How independent is your 9 year old?

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DS has just turned 9 and I sometimes worry that we baby him too much.

How independent is your 9 year old?

DS can make himself a drink but he'd struggle to make a sandwich. He is still a very messy eater despite sitting down for family meals every evening with us prompting and modelling good techniques etc.

He is obviously independent with toileting but unless I stand in the shower room with him he would just do a token wipe with the flannel on his arms and little else. I have to tell him each shower what he needs to do.

He can brush his teeth but our dentist told us we should still be doing some brushing for him. Is that really the case? As he says, it's his body etc. He's had no problems so far but at his last appointment there was some plaque buildup.

He has started asking to go to the park alone with his friend after school. We live in a safe area but that seems too much to me?

We limit his gaming time because it has a horrible effect on his mood, but are we too strict? Currently he has none before school. Then he has it after school (or later as some days he is in the after school club) until tea time but none after dinner.

Saturday's he has it till his club mid morning, and then again in the afternoon from when his sister goes to her club about 3.30. Sundays is a gaming free day all together.

Is this too little independence? He's starting to push for more and I'm not sure where to start. Thank you.

I don’t think he’s independent enough no. I don’t brush my 9 year olds teeth. She can go and play out with friends, that includes playing at our local park. She can certainly make a sandwich and she can make me a cup of tea or coffee. The shower thing is tricky - mine still has baths, I imagine she’d clean herself properly in the shower. I think to improve on this you have to start with one thing at a time though, not tackle everything at once.

My 6 year old can shower and brush her teeth efficiently although we do her teeth for about one minute at least once a day to supplement just in case. She can make drinks, sandwiches, cut fruit (with supervision). At the park I take her but don't need to actively supervise. We don't live close enough to walk, but given that y5 and 6 are allowed home unsupervised from school, I'd take that as a rough age for being allowed out alone.

Gaming wise, personally I think that's too much for our family but I think it's very personal to each child and family tbh.

I have a 7 and 9 year old. They can both dress, tidy and hoover their rooms, help with the dishes, do themselves toast, sandwiches and drinks, put their clean clothes away, shower and get themselves ready for bed, go into a shop and buy things for me / themselves whilst I stay outside with the dog. 9 year old can now also make a cup of tea.

My 9 year old can make scrambled eggs and porridge on the hob. Load and unload the dishwasher. Run his bath. Make his bed (I do the duvet cover). Tie a lure on his fishing line. Oil his own bike chain.

Very independent, she's pretty much bringing herself up. She cooks simple dinners, makes her own lunch and breakfast, puts her own washing in, does her own hair, showers, teeth etc. I don't know how she's so different to my 13yo who struggles to make toast!

I think at 9 years old he should be able to make a sandwich and brush his teeth. I think you need to crack on with helping him out he won’t be a million miles off secondary school where a lot more will be expected of them

Gosh it does sound like we've babied him too much. I take it onboard thanks. I think we'll start with the showering and teeth brushing. He's year 4 (just turned 9) and school won't let year 4 walk home alone anyway. But it's clear there's lots he can be doing.

Our 9yo showers and brushes teeth, makes one family meal a week (tacos, chilli, omelettes etc), bakes cupcakes, does washing load if asked, tidies room, helped with household cleaning during lockdown, goes to the park occasionally with a friend (with walkie talkie for contact) and has recently gone to a local shop first time alone, again with walkie talkie for contact.

At 9 they'd take themselves off to the park, to swimming or around the local area to play with school friends. They help around the house, dusting, hoovering, sorting their laundry and can cook basic meals and make their own hot chocolates.
With their pocket money they're expected (with help) to buy their own toiletries as shopping can help with confidence, maths and just basically understanding how money works.

My 9 year old son ( nearly 10) can make himself toast or a sandwich and drink. He runs a Bath, brushes his own teeth and walks to the shop to buy milk / bread.

I am about to teach him to clean his own bathroom as he wants to be allowed to use an en-suite and I am not cleaning extra bathrooms.

My four year is independent and that is exactly that I want. I'm almost certain that she will be walking to school by herself at 9, as well as a huge list of other things she will be capable of doing.

My 9 year old (she turned 9 last month) can make sandwiches, noodles, and drinks. She washes up and also washes her own clothes in the washing machine. She showers herself but sometimes I have to help to rinse her hair (only because she doesn't quite rinse it properly). She runs errands to the local shops for me. She doesn't walk to or from school alone but that's only because school don't allow it until year 6.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha.
Clearly there is a very wide range of 9 year olds!!!
My daughter wouldn’t do half the things above posters have listed and I am completely and utterly not worried about that. She’ll come to them and it’s not a race!

My dd is 9 and has ASD, she can shower and wash her hair alone, teeth she can do but I still brush them at night because she has enamel hypoplasia.
At the weekend she can get up and get herself breakfast and can make her own packed lunch, she can cook basic meals with some support when using the oven or chopping onions (they hurt her eyes!) and she makes a good cup of tea.
She will walk to a friends house alone but it’s literally a minute away and is keen to start walking home alone with friends. I wouldn’t allow the park alone yet because 1. It’s too far from home and 2. There would be no adult supervision.
She can’t put on her own socks, she’s SO unorganised it’s painful, she can’t brush and put up her own, she can do shoelaces but not properly as they come undone and she can’t use a knife and fork properly. She will not talk to anyone she doesn’t know, wouldn’t buy something on her own in a shop or ask for help. Some of this is because of her hyper mobility some of it is just the way she is.

