster

Just discovered cuts on teen dc

31 replies

Justdiscovered · 24/09/2021 08:13

Teen dc has mostly been a happy go lucky, easy going child. Slight love of friendships drama but that’s about as serious as it has gotten.
We’re the most boring, average family who got through lockdown quite well and generally just tick along.
I have no idea where this unhappiness is coming from and I’m terrified. Just noticed last week or so.
I can’t concentrate on anything and I’m scared of leaving her bone in her own I’m so upset it has literally come light a bolt of the blue

OP posts:
Howmanysleepsnow · 24/09/2021 08:20

Have you spoken to her (or him) about it? Does she (or he) know why she (he?) did it?
Is it a one off or has it happened more than once?

RosesAndHellebores · 24/09/2021 08:23

If she has allowed a situation to occur where you have been able to see them, I suspect it's a cry for help.

How old is she? Our dd had been cutting for six months before I knew. She was anxious and depressed. She hid it very well. Like you, stable family and no discernible problems.

Speak with her, and make a Dr's apt. If she won't go, you need to. Dr may suggest a route to therapy but expect little from CAMHS. If more than short term therapy/counselling is required, expect to have to pay.

NeverHomeAlone · 24/09/2021 08:24

Have you spoken to them?
You could also take her to the GP who they may be more open to talking to and could explore counselling and medication options. Counselling can also be accessed through school.

Flowers to you and your dc.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 24/09/2021 08:25

I couldn't read and run, @Justdiscovered, although I have nothing to offer you but empathy, I understand how you must be feeling. I remember the shock when one of my daughter's friends did this when they were 13 and 14 - if it's any consolation, 15 years later I hear they are now in a successful career and seem to be happy.
Flowers

Mumoblue · 24/09/2021 08:27

I wish I had more practical advice, but I would just say try and get some assistance ASAP, because they can quite quickly become addicted to doing it.

Do they have any friends who are known to cut? I was friends with three girls who all started doing it around the same time. Try and talk to them about why they’ve done it and see about getting them some therapy.

I know a girl who did this as a teen and now feels intensely uncomfortable having her arms out because of the amount of scarring she has.

Etinox · 24/09/2021 08:29

What have you said?
It’s extraordinarily contagious in some groups, so be very careful about who dc is socialising with, and SM.

NoEffingWay · 24/09/2021 08:53

Sorry to be graphic, but are the cuts more superficial (light, scratches, surface cuts that will heal easily) or deeper (usually with a sharper blade, deep cuts that might require steri-strips or stitches and would require dressings and time to heal)? The first suggests emotional pain that requires gentle input, the second are more threatening to immediate health.
If she is under 18, I would contact CAMHS (poss via GP) for support and advice-there are lots of organisations that can offer support to both parents and children.

Original poster
Justdiscovered · 24/09/2021 09:02

I’ve done a bit of Googling and tried to moderate my reaction. I’ve just told her she can talk to me and how much I love her. Unfortunately she saw me cry this morning.
I’m so upset I can’t type sorry

OP posts:
Martinisarebetterdirty · 24/09/2021 09:07

Definitely talk to your GP and get a referral. Practically (and sorry I have to say this) make sure she has access to dettol, antiseptic wipes, plasters and steri-strips. You might not be able to stop her doing it but you can make it as sterile for her as possible so she doesn’t get infections. Flowers for you both.

Howmanysleepsnow · 24/09/2021 10:53

It’s ok for her to see you cry. It’s ok for her to know that sometimes you get scared or sad or feel things are out of your control too.
Obviously, don’t make it all about you and how you feel, but if she notices you’re sad/ worried it’s ok to be honest about that, and about how you sometimes have strong feelings that you struggle with too.
Obviously avoid guilt, or saying that her feelings/ behaviour upset you, more that you’re worried that you don’t know how to help. Keep an honest open conversation (so denying your feelings if she mentions them is out) but try to stay calm.

swearsbymoonlight · 24/09/2021 11:28

@NoEffingWay

Sorry to be graphic, but are the cuts more superficial (light, scratches, surface cuts that will heal easily) or deeper (usually with a sharper blade, deep cuts that might require steri-strips or stitches and would require dressings and time to heal)? The first suggests emotional pain that requires gentle input, the second are more threatening to immediate health. If she is under 18, I would contact CAMHS (poss via GP) for support and advice-there are lots of organisations that can offer support to both parents and children.
This. My daughter has been cutting herself with lighter cuts for years if she feels overwhelmed with things that are happening in her life. Her psychiatrist has said this is a fairly common thing some people do these days, and whilst it looks horrific, as long as they don't get infected they should heal.

Definitely speak to a GP, this was one of the triggers that helped up get into cahms for help with her mental health. I know a lot of people slate cahms but we have had a really positive experience with them (once we got in!).

