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Original poster

Do you give consequences at home for behaviour at school?

35 replies

Fuckadoodledoo2 · 22/09/2021 14:50

DS, 4, week 3 of reception. No issues so far but an email from teacher yesterday (which I followed up with a phone call) to say he'd been acting really out of character, not listening, went to push another child as they had a toy he wanted and generally been a bit silly all day.

I have discussed with him,tried to understand any underlying reason and reiterated how important it is to listen to teacher/be kind to friends. As a consequence I have said no TV for two days (his fave thing) and also making a concerted effort to get him lots of sleep as he seems very tired which often has an effect on his mood.

Is this too harsh? Feels like a consequence at home is required if behaviour is bad enough that teacher is contacting me.

OP posts:
gettingfedupagain · 22/09/2021 14:51

Behaviour is communication, he sounds upset and stressed. Try to find out why he's doing it.
Keep home and school separate. Home is his sanctuary

gettingfedupagain · 22/09/2021 14:53

If you really want to find out the reason, you need to approach it with calmness, not judgement and make suggestions

"I wonder if you were feeling wobbly because you were worried/angry about xxxxxx/something?"

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/09/2021 14:53

No, if the school has dealt with it I’d not be punishing him at home - punished twice for the same thing is unfair.

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Original poster
Fuckadoodledoo2 · 22/09/2021 14:55

I agree it's communication and have tried this:

"I wonder if you were feeling wobbly because you were worried/angry about xxxxxx/something

But not getting a lot from him.

OP posts:
TheLittleGreenToaster · 22/09/2021 14:56

I agree with the above re gentle probing that all is okay. I've always gotten the best conversations out of mine on a walk or car ride, when they're not feeling grilled or put on the spot.

With punishment, I've tried to never cross the boundaries of school and home. I don't phone the teacher to punish DC if they've broken curfew or not tidied their rooms! I figure it works both ways.

Jellycatspyjamas · 22/09/2021 14:57

He’s only 4, I’d not be worry too much about a 4 year old displaying 4 year old behaviour tbh. I’d make sure he had enough rest and down time but wouldn’t be taking tv away.

Pinkspecs · 22/09/2021 14:58

Not at 4 and just starting reception no.
It's a big change.
I would try and find out how they were feeling and encourage them to behave themselves.

GunsNShips · 22/09/2021 14:59

Not at 4 I wouldn’t, no.

For my 10 yo and probably 7 yo too - then yes I would.

samwitwicky · 22/09/2021 14:59

I'm guessing you won't get a lot because he's being punished (no TV). Maybe he's worried that if he tells you more you'll take TV away for longer.

Also, if you're asking, at that age I think 2 days is a lot.

He's still learning boundaries at reception. And he's young. I'd say keep home and school separate add focus on getting him to open up to you rather than punish.

Good luck x

Aria2015 · 22/09/2021 15:02

I personally think it's a bit harsh. It's early doors re school and a big adjustment. They're tired and a bit overwhelmed to start with. Also, you want to foster a positive relationship with school and not for him to associate it with punishment. My lo struggled when he started, not listening, not sitting still etc... we talked about it and if at pick up the teacher said he'd had a good day, I'd make a huge fuss of him. If she said he hadn't had a great day, I'd tell him what's expected of him at school and then tell him that tomorrow was a new day to show what good listening (or whatever he hadn't done that day) he has. He settled down after a month or so once he knew what he could and couldn't do.

FourTeaFallOut · 22/09/2021 15:03

No. The teacher is telling you in case he is coming down with something or to just let you know he has been unsettled in class which might explain any behaviour you see at home.

No reception teacher in the first month of school is looking for you to double down on punishments at home.

GiveMeNovocain · 22/09/2021 15:05

I'd only consider doubling up if it was something like bullying.

BabbleBee · 22/09/2021 15:09

Age 4, no. Age 14… yes. At 4 they’ve forgotten about what happened in the morning by the time they get home. I’d just reinforce what the teacher has said and set clear expectations with a reminder in the morning before going in.

