My DM never considers my feelings - anyone the same?

[Wapawapa]

This seems a bit whiny. I can't really discuss this in real life with anyone. Not sure what I'm expecting here..

Basically, my DM doesn't seem to consider my situation, and that I am a person too!

Recently: a family member I am not close to is in hospital. DM phoned her, family member was extremely down, thought she was going to die. The conversation was extremely draining for my DM. Obviously poor family member is in a bad way. DM suggested I phone her. I have never before phoned this person, though would talk to her at family events.
What's going on in my life - I have just started a new job this week, have a child, am pregnant, I am tired and the emotional support I have to give someone else (especially someone I am not close to ) is pretty much zero. (I sent family member a message which she hasn't replied to , fair enough)

Another example : in my last pregnancy I was signed off work due to SPD ( pelvic pain?) DM asked me to drive her somewhere. It would have taken me about 3 hours to get from my house to hers and back. A taxi would have taken her half an hour. ( I couldn't anyway, I was busy)

Another example : My sister had been quite sick. She asked me to give her money for something of hers I had been using (a bit outing so won't go into details but it was a very unreasonable request on her part as confirmed by mumsnet when I had a different username!). When I asked DM her opinion she sided with my sister to keep her happy. I was pregnant at the time and could have used the money myself.

A final extremely petty example as inspired by a previous thread today ! I bought myself two boxes of my favorite tea which is hard to find. Neighbour dropped in to DMs house for a cuppa. Had a cup of my new tea (I have no problem sharing a cup!) Neighbour liked the tea. DM sent her home with BOTH boxes!!

It's sometimes like my DM thinks I'm there to help her please other people.

I know these examples are a bit petty but it's getting under my skin.

Again, don't know why I posted, but it's good to get it off my chest

Strange op, maybe someone will come along and explain the pyscologjst side, because my older ds used to do this to me!

I was 9 weeks pregnant and suffering from hyperemesis when my lovely Dad died.

Between dad dying and the funeral my mother asked (told me, there is no such thing as asking with her) me that at my dad's funeral she wanted me to look after HER cousin, a man 25 years older than me who I have only met a handful of times in my life, who would be attending alone. I deflected and ignored as I didn't want an argument.

At the funeral I was feeling rough, I was trying to time cyclizine with eating and terrified I would throw up on someone. Just after we had come outside from the crematorium I was stood chatting to my DH, DB, SIL and my cousins (dad's niece's and nephews), my mother pulled me aside to remind me what she had "asked" me to do.

I realised then with absolute certainty that she does not see me has a human being worthy of having feelings and emotions of my own. It still took me another 2 years to go no contact but I have been happily no contact for over 2 years now.

I'm sorry your mother is like this op, it hurts.

@RIPWalter I had to read your post twice because it was such an outrageous "request" from your mother. To be told that babysit a stranger at your own father's funeral. Oh my God.

I remembered two funeral ones
I was expected to travel to the funeral of a distant relative 5 hours away while heavily pregnant. I said no.

A couple of months after my DF died I was sent to represent my family at the funeral of DF's cousin, who I had never met (my DM was away somewhere as were my siblings). I was devastated after my DF's death. My DM did not consider that attending this funeral was not in my best interest and that a sympathy card would suffice. When I we went up to sympathize with the family of the lady who had died I was crying so much I couldn't talk. Her daughter looked at me and said "I'm not sure I've met you before. How did you know my mother?" (I was crying like my life was over ). I couldn't speak. All I could do was sob and shake my head. My uncle behind me had to explain why I was crying and that it had actually nothing to do with the poor lady who had died.

@RIPWalter and you were pregnant and suffering from hyperemesis and on medication!

Yes I was on the receiving end of similar behaviour from my mother and (golden child) brother. It was always Koala can do this for us, Koala can do that for us. It never occurred to them that I’d have things to do of my own.

She loved to criticise and find fault with me, one incident I remember was over switching my tumble dryer on - as it was my tumble dryer I knew it had a time delay and I had to wait about 5 seconds between programming it and switching it on, but no my mum decided that I was daydreaming and forgot to switch it on and no amount of me explaining was going to change her mind.

I really struggled with her behaviour towards me. Apparently I was expected to be able to facilitate anything they wanted yet I was also this incompetent person who can’t even switch her own tumble dryer on without prompting .

Her behaviour got worse once I had children and there were a few incidents were she expected her wants to be put ahead of my children’s needs (including my newborn DD needing medical treatment) I decided to go no contact. She will never accept that her attitude and behaviour is wrong and she will always want to be put first - who needs that shit?

It’s hard but I’ve come to terms with her not being the mum that a lot of my friends have got, a supportive one. Going no contact has done my mental health the world of good, knowing I don’t have to navigate the unreasonable demands and criticism.

@DrunkenKoala sending you hugs. Your last paragraph is very promising for your calm future

Whatever I did, achieved or gave my mother it would never be good enough. I decided not to disappoint her any further and have been NC for almost 2 years. The lack of stress not dealing with her attitude is absolutely amazing.

