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Original poster

If you had known then what you know now, would you still have children?

51 replies

madkittylady · 10/09/2021 23:38

So I have been chatting with my best friend tonight and we came to this conclusion.

If we had known (almost 20 years ago) how shit the world would get i.e social media, global warming etc. would we still have had our children?

We both have adult children/older teens and I have an 11 year old and what sort of life is it for them? My 11 year is already obsessed with how she looks and it just makes me feel so sad.

We both decided that if we knew them what we know now, we 100% wouldn't have children. Are we being unusual?

Disclaimer - didn't want to post this in AIBU as it's brutal over there!

OP posts:
Kite22 · 10/09/2021 23:42

Well, I think you are unusual.
I don't regret having my dc (now young adults).
I think there have always been 'threats' and worrying situations - so many things are so much better now for our dc than for dc growing up 40, 50, 70, 80, years ago. I don't think we live in a terrible world.

None of my dc are obsessed with how they look. Surely a lot of that has to do with parenting up until now ?

Duckypoohs · 10/09/2021 23:48

No I don't think so. The world does not seem to be going in a good direction.

Nichebitch · 10/09/2021 23:48

Quite a common line of thinking, and nothing to do with parenting. Threats have always been there and as a parent you can of course prepare your children as much as you can - but social media and climate change were not there decades ago, and nothing compares. I work in social media and I have started doing charity work regarding the damage caused by social media and fake news in young people - I can tell you is far worse than most people realise (not trying to sound gloomy). Having said that, most teens with proper support networks grow out of it

Duckypoohs · 10/09/2021 23:53

If you think being obsessed with looks is down to parenting your dc are are probably blessed with average or acceptable looks. This society is not kind to below average looking women people.

Southlandssue · 10/09/2021 23:54

No I don’t think I would, my DS is only 8 but it feels like the world has changed so much even in his lifetime. Having children would certainly be a much harder decision now than it was then

Kite22 · 11/09/2021 00:11

@Southlandssue, do you not think that, from when we become parents, we look at things differently, rather than the world actually has changed particularly in the last 8 years?
There an many, many posts on here from parents who take difficult news much harder since they have their own dc.

Amammai · 11/09/2021 00:16

Yes I would. The world has changed rapidly BUT I still feel there is far more good in the world and I feel I am raising a child who can contribute positively to society and live a happy life.

Kpo58 · 11/09/2021 00:16

I would. We haven't had a war on the UK mainland for a very long time and we aren't being wiped out be the black death every few years or dying from easily currently infections any more. We also get to learn how to read and write, rather than being shoved down a coal mine as a young child.

We have never had it so good. There is never a best time in history to have children, but there are certainly less worse times than others to have them.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 11/09/2021 00:21

I'd have started younger and had more.

It's tough at times and can be exhausting and emotionally draining, but my heart is full, they are my purpose, and their unconditional love is the biggest blessing apart from when they say "mummy, mummy, mummy" on repeat. There's no denying that they can be demanding little buggers.

BobsBurgersisthebest · 11/09/2021 00:23

My sibling once said "it was selfish of people to have children, with all the shit in the world" To an extent, I agree.

However, I wouldn't have changed my mind. The children created today are the children of the future. Hopefully they'll get something right!

ParkheadParadise · 11/09/2021 00:33

That question has made me feel very emotional 😪😪
If I'd never had children then my beautiful dd would never have been murdered.
But I did have 23 years with her that I'm very grateful for.
Dd2 is 6 and sometimes I have a fear that something will happen to her and it would be better for her if she'd never been born.
Dd2 has been our one reason to keep going, we wouldn't be without her.

HeddaGarbled · 11/09/2021 00:48

Yes.

I don’t disagree with you about social media etc, but they had less financially deprived and more kindly-treated childhoods, much much better educations and more equality of opportunity.

My young adult daughter earns more than I ever earned in my entire working life, has travelled worldwide independently and has a career that would have had all those secret closed doors for a woman of my generation.

Jux · 11/09/2021 00:55

Yes. Not sure I'd still have a husband though!

badg3r · 11/09/2021 01:12

I'm so sorry @ParkheadParadise 💔

MollyBloomYes · 11/09/2021 01:27

It's something I think about from time to time. Not from a world view though. I think there's always something terrible going on in the world tbh, I imagine our grandparents' parents were very worried about having children during a world war and the Blitz (well my grandparents anyway, obviously different generations, different worries and events etc). Everything is just so much more immediate now with smartphones, 24 hour news. But we also have a whole lot more to distract and entertain us....anyway. Back to the original question.