Muchmorethan · 22/09/2021 15:11

DS1 was always in trouble at school in Reception - August born so very young. His teacher said to not punish at home as they'd deal with it at school

TeenMinusTests · 22/09/2021 15:13

@BabbleBee

Age 4, no. Age 14… yes. At 4 they’ve forgotten about what happened in the morning by the time they get home. I’d just reinforce what the teacher has said and set clear expectations with a reminder in the morning before going in.
I agree with this a PP saying that at 4 it is communication.
SilenceOfThePrams · 22/09/2021 15:15

If you started a new job and messed up, what would you need when you got home? Someone to make you a cup of tea and give you a hug, or someone to lecture you on how you should have known better, and cancel your leisure time?

Let school be school abs home be home. He needs a safe space, he needs down time, he needs to know you understand it’s all a bit tricky but you’re sure he’ll get the hang of it soon.

Now if the poor behaviour was directly related to a particular tv programme maybe there’s be some sense in not watching that programme for a while. But other than that he’s not going to suddenly rein it in at school because people are being mean at home too. He’s just going to feel got stuck when he’s already tired.

SprayedWithDettol · 22/09/2021 15:17

Don’t punish him. He is 4 and life has changed dramatically in the last 3 weeks.

Let him watch his programmes and give him a cuddle. See if he can explain why he was going to push someone. Poor little chap.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 15:19

No, what your little boy has done is not serious enough for you to punish him. He was probably just having an off day, he's only four. You've explained his error to him very well, let's hope he takes it on board.

notacooldad · 22/09/2021 15:22

I did but not at 4.
I did when he was 14 and turned into a cocky knobhead.
We made it clear that we were going to work and communicate with the school about his behaviour.
We stuck to the parenting mantra of " love and boundaries" Fortunately it worked a d we got over the bumpy mid teen years without too much fuss. However we had to stay on our toes, watch from a distance his peer groups (turned out to be nice lads ) and kept in touch with his head of year I think it was.

EagleOrIgel · 22/09/2021 15:22

No, not at 4. I'd probably put to bed a bit earlier if he seemed tired but not as a punishment. I'd remind in the morning that I'd like him to try really hard to listen to the teacher today.

SheWoreYellow · 22/09/2021 15:24

If the child was older and the behaviour was maliciously against another child then I might punish at home. Otherwise I’d presume school are handling it.

StopGoQuitStart · 22/09/2021 15:27

I think you’ve been a bit harsh really. I’m not sure the teacher emailed you so that you’d punish him at home it was probably more to make you aware of out of character behaviour to see if similar at home or suss out if any underlying issues (eg a family bereavement illness etc). He’s only young and still adjusting to school life. The teacher said it’s out of character so it doesn’t sound like it’s been a regular thing. I’d wait until you and he had a quiet moment then ask about school and go over gentle the type of behaviour needed (listening, no pushing ever etc) but not in a “giving a row” way just reiterating what’s expected. Lots of hugs and calmness. Obviously if teacher was in contact daily or weekly with poor behaviour I’d speak more firmly on it and set up a positive reward system for “good days”.

As they get older and it’s more obviously just “bad behaviour” then yes I’d probably have a home punishment (remove tech, not going promises place etc) if their behaviour was poor enough for a teacher to email. I don’t think this is what’s going on for your DC he’s only 4 and only 3 weeks into a big new environment.

purplesequins · 22/09/2021 15:29

no they get punished/experience consequences at school.
it's part of learning being part of a large group.

ime children that age don't have enough vocabulary to really describe what's happening.
maybe open a dialog by asking if someone farted at lunchtime. that always made my now teens laugh and start talking about their school day.

duckme · 22/09/2021 15:41

At four he's probably exhausted. It's a huge change for him and after three weeks it has all probably caught up with him.
I wouldn't be punishing him at home for that sort of thing. Just a stern word and then a reminder to be kind and listen when dropping him off the next day.

RavenclawsRoar · 22/09/2021 16:10

No I wouldn't. I have a 4yo just started reception too and he is exhausted and has been through a rollercoaster of emotions recently! I do agree with the extra sleep (we have also been doing early bedtimes as he's so tired) but I wouldn't put in any sanctions. I'd probably just have a talk with him and then do lots of positive reinforcement at home when he was being nice /kind /gentle.

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