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Original poster

My husband is lonely - do we move for him?

42 replies

PenguinParty2021 · 18/09/2021 03:12

TL; DR My husband is lonely where we live. Do I agree to move to his hometown?

Apologies for the length but I don’t want to drip feed.

We moved out of London last year to a large village in commuting distance of London. The village is local to where I grew up. However, I don’t have any friends still in the area.

Due to the pandemic and lockdowns it’s been difficult to meet other people and therefore we just tend to hang out with each other.

My mother is local and I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal depression (our DS is 8 weeks) so I need all the support I can get right now and having her close has been amazing. This is our first DC and it’s bought my mum and I so much closer.

When we were looking to buy I ruled out my husband’s home town (in a different county). He does have quite a large group of friends. Although at the time of looking to buy the friends our age weren’t looking to move back to their hometown - it was an older group of friends that I’m not that close to. My main reason for not moving to that town is that it would entirely be his friends and my friendships would be with the WAGs. If anything did go wrong between us, he would have his support network there. However, since we bought our house quite a few of his school friends have all moved back and several have kids.

Where we are has excellent facilities, we’re in walking distance of an outstanding rated primary school and generally the education system would be great for our DS and any future children.

I’ve recently joined a local baby group and have an NCT group so am now meeting up with other mums. I think in time, I’d feel comfortable suggesting meeting for drinks/with partners etc.

However, I’m conscious that my husband doesn’t have a friendship group here and I think he’s quite lonely.

Our mortgage is up for renewal next year (August) so we need to decide what to do as our mortgage broker is going to be in touch in February.

I’m really torn as to what we do - I love having my mother nearby. She’s 71 and very active but is getting older and I know that a lot of support will be on me to provide. However, I can’t make decisions for us based entirely on her. Although, when I do return to work I know that she will be available for childcare to help with the costs. She would be really upset if we moved away - it’s not her first grandchild but she loves him so much and helps out a lot already.

My husband would love for us to move to his hometown but it’s large, schools aren’t as great and the commute to London would be more challenging. However, we would have a ready made friendship group.

I’m really torn as to what is best for us. Do I insist we stay for another couple of years and see how things improve? It would give us time to try and forge our own friendships etc. Or do I agree to move back to his hometown so he has his friends?

Thanks if you’ve got to the end of all of this!

OP posts:
lannistunut · 18/09/2021 03:18

I don't think his friends can really trump your family, the commute, your childcare and schooling options!

He needs to unlonely himself IMO, he can visit those friends, surely, and try to make new contacts where you are?

Perching · 18/09/2021 03:23

It has always taken us about 2 years to settle properly whenever we have moved house. Your reasons for wanting to stay in sound.
He needs to start watering his own patch though, it as been tricky due to covid but he also has to make an effort.

BootsScootsAndToots · 18/09/2021 03:23

Personally I think why do you have to give up everything?

Is there a halfway solution, somewhere you can move to so dh can see his friends and you can see your DM?

Making friends takes time. We moved to my home country and 3 years in I'd say dh doesn't have any strong friendships, just those he knows through work (lots of Irish in Aus) and a footy team he's joined.

He's on WhatsApp groups with his mates who are in Ireland, other parts of Europe and a few in the US so he's never out of the loop.

I wouldn't be moving to Ireland for dh mates! I'd move for his family and if it was a better place to raise our DC.

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DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 18/09/2021 03:24

Stay.

MorningNinja · 18/09/2021 03:26

What attempts has he made to make friends? Does he have a hobby or sport that he likes?

He really needs to make an effort with things here.

Newmum29 · 18/09/2021 03:27

Massive generalisation here but I find most couples have friends through the wife/girlfriends - if you were moving to be closer to his family fine but I wouldn’t for his friends. I say this as someone who lives in my husbands hometown.

mummaelle · 18/09/2021 03:29

I think you'd be out of your mind to move for the sake of your husband not having friend's local.

There are many new ways to make new friendships such as hobbies and clubs, especially now lockdown is gone.

Mariell · 18/09/2021 03:50

Would he insiders a local hobby where he could meet others and make friends?

TheWeatherWitch · 18/09/2021 04:17

Lockdown has been hard on everyone.

You’ve got to give living in your new village at least a full 12 months of ‘normal’ life before you decide to quit.

Once he finds his groove, joins the darts team or learns to appreciate the best dog walking route or discovers the real ale and pies at his newest local or just starts chatting with someone, anyone, then he will fell more like a local.

