Will our 5&6 year olds suffer if we have another child?

[Britknee]

2DCs aged 5&6, obviously both at school now and v happy as a family of 4. I’d love a third and so would DH, I’m late 30s now so don’t have much time left to decide. Main thing that stops us going for it is the worry that our older kids have little to gain from a much younger sibling and perhaps a lot to lose - our time/ attention/ finances a little more stretched / less easy to travel and do exciting things.

I’m tying myself in knots trying to decide and would love any thoughts from others. Thanks

I think this is true that the older ones have little to gain from an extra sibling and more to loose in terms of resources. However that doesn’t stop a lot of people so I’m sure someone will be along soon to tell you how much their older ones love their little one.

It’s not all about what your existing children gain or lose though. You don’t have children for your existing children, they aren’t a present or an extra curricular activity. They are another team member - someone else for them to have a bond with and develop a relationship with. If you want one and can afford it, do it.

And fwiw, I find that the added activity, energy and fun in the house that more children brings does benefit the existing children

I have 3 children close in age and another on the way btw. We will continue to do our fun holidays as before and weekends will be the same. The little one will fit around. And I think my dc will relish some attention being taken off them!! They love an opportunity to sneak under the radar. Everyone’s excited!

There are plenty of three child families that are very happy. However I think two is enough, really.

It's up to you and your husband, nobody else can make your minds up.

I think this is true that the older ones have little to gain from an extra sibling

Absolute rubbish. My older kids love their baby siblings, they get so much from the relationship. They also learn a huge amount.
In house babysitters are great too.

If you and your husband want a 3rd and all else being equal things will be fine then does it matter what the 5&6 year old think. Surely kids adapt to their surroundings. One of my older sisters upon meeting me for the first time when I arrived home from the hospital with my mother asked her how long I'd be staying for as she had some things to do.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

And fwiw, I find that the added activity, energy and fun in the house that more children brings does benefit the existing children

I agree with this. I have two close in age and then another with a bigger gap and in some ways it does feel like it added a boost to the whole family.

Well I have a very excited 7 year old waiting for her little brother to be born.

My sister has 2 older boys aged 8&7 and has just had a baby girl in may this year, and they absolutely love having a baby sibling! They want to get involved with feeding, playing, bathing etc. I think it's a great experience for them to gain a little bit of maturity and maybe pick up some extra responsibilities around the house.

Op how are your two at schools?
I only found out in year 2 my dd needs tons of support. Over lock down I've been able to soley work with her to try and bring her up to some level where she can work from ie not bottom of class.
I pay all my wage into extra support for her as well... Tutors, eye stuff etc... Tests.... All sorts.

There is no way I could have given her the support she needed at all, mental, emotional or money with a younger sibling on top.
Maybe not relevant to you but something to consider?

@Didiusfalco

I think this is true that the older ones have little to gain from an extra sibling and more to loose in terms of resources. However that doesn’t stop a lot of people so I’m sure someone will be along soon to tell you how much their older ones love their little one.

I agree with this. In a scenario with limited resources (money, time, space), the more children you add to the mix, the more limited resources become for the existing children. But that shouldn't stop people from having more children if they feel what the children will have is enough. The definition of "enough" is different for different people and what in effect helps people decide how many children to have. So OP if both you and your husband feel that your existing children will have enough space, money and time from you both for them when you bring another child to the family, you have your answer.

Thanks so much for all in input. It’s so useful and lots of food for thought. I suppose I feel a bit selfish wanting more when I already have two beautiful children who I adore and want to give the world. But the longing for another really won’t quit. Truthfully I wish I didn’t want any more and could forget about it all together. At the moment it is almost all I think about and I’m driving myself a bit mad with it.

I am wondering the same thing here. I have a almost 5 & 6 year old (reception and year 1) I'm not yearning for a 3rd but I keep thinking about how lovely it would be but then I think it'd be for my own selfish reasons. For us and our one year age gap, it really doesn't make sense to have a third. Also we'll need a bigger home and bigger car. They don't call it financial suicide for nothing! We are able to provide our children with a couple of activities each and lots of fun days outs/one or two holidays a year. I know if we had that third, I'd be taking some of that stuff away from them.

