Do you hold some resentment for one of your parents?

[faithfulbird20]

Do you? I hold some resentment against my mum. Like I wish she bothered with me and my school life a bit more than she did. Parents day or homework. It was just something you just got on with. It's like she didn't care. Even asking about how my day was or friends or whatever. It never happened. There was no way to bond. She just loved cooking or talking to her family who were far away. If I did go in the kitchen to learn how to cook/bake she wouldn't really let me learn. She'd give me other jobs to do like washing a pot or unloading the dishwasher.

I dont resent my DF really as I'm sure he thought he was doing the best thing but I wish he would have spent more time with us and less time working. I think he thought as making as much money as possible was the right thing to do but I would have rather had less money and more of his time.

I suppose resentment is a strong word. I'm not sure what word would be best. But yeah I agree I would have happily had less stuff and more of her time.

Yes, both of them

Did your father (if he was in the picture) do the things you resent your mother not doing?

Yeah he did at times. But somethings only a mother can do. I don't think she ever understood me. Now that she kinda needs me in her old age. I find it annoying and hilarious like...you didn't bother with me as a kid...why should I help you when a) it's not my issue to deal with b) you weren't u really there for me as kid...

Yes. A lot.

My dad killed himself when I was 9.... I resented him for that for a long time. Until I grew up and became less selfish and realised there must have been underlying issues

Yes and I relate a lot to OP. Feel resentful looking after her now when she did the bare minimum and was emotionally neglectful and boredejne physic neglectful at times regarding my care.

I do. But my parents will receive no feedback. None. Even "you hurt me" is perceiv3d as a huge act of aggression perpetrated against them so they are the victims of me now. There will be no discussion. They will not listen. But then they will label me "angry" when they goaded me in to this frustration with 18 months of stonewalling.

I am finally accepting that i have to give up.
There is one perspective allowed and it isnt mine. There perspective will not even be amended slightly. No. Never.

So yes, i despair that my parents are so immature.

Physically that should have said

I simply never liked them, I only recently told one of them, I will not bother telling the other, I just can't be around them anymore, after the break in the pandemic I just don't want them in my life anymore, they add nothing just take away and I had given them over a decade to understand this and they just don't want to be any different.

One parent at least has some charisma he is very selfish. The other there is nothing about them at all, they are mean in every way you can be mean, they don't joke or laugh at jokes or have anything interesting to say, they don't listen, they don't look into anything so have no general or specialist knowledge and have about twelve things they can talk about over and over or gossip about people you don't know and you aren't interested in, they love the misfortune of others, I can't be doing with such a mean dull person anymore.

They sabotaged me to try to elevate themselves as if putting someone else down is good.

I don't resent them, I just think of them as not a part of my life or family anymore they are just random people now, I simply don't care like I did, I don't hate them, it took years to get here though.

I will not attend their deaths or funerals they didn't for their parents, they didn't attend a school play or sports day, I have no feelings of obligation or guilt anymore.

When I read your question I immediately thought 'yes, my mother for leaving'. I wasn't aware that I felt that. She left after giving ddad an ultimatum that he failed. It really wasn't her fault. She had been unhappy for years. And she gave me choices of where to live. But it was right before my GCSEs, it was painful and emotional and I think I immediately started seeking love and affection in a bottle and in seeking sex with boys. Thank god before I went too far with the other boys I met a really lovely guy who was sensible, loving, teetotal, fun and safe and who I stayed with until I started university.

I do, and it has been intensified completely since finding out I'm pregnant, to the point that I can't even bare being in the same room as my mother. For actually quite opposite reasons to previous posters though. My mum massively let me down when I was a child and disregarded me telling her about the abuse I'd experienced the night before. But then over the years, she seems to try and make up for it by being there too much and wanting our lives to be about each other, which has just pushed me further and further away.

My late dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic, who lied, twisted the truth wherever he could, bullied my mum, step-mum and me. No-one believed what he was really like, because he was so charming to family & friends and I'm now the one left out in the cold, frozen out by everyone. I know the truth but it really hurts that no-one believed me and family don't speak to me.

VanishingWitch

Why do you need to be believed or want the good opinion of horrible people?

On and off. My DM committed suicide when I was 11 so I lurch from forgiveness and pity to forgiveness.

*resentment.

Could have written your exact post. It’s especially hard to have her in my life now I’m a mum as she did so many bad things.

From her perspective she probably thinks she’s a great Mum. But generally she just never took an interest in my life, never sit and did my hair. In her word she ‘wanted a tomboy but got a girly girl’. Always put men first. We had locks on our bedroom doors as a solution to stop her partners son stealing from us.. very high conflict situation, when I look back I was in some serious fucked up and unsafe situations.

When I went to uni I got dropped off and basically abandoned. No financial or emotional support. Room got decorated the next day.

My dad always left my mum when I was young and had a new family, we had nothing and they had everything. He saw us one evening a month, whenever we stayed at his house our ‘stepmother’ would find a reason to say we were selfish/ badly behaved and we’d get sent home. Basically in each home I was uncomfortable and alone.

I have a good relationship with my dad now, mostly because he admits he was a shit dad. And has some redeeming qualities whereas my mum is more hard work.

It really messes with your head, when you become a parent yourself and just see how little your parents obviously cared for you.

Yes. I know there are others who have had much worse, but constantly treating a child like you don't like them is very damaging.

Snapping, irritation, insults, no positive attention throughout childhood and still into adulthood. It wasn't until i has my own child that I realised how awful it was. I love my child and show it - how can a parent not? But my mum is fucked - she geniuely thinks calling someone pathetic/useless/hopeless is affectionate.

@SunIsBehindGreySky I've made my peace with it now, as it's several years since he died. Relatives chose to side with him and believed what he told them, without bothering to hear what I had to say. I suffered vicious verbal attacks from his friends who accused me of being the bad person, the liar. All those years, from childhood to when he finally died a few years ago took their toll on my health, physically and mentally. It hurt, a lot.

VanishingWitch

They probably enjoyed watching him hurt others that's what attracted them to him, and then they got permission to join in, their good opinion of you shouldn't be worth anything. I hope one day you can brush off people like that, it's nice when you can, I can sometimes laugh at people like that now, there is something wrong with them.

Both my parents were so fucking awful my feeling a for them go way beyond resentment.

However, I am at peace now with the fact they brought nothing positive to my life, either as a child or an adult. If there was a parenting test, they'd have failed it many times over.

Yes, both.

My mother for having psych issues which made her single me out to accuse me of all kinds of things which were all untrue and my father for knowing about it but not doing anything about it.

I was a child for gods sake.

Yes my mum for never getting over the fact that I was an unwanted pregnancy. She was totally disinterested in me.

If there was a parenting test, they'd have failed it many times over.

I think of parents of peers to my children and friends and family of mine, I don't know if it was in a particularly bad situation, I can find fault with every one of them in various ways, though not all were dreadful, I doubt all would pass a SS inspection.

For example, a Westminster civil servant and tracher, they were anorexics who starved their children. They had an obsession with a certain country that suffers famine, I won't say anymore.

I can think of several other anorexics and alcoholics.

Plenty of neglegant parents including a barrister.

It is quite common I think, there are some lovely parents out there and many people in denial about how dreadful themselves and their parents are.

I have resentment to both my parents. My mum is a narcissist and openly brags she should never have had kids. My dad wasn't around until I was nearly middle aged but has supposedly been trying to make up for it. I realised very recently that he is really only playing lip service to this.
I'm no contact with my mum and low contact with my dad and honestly,it's hard.