I presume you moved out of London for a reason or two. Remind him, enjoy your garden this weekend, go for a walk, have Sunday lunch at the local pub, sit in the garden with a cuppa and the fire pit lit and just watch the stars. But don’t give up this soon. Covid really has made life hard work.

domesticslattern · 18/09/2021 06:33

Sweetheart, you have an 8 week old baby and PND, and moved house last year in a pandemic. You sound lovely but you are posting in the middle of the night worrying about your mortgage renewal next August, schools, your mum's future health and your husband.
Please please take one thing at a time. PND and sleep deprivation are so shit and can lead to so much anxiety and over-thinking. Concentrate on getting well, making friends, establishing your new way of living with your new baby, not major life moves and the future. Give it a few months at least. Flowers

Babamamananarama · 18/09/2021 07:07

I've recently moved very close to my parents after living 250 miles away from them previously. My kids were 7 and 4 when we moved. OMG having engaged grandparents on your doorstep is an absolute godsend. Life would have been so much easier and more pleasant if we'd lived close to them when the kids were babies/toddlers and we were trying to keep two careers going and renovate a flat.
Don't underestimate what a gift you have with your mum on the doorstep. The years your mum and your kids can spend together are very precious ones.

Claraboochuffing · 18/09/2021 07:14

Don't move. you only moved last year and covid has made things very hard.

he needs to find new friends. ..you can't find a new mother.

GoodnightGrandma · 18/09/2021 07:17

From what you have said it sounds like you should stay.
He needs to get involved in local stuff to make new friends.

Cattitudes · 18/09/2021 07:20

What has he done to make friends so far? Friends don't usually just come knocking at the door. Once you move to his home town it would be very hard to move back. How well do you get on with his family, his friends?

To be honest with a little baby and PND I would be staying put for a few years where you have the support. If the schooling options are poor then they may not be oversubscribed so you can move when the dc are older if you both still want to.

EileenGC · 18/09/2021 07:24

How far are you from his hometown? Is there a reason why he can’t meet up with them occasionally? Perhaps not right now but once the baby is a bit older and you can both travel there for the day.

Or does his idea of moving back involve weekly pub outings with his mates whilst you take care of the baby?

I’ve moved countries a few times and I still have and feel my close friends’ support, despite the distance. We see each other regularly as much as our circumstances allow - so if instead of a 2h flight he’s a 2h drive away from his hometown, I don’t see why they couldn’t organise get-togethers every couple of months or so? I’d suggest even more often but I realise you have a small baby still.

chantico · 18/09/2021 07:36

You don't really have any friends where you are - you're making them from scratch.

You can do the same in his hometown, where you will also have a set of ready-made acquaintances.

OTOH, he could make friends where you are, or does his working/commuting pattern make that hard?

What is the journey like between your DMum and potential new town?

I think you're being a little premature with considering schools. They can change over the years, and if a whole town really had poor schools then there would be huge efforts (and investment) thrown at improvement

And I agree with PP that you are not in a good place right now to be making decisions, what with the new baby and your PND. You sound anxious about a decision that does not fall due for 5 months, and which isn't irrevocably tied in to that timeline anyhow

Wapawapa · 18/09/2021 07:37

Once people have children the friendship dynamic changes anyway. He might be remembering pre-uni days where he saw his friends every day/ there was always someone around.
Once people have their own families it might be a park meet up once a fortnight or poker night once a month and that's the only time his friends have free.

I think it would be a huge mistake to move to be closer to his friends.

Wapawapa · 18/09/2021 07:37

As in - to only have his friends as the reason for the move

Rainbowqueeen · 18/09/2021 07:40

I’d stay where you are.

He needs to make an effort to find friends.

Re-evaluate in a couple of years

CassandraTrotter · 18/09/2021 07:40

What has he done to meet new people?

SheWoreYellow · 18/09/2021 07:41

I would think you can arrange a partners NCT thing soon.

Maybe he could arrange for people to come and visit for an evening to tide him over.

I agree with those saying you have an eight week baby and PND. You need to not add any more stuff into the mix.

Does your DH have potential to make friends at work? I think if you can get him going to a hobby meet up once every couple of weeks, have a friend come up every six weeks, have an nct partners thing every couple of months it will feel enough for now.

SalsaLove · 18/09/2021 07:43

It doesn’t necessarily follow that you will become friends with the WAGs. I was welcomed to my husband’s friendship group as his wife but not as an individual.

AnxiousAbi · 18/09/2021 07:46

Where are DP’s family?

Caramellatteplease · 18/09/2021 07:46

Nope no way.

If you split you could be stuck there isolated. It happens too often with the way family courts operate. Never agree to live as a family somewhere you wouldn't live as a single parent.

As area of universally crap secondary schools for nearly twenty year (despite outstanding primaries)I can confirm they dont always change despite investment or attempts to do so.

Right now you have house, family, schooling and growing friendships. You would be utterly crazy to disrupt that

Hunkydory99 · 18/09/2021 07:49

I don’t think anyone should move anywhere just because of friendships. People grow apart and change, priorities change as you get older and there’s nothing to stop these friends moving away for work etc so you could be in the same position in a few years. Family who are able to help with childcare and support you IMO far more important in your decision making. Like others have said, what is your partner doing to make friends? You can’t help him if he’s unwilling to help himself