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Original poster

Shall I leave my husband

30 replies

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 16:38

We've been together 10 years and have a 2 year old, things were good, but since having our child I've seen him in a different light and I feel like I really dislike him now and can't snap out of it! I feel like he's lazy, sits and watches me do everything, treats me like a housekeeper, barely helps me, moans about everything, he says its me, and I've changed since having our dd (which i have) We argue constantly and sometimes in front of our dd which breaks my heart, he blames me for everything, says I'm always upset and moody and its all in my head, I've tried to tell me how unhappy I am and we need to resolve things, but he says I'm the one causing the issues and I should just get on with it, or he just gets angry and shouts and tells me to leave! We can never sort anything out by talking, so I feel I need to shut up and put up with being miserable or leave, which I don't want for my child! I dont know what to do but im so sad for my child.....

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2021 16:43

I feel like he's lazy, sits and watches me do everything, treats me like a housekeeper, barely helps me, moans about everything

My guess is that he was exactly like this before you had the baby, but now that you're a mum, you've finally acknowledged how shit his behaviour really is. Men like this don't change.

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 16:51

Aquamarine - not really, or at least i never really noticed, before we had our dd we were never really home much, both work full time jobs, out at the weekends, out for dinner, completely respected each other, were fairly equal, whoever was home first would cook, he would put the washing on ect, there was obviously less to do aswell but since having our dd its like he thinks I'm his mum aswell and just sits and let's me to everything, I have thought about just not doing it, but that's not fair on our dd! I just don't know how its happened! But its more the way we treat each other and speak to each other now thats heart breaking, he's so rude and nasty, I find myself being the same back

OP posts:

Cam001 · 20/09/2021 17:01

You need to reframe how you think about this - he shouldn't be "helping" you, he should be pulling his weight.

This happens to so many women, who only really wake up to the reality of the patriarchy once they have a child - this includes my DD who has a 9 month old and a DH who has turned into a 1940s husband.

What's your situation OP? Do you own or rent? Do you work? Do you have family/friends who could support you if you split?

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Relationship problems

gingercatsparky · 20/09/2021 17:08

I am in the same boat. Something has just clicked in me and I have had enough. He complains that I am moody, never want sex and I am tired but hardly surprising when I run around all day.

I don't want to talk or spend time with him as we just argue. We don't seem to agree on anything. We are seeking couples counselling. Or I am- despite asking him too.

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 17:14

Cam - the mortgage is in his name, it was his house before we got together, we are married, I work night as have no family and can't afford childcare, and no support really!

Gingercat - really similar, I'm exhausted for doing everything and resent him for letting me, then I just get moaned at for being grumpy, tired and not wanting sex!! Says its me causing the problems, then I get depressed and wonder if I am!!!

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SmellyOldOwls · 20/09/2021 17:24

Tell him he'll need to pay for a cleaner if he's not willing to do his bit. If he says he can't afford it, point out that if you leave him he'll have 50% custody meaning he will have to pay for childcare when he's at work, and will have to clean and cook for himself in his own house.

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 17:28

Smelly - this is nothing I havent said before, he thinks he pulls his weight and tries to make me happy, but says nothing he does makes me happy!! If I try to explain anything it just ends up in an argument, and he blames me for everything and then turns nasty until I'm quiet! There's no talking to him!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 17:32

I think its more then him not pulling his weight now, its the complete disregard for my feelings, the upset, the arguments, going round in circles, I'm so down all the time now, and it just breaks my heart as this is not what I wanted for my dd and she doesn't deserve this, but I just don't know what to do about it!!

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thenewduchessofhastings · 20/09/2021 17:44

@Missmarple45

Cam - the mortgage is in his name, it was his house before we got together, we are married, I work night as have no family and can't afford childcare, and no support really!

You're married;it doesn't matter if the mortgage is in his name;you're entitled to 50% of everything if you split.

So many women find the same;they don't notice they do or did the majority of the housework before the children come along because it's just the two of you and it doesn't seem that much and then the baby arrives making the enormous amount of work and mess that babies do and your sleep deprived and exhausted and suddenly they wake up to what a lazy turd their partner actually is.

The thing that jumps out here is the fact he's told you that you need to stop moaning and get on with it.What a disgusting misogynistic attitude that is.Your both equally responsible for the tiny human you produced together and the home you live in together.

Let me guess;he moved straight out of his mummy's house and in with you and your MIL did everything for him at home.

SuperStarRose · 20/09/2021 17:45

That's right you're entitled to half of everything including the house

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 18:01

He will never move out of the house, he's told me that already, I will have to move myself and my dd out and I know he will make my life hell!! Its just easier to stay

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HalzTangz · 20/09/2021 18:41

@Missmarple45

He will never move out of the house, he's told me that already, I will have to move myself and my dd out and I know he will make my life hell!! Its just easier to stay

How will it make your life hell?

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 20/09/2021 19:01

Arguments over dd, he's already said he won't let me take her, coming over to the new place giving me hassle, phone calls, threats, im not sure I can put my dd through that!