Sounds like she’s massively insecure and worries what other people think of her, but unfortunately you are not one of those other people. She is using you to ease her own insecurities and isn’t recognising your needs as an independent person. Have you had councelling (can’t spell the damn word sorry!) about your relationship with her? If not, have a read about co-dependency. It sounds like she’s co-dependent on you - kind of using you as a prop. Probably unintentionally but the outcome is still not nice and not fair on you

Not as bad as the funeral issues which sound dreadful, but I get what you mean OP.
My DM ( who has passed) was always giving my things away to others, even if they didn’t want the item, so that she could receive thanks for it.
Relative is house hunting? DuckBilled will spend her weekend off searching for property to view and driving you there. Puked all over your ball gown? Why Duck will be delighted to take it to the dry cleaners for you and save you the embarrassment. Duck’s on holiday, here’s the keys to her house,enjoy!
It came to a head when I refused to be a full time childminder for distant cousin’s 2 under 5s whilst on my maternity leave after a very difficult pregnancy, she didn’t know what terrible thing she’d ever done to deserve such a selfish ungrateful etc…
I still don’t know why she constantly arranging favours for people, volunteering me to do them. Saying no meant the chilly cold shoulder and telling the whole family how awful I was.

I know two people who suffered this one is dh, as koala describes expected to do everything for his family but then treated as incompetent. And my friend, again asked to do things for others when she herlsef has been in great need.

Dh had massive funeral issues with his df, it for really nasty because his df had assigned him driving duties.
But dh had myself and three year old dd in tow.
He said no.
Fil did not like that one bit.
He wanted dh to wear a particular suit, dh said no! He got even nastier and when we said we were not staying in their hotel!
Mil didn't speak to Jim for the duration of the funeral..

There could be many reasons OP:

She places great value on «face» and sends you to do things to maintain this to other people
She enjoys messing you around
She believes children should obey their parents, however unreasonable their request might be
She still sees you as a child and your time / energy is hers to direct
She sees you as an extension of herself and assumes you will share all her thoughts / values / etc such as the desire to please others / be helpful

I remember my mum telling me how shocked she was when it turned out that she and I were in fact very different people - that when I was a baby, she’d assumed that because we were mother and daughter, both female etc, we’d be like one another. She was genuinely surprised we weren’t. I don’t think the same would have happened with a son.

But rather than trying to puzzle out why she’s like this, you need to look at why you say yes when you want to say no? That’s the only bit you can control: you can’t control her, but you can control what you do in response to her.

@Justmuddlingalong I'm glad going NC has helped you

@LittleOverWhelmed that asthma story is shocking. I'm not surprised you had a meltdown. And how upsetting/frustrating that all you did for your DM when she was in hospital was disregarded and you were simply wrong to ask for help

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff hopefully the people she was volunteering your services to understood when you said no. I'd like to think if an auntie offered me a random cousin I didn't know as a child minder that I myself would be saying "erm I think I'll look for someone who does this for a living thank you"

@Autumngoldleaf how strange that many of these stories involve funerals. I suppose they're events that need to be organized but these parents in question never consider that

1. children are not staff
2. children are themselves grieving
3. children have their own families to organize
4. the people attending the funeral are grown adults who should be able to make their own arrangements

That sounds v stressful for your poor DH (and you)

Thanks wapa it was awful

Fil tried to do every thing to coerce us to bend to mils will.

Sil however turned up late and straight from work and looked like she had slept under her desk and as far as I aware single sil was never asked to drive anyone around.

She also looked scrappy and yet much of the argument around dh was about what he was wearing

@Thidwick I think you are right about the co-dependency. Or just dependency- I don't depend on her. She also seems to see my sisters as people who are there to do things she wants, not with lives of their own.

@workwoes123 how funny your mum would think you're the same person! I take your advice on board and the various possible reasons. I don't say yes any more. I now say no and will continue to do so ( I live a few hours away now)

@Autumngoldleaf golden child/other child dynamic can be so obvious.
Out of interest, whose funeral was it? You don't have to say.
It's so weird that parents don't see they are treating two children completely opposite

@LittleOverWhelmed’s first line gets it bang on, at least for my mother, who is the most abject of craven people-pleasers and who does see me as an extension of herself, therefore I should lie down on the ground and encourage people to walk all over me because she does.

She’s terrified of saying no to anyone (other than me) because she thinks they’ll then ‘have an excuse to dislike her’, and this has extended to letting herself be horrifically exploited as a childminder when younger (including leaving her own children to sleep overnight in her charges’ house for months!) and selling her large back garden to a developer for a ridiculously low sum because he seemed to expect it.

I’ve tried to help her for about 20 years, but she can’t or won’t change.

Don’t ask your mother’s advice, OP, and just keep asserting your boundaries.

My DM never thought my dreams, thoughts or feelings were valid. She didnt treat me as her extension but truly believed that her and her feelings were the only ones. Something horrendous could happen and it would be all about how upset she was.

She was purposely spiteful and selfish every hour of every day.

But that's fine for sil because she was "working" and made far more ££.

We have been virtually nc for years now.
Covid has been a blessing for us, I can't bear to them I'd love to never see them again
They are not good gp either.

Dh grandma ironically his mums Mil who she side lined and never invited for Xmas etc.

I wanted to meet her so dh saw her a few times before she passed away, sil hadn't called a silly old bat or something like that.

Dh wasn't close to her by any means.. But it was his granny!

My dm insisted that I invited my great aunt and uncle to my wedding (because it would upset my grandad and also bring shame on her -if I didn’t - said aunt and uncle are both in nursing homes, one dead one blind and both unable to walk due to various factors). We live on an island. Grandad and family are mainland Uk. So any relatives there would have to fly to see us. I said no they weren’t invited because a) I hadn’t seen them since I was 4 despite regular visits to grandparents throughout my life. Dm never spoke to them either much. Christmas cards etc was about it.

I was expected to fly over. Pick them up fly back with them and then do the reverse after the wedding (not immediately after ones but the next day or two). My wedding my responsibility.

I said no. It caused so much hassle with dm.