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Original poster

I don’t want to visit their graves

44 replies

Lavenderpillow · 10/09/2021 16:15

I’m very confused over this and need some advice.

My grandparents both died within a few months a couple of years ago. I don’t speak to any of my family anymore as my mum was abusive and my aunts and cousins supported her and didn’t give a shit about me.

My grandparents were wonderful when I was growing up and their house was my sanctuary so they’ve always meant a lot to me, but I didn’t go to their funerals for fear of verbal attack from my family. I also didn’t see them for 18 months before they died as I was always at risk of bumping into the family as their house always had people coming and going.

Anyway. I feel like I don’t want to go to their graves. I keep feeling like I should go and lay some flowers, but I haven’t done that for quite some time. Every single day I beat myself up for not going but I feel like I don’t want to- it feels like a mixture of it being too painful, and too tied in with my family history and also as I’ve got older I’ve had to reckon with the fact that my beloved grandparents can’t have been good parents themselves as I remember stories of them smacking their daughters and getting one of them around the throat.

I feel so awful and dreadful I for not going but also I don’t want to face it. AIBU?

OP posts:
R0tational · 10/09/2021 16:18

Dont go. Its fine.

romdowa · 10/09/2021 16:18

Yanbu, you don't need to visit their graves to remember them. You can remember them in your own way. I've only been to my grans grave once in the 5 years since she's passed but I keep her with me every day and always think of her. She's not in that graveyard .

DismantledKing · 10/09/2021 16:19

You don’t need to go. Your grandparents would never know of you went or not.

Plumtree391 · 10/09/2021 16:21

You don't have to go. Visiting a grave is more for the benefit of the bereaved, it makes no difference to the deceased. However you might find it comforting if you do go, and feel better afterwards so don't write it off.

I'm so sorry about your family situation, that must be hard.

Theunamedcat · 10/09/2021 16:21

Its just a stone marker its not really them they won't mind you not going if ghosts exist they will be close to you anyway

fingerbuffet · 10/09/2021 16:23

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there I do not sleep.....

KittenKong · 10/09/2021 16:23

I can’t face going to ‘see’ my parents. Can’t bear it (grandma is there too). Plus the graveyard is nearly 500 miles away. They really wouldn’t mind (if you know what I mean) as dad was an atheist and mum was a ‘don’t make yourself unhappy’ kind of person.

If you want to ‘remember’ then - why not buy a bunch of flowers and give them to someone on your life now who might be needing a smile?

And people did whack their kids more back in ye olden days. Not excusing it, that’s how it was and they wouldn’t have been all that unusual. It may explain some of the other behaviour in the family though.

Darklane · 10/09/2021 16:25

No you’re not.
My parents are both dead, several years ago now.
Unlike you I’m sorry yours wasn’t, I had a good childhood with both of my parents being very supportive & loving.
Mum died first, young & I occasionally did visit the grave with flowers from dad & me, but after he died I haven’t visited it at all since the day he was buried in the same grave. I know I should. . I was dad’s carer for several years before he died & we became very close. I have real guilt about it but I just can’t face going.

Original poster
Lavenderpillow · 10/09/2021 16:26

Thank you all. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was with her and at the end of the dream I asked if she would come back to see me again and she said yes.

I was telling my husband about it later in the day and whether it was real or not, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a white wisp move across just next to me. I felt like that was her giving me a sign.

I don’t normally believe in this stuff but there it was.

OP posts:
Beechview · 10/09/2021 16:26

There’s no need to go.
You had reason to not see them and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. None of it was your fault and you don’t need to feel guilty for protecting yourself.

Original poster
Lavenderpillow · 10/09/2021 16:27

I’m knitting at the moment and every time I do it makes me think of her. She was a gifted knitter and tried to teach me several times.
The last day I saw her was a few days before she died, and even though she was unconscious I was telling her that I’d finally learnt to knit, and took the scarf that I was making to knit while next to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavenderpillow · 10/09/2021 16:28

Sorry for rambling I just miss her so much.