I have really, really pushed her to be independent, because of her ASD it would be very easy for me to baby her and she would totally let me! She’s off to secondary school in two years and I don’t want her to be scared of doing certain things.

My 9YO had been cleaning his teeth but our dentist did say recently that he should do it in the morning but we should do it in the evening to make sure we properly clean the bits that get missed.

He will get himself drinks, shower, put his washing away, make his bed etc but I would not let him go to the park without an adult yet - our school don't allow them to walk home before YR6. None of his friends are allowed out without a parent so he hasn't asked.

I am happy for him to prepare breakfast and a sandwich but don't let him use a kettle or put anything on the hob yet.

My eldest is 8 but already I'm wondering about giving him more independence. Problem is good at the things he 'wants' to do, but crap at the things he 'needs' to do like washing and brushing his teeth etc.

For full disclosure, there is suspected ASD/ADHD which is awaiting assessment. I'd love him to be more independent, it would make my mornings much easier. But unless one of us stands over him, he'll piss about with a toothbrush in his mouth, not brushing. (Before the usual nonsense starts, we have used natural consequences etc and he is absolutely oblivious, does the same the next morning etc, hence the suspected ADHD).

My 9 year old can dress herself, shower, brush her teeth etc.

She can mkae simple meals under supervision .e.g toastie, scrambled eggs and a sandwich unsupervised.

She does chores like make her bed, keep her room tidy, clear the table after dinner.

She has been allowed out to play since she was 7 and she has got the bus to school since she was 5.

MN has a lot of children who can cook a 3 course meal by the age of 6 and their parents all flock to this sort of thread OP. Just to warn you .

My nearly 9 yr old sounds similar to yours. And not a chance in hell will either of my DC be going out to meet friends without a grown up until secondary school age.

I don’t recall being able to do much of this at the age of 9 and I still turned into a functioning adult…

My DD9 can cook an omelette and noodles on the hob. Makes her own pack lunch. Can work the washing machine and dryer although I do the sorting. Can feed the cat & sort the litter tray. Has walked to a friends house nearby on her own and could walk from school as we’re very close. I don’t trust her to get there on time though… she’s stop for a cat or a snail. She doesn’t go to the park or shop on her own as we don’t have suitable ones near enough. She’s been with her cousin who’s 10 though when visiting family. She’s not fantastic at brushing her teeth and needs badgering to shower but does ok when she’s in.

At 9 my DC could/can make a sandwich/packed lunch/toast, bake a cake reasonably unsupervised, walk to the village shop and buy a couple of groceries (and sweets), change bed (with help), tidy, dust and hoover their room, empty the dishwasher, put clean clothes away, cycle across the village to a friend's house, go to the park unsupervised.

1 DC still has a bit of supervision with bathing and toothbrushing and has to be reminded to wash their hands frequently. Chores are often done under duress but they know there's no screens or seeing friends unless they are done.

Start small with a bit of independence. Does he do any chores? Maybe say no screens until he has done x, y, z?

My DD (8.5, year 4) likes to try to do things on her own, she does seem to want to be independent but gets things wrong so still needs supervision and guidance. I try to stay as hands off as possible but it can be difficult! Things like I have to almost force her into the shower as she doesn't think it's necessary even though her hair gets very messy and greasy surprisingly quickly. Then she will blob the shampoo all at the top of her head and so it doesn't get washed properly. Same with conditioner. I have to stand there giving her instruction every time. Same with all personal care really but she's been good with toileting for years. So she wants to be independent but is fairly scatty still. I think that's just personality and differences in development though, you have to make judgements based on the individual child, yes encourage independence and teach them these things but I think they click when the child is ready and not before- you can't force it.
At this point I wouldn't trust her to do the 7 minute walk home alone from school. I wouldnt trust her not to carelessly step out onto the busy road, and she's too inconsiderate of other pavement users still! Maybe in Yr 5 but probably more Yr 6 if I'm honest.

I don't necessarily think you've babied him . All children are different, just go with what he's capable of right now. I have a very independent 9 year old girl but my 6 year old boy is very different to how she was at that age! Just go at their pace

My ds is just turned 10 and to put it bluntly, is just plain lazy! It's a slow burner with him trying to encourage him to be independent but I'm not at all worried as that's just who he is. My dd on the other hand, is totally different and absolutely hates not being able to do something by herself and is keen to learn all she can at home such as making food, washing up, showering herself etc. They are all their own unique people, all we can do is encourage them along the way.

Very much like @Lasttimeneveragain actually, I do suspect there are adhd traits in my daughter too. All of my kids are a bit like this including my stepson who was very dependent in primary school age and is still similar as a teen just moved further on. He hates to be put under pressure, quite anxious about it actually

Mine’s pretty average by this thread’s standards.
Gaming limits are exactly the same as yours.
He can make a cold drink/ sandwich/ toast cereal. He can also make tea but I supervise with the kettle because it’s a heavy one.
He can bath/ shower without her. He can also brush his teeth but I always either check or supervise as he tends to not be very thorough otherwise because he doesn’t like it.
He can go to the local shop (on the next block), play out on our street or in the park unsupervised as long as I’m in the park (not at the point of travelling there alone yet).