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Original poster

Missmarple45 · 22/09/2021 18:23

He's just told me if I try to take his house (I never even mentioned it) there would be trouble! I'm scared what he will do!

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 22/09/2021 18:30

Full of hot air at the moment, but he'll change afterwards. It'll be too much hard work to carry on like that for long. And you may think it's easier to stay, but for how long? Ten years? Twenty years? Until you're old? He's a nasty bully, isn't he?

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 22/09/2021 18:48

I dont know what to do he is the type of person to follow up on his threats, he will hound me day and night! And what do I do with dd? Keep her away from her dad who she adores or let her see him, I dont trust him? I'm genuinely scared of doing anything at the moment, I dont want to stay and I don't want to go!

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YukoandHiro · 22/09/2021 18:54

OP listen to your messages. It's illegal to hound you day and night - he literally can't do that, you can get the police involved.
Imagine this was your child telling you this. What would you say? What would you want for them? And for your grandchild?
Treat yourself with the samelove and respect that you have for your child. If you do this you will be teaching your child to respect themselves and their parents. If you stay, what are they learning about relationships?
Do you have any family you can stay with while you get back on your feet?

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 22/09/2021 18:57

Do you have any family you can talk this through with, he sounds awful 😞

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 22/09/2021 19:24

He says its all me, and I'm the one causing all the problems, if it wasn't for me then we would have a lovely family life! He has me questioning if it is me! The thing that puts a doubt in my mind is, that alot of the time things are ok, but I think that's because I just don't say anything, but if I do say something he twist things around on me and blames me! He's never been physically violent but he has a vile temper, I've seen it before with his parents, he has threatened me before saying if I didnt shut up he would punch me in the face, so I never said anything else, last night when I told him I couldn't live like this anymore we got into an argument and he threatened to punch me in the face, and today because I went out with dd and didn't ask him to come with us he threatened to throw a hot coffee in my face! I know how bad that's sounds, but when I ask him how he can expect me to stay he says he only active that because of me but its my fault we are like this, if I wasn't like this everything would be fine, I'm going to break up a family, I'm going to hurt dd!
Sorry for ranting, when I read this back, I know how it sound and what I would say to someone but I just can't think straight.
And no, I dont have anyone to talk to or anywhere to say.

OP posts:

UnionistMum · 22/09/2021 19:31

OP, it’s so so sad to read about your situation. It’s even more sad to see that this is happening to too many women day in and day out.
I know it’s very scary and confusing.
Stay strong and maybe start working on a exit plan? Slowly start getting organised in case things escalate,as from what you have said on your posts, I think maybe your ‘D’ H could turn violent ( as many others do).
Wishing you the best

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 22/09/2021 19:32

When you were just talking about the uneven split of housework, I was going to say that I think it’s worth giving it one last attempt to reconcile things, but based on your last update I think you should definitely leave. You shouldn’t be with someone who threatens violence and intimidation, I don’t think there is any coming back from that.

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 22/09/2021 19:33

I feel like telling his parents, then if its out in the open and people know I might feel better, but then I dont know how he will react! Sad thing is, I dont think they will be surprised.

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UnionistMum · 22/09/2021 19:40

@Missmarple45

He says its all me, and I'm the one causing all the problems, if it wasn't for me then we would have a lovely family life! He has me questioning if it is me! The thing that puts a doubt in my mind is, that alot of the time things are ok, but I think that's because I just don't say anything, but if I do say something he twist things around on me and blames me! He's never been physically violent but he has a vile temper, I've seen it before with his parents, he has threatened me before saying if I didnt shut up he would punch me in the face, so I never said anything else, last night when I told him I couldn't live like this anymore we got into an argument and he threatened to punch me in the face, and today because I went out with dd and didn't ask him to come with us he threatened to throw a hot coffee in my face! I know how bad that's sounds, but when I ask him how he can expect me to stay he says he only active that because of me but its my fault we are like this, if I wasn't like this everything would be fine, I'm going to break up a family, I'm going to hurt dd! Sorry for ranting, when I read this back, I know how it sound and what I would say to someone but I just can't think straight. And no, I dont have anyone to talk to or anywhere to say.

Hi Op, just seeing this! This is so bad! Don’t let your dad grow up thinking it’s ok to be treated like that. I also have a DD and am a single mum. DD’s dad and I coparent and get on well, albeit with its own issues. It’s so important to me that I teach my daughter that she deserves and demands to be treated with respect, so I lead by example.

I cannot imagine what you are going through but think about the message you will be sending out to your daughter of what to expect from future interpersonal relationships.

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 22/09/2021 19:45

My worry is, at least if I stay, I'm always around when they are together, if we split up, then he will have access and they will spend time on there own, and I wont be there! He's not a bad dad, and dd dotes on him, I just don't think I can trust him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Missmarple45 · 22/09/2021 19:48

I would say he's threatened violence 4 times in ten years!

OP posts:

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