To feel like I'm always the 'short straw' in friendships?

[bellabentley]

Okay so this is more of a 'get this off my chest' rant, but I would like to hear other MN users stories/opinions/what to do

I have always felt like I draw the 'short straw' in my friendship group and I dont know why it's always me?

I do enjoy spending time with my friends and we are all collectively quite a nice group of friends - friends since school (25 years and counting) but throughout my life I have always noticed that when it comes to group dynamics etc I always seem to get the shit end of the bargain, and I dont know why or how to handle it

a few examples

Whenever anybody organises a dinner party/get together or a night out - everyone is buzzing, group chat goes wild, we all arrange to swap shifts at work etc, organise a place to stay, great such fun, but when I suggest or try and organise a party/get together suddenly people aren't as enthusiastic or bothered, a lot of 'well i'll see if i can make it' 'me and DH are going to be doing something that weekend' 'can't you have it on XXXX date instead?" etc again its almost like when Bella organises something, it ends up being taken over and completely changed to suit everyone else?

Another example, friend of ours always has a NYE Party in her home in Manchester, we all live in the Leicestershire region, so we usually car share between the 8 of us, as 3 of us dont drive drive (me included). However whenever it comes to me getting there, I always seem to be left till last, and there was actually once where all cars were full and I was essentially told to 'get the train' - despite one care having a spare seat 'but we didn't want to cram 3 of us in the backseat as Michelle gets claustrophobic , despite Michelle being a driver herself, she insited on having a place in the car (which she'd never done before!) and I was left to navigate and pay for 3 trains on my own - and to top it off, nobody even offered to put my overnight case in their boot to lessen my strain! If that was me I would be doing everything I could to help out or tweak things so nobody was left behind?

Lastly a great example, sometimes the others will get together and have a dog walk, or a cuppa at the local farm shop, sometimes I wont even get a text message because 'they assumed I would be at work' - which I mostly am, but the fact that I wasn't even messaged to me, seems a bit off. But heaven forbid if one of the others didn't get a text, it would be bedlam, and when I have actually in the past said it's upset or annoyed me, they then collectively get PISSY with ME for being 'a drama queen'

I dont want to lose my friends as we are all very close in many ways, and I do enjoy our friendships and such and I wouldn't want to lose them, but I was wondering if any MN had any similar experiences and how you changed/coped?

sorry for the massive essay, im tired, emotional and had a bad week at work, needed to rant!! x

Would reflect on your relationships with people within the group and experiences doing stuff together, and decide how much time you now want to spend with them vs other options for your free time.

YABU on the dog walk meet up. If we want to meet friends in the week and usually work, onus is on us to organise it.

The train thing seems mean of your friends on the surface. It wasn’t, however, unreasonable for someone who can drive to want a lift that specific time, new year’s eve, or indeed any specific time. You don’t drive, which puts you at a disadvantage as you don’t reciprocate lifts. Perhaps there was no boot space with 4 adult passengers.

3 adults in the back of a car is fine for short journeys but horrible for longer ones. Especially if 1 is claustrophobic. Also you can't really judge her not wanting to drive on the odd occasion when you yourself don't drive at all.

It does sound like they are closer to each other than to you. And that's okay, groups within groups do happen. I'm in a group and I am definitely the last thought. I know I could change things if I put in more effort but the dynamic works for us all at the moment.

It's really hard to tell without hearing both sides of the story. Maybe they are leaving you out and valuing you less.

But on the other hand, some of this sounds normal. I wouldn't keep inviting someone to walks when I knew they were usually at work, you'd naturally form a subgroup of people who were around at the walk time - i don't think everyone in a large group always needs to be invited to everything.

And the train thing sounds harsh, but equally its annoying when non-drivers just assume you will automatically drive them somewhere. Even if they pay you for fuel, there are maintenance costs, and the faff of getting petrol, then driving to theirs to pick them up, being constrained to leave at a time that suits everyone, then having to be focused on the driving while everyone else is chatting, with your car really full of everyone's luggage. Don't get me wrong, I happily give people lifts, but it is a favour, not something that they should expect of me or take for granted.

