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Original poster

How independent is your 9 year old?

45 replies

DunderMifflinSalesRep · 22/09/2021 12:23

DS has just turned 9 and I sometimes worry that we baby him too much.

DS can make himself a drink but he'd struggle to make a sandwich. He is still a very messy eater despite sitting down for family meals every evening with us prompting and modelling good techniques etc.

He is obviously independent with toileting but unless I stand in the shower room with him he would just do a token wipe with the flannel on his arms and little else. I have to tell him each shower what he needs to do.

He can brush his teeth but our dentist told us we should still be doing some brushing for him. Is that really the case? As he says, it's his body etc. He's had no problems so far but at his last appointment there was some plaque buildup.

He has started asking to go to the park alone with his friend after school. We live in a safe area but that seems too much to me?

We limit his gaming time because it has a horrible effect on his mood, but are we too strict? Currently he has none before school. Then he has it after school (or later as some days he is in the after school club) until tea time but none after dinner.

Saturday's he has it till his club mid morning, and then again in the afternoon from when his sister goes to her club about 3.30. Sundays is a gaming free day all together.

Is this too little independence? He's starting to push for more and I'm not sure where to start. Thank you.

OP posts:

Redwinestillfine · 22/09/2021 14:41

Mine makes breakfast and simple dinners, plays out, can 'shop' ( although I walk her there and back), she keeps her room relatively tidy and can do simple chores ( dishwasher etc), she is fine on self care etc. Tbh my 7 year old does most of these things ( not cooking dinner, although he does 'help' or playing out yet just because of the road).

Boombadoom · 22/09/2021 14:44

I agree with limiting screen time if it affects him negatively. I limit my children for the same reason.

He should be doing more. My 6yo bathes themself, can make their own breakfast and lunch (sandwich and crucifies etc). My 8yo can make toast and porridge as well as the above, could make beans on toast independently for example. Starting to wash own hair with assistance. Would not allow out unattended until at least 10/11.

Continue to help with brushing if there’s plaque buildup up and encourage independent activities, teach them how to bathe and explain WHY we wash our bottom properly (itchy, smelly, germs), why we do our armpits etc.

blackteaplease · 22/09/2021 14:54

I have a just turned 9 year old, left handed with suspected asd. He can get himself drinks and snacks and can grab cereal and put bread in the toaster. He absolutely can't figure put how to spread things on bread (not sure if that's asd or left handed issue).

He hates washing his hair and if left in the shower just stands under the water. I need to wash him.

He often lies about tooth brushing and I do it for him.

Having said that dc1 age 11 can do all of these things and dc3 who is 5 is picking them up too so it may be just personality. In summary OP, I don't think you need to worry but try to introduce some independence working up towards secondary

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9 year olds Families

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 22/09/2021 15:00

He does sound immature compared with my dc, tbh. My daughter is also 9 and she makes me cups of tea or coffee, makes breakfast for herself and siblings and there’s no way i would stand there issuing instructions whilst she showered!!! She’d be mortified! All washing she does herself, definitely. The strict timings of the gaming is quite odd to me as well..how can he learn independence and amusing himself and just doing what he wants if he has this strict regime of gaming after school until dinner and then at certain key points at the weekend, at times to fit in with clubs?! Just leave him be, would be my advice.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/09/2021 16:25

My 10 and 8yos can make a drink and sandwich, are you sure he couldn't do this if you gave him the chance? They can brush teeth and take a bath solo including washing their hair. They can do their own hair normally but need help if it is particularly knotty.

I think 9 is OK to play independently in a safe area personally, but appreciate people feel differently about this.

gailplattshairbrush · 22/09/2021 16:34

My son sounds quite like yours op. I still don't allow him to the park alone. It's a busy park and there are often lots of people there for sports and so on. There have also been incidents of youths drinking and smoking drugs. If he were approached I'm not sure how he would handle it. I appreciate that in the next year or so he will probably start venturing out a little more.

My ds would also struggle to make a sandwich but he does all of his personal hygiene stuff well. Can't tie his shoelaces though!

I think all kids and family dynamics are different. If he's in year 5 you've another 2 years to prepare him for senior school. They have the rest of their lives to be grown up, I don't think there's anything wrong with kids being kids as long as they are able to do the basics.

BrassyLocks · 22/09/2021 17:12

OP, he sounds very much like my DS9. He prefers to rely on me for nearly all those things, but I know he can do them perfectly (well not perfectly) well himself if necessary. Your DS will learn independence in due course. He'll only be a child once, you do what you like to do with him and enjoy it . It doesn't matter what other children his age or younger can do.

InnPain · 22/09/2021 17:19

See I think it all depends on the child. Each child is so different, some more independent than others at varying ages.

Evesgarden · 22/09/2021 17:20

My 9 year old, showers, washing her own hair and dries it, she can put a wash on, she makes her own toast and cereal for breakfast, she has chores ect.

However I think she can be too independent at times like for instance this Sunday she wanted to change her room around but I was busy. So whilst I was in the garage she dragged two single beds round the room and a set of draws. She had completed it and made the beds by the time I was finished in the garage. She is very driven like her older sister!

