My DM never considers my feelings - anyone the same?

[Wapawapa]

This seems a bit whiny. I can't really discuss this in real life with anyone. Not sure what I'm expecting here..

Basically, my DM doesn't seem to consider my situation, and that I am a person too!

Recently: a family member I am not close to is in hospital. DM phoned her, family member was extremely down, thought she was going to die. The conversation was extremely draining for my DM. Obviously poor family member is in a bad way. DM suggested I phone her. I have never before phoned this person, though would talk to her at family events.
What's going on in my life - I have just started a new job this week, have a child, am pregnant, I am tired and the emotional support I have to give someone else (especially someone I am not close to ) is pretty much zero. (I sent family member a message which she hasn't replied to , fair enough)

Another example : in my last pregnancy I was signed off work due to SPD ( pelvic pain?) DM asked me to drive her somewhere. It would have taken me about 3 hours to get from my house to hers and back. A taxi would have taken her half an hour. ( I couldn't anyway, I was busy)

Another example : My sister had been quite sick. She asked me to give her money for something of hers I had been using (a bit outing so won't go into details but it was a very unreasonable request on her part as confirmed by mumsnet when I had a different username!). When I asked DM her opinion she sided with my sister to keep her happy. I was pregnant at the time and could have used the money myself.

A final extremely petty example as inspired by a previous thread today ! I bought myself two boxes of my favorite tea which is hard to find. Neighbour dropped in to DMs house for a cuppa. Had a cup of my new tea (I have no problem sharing a cup!) Neighbour liked the tea. DM sent her home with BOTH boxes!!

It's sometimes like my DM thinks I'm there to help her please other people.

I know these examples are a bit petty but it's getting under my skin.

Again, don't know why I posted, but it's good to get it off my chest

Seriously

Your dm sounds like she has a special need or disability of some sort.

@Autumngoldleaf l can see why people might think that but it’s like a huge giant blind spot for them. It’s like they can not possibly conceive that the person has their own life, thoughts or feelings. For my mums birthday one year l took annual leave, travelled 100’s of miles, took her out for lunch, bought her a card and present. My brother only sent a card which was like the 2nd coming. But l was told l was selfish and made no effort for it

The travel one resonates with me e.g. for a visit her wanting me to drive to her house, drive her back to my house and then doing the whole thing in reverse. That’s about 1,000 miles. She doesn’t work and l do. For clarity my mother has no health issues, no financial issues and has her own car. She just can’t be bothered

I have noticed it does seem to be mother’s to daughters. I’m struggling to think of a fathers to son example. Personally l keep my boundaries high and consistent as my mum is getting worse with age. My brother can act like a flying monkey but for a smart guy doesn’t seem to realise that

@ememem84, its so out there, its almost laughable, except it must have been unpleasant going through that.

@Wapawapa - I do like your phrase "Children are not staff" really sums up my feelings.

Re your question about the cousin. No the cousin and my DM were outraged when I said no even though I helped her find good childcare which she eventually used too. All the my previous favours immediately forgotten whilst the cold shoulder was liberally applied by both. I think she felt that I was deliberately out to cheat her of her money by not providing cut price or most likely unpaid childcare. She had paid relocation expenses and a good salary. CF extraordinaire.
Even if I had agreed, the distance meant logistics would have been difficult and would have all fallen on me and DH.

I agree with pp that funerals often bring out some of this stuff.
At my mother's funeral reception (which I organised). I heard the freeloading CF cousin and her DH loudly commenting to others on my "lack" of emotion, as an eg of how little I cared about my DM. A loud and highly visible public meltdown would have indicated more true devotion apparently.
I hasten to add this was a LONG time ago and I'm over it, but still...

I strayed a bit from the point about why people do this.
The staff comment is a part of it I think.
The other comment that resonated was about thinking of the child as an extension of them. It’s like they can not possibly conceive that the person has their own life, thoughts or feelings
Thinking about it my DF was also rented out as free DIY, driving long distances to labour all weekend. He also used to have to drive me, often on a school night, across London to babysit (for free naturally) and then pick me up again after midnight. So four trips back and forth. I never realised until now how he did that without blinking or even complaining, with an early start for a physically demanding job the next day.
It was all part of the idea that you should do absolutely anything for family at whatever inconvenience to yourself, except it worked more in the favour of some family members than others, and my DM, the proposer and organiser graciously accepted all the thanks. We didn't even question it.
Perhaps it came from their own youth when they lived in very rural communities and that's just what people did. I didn't consider doing things for my parents as a favour BTW and routinely helped out as they got older, it was just the random hangers on, who were well able to help themselves that I resisted.
The favours did get more ridiculous as she got older, and she really couldn't handle anyone saying no to her, but in a way the fact that some of these plans were often completely unworkable did make it easier to say no if one really had to, despite the resistance. Thinking about it, perhaps as she got older it was a way of feeling that she was still involved and relevant? Oh Dear I shouldn't have started thinking about this

Another funeral one…

My step father died and my DM held a Memorial Service for him about 6 weeks after his funeral. My step-father was a normal bloke, not a dignitary, not a Parrish/town councillor, just a plain old guy.

