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Original poster

How quickly did you make friends at the school gates?

59 replies

KittenMama · 16/09/2021 17:47

My DD has started reception and it's been a big change for both of us.

I'd kind of been looking forward to making friends with other parents and I keep reassuring DD she'll make new friends but I'm worried for myself. We've moved area and I desperately need local friends to keep my sanity!

However, it's been all of a week and a half and I'm still searching for my people at the school gates.

Have the WhatsApp groups already started?

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 16/09/2021 19:06

I am absolutely rubbish at small talk and chatting to people I don't know.
When DD was in Year R I knew one other mum so I used to chat to her mostly.
I did get talking to other mums mostly because I had a newborn with me so everyone would make comments.
The main way I have become on speaking terms with people is over the course of two years being invited to attend birthday parties.
I still am rubbish chatting but I will make a bee line for one or two mums and ask about weekend plans or talk about my youngest who is always with us.

It's really hard and if you're not a chatty person it's tricky.

My tips would be don't look at your phone and try to make eye contact with a friendly looking person. If they look and smile, say Hi and ask who their child is and ask how they're getting on.

It gets easier over time.

LimeRedBanana · 16/09/2021 19:06

@Waxonwaxoff0

Never. I've got friends already, I'm not bothered about forcing school mum friendships. DS is in Year 4 and I have never socialised with any of the parents.
That’s probably not the most helpful advice for someone who is looking to make connections.
CloudPop · 16/09/2021 19:15

@HotPenguin

Join the PTA! They are usually separate for volunteers.
Agreed - volunteer for things when they are asked for - manning cake sale table, second hand uniform sale etc. Might be a while until these things kick off but an excellent way of meeting a few people

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Kleo · 16/09/2021 19:21

I didn't make one friend until in the summer holidays AFTER reception, because our kids were great friends and we had a playdate over summer, then the mum and I totally clicked. I found out at that point there was a whole class WhatsApp etc that I'd never been part of. She added me but by then it was a new class for year 1. I say hello to some mums and that's it until THIS summer where same thing, playdate planned and we got on. I've found as your kids make friends and you arrange to get them together, you then build a bit of a circle.

My youngest is now in reception and I can tell some mums are wanting to make friends. I'm trying to make an effort to be friendly because it did feel a bit crap that there was a WhatsApp group without me. I think the advice to join PTA is great.

Bubbean · 16/09/2021 19:23

It does take time and a thick skin! I’m quite sensitive and had a newborn when my son started reception so was uber tired which made it even harder to start conversations with strangers.

I found keeping an eye out for other people on their own, on the edge of things or new worked well ..I made a couple of lovely friends by just taking a deep breath and making a bee line for a newbie and saying ‘morning, are you new here?’ pretending I was confident when I wasn’t! You soon sense if people aren’t interested (that’s where the thick skin comes in!) The school gate has taught me it’s not always personal if people don’t want to chat or make friends and if it is - oh well!
Do you have a local playground near the school? In the two schools we’ve been in , I’ve found a lot of parents gravitate there on the way home and was another way of getting to chat.

Someone made a bee line for me this afternoon and introduced themselves- yippee! Grin
I promise there are nice , friendly people out there - good luck! I know it’s not easy x

LindaLooky · 16/09/2021 19:25

My DS is year 2 and I've not really gelled with anyone. I tried in reception but didnt really get far. It bothered me at first but not so much now. It might change now parties are back in the calendar.

Other groups seem to get on. Mums of similar ages or with similarly aged little kids. Guess it depends on the luck of the draw

FinallyHere · 16/09/2021 19:30

@Waxonwaxoff0

Never. I've got friends already,

OP ´mentioned that she has moved areas.

MrsSchadenfreude · 16/09/2021 19:34

I didn’t. I was the only working mother and they were all horrible to me. I got comments like “I don’t know why you bothered having children if you were just going to give them to someone else to look after” and “It’s a pity you didn’t marry someone who earned enough for you not to work.” I had an unhappy and friendless year when DD1 was in reception, and she never got invited to any play dates. It got better in Year 1 and I got to know some other people who were studying, and not interested in coffee mornings, getting their nails done and playing tennis, and we used to go out drinking in the evening. They were also treated like pariahs by the other mothers.