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 10/09/2021 16:28

Don't go for if you don't want to for any reason. I've only been to my dad's grave once and stopped going to my best friend's ten years ago. It's not something I find comforting in any way, there are other ways to remember.

Clarkey86 · 10/09/2021 16:29

It’s a different situation but my mum died in February and I haven’t been to her grave either. It’s just not how I choose to remember her. It doesn’t mean I love her any less.

Please let the guilt go OP - a grave is really only a place for reflection for those who find they need that. If you don’t, that’s fine too.

BlankTimes · 10/09/2021 16:29

Do you have a little space in your garden where you can grow their favourite flower, or if no garden a space on a windowsill for a pot plant and maybe a candle you could light when you're thinking of them.

You don't have to visit the cemetery ever, keeping them in your thoughts, however you choose to do that is more than enough.

Mariell · 10/09/2021 16:31

Visiting their graves is an unnecessary burden to put upon yourself.

You can choose to pay your respects to them by thinking of them whilst in your own home.

The knitting is a lovely example of how you have kept your grandmothers memory alive.

KittenKong · 10/09/2021 16:33

I have a made looking boss-eyed garden ornament that I have from the old house (mum had some weird critters for some reason)and mmmmm and he sits and gasps at me! I also have a lot of my dads old books and things he used for work (I remember he used to use a penknife to sharpen his drawing pencils, and I still have some of the fancy ones he used to use). Little things like that make you remember. And as time goes on you remember more with a smile than a heavy heart or tears.

KittenKong · 10/09/2021 16:33

Good lord my typing/predictive text!

Lycanthropology · 10/09/2021 16:34

Aw, bless you. There is no obligation to visit their graves. They are not around to see or appreciate it, so it could only be for your benefit... but you don't want to, so there's no point. It doesn't mean you don't care or don't want to remember them.

Also, remember they were parenting in different times. Corporal punishment was normal a generation or two ago, and they were just human, not saints, and may have made mistakes when chastising their own children. They may have had regrets.
They were obviously wonderful grandparents though.

Lulu1919 · 10/09/2021 16:43

I could have written this ....spookily similar

Don't go
I never have and I know they would understand.
Memories are what's important x

Comedycook · 10/09/2021 16:44

I never visit my families graves. It doesn't even occur to me to be honest

Ninkanink · 10/09/2021 16:49

Your loved ones live on in your soul as part of you, through the memories your mind holds. You absolutely do not need to visit their graves if you’d rather not - as others have said, people do that for their own benefit because that’s what they find comforting, not because it’s the only right way to cherish the deceased.

Flowers I’m sorry for your loss.

Wildheartsease · 10/09/2021 16:50

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Remember your GPs in the knitting - the love they gave you - all they said to you and what you learnt from the way they did things.

Stick with your memories and your experience. No one's perfect... but I have it on good authority that 'recollections differ'.

Remember them in your (future) children too. (Your GP's will be there!)

Some people find graves comforting ( it is what they are for - that and respect for physical remains) but what you love of your grandparents is probably not in the grave.

Do you think they would put pressure on you to go when you feel like this?

Evenstar · 10/09/2021 16:51

I do visit DM’s grave, but only once or twice a year as I live 180 miles away. I have a magnolia tree in a big pot in my garden, it was her favourite tree and I can think of her there. Maybe you could do something similar to acknowledge their lives.

The only need to visit a grave is if it helps you.

mistermagpie · 10/09/2021 16:52

I'm in your shoes. NC with toxic parents and so hadn't seen beloved uncle and grandmother for quite a long time before uncle died and I didn't go to his funeral for the same reasons as you. Grandmother will probably die in the relatively near future (she's in her 90s) and I won't go to that one either. I feel very conflicted because she has never been anything but lovely to me, but I can't do it and risk turning her funeral into something off Jeremy Kyle.

As to the graves - it wouldn't really occur to me to visit. I suppose it depends on your views about dearth but very gently - they're not there and they won't know whether you go or not. So only go if it will help you feel better, not out of some sense of duty or something like that. Because it makes no difference to them if you visit or not and if it's better for you not to, then don't.