My husband is lonely - do we move for him?

[PenguinParty2021]

TL; DR My husband is lonely where we live. Do I agree to move to his hometown?

Apologies for the length but I don’t want to drip feed.

We moved out of London last year to a large village in commuting distance of London. The village is local to where I grew up. However, I don’t have any friends still in the area.

Due to the pandemic and lockdowns it’s been difficult to meet other people and therefore we just tend to hang out with each other.

My mother is local and I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal depression (our DS is 8 weeks) so I need all the support I can get right now and having her close has been amazing. This is our first DC and it’s bought my mum and I so much closer.

When we were looking to buy I ruled out my husband’s home town (in a different county). He does have quite a large group of friends. Although at the time of looking to buy the friends our age weren’t looking to move back to their hometown - it was an older group of friends that I’m not that close to. My main reason for not moving to that town is that it would entirely be his friends and my friendships would be with the WAGs. If anything did go wrong between us, he would have his support network there. However, since we bought our house quite a few of his school friends have all moved back and several have kids.

Where we are has excellent facilities, we’re in walking distance of an outstanding rated primary school and generally the education system would be great for our DS and any future children.

I’ve recently joined a local baby group and have an NCT group so am now meeting up with other mums. I think in time, I’d feel comfortable suggesting meeting for drinks/with partners etc.

However, I’m conscious that my husband doesn’t have a friendship group here and I think he’s quite lonely.

Our mortgage is up for renewal next year (August) so we need to decide what to do as our mortgage broker is going to be in touch in February.

I’m really torn as to what we do - I love having my mother nearby. She’s 71 and very active but is getting older and I know that a lot of support will be on me to provide. However, I can’t make decisions for us based entirely on her. Although, when I do return to work I know that she will be available for childcare to help with the costs. She would be really upset if we moved away - it’s not her first grandchild but she loves him so much and helps out a lot already.

My husband would love for us to move to his hometown but it’s large, schools aren’t as great and the commute to London would be more challenging. However, we would have a ready made friendship group.

I’m really torn as to what is best for us. Do I insist we stay for another couple of years and see how things improve? It would give us time to try and forge our own friendships etc. Or do I agree to move back to his hometown so he has his friends?

Thanks if you’ve got to the end of all of this!

Why can't he visit his friends ? They visit you? The UK isn't that big!

@domesticslattern

Sweetheart, you have an 8 week old baby and PND, and moved house last year in a pandemic. You sound lovely but you are posting in the middle of the night worrying about your mortgage renewal next August, schools, your mum's future health and your husband. Please please take one thing at a time. PND and sleep deprivation are so shit and can lead to so much anxiety and over-thinking. Concentrate on getting well, making friends, establishing your new way of living with your new baby, not major life moves and the future. Give it a few months at least.

Most sensible response I've ever seen on MN.

If your dh had that big group of friends in his hometown it seems likely he will start to make friends where you are now once he has more of a chance when lockdown ends. He can also go for the odd boys night out in his hometown if he wants to when restrictions lift. I think having the support of your mum and the nice area for your dc is very important for you and the dc, so you should try to hold on to that and see if your dh can start building up some local friendships and start maintaining his old friendships a bit more long distance.

Your dh did choose to move to your current area so there must be something about it he liked and the fact he didn't insist on moving to his hometown shows being close to his old friends wasn't his no 1 priority when you decided to move. Even the fact he moved from his hometown to London for work in the first place shows being around those friends all the time is not something he needs to be happy. So I think in time he may well get to like your new place and make some new friends.

What are the distances involved here? Can you arrange to see DH’s friends regularly at the weekend/have them stay over? Seems crazy to move just for that.

We moved away from friends but they all made similar moves in the end so it was the right choice.

Our new town was new to us and we didn’t have friends locally. We did still have friends at work though so would socialise with them.

Getting to know parents at school was the main driver for our new friendship group (well mine, DH is a anti social bugger so he kind of just tags along 😐). But our dcs were older.

As you’ve got a young baby, it is paramount that you prioritise your mental health. It really is. Your DH needs to make an effort to sort out his social group tbh. There’s no guarantee that you’ll have the same support if you move.