NatashaRf · 16/09/2021 19:36

Too quickly.

Was overly keen to make friends.

Thought I had.

Turned out to be sneaky, lying bitches.

Took for my oldest to be in Y3 for me to finally find 'my people'

If I could give reception mum me any advice it would be "be pleasant to everyone, but best friends to no one"

RicherThanYew · 16/09/2021 19:38

Making friends lol I'm trying not to make eye contact let alone anything else Grin

RockAndRollBaby · 16/09/2021 19:44

My DS has just gone into year 1 and this is when I am "getting to know" the other moms. I have 1 that I talk to regular and text occasionally of an evening. Give it time. Smile and be pleasant and you will soon find your people.

FinallyHere · 16/09/2021 19:45

@NatashaRf is very wise, the first people you get to know may well turn out to not be your real friends or tribe.

Hold you never and be pleasant to everyone meanwhile. They will become visible, I promise.

fuckoffImcounting · 16/09/2021 19:47

I was absolutely ruthless - I was older than the other mums and they tried to shut me out, but I walked up with a grin on my mug and said hello can little Olivia come to play after school tomorrow. I had a play date for my only DC five nights a week and I made friends with the mums on the back of it and through sheer bloody mindedness - I am a very shy introvert - but me and DC really needed friends.

Kite22 · 16/09/2021 19:58

I think you are expecting too much.

I don't think many people are looking to make friends with people they might see / smile at or nod to twice a day for a few minutes, just because they happened to give birth in the same school year.

People can be friendly , and, once you get to know each other a little bit, then people start helping one another out, but, unless you happen to walk to and from the school on the same route each say and happen to walk together, you aren't likely to 'make friends' with other parents just delivering your child.

Comedycook · 16/09/2021 20:00

I got comments like “I don’t know why you bothered having children if you were just going to give them to someone else to look after” and “It’s a pity you didn’t marry someone who earned enough for you not to work.”

I'm not saying you're lying but surely people don't actually say this out loud even if they're thinking it

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 16/09/2021 20:03

I started to make friends properly when the play dates/park dates started. So once my DD had made her proper friends. Maybe 2 months in.

HungryHippo11 · 16/09/2021 20:10

Is there a school committee or PTA you could join? Its usually only a couple of meetings across the year but a good way to get involved with the school and get to know some parents.

BurntO · 16/09/2021 20:17

Year 4 and no friends here. I only do pick up one a week except for when I was on MAT leave. I don’t even know anyone’s name

isitweds9thseptyet · 16/09/2021 20:21

I agree it seems to be the party season kick off that escalates things and where numbers are swapped.

Pta is a great idea. As i governors.

Keep doing what you are doing. Smile and be open.

It takes a few weeks to work out who picks up and drops off on what days. As not many do all five.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 17/09/2021 19:25

It took longer than that for me, and I make friends easily enough. Two things - I became friends with the mums and dads of DC's pals. Plus, I stood around smiling and eventually people started talking to me. TBH, that's my general tactic Grin

MrsSchadenfreude · 17/09/2021 19:32

@Comedycook I’m afraid they did. Two of the particularly nasty mothers did. And no-one stood up for me!

It was an international school, and a lot of the women were quite bitter about having to give up their jobs/lives to follow Brian or Graham with his career. None of them learned the language or ventured further than the village where the school was. It was all very insular.

Comedycook · 17/09/2021 19:33

Sounds horrendous!

Raaaaaaarr · 17/09/2021 19:33

I'm just too busy so never have. I have a few mums that I'd speak to at the gate and we do each other favours etc but it doesn't really go beyond that really. I don't think you can really force friendships. They take a long time.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/09/2021 19:38

Don't rely on the school gates for friends. Just because people have children the same age doesn't mean you will have anything in common.

Join a club, a gym, get a hobby, volunteer, get a job. You are far more likely to find like minded people that way.

Steelesauce · 17/09/2021 19:49

Honestly? Just relax a bit. Your kid will make friends and you'll end up chatting to their mums etc. But don't rely on the school gates to find your people! Find other ways to make friends. I'm 6 years into the school run and got another 7years to go. You naturally make friends over that period of time.