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Original poster

I don’t want to visit their graves

44 replies

Lavenderpillow · 10/09/2021 16:15

I’m very confused over this and need some advice.

My grandparents both died within a few months a couple of years ago. I don’t speak to any of my family anymore as my mum was abusive and my aunts and cousins supported her and didn’t give a shit about me.

My grandparents were wonderful when I was growing up and their house was my sanctuary so they’ve always meant a lot to me, but I didn’t go to their funerals for fear of verbal attack from my family. I also didn’t see them for 18 months before they died as I was always at risk of bumping into the family as their house always had people coming and going.

Anyway. I feel like I don’t want to go to their graves. I keep feeling like I should go and lay some flowers, but I haven’t done that for quite some time. Every single day I beat myself up for not going but I feel like I don’t want to- it feels like a mixture of it being too painful, and too tied in with my family history and also as I’ve got older I’ve had to reckon with the fact that my beloved grandparents can’t have been good parents themselves as I remember stories of them smacking their daughters and getting one of them around the throat.

I feel so awful and dreadful I for not going but also I don’t want to face it. AIBU?

OP posts:
glitterelf · 10/09/2021 17:01

Only you can decide if you want to go or not but please do not beat yourself up over this. I regularly visit my grandparents and my Mil and Fil but I do live very close to the cemetery. Whilst there I also tend to other graves that haven't had any visitors, just a little tidy up because there are lots of people who are like you and torn so be assured that somebody is probably taking care of them so to speak Thanks

Charmatt · 10/09/2021 17:03

My mum was widowed 26 years ago. She never felt comfortable visiting my Dad's grave as it was a place she never associated with him.

She bought a lovely vase that my Dad would have liked and keeps in her living room. She buys flowers for my Dad and puts them in the vase - it always looks lovely and she enjoys them too.

My advice would be to do the same - several friends have adopted this way of remembering their relatives since my mum has done it.

Wandawide · 10/09/2021 17:10

The soul or the essence of what they were to you is not there. That is within you.
Some people like to go to a grave or memorial to think and meditate on the ones who have passed.
That suits them. Obviously not you. No need for guilt.

SoloISland · 10/09/2021 17:14

Op; if it is so much on your mind? Go just once. That will settle you either way.

And yes re the flowers and candle at home. My family lie across the ocean hundreds of miles away so for me that is the only way.

Or go into a church and light a candle there?

You seem as it you need to do SOMETHING to settle your mind and heart. Then you can decide about the future.

It might help you make your peace and find solace.

Also when I was still able to be out, I used to stop at graveyards and tidy neglected graves as I could not do it for my family. That helped me a lot

While their spirits are not there, the body we loved and shared with is. That is what graves are all about.

41sunnydays · 10/09/2021 17:22

We have some family graves we can't visit due to distance, so we have a rose in the garden that we tend for each of them in a pot that we look after and I talk to when I need to 😀

larry5 · 10/09/2021 17:31

I have told my children that I want to be cremated as I don't want them to have to visit a grave. The bit of me that is me won't be there after I die and I want them to remember me as I am.

My parents' ashes were scattered at their local crematorium in the same place as each other but I do not know exactly where that is and I remember them as they were not the bit of land where their ashes are.

KittenKong · 10/09/2021 17:44

Mym always said that she was going to be texidermied so she could keep an eye on us all. We weren’t totally sure she wasn’t joking.

ParkheadParadise · 10/09/2021 17:47

Do you know where their graves are? If you didn't attend their funerals.
It's a very personal decision.

I visit my dd 2/3 times a week, I have done since she died nearly 6 years ago it's the one place I feel closest to her. DH only goes on her birthday/ anniversary/christmas but I suspect he only does this because I do.

SamMil · 10/09/2021 17:48

I don't even know where my grandparents' graves are. I don't love them any less. You can remember them in your own way, whenever and however you want to.

riverpebbles · 10/09/2021 17:55

Finding this thread very comforting. My family's graves are all overseas and I have only been to one of them once and thought 'She's not here.' I still have a vague feeling of it not being right that I can't just pop by sometimes but this thread has made me feel better.

OP, I wonder if lighting a candle for them would be a way for you to mark that you are thinking about them.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 10/09/2021 17:56

I personally don’t see the point in going to where my dads ashes are scattered, I’ve been twice, once it pissed down the second was snow storm!!!

TitoMojito · 10/09/2021 17:58

I loved my grandparents but I don’t go to their graves. I don't see the point. I don’t see what it achieves. If they are watching over me, then they know I love them. If they're not, then it makes no difference what I do. Don’t go if you don't want to and don’t beat yourself up for it.

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 17:59

My parents don’t have graves. They were scattered in a little glade on the golf course that gave my dad so much pleasure. I think about them every day with huge love. Visiting graves isn’t important.

BritishSummertime · 10/09/2021 18:06

None of my grandparents even have graves to visit but like PP have said, I remember them in my own ways (both GMs when I sew funnily enough).

Don't put pressure on yourself, you don't need it after such a horrid family situation.

ConcernedAuntie · 10/09/2021 21:07

Do you have a nice photograph of them? Perhaps you could put some flowers next to it.

Original poster
Lavenderpillow · 10/09/2021 21:31

I do have photos of them but I can’t bear to put them out!

OP posts:
HatsOnHatsOff · 10/09/2021 21:34

Plant a tree in their memory and stop feeling guilty. Life is for the living. I doubt any grandparent wants their grandchild beating themselves up.

Bobsyer · 10/09/2021 21:50

I’ve never once been to any graves. I feel no connection to the place where my beloved grandparents were laid to rest, I have my memories, photos, and one lovely video of them.

I don’t believe for one second as much as they loved me that they would feel upset I hadn’t visited their graves.

Plus, it was just not something they did either so as a family it’s a complete non-issue.

tsmainsqueeze · 10/09/2021 22:09

I adored my grandparents but never visit their grave , i much prefer to remember them alive and smiling .
I cant relate to them being in a grave .
Keep some flowers by a photograph of them in happier times and think about your lovely memories .

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