At the Memorial Service my DM decided that there should be a procession of family members making Their Grand Entrance. DM decided that my 6 year old DD should walk with my DB and his girlfriend rather than with DH and me, plus she should sit with them in the pew in front. I asked her why and she replied that it looked better DD stayed with DH and myself where she belonged, particularly as the Memorial Service was a bewildering event which my step father would have hated.

Fifteen years later DM decided to buy DD a load of Jane Austen books for Christmas as she is her (DM’s) favourite author - despite protestations that a) we have the JA collection on our bookshelves already and b) DD saying she isn’t a fan of JA. As DD has a First class honours degree in English Literature, I will respect her reading choices but DM was having none of it. The books duly arrived and are gathering dust.

There is more, but I won’t bore you.

[quote Wapawapa]@DrunkenKoala sending you hugs. Your last paragraph is very promising for your calm future[/quote]
Thanks @Wapawapa, I’m certainly enjoying a calm present. Who knows what the future holds but I’ve made it clear to her that I want answers as to why she thinks she can treat me like this and an apology - which will never happen.

As I got older I found it easier to say no to her, but it was the endless questioning and her thinking of solutions that I found difficult even when I used the vague “that doesn’t work for me” she’d still keep on at me.

Luckily for me she never really offered me out to others as favours. Tbh I think she was too selfish, she liked to keep me at her disposal.

I’ve just remember another incident, DS’s 1st birthday. We lived the other side of the country to her and she came to stay for a few days around his birthday. His birthday was a Friday and we’d arranged with in-laws and close friends (with babies) to have a little party on the Saturday. Both DP and I were off work on his birthday so we decided that DP would take DS out in the morning and I would bake his cake (DS hated the food mixer). My mum arrived a few days before and decided on the Thursday afternoon just after DS had gone for his afternoon nap that we were going to make the cake then so we could have it on his birthday. I asked her what about the party on Saturday and she thought it was fine not to do the whole birthday cake and candles thing and the singing Happy Birthday to him and that the other guests would be fine about it . I stood my ground with her and stuck to my plan and on the day itself she was fine, but she wasn’t one for pushing herself to the front and taking charge when others are around, she saved that for me when we’re on our own.
I always felt she didn’t like anyone else having attention and I do wonder if this was a strategy to stop any attention going to DS, DP and I.

Dog drama

That's so odd isn't it about the books! I mean we all share books, films we like with our dc but again fil can only push what he himself likes? Including buying maths books all the time for dd!!

Oh this resonates so much! whenever I had birthday parties for my children , I would have their friends and sometimes when really young the mums too, then my extended family would want to see them too.

My mum would turn up just literally as all the kids were leaving, and I was running out of steam after hosting kids and mums all afternoon, asking what are we having to eat? And your dad /auntie / sister would like a coffee! I just then had to turn into party mode number 2 and look after them.

I did notice that when other family then had their own kids she would say oh they are having their friends party today so we will go another time it’s too much for x y or z to have us all !

And once she was in hospital and I was visiting, long round trip, parking at hospital a nightmare, and she said can you bring coke for lady in next bed she likes it and they don’t have any in here for her.
I had two kids, full time job and was up and down to see her,going to her house collecting things she needed and taking her stuff in to the ward, as I left she shouted don’t forget it’s coke not Pepsi she likes! I had to smile and nod but could have strangled her!
Mind you with my first born post section, she came to help one day only, with the second , the day she came to help she brought her friend and my husband made them coffee and took it to them while they sat outside in the garden.
I am always amazed at how much help some mums get from their family! She’s not changed much over the years I love her to bits but she still volunteers me , but I’m better at saying NO!

@ememem84 these stories keep getting more outrageous. To personally accompany two elderly people who were really too sick to travel - that you didn't know - to your own wedding on a flight. Madness!

@EL8888 that birthday story. You must have been so upset
@DuckbilledSplatterPuff this entitlement seems to run in your family how rude of your cousin
@awaynboilyurheid I'm so tired thinking about your double parties. How rude of them

@DogDramas your funeral story shows your DM doesn't really consider anyone's feelings. Imagine expecting a child to sit away from their parents at an event like that.

@DrunkenKoala you sound very strong. I wonder will you ever get an explanation from her as to why she thinks it's ok to treat you like this. It would involve introspection so probably not

[quote Wapawapa]@ememem84 these stories keep getting more outrageous. To personally accompany two elderly people who were really too sick to travel - that you didn't know - to your own wedding on a flight. Madness![/quote]
I know. I told dm no. She wasn’t happy. But did say that if they were that important to her then she was more than welcome to do it. My great aunt and uncle being her aunt and uncle so she’s obviously have more of a relationship with them that I did.

They didn’t come.