To feel like I'm always the 'short straw' in friendships?

[bellabentley]

Okay so this is more of a 'get this off my chest' rant, but I would like to hear other MN users stories/opinions/what to do

I have always felt like I draw the 'short straw' in my friendship group and I dont know why it's always me?

I do enjoy spending time with my friends and we are all collectively quite a nice group of friends - friends since school (25 years and counting) but throughout my life I have always noticed that when it comes to group dynamics etc I always seem to get the shit end of the bargain, and I dont know why or how to handle it

a few examples

Whenever anybody organises a dinner party/get together or a night out - everyone is buzzing, group chat goes wild, we all arrange to swap shifts at work etc, organise a place to stay, great such fun, but when I suggest or try and organise a party/get together suddenly people aren't as enthusiastic or bothered, a lot of 'well i'll see if i can make it' 'me and DH are going to be doing something that weekend' 'can't you have it on XXXX date instead?" etc again its almost like when Bella organises something, it ends up being taken over and completely changed to suit everyone else?

Another example, friend of ours always has a NYE Party in her home in Manchester, we all live in the Leicestershire region, so we usually car share between the 8 of us, as 3 of us dont drive drive (me included). However whenever it comes to me getting there, I always seem to be left till last, and there was actually once where all cars were full and I was essentially told to 'get the train' - despite one care having a spare seat 'but we didn't want to cram 3 of us in the backseat as Michelle gets claustrophobic , despite Michelle being a driver herself, she insited on having a place in the car (which she'd never done before!) and I was left to navigate and pay for 3 trains on my own - and to top it off, nobody even offered to put my overnight case in their boot to lessen my strain! If that was me I would be doing everything I could to help out or tweak things so nobody was left behind?

Lastly a great example, sometimes the others will get together and have a dog walk, or a cuppa at the local farm shop, sometimes I wont even get a text message because 'they assumed I would be at work' - which I mostly am, but the fact that I wasn't even messaged to me, seems a bit off. But heaven forbid if one of the others didn't get a text, it would be bedlam, and when I have actually in the past said it's upset or annoyed me, they then collectively get PISSY with ME for being 'a drama queen'

I dont want to lose my friends as we are all very close in many ways, and I do enjoy our friendships and such and I wouldn't want to lose them, but I was wondering if any MN had any similar experiences and how you changed/coped?

sorry for the massive essay, im tired, emotional and had a bad week at work, needed to rant!! x

Sorry OP but these people aren't your friends. The train thing? Fuck that shit. Ditch the lot of them and start recognising your own worth. I'd rather have nobody than people who were disrespecting me.

Same

They sound awful! Being called drama Queen pointing out missed you off invite rather than so sorry we try do better next time. Time cut loses and make own friends. If was me and really no space in car I would offer take case or better still get someone go on train with you. Goodness they must all been laughing behind you back all the way there (sorry)

I agree. Not your friends.

I'm not going to lie though - I'd love to hear another "side" from someone else in the group!

Massive step back needed here.

I know how you feel. One of my friends was visiting her parents and I was visiting mine (same town). Saw her in the afternoon for half hour as that’s all she could spare. She was talking about how she was going to the cinema that night with other friends, I wasn’t invited.

She then said “I suppose you could come if you want to drive us. I don’t feel like driving.” I keep her at arms length now as she has form. Will see me if she happens to be in the same area for something more exciting later that night with someone else. I only merit half an hour in Costa.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

I agree. Not your friends.

I'm not going to lie though - I'd love to hear another "side" from someone else in the group!

Why so?

We haven't ever really fell out - we are all really close in some ways, supported eachtother so well through a death, several marriages and children etc, and I know you're not supposed to say this but I consider myself a nice person, I've never been horrible or been a bitch to anyone, my other friend who I see daily through work, knows these lot through mutual friends and she always comments on how close we all are, and how we are a nice group to be around, but she agrees with me that sometimes it comes across like Im the 'last thought' in the group - i've always struggled with voicing my opinion or being more 'forthcoming' due to an abusive childhood and fear of upsetting people so tend to just put up with it and not say anything but it's only now in my 30's that I realise I sometimes get taken for a mug :(

Because if they were your friends they would include you

@ChrissyPlummer

I know how you feel. One of my friends was visiting her parents and I was visiting mine (same town). Saw her in the afternoon for half hour as that’s all she could spare. She was talking about how she was going to the cinema that night with other friends, I wasn’t invited.

