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Original poster

DC(6) refused to leave cafe and had a tantrum

73 replies

Walkingriver · 18/09/2021 13:32

DC(6) flatly refused to leave a cafe today and as I got up to leave he starting shouting, blocked the archway to leave with both arms and legs spread across it. I had to forcibly move his arm to get passed him and he threw himself on the floor screeching and howling. I managed to get him on his feet and pull him out of the cafe by his arm, all the while he was screeching and thrashing.

The cafe was packed and so many people were staring at us. I could die of shame and embarrassment. He’s 6 ffs. When I, as his DM, say we are leaving why on earth does a 6yo think they get to dictate otherwise?

What could I have done differently? I can never go into that cafe again, his behaviour was horrific and loud.

(We had been waiting 20 mins for table service and despite assurances they would take our order soon, 3 times, I said let’s go to a different cafe nearby).

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 18/09/2021 14:05

Agree with PPs more details are needed!

Did you explain you would eat else where or did you just stand up and say right we’re leaving? There’s nothing worse than bad service especially when you’re hangry!

Mybalconyiscracking · 18/09/2021 14:05

My 18yo is still a nightmare if she hasn’t eaten.

Droite · 18/09/2021 14:09

@Wnikat

He was hungry and they’ve been back at school two weeks and are tired.
Oh, FFS. Children are not tired because they've spent two weeks at school.

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ReggaetonLente · 18/09/2021 14:09

Honestly my parenting got a lot easier and more pleasant when I just stopped giving a shit what other people thought.

Everyone knows the perfect way to parent and it's always the way they did it!

It's over now, it sounds like a one off, you won't see any of those people again. Just have a cuddle and forget about it, he's only small still.

ParkheadParadise · 18/09/2021 14:10

You dragged him out by his arm? No wonder people were looking. Did you ask him why he was carrying on before it escalated to this point?

😂😂😂😂
I always drag dd out by her feet, it's so much easier 😜😜

VoyageInTheDark · 18/09/2021 14:13

My DD is younger but I've had to physically remove her from places when reasoning doesn't work. I mean what else can you do?!

Cyw2018 · 18/09/2021 14:14

No wonder your ashamed and never want to go back there after YOUR behaviour. Your son was probably hungry, maybe tired, frustrated with the wait, as you were, and maybe dissapointed if he likes that cafe but less able to deal with that frustration and dissapointment than you due to being 6 years old.

OP you really need to learn to parent tantrums better.

FourTeaFallOut · 18/09/2021 14:15

Pick them up and move them, not drag them by their arm through a crowded cafe wondering why people are looking at you?

ShowOfHands · 18/09/2021 14:17

I'd never let it get that far

OP, please don't let comments like this get to you. If I'd only ever parented my first born, I could probably convince myself that my parenting was the sole decider of behaviour. Fortunately, I had other children and now work with families on a daily basis. Sometimes, whether it's due to neurodevelopment, age and stage, external factors, sensory needs, internal responses to various senses and stimulus, changes outside of a child's control, environmental factors and so on, a child at the young age of 6 will lose control. And I promise you that in the majority of cases, the parent is already feeling shame and worry, knowing that people are judging their parenting as if they have the first idea about what's actually happening in that moment. We don't need to heap that shame on other parents when they're asking for help or venting or anxious.

I'm really pleased that some parents never experience this. It does make for an easier life. But you must be careful not to assume that the sole reason you've never experienced it is because your parenting is superior.

SylvanasWindrunner · 18/09/2021 14:21

I recommend the book How to talk so kids listen...

I read the toddler version of this book after DD had a tantrum at soft play that I dealt with badly and realised I needed some better strategies for dealing with stuff that wasn't just telling her off and physically removing her. It's really changed how we approach stuff and next time we went to soft play, she left happily, and we can often defuse tantrums before they happen.

FourTeaFallOut · 18/09/2021 14:22

One of my children has sen. It's because of this that I plan the next moves carefully in these situations and take my time around changing plans so that things don't escalate.

I have had to move my children out of situations quickly - which has involved picking them up and finding a safer place for them to lose their shit.

But I've never dragged them around by their arm and then wondered what was wrong with them,.