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

Sorry OP but these people aren't your friends. The train thing? Fuck that shit. Ditch the lot of them and start recognising your own worth. I'd rather have nobody than people who were disrespecting me.

This

Sorry to say this I think it’s because you are the weakest link.
To keep the peace in a group some need to compromise and because you are nice/agreeable (maybe not consciously doing it) they know you will cause least conflict/ change of plans.
So you need to say no and be prepared to conflict/ miss out on an activity if you want equal weight of consideration.

I think they are your friends, one to one proves that IMO.

3 years of me essentially being his UK mum, and he only have me an hour at Costa

Why would you put yourself in this role? And for such a long time? His real mum was probably feeling similarly sidelined on his return visits to Spain. It’s not a healthy dynamic to create with someone who isn’t your son.

Makes me wonder what role you’ve created/accepted in the group.

@SparklingLime

3 years of me essentially being his UK mum, and he only have me an hour at Costa

Why would you put yourself in this role? And for such a long time? His real mum was probably feeling similarly sidelined on his return visits to Spain. It’s not a healthy dynamic to create with someone who isn’t your son.

Makes me wonder what role you’ve created/accepted in the group.

I think that’s a revealing anecdote, too. The OP describes herself as ‘a close friend’ and also as ‘his UK Mum’ — two completely different things. I was often a foreign student’s college ‘mother’, and there were times when I ended up having to be very involved, like when a Korean student who’d barely left his small town had a nervous breakdown, but I would never have considered them close friends.

I also think that when, as the OP did, you invest a huge amount in a relationship where you have more power than the other person and which is based on you helping them, you need to think about why you’re doing it, how much you can spare, and what you expect in return. I’ve seen my mother do this over and over and be completely baffled when the rescuee doesn’t view her as someone to include in fun, because she’s presented herself as a sort of permanently-available service provider, rather than an independent individual with a life of her own.

Hi OP, I’m sorry the friendships are causing you stress. I would say if this is the predominant emotion you are feeling when communicating and spending time with this group, then it is time to revaluate and weigh up is it worth the emotional cost to you? Friendships are meant to be positive influences in our lives, not draining and hurtful. The length of time you have known them is irrespective really, any friendship whether long term of many many years or a recently formed one can become toxic. The question you should ask is it worth it to you?

It does read that you may be a little needy of these people, perhaps you feel obligated to them as you have known them a long time, but experience has taught me that unbalanced relationships can be problematic. The party ‘giving out more’ of themselves than the other/s can be left open to hurt and rejection. Or it can just be plain dissatisfying and frustrating to be putting into friendships when you get little (positive) back in return. The best friendships have good balance, in that you need/ want the relationship equally and are equally putting in to it. From what you have said if it were me, I would withdraw and not giving them any more occasion for ill treatment - life is too short! There are genuinely lovely people out there who would enjoy your time and friendship and vice versa 🙂

The train thing sounds v mean. Out of curiosity what was your reception from them when you did arrive at the NYE?
I think its hard because the one time you did raise an issue, the people who create bedlam if their needs arn't met slapped you down as a drama queen, which seems unfair and doesn't bode well for assertiveness,
Having said that I do think you ought to calmly and politely with no emotive words stick up for your self , such as "Would anybody mind putting my case in the boot for the trip?"
Or What a shame! I was off work today and would have loved to join you for a walk or even. I'm off work next week if anyone would like a walk?
And Im afraid I would no longer get involved in events like the NYE when you have to jump through hoops. Perhaps Michelle got in first and you need to be quicker off the mark. But I still would have messaged, does anyone have any room for me..
PP have suggested taking a bit of a step back and focussing on other friendships for a while, which sounds like a good idea, to take the pressure off as it were. I know its hurtful, but I think in a large group people can get overlooked, rather than some of them being deliberately mean (not including the train incident in this), its still no fun tho. Are there any people in the group you get on with more than others? They are the ones you should be inviting towalks. etc.