Original poster
Justdiscovered · 24/09/2021 12:03

Thank you everyone. Xxx

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 24/09/2021 14:23

Have you checked her online activity?
What year group? Are there academic pressures?

Original poster
Justdiscovered · 24/09/2021 15:02

Hi. No she said the only thing she enjoys is her lessons and that’s not a problem. She goes to a state school and is top/ middle for most subjects but no pressure from us. Yes, we recently removed screen time from her phone, I had a very tight hold on that and she pushed so hard to ‘be trusted’ more I thought I’d give it a go. That was a mistake ! !!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justdiscovered · 25/09/2021 08:42

Since everyone has been so kind can I ask
I recently started working longer hours, meaning my dd is home on her own on the afternoons when she gets home from school.
I would not never have started this job if I thought this issue would come up. I thought she was a normal moody but happy teen who actually enjoys being independent and having the house to herself.
There’s a slightly younger sibling at home with her too in the afternoons.
I was so happy to have started, thinking finally it was time for me to focus on my career. I was really on a high. Now I think I should just quit so she’s not home on her own after school.
Any experience of this/ working not being around and self harm?

OP posts:
alsonotmyname · 25/09/2021 15:01

I can't see if you've put what age dd is op - but I doubt you being home in the afternoons would stop it, my teen used to get up in the early hours when we we're all asleep to cut. That was a few years ago now and with help through therapy she hasn't done it for a long while - we too always had an open easy going relationship, stable home life etc, it was a huge shock Thanks

ilovebagpuss · 25/09/2021 15:21

It might be hard financially but I work part time to be home for after school for similar reasons. I know it’s not long and many children are absolutely fine but it’s more for me in a way to check things are ok chat etc.
It’s not usually something that has just occurred to them overnight so it may be your DD is hiding a low mood she has had for a longer time.
It’s such a shock I know but chat and hug if you can and try not to be too focused on the cuts as long as they are not in need of treatment. Ask her what she feels might help ? Often they have a good idea themselves about what is troubling them.
We saw a private psychiatrist as I didn’t want to wait for 14 weeks to see CAMHS and GP could not help, there was more happening at the time.

Walnetcream · 25/09/2021 15:52

I used to cut when I was younger. To be honest I probably still would still do it if I wasn't with my DP. It's still my first fleeting thought when I am trying to deal with negative emotions.

For me the reason I did it was because I felt dead inside and if you feel pain you know your alive. I didn't even feel the cuts themselves but afterwards theres a bit if a release of all the negative emotions. Then the self care afterwards, I took good care of my wounds. I have never wanted to kill myself. Please don't try and supervise your child to protect them. You will make them worse, make them feel shame and they will find a way to do it anyway.

NotMyCat · 25/09/2021 16:23

What @Walnetcream said
I did it because I couldn't deal with the emotional pain of something but the cut is a distraction, and I could clean and bandage it and feel better
I was never suicidal. In fact when I was washing my face, I randomly had an intrusive suicidal thought and I immediately walked to the doctors as I knew it wasn't right

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 25/09/2021 16:32

I physically can’t be there for mine they finish at 3. I’m home by 5. So don’t beat yourself up about it. An immediate phone call to the gp (without her first). Inform the school and ask them for counselling.

Don’t judge. Practically get some wipes and healing issues and look at self care - self care is not bubble bath. Ask her is she wants to write down how she feels instead of talk to you - if she prefers. Long walks where she leads the conversation - I walk with mine and she says something or not depending on what she wants. I cut myself as a child (parents very well but I was very unhappy - I cut under my feet or between my toes that I found myself doing it as an adult (in my 30s) whilst in a controlling abusive marriage. However I did it as I couldn’t talk about my feeling - I couldn’t no one listened or would listen so it’s not the same situation. Therapy is now trying to help me in a different way. MH services are appalling. So try that but be prepared to go private. Lots of cuddles - say nothing just hug.

RosesAndHellebores · 25/09/2021 18:57

@Walnetcream @NotMyCat as a mother who has been through this and got a young person through it (probably not perfectly) Flowers

jendifer · 25/09/2021 19:03

I run teen self harm support/psycho education groups and am a psychotherapist. Feel free to PM me or I’ll reply properly later

Original poster
Justdiscovered · 25/09/2021 19:34

Thank you. I would have got myself in to a state without all of your input, and I am really grateful for you sharing your own experiences, I’m all ears and willing to learn from them. Flowers to all x

OP posts:
Fordian · 25/09/2021 19:39

I have nothing constructive to add other than Flowers.

Its so tough, isn't it?

Tangledtresses · 25/09/2021 19:56

Don't blame your self.. please don't do that
My son started this when he was 12/13 and I was very worried.. he'd cut himself with anything!!
We talked and I said I understood, etc I'm not sure how we got out of that phase, but it was a phase. I know for some it gets extreme.

I think got me I just sort of loved him more and kept on top of it.. with concern understanding and questions