Beamur · 18/09/2021 14:23

He was hungry and by leaving he knew it was going to be even longer before he had food so had a meltdown. Entirely understandable behaviour.
Hopefully you won't have this happen again. But have some snacks in your bag and signpost clearly how and when the food will be forthcoming.

Thesearmsofmine · 18/09/2021 14:24

Does he often get like this or is it a one off?
Once I took ds2 to a supermarket at that age and he had a huge tantrum from nowhere and it was totally out of character for him and it threw me. . It turned out he was poorly later that day so I imagine that was why he had acted in such an unusual way. I would always pick them up rather than drag though, I had to carry him under my arm!

SylvanasWindrunner · 18/09/2021 14:24

Also hunger can cause all kinds of irrational behaviour, and a lot of the time young kids don't realise they are hungry until they are really hungry and on the brink of hanger, and even then they can't always link feeling hungry to being angry or frustrated or cross or explain that they are upset because they're hungry.

averylongtimeago · 18/09/2021 14:26

What a lot of perfect parents of perfect children on this thread!

Yes, give a reason- "we've waited ages, we will go to the other cafe" , but the behaviour described had to be dealt with, and removing the child was the correct thing to do.

As for carrying the child out, a thrashing 6 yr old would be very difficult to pick up and carry out safely- a flailing foot would have knocked over hot drinks or hit people's faces

CoronaPeroni · 18/09/2021 14:30

You would have got a lot of judgy onlookers if you had got down and vainly tried to reason with him! You did the right thing by removing him.

Hellocatshome · 18/09/2021 14:31

Honestly I can be a right bitch when I'm hungry and I'm 37! If he isnt normally like this then I think it was a one off hangry incident.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 18/09/2021 14:32

@FourTeaFallOut

You dragged him out by his arm? No wonder people were looking. Did you ask him why he was carrying on before it escalated to this point?
A 6yo in the middle of a mad episode isn’t going to pause and say “look I know I’m going crazy here, but I’m really hungry. I’ve waited for 20 minutes and I’m not leaving”. Once a child starts with a tantrum you just need to remove them from the sitution, not attempt a heart to heart. Also..since when is it up to a 6 year old to have any say in what you do? If you’re leaving you’re leaving! However hungry they are, they do what you say! Don’t worry. You did the right thing. 6 year olds area funny mix of very young uncontrollable emotion and reasonable big kid, and you never know quite which one you might get in a given situation!
Droite · 18/09/2021 14:34

@FourTeaFallOut

Pick them up and move them, not drag them by their arm through a crowded cafe wondering why people are looking at you?
Where does it say OP dragged her son across a crowded café? He was already at the exit, OP just needed to pull him through it.
Goldbar · 18/09/2021 14:35

Of course parents can drag/carry their screaming children out of situations when they have to. What's the alternative? Walk away and leave them there?

If an adult was carrying on like that, I'd just leave and leave them to it. Clearly, I can't do that with my small child. Luckily, they're still small enough for a fireman's hoist over the shoulder.

Smartiepants79 · 18/09/2021 14:37

He’s 6. He doesn’t know why he was being a pain.
I can hear this conversation right now

  • why are you screeching?
  • cos I am
  • why?
  • cos I don’t want to go
  • but we’re leaving
-but I don’t want to
  • but we’re leaving ….. and on and on…
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 18/09/2021 14:40

I'd have just walked off and left him to it.

FawkesThePhoenix · 18/09/2021 14:48

I dont think you did anything wrong.

I'm all for discussing things with kids and telling them what happening ect but my god, a 6 year old doesnt get to dictate what his mother can and cant do. I'd have forcibly removed him too and let him calm down once we were out of the busy cafe.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 14:52

Not an excuse but back to school hosts a whole new timetable and usually that's lunch before 12
..
Weekends see us dealing with an overtired crabby dc...
Early nights cure all ime!!
For you too op...
And a realistic punishment for your dc...

CheshireChat · 18/09/2021 15:07

Are you by any chance (as a family, not the OP in particular) disorganised so you miss out on activities?

My ex was like this and DS used to end up hysterical particularly as his dad didn't try and organise something else.

He's a lot calmer with me as he it doesn't happen too often and I always clarify what's going on before plans get changed.

On the other hand, same kid has been Jekyll and Hyde all in the span of about 3 minutes.

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