I'm one of 4 & like being part of a "gang". My eldest keeps nagging me to have a 3rd. ok

ignore the random ok

In a scenario with limited resources (money, time, space), the more children you add to the mix, the more limited resources become for the existing children

That's not really true though, is it? If you have one child, and you spend an hour with them, that's an hour of your time. If you have two children and spend an hour with them, they still have an hour of your time, as well as an hour of their siblings time. If I have a room for one kid and a spare room, what does it matter to that kid if the spare room is then a siblings room? They still have the same amount of their own space. Money, well, two isn't twice as expensive as one, and three isn't three times the amount.

It's not a simple equation, is the point.

@ManifestDestinee

In a scenario with limited resources (money, time, space), the more children you add to the mix, the more limited resources become for the existing children

That's not really true though, is it? If you have one child, and you spend an hour with them, that's an hour of your time. If you have two children and spend an hour with them, they still have an hour of your time, as well as an hour of their siblings time. If I have a room for one kid and a spare room, what does it matter to that kid if the spare room is then a siblings room? They still have the same amount of their own space. Money, well, two isn't twice as expensive as one, and three isn't three times the amount.

It's not a simple equation, is the point.

Using your example, if you wish to spend one on one time with each individual child, the more children you have, the more hours you'll need to spend with each while getting progressively tired till you get to the final child. So 1 child means 1 hour a day, which is easily doable. But 5 children mean 5 hours a day which is practically not possible on a daily basis. The more children you have, the less likely it will be for you to spend one on one time with them individually on a daily basis. You would more likely engage with them as a group as it's only humanly possible to do so much. It's the same with money. If you have one child, you could spend more on tutors and extra-curricular activities and have enriching and fantastic holidays. The more children you have, the more you would have to prioritise on tutors and activities that each child can avail. However, not everyone needs to believe that individual time, attention and resources for enriching activities and education are important for children and they are entitled to their parenting style. It's what I said in my previous post - The definition of "enough" is different for different people. If you're happy with the upbringing you will be providing, there is no reason to question whether you should have more children if you do want to have more. However, if you feel that by adding more children to the family your current child/children would suffer, you should definitely consider whether giving in to your biological urge to procreate is more important. At the end of the day, having children usually is a choice. If you're happy with what you can provide and you really believe that adding more children does not impact the quality of life of your current child/children and if you have the biological urge to have more children, then you shouldn't need to ask others or justify your life choices to others. You're paying and providing for your family. Why should it matter what others think?

Not quite the same but my step children are 11 and nearly 13 and my daughter is 2. They love playing with her and taking her on slides at the park and stuff.

I think research has shown that it’s the first one that suffers the most trauma, because they lose their parents’ undivided attention. Subsequent children always had to share their parents’ attention so extra children have less impact on them psychologically.

You currently have an oldest and youngest, but if you have a third you'll be creating a middle child. As a middle child, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. (Plenty of threads done that topic already!)
Also, environmental impact.
Two kids sounds like the perfect family to me.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

It’s not all about what your existing children gain or lose though. You don’t have children for your existing children, they aren’t a present or an extra curricular activity. They are another team member - someone else for them to have a bond with and develop a relationship with. If you want one and can afford it, do it.

Yes this!

You can't do a cost-benefit analysis on this like your existing children are a user group of your parenting services!

You want another baby? Have one. Everyone benefits from loving families. You owe your children live, respect and a supportive environment, many children have a better family life with multiple siblings than others from small families. You can't measure your love in that way.

@Britknee

Thanks so much for all in input. It’s so useful and lots of food for thought. I suppose I feel a bit selfish wanting more when I already have two beautiful children who I adore and want to give the world. But the longing for another really won’t quit. Truthfully I wish I didn’t want any more and could forget about it all together. At the moment it is almost all I think about and I’m driving myself a bit mad with it.

You want another baby, that's all there is to it.

You sound like a loving and caring mum to consider your other DCs feelings so I'm sure that wouldn't change if you had another.