She then said “I suppose you could come if you want to drive us. I don’t feel like driving.” I keep her at arms length now as she has form. Will see me if she happens to be in the same area for something more exciting later that night with someone else. I only merit half an hour in Costa.

I had a friend like this once, we were really close at university, he was a foreign exchange student and I helped him settle into the UK, took him everywhere with me, helped him with language barriers, sorting out work placements you name it I did it

He moved back to Spain after 3 years at uni, saw on FB that he was in my home city (I stayed at home for uni) and messaged asking to meet up, - he gave me an hour, because he was off to go bowling and drinks with some friends that he only really met during his final year, I asked to meet up maybe later in the week but he 'didnt have time' - saw on FB that he was going to a friend of a friends for dinner as a PLUS ONE - not even an invited guest, 3 years of me essentially being his UK mum, and he only have me an hour at Costa, and even then, he was constantly checking his phone and trying to make excuses to leave early - broke my fucking heart :(

Some times in group there can seem to a weaker member for some reason and anyone sticking up for you would be treated same way. Hence all pilling on or no one offering go on train with you. It’s just group dynamics sure there is some technical term. I’d see one or two for coffee one on one but start making other friendships too.

It’s not a reflection on you but if you were a very sensitive and quiet “doormat” as child that’s way they are always going see you now.

They sound horrible. I’d imagine you’ve all changed a lot since school, and you won’t have all changed in the same way. My group of friends was the same throughout school - we all lived in the same part of town, our families had similar incomes, and were friends. At secondary school we were all quite academic, so in the top sets, but once we left school and college and developed as people, we began to go our separate ways. Most of us are still Facebook or Instagram friends, and I’m sure some are much more in touch than others, but I think that’s normal.

You must all be at completely different stages of life. Some with babies, some with children leaving home, some not wanting children at all. Some financially well off, others struggling? I think you need to try to make some new friends, and concentrate on now rather than who you were friends with in the fifth year. Anyone leaving one person to struggle is horrible, but when they all did, you know they’re not worth your time.

Part of the issue is you dont make an issue of it of you are left off.

For once of you aren't happy let them know- and make bedlam like one of the others would.

Obviously if they step back then you know they weren't really your friends.

Or if you are closer to one of them you could express how you feel about this and see what they say.

@bellabentley

Look at all the posts on here about friendships breaking down. There's plenty from both sides of the coin. OPs in your position and OPs asking how to deal with (who they would call) a difficult member of the group. 99% of the time responses will side with the OP because only one side is being presented.

If there's one thing that MN has brought to the forefront of my mind is that there are always at least 2 sides and none of them are really accurate.

Whoever's right or wrong, it's time to step back and invest in other friendships.

Everything else I could probably live with if I really wanted to stay friends with these people but the train thing? That's so unkind!! I think I'd be taking a step back from the group - partly to see if anyone cared enough to notice!

[quote MilkTwoSugarsThanks]@bellabentley

Look at all the posts on here about friendships breaking down. There's plenty from both sides of the coin. OPs in your position and OPs asking how to deal with (who they would call) a difficult member of the group. 99% of the time responses will side with the OP because only one side is being presented.

If there's one thing that MN has brought to the forefront of my mind is that there are always at least 2 sides and none of them are really accurate.

Whoever's right or wrong, it's time to step back and invest in other friendships.[/quote]
and I do agree with you - if we all meet up separately it's completely different, 1-1 meetings are fine and lovely, in fact I had a coffee and cake with one of the girls last night which was amazing, and we stayed up late chatting,

I meet them all individually all the time for playdates etc, it just seems to be whenever we are all in a 'group' context that this kind of thing happens?

Any thoughts?

They sound awful. Do you really want friends like that In Your life?

Kick up a fuss, tell them some home truths and stand your ground.

I'd rather be pretty much friendless than have people like that in my life that treat me like an afterthought.

Looking from outside, being part of this group of friends 'for ever' probably looks perfect and the envy of many.

Inside the group, though, there are always dynamics, such as in a pack of dogs. Loyal, loving but one will be top tog, others supporters and there will inevitably be someone at the bottom of the pack.

It is difficult, almost impossible to change these dynamics while remaining part of group as before.

One way to help yourself is to develop interests and friends outside the group, where there are no such dynamics. By all means stay part of the group but make sure they are not your only source of social activity.