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 22/09/2021 17:22

Mine is pretty independent. Youngest of 3 though. Plays out for hours on end with friends, cycles around (within limits and obeys them), calls on friends, packs school things, makes own breakfast and lunch (toast, sandwiches, baked beans etc), dresses, washes brushes teeth, pots clothes in laundry, sets table, loads and unloads dishwasher.

idontlikealdi · 22/09/2021 17:23

Mine are just ten and have been making breakfast and lunch independently for a year. They can cook spaghetti Bol, fajitas etc and make tea and coffee. they make such a mess I rarely let them do it

They cannot was condition and brush their long hair properly so I still do it.

No way they would go to the park by themselves but the parks bit great. On holiday they went to the shop on the campsite, the games room and playground independently.

Whitefire · 22/09/2021 17:39

@minipie

MN has a lot of children who can cook a 3 course meal by the age of 6 and their parents all flock to this sort of thread OP. Just to warn you

My nearly 9 yr old sounds similar to yours. And not a chance in hell will either of my DC be going out to meet friends without a grown up until secondary school age.

I don’t recall being able to do much of this at the age of 9 and I still turned into a functioning adult…

I'm glad you posted, my 9 year old sounds similar. No chance in hell will she be taking herself to the park or to a friend's house, I have considered maybe next year in year 6 her walking to school but the walk to the primary school is more fraught than the one to secondary school so I'm not sure there is much need to prepare her for that.

Not bothered about making her cook meals etc, plenty of time for that.

Thatsplentyjack · 22/09/2021 17:43

My 7 year old is very independent, my 13 year old on the other hand can hardly dress himself. Well he can he would just rather I I things like his tie for school, his hair,asking him every single thing he eats. Apparently he can't even pour a bowl of cereal. It's tedious, but it's my own fault and he has dyslexia so I'm never sure wether he is actually struggling with certain things, so I don't want to push him too much, or give him a hard time.

RoseAddict · 22/09/2021 17:56

I don’t think you can compare girls and boys at this age. My dd is 7 and is much more independent than ds. That’s despite my best and equal efforts with both of them

Bbq1 · 22/09/2021 17:56

@minipie

MN has a lot of children who can cook a 3 course meal by the age of 6 and their parents all flock to this sort of thread OP. Just to warn you

My nearly 9 yr old sounds similar to yours. And not a chance in hell will either of my DC be going out to meet friends without a grown up until secondary school age.

I don’t recall being able to do much of this at the age of 9 and I still turned into a functioning adult…

Haha, yes 100%, agree. Upthread a pp is claiming her 9yo is "bringing herself up"...Sure she is. Then another whose 9 yo is supposedly cooking homecooked family meals a couple of times a week. Others doing their own washing - at 9! Really?! A lot of these - if true - are little to do with independence and more like having your kids skivvying for you or turning them into mini adults before their time. My ds has always been independent and trustworthy but more in the areas of going out etc.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 22/09/2021 19:35

Doing their own washing at 9 isn't really a big deal, she's not hand washing it! She literally just puts her clothes in, puts the washing liquid in and presses a button. It's really not hard. Certainly not beyond a 9 year old, she's been doing it from about 7 or 8.

I don't understand why as a society we molly coddle children so much. They need caring for and protecting but basic household chores should be encouraged.

Iggly · 22/09/2021 19:37

My 9 year old has to be reminded how to shower but we like to have a chat when she’s in so that’s fine. When ds got to about 10 he stopped liking us being there so I hope he’s cleaning fine 😂

9 year old has gaming restricted, absolutely as does my 12 year old.

Both of them can make food - they used to love having a go and helping from a young age.

I wouldn’t let my 9 year old out to play far, too many idiots on the roads.

Superstar22 · 22/09/2021 19:39

I definitely wouldn’t let him go the park with friends; that’s bonkers & I have a very sensible 9 yr old and lovely safe park.
Mine can make a cup of tea without me standing there snd bring it upstairs safety, do his own breakfast, put washing on a maiden, tidy room and get ready in the morning including bag, water etc. Doesn’t cook but never had need to. Showers & teeth been going on years and years. Cycles on the road with us, can go into a shop and purchase something with cash. Is allowed to play in a different area of the park with kids I trust/ his younger brother, for about 20 mins out of sight. Can be left alone in the house for 30 mins.

CelestialGalaxy · 22/09/2021 19:44

@sHREDDIES19 mine are exactly like yours....and i know other boys that are even less independent than mine!

OnlyFlans · 22/09/2021 20:00

I think my 9 year old is quite independent- certainly more so than his older brother was at that age!

He's a v early riser 🤦🏻‍♀️ so gets himself up, makes his own breakfast (cereal, toast, fruit etc) and feeds the cat. Then gets himself dressed for school, face wash, teeth brush etc.

School is quite far away with 3 massive main roads to cross so don't let him do that, too many crazy drivers around! I also don't let him go to the park or local shop unless he's with his older brother - I trust my 9 year old but not necessarily other people!

Both my kids have limited screen ad gaming time.

He often makes his own lunch, makes me a cup of tea and can make a great sponge cake unsupervised- an excellent life skill imho!

He's expected to keep his room clean and tidy, to change the bed clothes and hoover the floor when I remind him.

He also does little house jobs when asked like lay or clear the table, peg out or bring in the washing, load the dishwasher, put his clothes away in his cupboard etc.

He attends 2 sports clubs and has matches which I take him to but he just gets on with things whilst he's there, I'm not needed!

Actually he does pretty much what his 14 year old brother does, probably because he's learned from him!

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