Sometimes I do regret it. Sometimes I regret having two and wish I'd just had one (never make me choose which one though). I have always wanted children. I have always wanted a whole heap. I still yearn quite desperately for more. But I never wanted to do it on my own.

My ex husband walked out when I was 8 months pregnant with our second and our oldest was a toddler. They are fantastic gorgeous wonderful kids. But it is hard. Really exhaustingly hard at times. My oldest has a disability, my youngest there are suspicions of one but too early to tell yet. We have the most wonderful amazing times together and love the very bones of them but equally sometimes I am so bone shatteringly tired that I'm not the mother they need or deserve. I'm not really one for mummy guilt but sometimes I do a shit job and throw in some shouting at them for good measure. And so sometimes I do wonder whether it would have been better for all of us if I hadn't had them, or just had one of them (evened the playing field a bit!)

AlexaShutUp · 11/09/2021 01:36

Meh, when I was dd's age, the AIDS crisis had just exploded and we were still in a nuclear arms race with the Soviet Union, facing the very real possibility that we might all be obliterated. We were all worried about the massive hole in the ozone layer. We had all grown up with IRA terrorism, and then just a few years later, 9/11 happened.

There have always been threats. I certainly don't want to minimise the threat of climate change, which is hugely worrying, but I certainly don't regret having my dd because of it. She will have to cope with the challenges faced by her generation as so many have done before her.

I find it a bit weird that you seem to rank social media in the same way as climate change. Yes, some people are very unpleasant online, but the threat is not even remotely on the same scale.

AlexaShutUp · 11/09/2021 01:37

@ParkheadParadise, I'm so very sorry. Flowers

Original poster
madkittylady · 11/09/2021 08:03

I was just using climate change and social media as examples. Girls worrying about their looks is due to peer pressure and not bad parenting! Hmm

I know there have always been world issues going on, but I just feel that it's all particularly crazy right now.

I love them all dearly and wouldn't change a thing now obviously. My question was whether you would've had children if you knew the world was going to get this bonkers.

I'm so sorry @ParkheadParadise Thanks

OP posts:
UsedUpUsername · 11/09/2021 08:07

If we had known (almost 20 years ago) how shit the world would get i.e social media, global warming etc. would we still have had our children

World is less shit than it was 20 years ago. Maybe the UK stagnated but the rest of the world has actually made gains during that time.

But for me, I’d have more and have them earlier.

CaptainMarvelous · 11/09/2021 08:12

I think though that when you become a parent you do perhaps become more aware of what the world is heading to, because you naturally worry about the kind of life your children would lead. Certainly before I had my two, I didn't think about the future state of the planet too much.

Fcuk38 · 11/09/2021 08:14

No i ended up being a widow aged 38 with kids 6 and 9. Honestly I’m miserable.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 11/09/2021 08:15

I'm unsure.

I love DS but the world is not a good place and I didn't know how worrying being a parent is! I don't live in the nicest of areas and can't afford to move to a nicer one, he's 8 years old and in a couple of years I'll have to be letting him go out on his own and it just doesn't feel safe.

DazzlePaintedBattlePants · 11/09/2021 08:16

I grew up in NI during the Troubles. My children have never been sent home from school because of a bomb scare, don’t understand security checkpoints and haven’t encountered segregated education or sectarian bullying/violence.

Their life is different to mine, but better in some respects - more available father and more financial security. I can’t get worked up about climate change.

Mintjulia · 11/09/2021 08:19

I have a ds (13) who doesn't give a hoot about social media and is average looking enough to not care how he looks so I'm lucky.
I worry about climate change & have raised ds to cycle enthusiastically. We eat little meat, don't overheat the house, grow some veg, Not to over consume.
No I don't regret having him. He is bright and positive and fills me with hope.

want2bemum · 11/09/2021 08:42

It's a tough one.

I'm in a position where I don't yet have children, but want them. Me and my partner have thought about it a lot - is it ethical to have children, considering what kind of world we are bringing them into, as well as the impact that they themselves will have on the world environmentally?

We have had so many conversations about it as we want to do the right thing, and we have decided that on balance having one or possibly two children, but definitely not more, is the right decision for us.

We feel that we can do a good job of raising a child or two. They'd be wanted, loved by us both, and have two extremely devoted parents. We're lucky that we have the financial resources we need. And I feel like we can raise a child into an adult who will do some good in the world.

I think it is important that people who can raise children well do not stop having children - we actually need the next generation to flourish and help us tackle some of these issues.

I hope that people who can raise children into the kind of adults who can contribute and make the world a better place are not put off having them, because we do actually need them!

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