Stay. The support network you have is in place, would you have it in your husbands hometown? Schools are better

You say the commute would be much worse, so when would your husband see his friends and family? Probably no more than he sees them now. They have their own families as well. He would end up being tired all the time

Why can’t he join groups in the village and make new friends? What hobbies does he have? Can he join a gym nearby etc

Stay put. You need to put baby and yourself over friends, who may be too busy these days for socialising. But allocate some budget and time to travel to meet with his friends. How far are they? DP has a very strong friendship group with his secondary school friends and they still manage to meet regularly despite being scattered all around the country.

@domesticslattern

Sweetheart, you have an 8 week old baby and PND, and moved house last year in a pandemic. You sound lovely but you are posting in the middle of the night worrying about your mortgage renewal next August, schools, your mum's future health and your husband. Please please take one thing at a time. PND and sleep deprivation are so shit and can lead to so much anxiety and over-thinking. Concentrate on getting well, making friends, establishing your new way of living with your new baby, not major life moves and the future. Give it a few months at least.

This.

I think you should stay and would be mad to move. But that's kind of beside the point. You shouldn't even be worrying about this now. Focus on yourself and your baby. It's not your job to look after DH as well!

What efforts has your husband made to make friends where you live now?

Because, reading between the lines, he doesn’t necessarily sound ‘lonely’, he sounds like someone who wants to go back to live in his home town because of a readymade friendship group, which would be positive for him only, and for no other reason for you, your mother or your child.

No, I wouldn’t consider moving. Though it’s not clear whether your husband has actually brought this up and asked you to move?

Is your dh being supportive about your PND and equally parenting your 8 week old? Because reading between the lines it seems like your Mum has become your rock and support and you’ve posted a little comment about being worried that if you moved back to your dhs hometown and you split up you’d have no friends… seems an odd comment to me, as if there are problems and you think you might split up?

You’re not responsible for your dhs happiness. He’s a grown man and should be making his own friends. You’ve got enough on your plate.

If the expectation is that you would become friends with the wives and girlfriends of his friends then, if you’re putting things in place to make new friendships where you are, why can’t he become friends with the husbands and boyfriends of the new friends you make?

Stay where you are for all the reasons you have outlined. In your position I would not even consider moving.
Your DH should currently be focused on you and the baby and building his career. He could easily join a club to make friends locally (eg sport). In time he will meet other Dad's through your DC's friends through nursery/school etc.
If your DH thinks moving back to his original home town will magically lead to him being less lonely he is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Thank you everyone for responding. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not being difficult if I say we absolutely are staying.

Unfortunately due to distances there is no halfway option. We do have some dates in the diary to go to his hometown in the next couple of months.

Just to clarify - DH is amazing with our baby and goes above and beyond for me in regards to helping. I don’t envisage us splitting up but you never know…

As to hobbies - he doesn’t really have particular hobbies that would open him up to people our age. The only one really was he was keen to join the local cricket team but this year it didn’t happen due to me being pregnant. This is his plan for next summer which I think will help. Otherwise he hasn’t really made much effort but he’s not sure really how.

All your responses have been lovely but I just wanted to say a particular thank you to @domesticslattern - your response made me cry (but in a good way!).

Sounds like he needs to make the effort to meet people like you did.
That’s why you’re mixing in and making friends. You put your big girl pants on and got on with it.

He needs to do the same. Perhaps there will be some mum and baby bring a friend or partner events he and other husbands could attend with you if he won’t join a darts club or whatever? Or ask about if there’s a dad and baby (weekend day) group he could attend (I’m presuming weekdays he’s working)?

I’d there anything else he’d be up for getting involved in re the house, like a gardening thing or anything - granted it’s autumn and most things will kick off in spring. Walking club? Asking about cricket as they may have a social side over the winter?

There must be something. Even if it’s the two of you going to the pub and just taking to people, if your mum could mind dc for a couple of hours and only I’d you want to obv.

He needs to yet before giving up. What happens if you move to his village and the friends he moved to be nearer to move away! You’re screwed! No he needs to make an effort.

He needs to try, not needs to ‘yet’ !

OP it does sound like you always plan to do things together. You say you have some dates to go back to his hometown together, he didn't join the cricket club because you were pregnant and so on. Of course it's good to do things together often, but if you plan to do things separately a bit more often it will give him more chance of making his own friends and going out and about as otherwise things will always have to be family friendly. Of course if he does go out by himself he should take his turn looking after the baby while you have a bit of time to yourself too.

Can he see if the cricket team do winter training so he doesn’t have to wait until next year to get involved? Due to timings of our baby and toddler by husband has done more net training than actual cricket playing the last few years 😬