If they are decent and want you to be part of the group, they will check in with you as part of the plans. If they are stuck in their current dynamics, they you have lost nothing and gained much. Good luck.

The last thing I think yabu. I think it's fair to do something as casual as a dog walk or coffee and not to want to text around the whole group on the off chance that someone who usually works at that time is having a day off.

The first thing also yab a bit u. Organising group things can be a hassle for exactly this reason, people can't make it, there's back and forth on the date/time/location, you won't be the only one this happens to.

The train thing though - wtf!

@Marcee

Part of the issue is you dont make an issue of it of you are left off.

For once of you aren't happy let them know- and make bedlam like one of the others would.

Obviously if they step back then you know they weren't really your friends.

Or if you are closer to one of them you could express how you feel about this and see what they say.

Yes, I definitely think this is part of it. There are no consequences for anyone else if you’re left out, because you say yourself you’re the most timorous and quiet of the group, and over 25 years, those dynamics get pretty entrenched. You can be safely disregarded, because after all the incidents you mentioned, you trotted quietly back for more of the same. You behave as though you’re unimportant, and others pick up on your cues.

I’m not blaming you here, OP, but I think you need to take responsibility for some part of this dynamic playing out over 25 years. And if it’s happening with more than one friendship/set of friends (as with your foreign student example), then I think you need to think about the way you relate to people. Are you a people-pleaser in other parts of your life? Do you put up with others’ bad behaviour at work without complaint, even when it directly impacts your life? Do you have problems pointing out unfairness? For instance, did you say ‘will you take my overnight bag in the car to Manchester?’ Or ‘I’m not going to take three trains by myself while the rest of you drive, so I won’t be joining you for this one’?

Are you afraid that if you don’t go, even when your presence seems like an afterthought, that in fact no one will miss you, and you’ll just stop getting invited?

The good thing is that when it’s something you’re doing/contributing to, you can change it, with effort. You need to work on your poor self-esteem, and why you see yourself as unimportant, and why you keep seeking out situations where people treat you thoughtlessly — especially if it stems from an abusive childhood. A good therapist would be a great start.

It sounds like the short straw always falls with you because they think you’re the most accommodating and the least likely to make a fuss. I think them not texting you because you’re normally at work is just laziness on their part and would be quite a common thing to happen to most people if they haven’t been able to make it to a few meet ups.
It’s so hard to break out of a role that a group has put you in. I always used to be the quiet one and I’m not in the same group anymore.
I wouldn’t say you need to drop them as friends, but if you’re not happy about something speak up. With everything else just let them get on with it and try not to worry too much. Like PPs have said there’s always the queen bee and her supporters

It sounds like you are in the classic situation of staying with a group of friends just because you've known each other a long time. A lot of people invest so much time and energy into maintaining friendships simply because of the number of years that has passed together.
From what you've described, they don't sound as though they genuinely care about you, they don't make the effort to give you an equal place in the group. They might also enjoy the familiarity of the long friendship, but they aren't the sort of good friends that will go out of their way for you.
I also had this sort of friendship group from school and by my late 30s I decided to gradually drift away from them - no big falling out, I just stopped initiating things. If I wasn't as included in an event then I didn't go, rather than go and be on the edges. We now exchange birthday and Christmas cards and the occasional message but that pressure of having to battle for my place in the group is gone and it honestly was so liberating.
Stop making an effort with this group, move them into secondary place, concentrate on your other friends, spend time with other people, try out some new hobbies where you might meet new people. You will fill the gap easily.

@bellabentley

People serve different purposes in your life. You may well be the type of person who is a great one to one friend, but perhaps your personality is not suited to a group situation (even possibly just this particular group). Obviously I don't know.

I've seen posts on this before, like "My friend is lovely and I love meeting up with her one to one but really drags the group dynamic down." or "I love my friend dearly, but I can't cope with her for more than 24hrs and we're supposed to be going on a group trip."

Hell, I know damn well I'm that person! So I keep out of "the group" and see people individually 🤷🏼‍♀️

Does everyone have a partner and kids including yourself?

These people are no longer true friends, and the train situation is absolutely awful and spiteful.

Please learn to have some self-respect and stand up for yourself when you feel yourself being undermined or left out etc. Better still, start looking around to make new friends and take a step back from these people.

These people don't consider you friends, OP. You deserve better than this.