Hi op yes it's the same for me. I could organise a drink- no one turn up. Or make excuses on the day. Other friends don't seem to have the problem.

I would have an honest chat with the one you recently had coffee and a long talk with. Maybe she will shed some light. Encourage her to be candid.

@SparklingLime

3 years of me essentially being his UK mum, and he only have me an hour at Costa

Why would you put yourself in this role? And for such a long time? His real mum was probably feeling similarly sidelined on his return visits to Spain. It’s not a healthy dynamic to create with someone who isn’t your son.

Makes me wonder what role you’ve created/accepted in the group.

When I say UK mum,

Im 32, he's 32. We were at uni the same time, same age, and it wasn't a 'motherly' dynamic, I used that a term of phrase, I did things like helped him understand our local train network, bus times etc

Maybe its a phrase Im used to saying 'I'm like your mother!' but perhaps you misunderstood the dynamic of it (or maybe assumed wrong?) I didnt literally mean be his mother in a maternal way. I meant be that friend who he could always ask for help if life got a bit complicated in a foreign country.

@SeriouslyISuppose you've read FAR too much into my comment about 'UK Mum' we are the same age, was both 23 when we was together at uni, when I said 'UK Mum' I meant it as a term of phrase - 'Im like your mother' - I did things like helped him understand local transport, translate the odd bit that confused him etc, it was never a 'power dynamic' or anything like that, it was more so a friendship in which I really helped him settle in over here.

he never viewed me as a 'service' provider, or 'permanently available as I said in a previous reply, it was a friendship dynamic, both equal, we were like 2 peas in a pod, nothing at all like what you have described and he knew that, and so did I. I was hurt that he seemed to be more bothered about other friends who barely spent time with him, compared to me.

• perhaps my phrasing has come off wrong

Thank you to everyone who replied - given me food for thought!

I took a step back from MN a few years ago as It was getting very toxic, and quite personal on certain topics, glad to see we have moved on from that environment, but I do still find some MN users very judgemental and seem to over analyse everything!

I feel the same. Other people seem to get invited to social events. If I want to go out for coffee, I have to make the phonecall.

Look, OP, you spent a lot of words describing in detail what you did for him over three years, and how it ‘broke your heart’ that he gave you less time when he visited than to friends he’d only met in third year. That is a classic people-pleaser complaint. ‘Look at everything I did for X, and he treats me with no consideration, whereas he willingly spends time with fun types who did nothing for him.’

If it’s a once off, could absolutely be he’s an inconsiderate git being nasty to an old friend when there’s a better option. I can certainly see why you found the coffee upsetting. But if being overlooked, taken for granted, ‘last thought’ or only included in a tokenistic kind of way is happening with separate friends or friendship groups in your life, the fact is that the common denominator is you. You asked how to ‘cope or change.’ What I said in my first post up the thread still stands.

Good luck.

You do come across as the easiest one to ignore because you're nice and timid. But your friends may also be a bit selfish - nice people to hang out with, support you when it suits them, but they could still be selfish.
My group of friends (albeit only 4 people) would never leave someone to take the train when everyone else had cars - the least we'd do is pay for the train ticket. Plenty of people don't however it's first come first serve.
And the 'UK Mum' thing - you seem to have put yourself out quite a bit. His English must've been good enough to qualify for a UK university - he's presumably also capable of using Google and there's plenty of documentation on how local trains etc work (unlike in my country where you'd find a single 5 year old PDF on a well-hidden government website). I'm sorry to say that he's happily used you and the dumped you when it felt convenient.

This comes with age and experience though. In uni I used to be nice, pleasant, friendly and helpful to everyone only to realise that it doesn't make you friends. So I stepped away and found people who liked me for me. It meant having to become assertive but my friends are now like minded people who have the same expectations of friendship that I do.